Hi Danielle,

I experienced that when doing my 5th step with my sponsor/friend. Not only did he not share his experience on some of the occurances that I shared, he didn't comment at all, relating to his experience which made me feel uncomfortable and would have otherwise made my 5th step feel incomplete. But I also did my 5th step (beforehand) with a Priest that was in the program. And although he didn't relate to his personal experienc, the understanding was there, he gave me absolution (which is a sacrement in the RCC) and said the following.

"Do you know why you did the things that you did?" I answered no of course. He continued
"You did half of those things because you wanted to be loved, and the other half you did because you thought that you were not being loved". "You need to know that you were always loved, by God, your parents, and many others but you may not have been able to allow yourself to receive Unconditional Love." Then he gave me absolution and told that God has already forgiven me, and that I need to forgive myself. He went on to tell that after receiving absolution, that it would be a sin to disbelieve that God has forgiven me, in the way of continuing to feel guilty or otherwise badly about those transgressions.

I hope this helps. And btw I am very in touch with my feminine side (not physically of course) lol, so you can pm me if you feel the need just kidding, I'm sure you'll get plenty of female responces around here.

Dean

Thanks to you all for your kind responses in this. The love, support & warmth has met its target & I feel reassured & accepted on an unconditional level. That said, I know the worst thoughts I could have are those I have about myself. My shame lies inside the part I played in the lives of some closest to me. I don't blame myself for the age I was as I was alot younger but I was a little older than they. Not by much but I've still felt a perpetrator. I didn't act out of wanting to be loved or feeling unloved I don't think so I can't empathise with that younger me in that way. I think it was simple childish gameplay & exploration. I did have a strange upbringing with many strange influences but then whose isn't? And if they're not, are they superior? No. Definitely maybe just different. I do need to forgive that girl ~me. I wouldn't think it if anybody else had done what I did. Especially since I have done what I did & would be looking from the outside to someone else's but knowing what it was like, I'd already know cuz of my own experience & have non~judgmental compassion. It's just getting it right from the inside out that's the hardest bit. I need to realise that I deserve & am worthy of that exact same attitude. I think this ties in with my self~pity. My self~centered 'I'm worse than everybody else' opinion. I've been letting go of that slowly & well in recovery. I think I'm realising that the last fixture of it is attached to this particular action on my part in my teens. My God! I may be close to some genuine & lasting self worth here 1Day@aTime lol 'This might just be how it works!' If & if/when I can forgive myself for this I really will feel unburdened & I had no idea how heavy this was bearing down on me from underneath for so many quiet years while I thought I was worrying about other things. I think this has coloured alot of things & been a damaged self~image of mine from deeper than I could have imagined. Does an amend come before or after we've forgiven ourselves? I hope I haven't said anything too private or personal, publicly & I hope I haven't bothered anyone new around with bringing this stuff up. You may ask what's this got to do with alcoholism? Well, for me, alcohol was always a relief from myself & I'm thinking now 'if I can get such relief from sharing, understanding & acceptance from myself & connection with others & my HP, I've never an excuse to drink again..' & all the negative stuff that comes along with that. I've been on this board for a year now & in fellowship for 18mths. This has been natural progression & what has felt right for me. It's not something that anyone else would be expected to do here. I'm trusting & hoping to have found the right words at the right time. Please forgive me if anyone has felt offended. I've not meant to. I needed to share in some way in a way I felt would be helpful for me. It's helped alot so much already & I think this has helped so much & means I can go back to my sponsor having learned a little more about myself & how I've operated so that we can do some further deeper work with less resistance from me. God damn shame is a killer isn't it! I'll leave this here for now & call my Sponsor. I've some more stepwork to do. Thanks to everyone for their support. I'll reply to my pms in turn & return here when I've seen my Sponsor. Thankyou all so much for being here. Love in recovery, Danielle x