Codependency is when a person has a strong desire to control people around them, including their spouse, children or co-workers. Codependents believe they are somehow more capable than others, who need their direction or suggestions to fulfill tasks they are responsible to complete. They feel compassion for people who may be hurting and feel they should be the one to help them. Codependent people give of their time, emotions, finances, and other resources. They have a very difficult time saying "no" to any requests made of them.
Codependency - A Matter of Control Codependency, for others, doesn't express itself in a desire to control, but instead, in the need to be controlled by others. Because it is nearly impossible for Codependents to say "no" to people, they may find themselves the victims in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. They believe that if they can be good enough, or loving enough, they can change the other person's behavior. They sometimes blame themselves for the abusive behavior: "If only I had not forgotten to do the dishes, he would not have had to hit me."
Codependency causes internal struggles with the opinions of others. Codependents may make decisions based on what they think other people want them to do. While they may believe that their motive for helping people is compassion, in reality they are doing it because they want love or approval. They may come to recognize the underlying nature of their behavior when they become hurt or angry at people they have helped who didn't return the same amount of help, love, or appreciation when they themselves were in need. They have difficulty understanding that instead of helping others by providing things they need, they may actually be hurting them by creating a dependent relationship.
Codependency can also cause struggles in the area of time management. Codependents may feel they never have enough time to fulfill all of their commitments because they have made too many. The most important commitments and relationships are often neglected because they are too busy helping other people, participating in multiple activities, and running from one event to another throughout the week. This also relates to their inability to say "no" when asked to volunteer, attend a function, or help a friend. The idea of not volunteering, not helping or not attending is unthinkable. They may believe they are not being responsible, not being a good friend, or not being a good person if they refuse any requests. However, many of those situations and relationships leave them feeling hurt, angry, or resentful.
Codependency - The Questions
Do you find yourself making decisions based on other people's opinions?
Is it important to you that people like you and want to be your friend?
Do you have a strong desire to help others, but deep down you know you do it so that they will like or love you?
Do you seem to notice everyone else's problems and have a need to tell them what you think they should do to solve them?
Do you feel anxious, angry or upset when people don't do things you want them to do, or do things the way you want them to do them?
Do you find yourself in relationships where you do all the giving and the other person does all the taking?
Are you involved in activities that demand all of your time and energy and you are neglecting your family or yourself?
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Live each day as if it were your last...because tomorrow?
It might be.
hmmmm..... Now I'm confused. I was beginning to think I was 'co-dependent' due to my relationship with John and 'bending my life around his & his free time" and thinking back on it my ex husband, too. But I answered these questions and now I don't know.... Is it like the 'are you an alcoholic test" (if you answered yes to 1 or 2 you yada, yada, yada........) Am I co-dependent or not????? I'm so friggn' confused these days about soooo many things......arrggh!!
Do you find yourself making decisions based on other people's opinions?
Not usually, but there have been times when others have pointed out something I didn't realize that made me change my decision.
Is it important to you that people like you and want to be your friend? Well sure. I think it's important to everyone to be liked and have friends.
Do you have a strong desire to help others, but deep down you know you do it so that they will like or love you? I help others because I like or love THEM, if they find admiration somewhere in there for me, then that's even better.
Do you seem to notice everyone else's problems and have a need to tell them what you think they should do to solve them? Sure, alot of times, but I've always chalked that up to plain old human nature. We always know what's best for someone else.
Do you feel anxious, angry or upset when people don't do things you want them to do, or do things the way you want them to do them? This one I have to say 'yes' to!
Do you find yourself in relationships where you do all the giving and the other person does all the taking? I have in the past and sometimes felt that was the basis of my and John's relationship, but stepping back and looking at it now, I realize he probably gave more than I did, just in different ways. Are you involved in activities that demand all of your time and energy and you are neglecting your family or yourself. Nope!
-- Edited by Doll at 20:48, 2007-09-29
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I also believe that as we become healthier through the AA program, that a lot of these issues are dealt with...
Just another awareness thing...and change...
