Met someone from a meeting a few months back. My sponsor advised that I don't pursue anything within my first year. we stayed friends, but attraction started. During my first fourth step, I told him we should not talk anymore. over time, I miss him, I was falling for him. I am not sure what can remidy the situation, as I am not sure I made a mistake or not, even if I put my sobriety first. I do not want to deprive myself of love, though I also want to stay sober. My original sobriety date is 4/4/16, I had a glass of wine on 11/23/16, so I have more than five months now. Any thoughts on the matter would be greatly appreciated.
Fyne Spirit said
Apr 29, 2017
Well, aren't you the perfect sponsee to take advice like that. I never would have and my sponsor understood that if he gave me advice along those lines, I would ignore it, and if I came unstuck, that would put a barrier between him and me. He was not a "told you so" sponsor.
No relationships in the first 12 months is a rehab construct, not an AA one. AA warns against "boy meets girl on AA campus", but almost encourages relationships between AAs otherwise.
My experience was that I was 13 stepped at a few weeks sober. Second date- moving van in the driveway kinda thing. My sponsor was biting his tongue. The woman was a serial predator which everyone knew except me and if anyone had tried to tell me, I would not have believed them. I couldn't believe my luck. I was 22, and had very definite ideas, completely wrong as it turns out, that I should be settled down and responsible. And here I was, partner, house, white picket fence and two children as well.
Then she kicked me out in favour of the next victim. Lots of resentment and a few other problems I wont go into. Ended up in a flat on my own which was the best thing that ever happened to me. My sobriety was always number one priority through all of this, but the resentment was persistent and seemed like it could put a barrier between me and AA. I couldn't be in the same room as her. I prayed for her and the resentment stayed.
Then my prayer were answered. I realised that I had a part in this. My motives for being in this relationship were all wrong, selfish, instnct driven, sex, prestige and security. Love was not in the equation. I would not have known an honest emotion if I fell over it.
So I went and made amends for my part, and it completely set me free. She carried on as before and got drunk a few times, but eventually stayed sober.
This was one of the most valuable experiences of my sobriety. The problems I got into were solved, not by my sponsor, but by God, me and the steps together. That is what recovery is about, a relationship with the God of my understanding, and this was a very practical example of that. My sponsors part was to make sure I did not become dependent on him, teaching me always to go to God.
I often wonder what would have happened if I had followed the one year rule. Would I have been any wiser? Would I have known more about relationships. I doubt it because I still would have had no experience. The way I learn in AA is by doing. When I make a mistake, I learn from that. I did the steps before I understood them. It is the only way to understand them. But no matter what else was going on, I kept working the steps and sobriety as my number one priority.
The book says 'Job or no job, wife or no wife, we can get sober inspite of anything. So relationship or not, it will have no effect on whether you will get sober or not. The exception is when someone is very new and really screwed up and vulnerable.
After that experience, I never went near another AA woman. One nutter in a relationship is enough. I had several girlfirends, a wife of twenty years who died, another partner for eight years till we went our seperate ways amicably, and now I have a Thai partner who I am planning to marry soon. None were/are alcoholics. In my experience, earth people make much better partners.
Pythonpappy said
Apr 29, 2017
Welcome to MIP skibunni, ...
Yeah, I've heard the 'do not get into a relationship for the first year too, however, I tend to think Fyne Spirit's views on the subject much more of a 'common sense' approach to the subject matter ... every situation is different ... I've seen great relationships evolve in the AA rooms, AND, I've seen disasters ... so ... whether in or out of AA, a relationship is based on compatibility, attraction and most of all love-ability ... it boils down to what you feel is right, in your heart ... but don't let sexual attraction guide you, let your gut feeling guide your actions ...
So, you made a mistake by having a drink ... a lot of us have ... but you have enough 'sober time' to make good decisions now ... SO ... KEEP SOBRIETY AS YOUR NUMBER 1 PRIORITY AND YOU'LL BE FINE ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
bikerbill said
May 3, 2017
Hmmm....I think there's a suggestion to not take major decisions early in your journey, unless you have to.
Now for me....the first 5 years was trying to win my estranged ex wife back, followed by a short lived, sex driven affair where we used each other to get out of shitty relationships. Then 6 months of learning to live with myself. Then 18 months of on again off again relationship with an earthling.....who turned out to be a lovely woman but incredibly selfish and addicted to emotional drama. (I quite enjoyed it for a while but eventually saw I'd never be more than a distraction) another year of physical and emotional celibacy.
The last 2 and a bit years have been with a woman and we have learnt to treat each other as......an equal. We've learnt how to communicate....we've learnt how to be vulnerable and honest with each other.
See all the previous relationships were flawed on my part through fear of being alone, fear of not getting sex, fear of living with myself, fear of being responsible for me.
They were all learning steps along the way to where I am now.
chris said
May 3, 2017
I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with another alcoholic. I like Fyne's take...one nutter in a relationship is enough, lol.
