Finally after working (or not working) on my 4th step since last June... I'm about done with it, and scheduled to do my 5th step with my sponsor on Friday night... and I'm scared to death!!! Most of it doesn't scare me, except I asked her about part of it, if I needed to do it in detail or if what I wrote real general was good enough (wrote that this thing happened but no details)... I've written it out in detail cuz I felt my boyfriend needed to know it and I couldn't say it all, couldn't go into the details with him... so I have it written out. My sponsor said she had something similar and had to write it in detail and read it to her sponsor and that she cried during it but was relieved afterward and was able to start moving on.... This thing is the only thing that scares me, and what scares me is the aftermath, the flashbacks and nightmares... I got them when I wrote it too, I get them without even thinking about it... I have PTSD from it. But she said if it bothers me that bad then I need to put it in my 4th step. It just scares me. The rest of it is fine, doesn't bother me to read it or talk about it, just this one thing... She said she doesn't know if it will make it better or easier, or maybe all it will do is make it easier to talk and open up about it in therapy, I dunno... guess we'll find out. Just scared of the aftermath, scared of how it will affect me... my "adopted grandpa" said it's in the past, it can't hurt me.... but the flashbacks and nightmares hurt me and seem so real... just really scared right now... I guess I shouldn't worry about it till I get there, but it still scares me... *sigh*
Hi Lisa, This might help. Probably what happened, happened when you were a lot younger. If so, then you need to take into concideration that you are an adult now. The part of you that is scared is your inner child. The adult in you needs to tell you inner child that it's ok now, and that your adult self is more than capable of taking care you both of you now. visualize that small girl and take her by the hand, tell her that it's going to be ok now and that she is safe. Then pray to your HP to be with you two when you do your 5th step. Ask him/her for protection and care, and to give you the strength to make it thru and to never be afraid of the past again. Read the promises every day, this is the step that earns them. And those secrets are what you drank over. It's time to send them down the road. Good luck, we'll be pulling for you.
Thanks Pete... that is part of what I went through in counseling over this a couple of years ago, looking at my inner child... I was angry with my inner child and had to overcome the anger by writing a letter to "her" and it helped... maybe something like that will help with this fear also... and definitely praying a lot...
I'm probably making it out to be worse than it will be... just that fear that takes over. Seemed like when listing out my fears tonight in the 4th step that just increased a lot of my fears too, plus something happened with bf tonight that brought up a lot of insecurities so I know that didn't help... just struggling (as usual, lately).
I know it'll get better... just a matter of WHEN lol Just talked with my "adopted mom" for a long time and feeling much better though, so setting my 4th step aside for the rest of tonight, I've still got tomorrow night and Friday during the day to get it done... bf had suggested if nothing else do my 5th on what I have so far even if I don't get it all the way done, so I'll at least do that, but trying to "finish" it (I know it's never "finished") before Friday night... but I can only take so much at a time, been feeling a bit "fragile" lately...
I had a few things in my life that I had NEVER had benn told to anyone. They were included in my 5th step. For one my sponcer had been through something simular, and 2 once I had spoken of these things it was so relieving. It was like I walked away a new man. I know how scary the prospect is, but the rewards are so worth it. As long as you have a good sponcer I would hold nothing back. Good luck.
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Don't wait for your ship to come in... Swim out to it!
Hi Lisa: Read pg 66,67 of the big book....Would type it out but going to bed soon! This may help you get a handle on what youre feeling! Best of luck! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Good luck with your Step5, Lisa. It's a difficult process & you'll find, like I did, maybe some resistance on your part to speak of things you're ashamed &/or embarressed about. I still feel shame for one or two things I shared with my Sponsor as they were things to do with before I drank but I will take Dean's advice & work with those issues as they have alot to do with my inner~child. I was young then & couldn't have known what I know today. Maybe it will be the truth of this that will set me free once I have chosen to accept it. Thanks for your words, Dean. Good luck with yours, Lisa. Rooting for you! Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I didn't really understand the part about your b/f needing to know. My first thought after reading that was we have no right to harm others in order to make ourselves feel better.....anywho, just remember Step one is the only step that must be done 100%.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
My 5th step got put off till Tuesday... cuz my sponsor was feelin real bad and thinks she's getting sick. That might have been better, as I was going on no sleep and feeling pretty awful myself, she said if I really felt that I had to do it last night then we would but otherwise we could do it Tuesday. So we're doing it Tuesday.
Doll, what I meant was there is something that was affecting part of our relationship, and my bf needed to know the details of something that happened to me in the past so that he would know my triggers and what needs to be avoided. I couldn't say it out loud, so I wrote out the whole story of what happened and let him read that. It didn't do him harm, it helped our relationship. My sponsor agreed that was ok. But I'd never let him read my whole 4th step or anything, it was just that one thing that was affecting us, and now that he knows, we don't have issues with that thing. But now I'm gonna have to actually read that out loud in my 5th step, and I have never been able to talk about what happened, that's why I had to write it for my bf instead of telling him about it. Even in counseling before I couldn't talk about it... it's the only part that's scaring me in doing my 5th step.
Hi Sweetie, I just read this (below) and it made me think of what you're going through. I hope it helps. There really is release in surrendering these things, and once they are out, they're done....love chris
Not Alone In The Dark Looking At What We Dont Want To See
It is one of life's great paradoxes that the things we don't want to look at in ourselves are the very things we need to look at in order to know ourselves better and to become more fully who we are. The feelings that make us want to run away are buried treasure full of energy and inspiration if we are willing to look. These feelings come in many forms, from strange images or snippets of information to recurring dreams and feelings that rise up seemingly without a reason. Whatever shape they come in, and no matter how scary they seem, these messengers bring the information we need in order to grow.
When we are tired of pushing something down, or trying to run away from it, a good first step is to write down what we think we are avoiding. Often this turns out to be only the surface of the issue or a symbol of something else. Expressing ourselves fully on paper is a safe way to begin exploring the murky territory of the unconscious. The coolness of the intellect can give us the distance we need to read what we have written and feel less afraid of it. It helps if we remember that no matter how dark or negative our thoughts or feelings may be, these are energies shared by all humanity. We are not alone in the dark, and all the gurus and teachers we admire had to go through their own unprocessed emotional territory in order to come out the other side brighter and wiser. This can give us the courage we need to open the treasure chest of what we have been avoiding.
Within the parts of ourselves that we don't want to look at, there are emotions that need to be felt. Unfelt emotions are stuck energy, and when we leave emotions unprocessed, we deprive ourselves of access to that energy. When we feel strong enough, we can begin the process of feeling those emotions, on our own or with guidance from a spiritual counselor. It is through this work that the buried treasure of energy and inspiration will pour forth from our hearts, giving us the courage to look at all the parts of ourselves with insight and compassion.
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
The Steps work! Sounds like you did good getting into detail. I had several things I needed to do in detail and some so dark i only wrote one word and in veryveryvery small print.
The written work now is a tool so that you are thorough. While you were writing it I'm sure you made progress on many fronts. It did its job there, look back at who you were when you began the step and who you are now and you will see that the steps have been working. The fifth Step is no different, it works also. Have faith that this is the process that God entrusted to mankind to deal with this disease of alcoholism. He did not give us something to hurt us but rather a path to healing. It is a gift.
But if you are unable to look at it at this point in this manner, I understand. I'd recomend a barf bag. :) I could have used one three times on the trip to the monastery. Those new fangled breath strips might have been nice if they had had them. The alcoholic sprays are out but maybe a roll of certs????
You'll live, have faith, God is with you isn't he? Keep saying the third step prayer.