I certainly didn't come into the rooms a well balanced well adjusted rounded human being I have elements of a co-dependant but jesus i can identify with the half ton man and as skinny who eats like a bird that is a little weird but i can just can't get my head around his substance of choice but so relate to filling up with outside ourselves things when it is the inside that needs attention. I watch for patterns of behaviour and dissatisfaction when i see this in my life i'm not working a program, i'm doing the same old same old in another way everytime a lesson on me and a step closer to god. Thank god it is progress not perfection
Thanks Phil.....Digging a bit deeper into this issue, I now believe that everyone (not just us in recovery) are co-dependent to some degree.....Which makes me pretty (dare I use the word ? ) "normal" on that level! I'm relieved I don't need to 'join another group" . Whew!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
In the infamous words of Naomi Judd "Normal is the cycle on a washing machine". LOL!
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
It's funny that the typical response by AA's to codependency issues is "sounds familiar but no too much", but seems to me like most AA's have a lot of relationship problems and are generally single and lonely. That's not to mention the problems with the boss, co-workers, family and friends. that is all carry on. ;P
The 12 & 12 is an amazing book (I'm a "12 &12 guy"). There is some much info in that book that you can read it 100 times and come away with different stuff every time. A step meeting will get through the book 4 times in a year and I think I've been thru it 50 times. All Thru the AA program there are tid bits about relationships but because of the typical group conscience, It's not really allowed to be discussed because "It doesn't directly pertain to alcohol" and generally the "Old timers" will put a stop to it. It's easy to see why if they are living alone, what's to talk about?
I was very fortunate, when I was first getting sober, to have an AA club that allowed Coda to have meetings there. I'm very certain that my relationship issues were keeping me from getting sober (It's our #1 problem besides picking up a drink) the two years that I was in and out. I could fill pages on end with what I learned there (and by reading John Bradshaw books) but this is not the place to do it. That said, I urge all recovering AA's (with some time under their belt) to try the Coda program and see if it can make a difference. It sure has for me.
It's funny that the typical response by AA's to codependency issues is "sounds familiar but no too much", but seems to me like most AA's have a lot of relationship problems and are generally single and lonely. That's not to mention the problems with the boss, co-workers, family and friends. that is all carry on. ;P
Am I a bit oversensitive this morning? Or are you taking (my) inventory? Seems to me the BB talks about alcoholics on ALL levels, from the binging stay at home Mom to the bum with the brown paper bag, therefore, we all may have the same afflication, but we each have different symptoms!
I've been reading up on co-dependency, from a clinical point of view, NO human being is immune.
-- Edited by Doll at 06:11, 2007-10-01
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Am I a bit oversensitive this morning? Or are you taking (my) inventory? Seems to me the BB talks about alcoholics on ALL levels, from the binging stay at home Mom to the bum with the brown paper bag, therefore, we all may have the same afflication, but we each have different symptoms!
I've been reading up on co-dependency, from a clinical point of view, NO human being is immune.
-- Edited by Doll at 06:11, 2007-10-01
No not at all. I started attending Coda (and ACOA) meetings in 1990 and my comments were based on my observations over that last 17 years. And you are correct, this is a condependent society that we live in and we are literaly brainwashed into it with music, tv, the greating card industry ect... So yes, to some extent we are all a bit codependent, but alcoholics more so than "earth people". Clinically the word co-dependent= with-dependent and is attributed to the dysfunctional behavior that "they" develop from living in close proximity to an addict/alcoholic. I had two alcoholic parents so I didn't stand a chance. Also all my best friends growing up were alcoholics/addicts from these type households as well.
John Bradshaw's group workships over the past couple decades has discovered that "Adult Children" and Codependents come from families with all sorts of parental issues such as Parents that were work-a-holics, gamblers, religeous addicts, sex addicts....This next generation will have dysfunctional children from the parents being video game addicts, and Internet addicts.
Another way to aquire codependency is thru care giving occupations such as nursing or caring for elderly/infirm. Nursing is the #1 occupation for codependent women, and a lot of them are from alcoholic families and/or married to alcoholics.
StPeteDean wrote: No not at all. I started attending Coda (and ACOA) meetings in 1990 and my comments were based on my observations over that last 17 years. .
Sorry, friend, but 17 years (or 27 or 127) in any group (coda, AA, NA, GA, or whatever) doesn't qualify you, or anyone else, to diagnose me......As you well know, I am struggling right now and my comments and questions to Phil were sincere. Lord knows I don't need anymore than I've got on my plate right now, so your comments (and yes, I believe they were directed at me, if I'm wrong, then my apologies) were not necessary nor welcomed by me, first thing this morning......One of the first things I learned as a small child - when you point a finger at someone else, you have 3 pointing back at yourself.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Ok, let me expand on what I meant by "No not at all". My comments were not directed at anyone. I've said it before in another thread here, that IMO many (I believe I said most) Long time recovering AA's tend to live alone. Not there is anything wrong with that, they seem to do very well at it. But It's phenominal that when a number of these AA's with 5,10,15 years get's into a serious relationship, it causes them to drink and unfortunately some of those wind up taking their own life over it.
With that said, simple logic would indicate (to me) that the AA program doesn't do a very good job at teaching us how to have sucessful relationships. The views expressed above are only my opinion and certainly not intended to catagorize anyone in particular, especially since I don't know anyone on this board personally. <------disclaimer
"One of the first things I learned as a small child - when you point a finger at someone else, you have 3 pointing back at yourself. "
Ahhh.... yes I am a recovering codependent, acoa, alcoholic, and addict. I'm also happily married 14 years now and the father of a 3rd year college student that I raised as a single parent, and own a successful business that I started when I got sober in '89.
Sorry for tooting my own horn, my point is that I don't beleive that I could have even stayed sober if I hadn't stumbled into a Coda meeting (by accident) because my relationship skills were soooo bad that I was having trouble with AA, work, parents........everyone. I can't even imagine being able to have relationships with customers and employees without the skills that I learned in Coda, and getting the chip off both my shoulders in Acoa. I hope my comments (only reason for them) will encourage some others to take a look at Coda (after getting a good AA program) to see if it can help you.
StPeteDean wrote: No not at all. I started attending Coda (and ACOA) meetings in 1990 and my comments were based on my observations over that last 17 years. .
Sorry, friend, but 17 years (or 27 or 127) in any group (coda, AA, NA, GA, or whatever) doesn't qualify you, or anyone else, to diagnose me......As you well know, I am struggling right now and my comments and questions to Phil were sincere. Lord knows I don't need anymore than I've got on my plate right now, so your comments (and yes, I believe they were directed at me, if I'm wrong, then my apologies) were not necessary nor welcomed by me, first thing this morning......One of the first things I learned as a small child - when you point a finger at someone else, you have 3 pointing back at yourself.
I've enjoyed the thread here & I love a bit of fiest. I prefer that to my defensiveness which is my usual tack & one certainly rooted in my co~dependency. I'd love to be able to learn how to express myself in a 'To thine own self be True' kinda way but my fear of people gets in the way. I'm sure there's a way to learn compromise as I'd like to hold with the 'an AA crawls before no-one' adage too tho I can't quite grasp that yet. I'm hoping to learn by developing other skills & awareness regarding my issues, shortcomings & defects & for me it's all about doing whatever it takes to stay sober. I've lots to learn & want to share & behave with others more in a respectfully giving & self~respectful kinda way without being controlling. It would be nice to accept that others can adapt to me as much as likewise. That would be the ideal for me & maybe I wouldn't be scared ;) Ps. I speak purely for myself. Sharing my E,S&H. If anyone has any identification then that's for them. Principles before personalities. Always. This is the freedom AA offers to me & I am grateful for it ~ Live & let Live. God, I love this Fellowship & its principles. Saves my life daily sometimes. Thanks for being here. Sorry to hear if anyone is struggling ~ It will pass x Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Now I'm confused. I was beginning to think I was 'co-dependent' due to my relationship with John and 'bending my life around his & his free time" and thinking back on it my ex husband, too. But I answered these questions and now I don't know.... Is it like the 'are you an alcoholic test" (if you answered yes to 1 or 2 you yada, yada, yada........) Am I co-dependent or not????? I'm so friggn' confused these days about soooo many things......arrggh!! 
just can't get my head around his substance of choice but so relate to filling up with outside ourselves things when it is the inside that needs attention. I watch for patterns of behaviour and dissatisfaction when i see this in my life i'm not working a program, i'm doing the same old same old in another way everytime a lesson on me and a step closer to god.