Tanin said
May 4, 2017
chris wrote:
I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with another alcoholic.
It is definitely a problematic thing, I can attest. My long term relationship. disintegrated within a year of getting sober.
Somehow, I managed to survive. My partner did not.
Pythonpappy said
May 4, 2017
I can't help but believe that 'unless ' one gets well first, that the principles of our program of recovery have 'taken hold' in our hearts yet ... ... ... that's not to say we can't help each other recover, it's just a monumental task to be well enough to be involved in an emotional roller-coaster, when we ourselves, are still sick ...
Pappy
Pythonpappy said
May 4, 2017
Did that make any sense ??? ...
Tanin said
May 9, 2017
Is it maybe missing a "not" in there, Pappy?
Pythonpappy said
May 9, 2017
Yeah Pickle, ... I think you're right ... LOL ...
SoberInMI said
May 23, 2017
Fyne Spirit wrote:
Well, aren't you the perfect sponsee to take advice like that. I never would have and my sponsor understood that if he gave me advice along those lines, I would ignore it, and if I came unstuck, that would put a barrier between him and me. He was not a "told you so" sponsor.
No relationships in the first 12 months is a rehab construct, not an AA one. AA warns against "boy meets girl on AA campus", but almost encourages relationships between AAs otherwise.
My experience was that I was 13 stepped at a few weeks sober. Second date- moving van in the driveway kinda thing. My sponsor was biting his tongue. The woman was a serial predator which everyone knew except me and if anyone had tried to tell me, I would not have believed them. I couldn't believe my luck. I was 22, and had very definite ideas, completely wrong as it turns out, that I should be settled down and responsible. And here I was, partner, house, white picket fence and two children as well.
Then she kicked me out in favour of the next victim. Lots of resentment and a few other problems I wont go into. Ended up in a flat on my own which was the best thing that ever happened to me. My sobriety was always number one priority through all of this, but the resentment was persistent and seemed like it could put a barrier between me and AA. I couldn't be in the same room as her. I prayed for her and the resentment stayed.
Then my prayer were answered. I realised that I had a part in this. My motives for being in this relationship were all wrong, selfish, instnct driven, sex, prestige and security. Love was not in the equation. I would not have known an honest emotion if I fell over it.
So I went and made amends for my part, and it completely set me free. She carried on as before and got drunk a few times, but eventually stayed sober.
This was one of the most valuable experiences of my sobriety. The problems I got into were solved, not by my sponsor, but by God, me and the steps together. That is what recovery is about, a relationship with the God of my understanding, and this was a very practical example of that. My sponsors part was to make sure I did not become dependent on him, teaching me always to go to God.
I often wonder what would have happened if I had followed the one year rule. Would I have been any wiser? Would I have known more about relationships. I doubt it because I still would have had no experience. The way I learn in AA is by doing. When I make a mistake, I learn from that. I did the steps before I understood them. It is the only way to understand them. But no matter what else was going on, I kept working the steps and sobriety as my number one priority.
The book says 'Job or no job, wife or no wife, we can get sober inspite of anything. So relationship or not, it will have no effect on whether you will get sober or not. The exception is when someone is very new and really screwed up and vulnerable.
After that experience, I never went near another AA woman. One nutter in a relationship is enough. I had several girlfirends, a wife of twenty years who died, another partner for eight years till we went our seperate ways amicably, and now I have a Thai partner who I am planning to marry soon. None were/are alcoholics. In my experience, earth people make much better partners.
WOW!!!
It is suggested that you don't get into or out of a relationship or make any major decisions in the first year for obvious reasons. It is also strongly suggested that women get woman sponsors and vice versa just to avoid romantic issues.
IMHO, you did not make your sobriety your number one priority or you wouldn't have gotten into the relationship.
Romantic relationships for newcomers is a distraction from their program and often we get into the same unhealthy and chaotic relationships we always have until we get some time under our belt.
I agree with you that you remained sober by God's grace and God's grace alone!!!!!
It is my opinion that your sponsor was not doing his job because he should have explained why moving in with this person was bad a idea and suggested that you do not do it, having withheld important information as a result. When I was a newcomer, female members literally surrounded female newcomers to ward off male 13 steppers.
Alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease. What you risked was your life and going on a road trip, where not everyone comes back, and those that do are hardly unscathed!
Some argue that dating people in the program is liking fishing in a polluted pond and I have had female friends, not girlfriends, with 10+ years implode the friendship because they couldn't follow the program. Still, I have seen some good relationships come out of the program. So fish at your own risk.
By the way I have an interest in 2 females in the program at the moment. Don't know if they share my interest or where it will go if anywhere. I know the risks and how to stay sober. I had a relationship after approximately 6 months sober. Her family life was chaotic and she was younger than the other older women I dated, more like lived with for the most part, but not with her. Sound familiar? I kept an emotional distance and daily contact with my sponsor. I worked a rigorous program and never skimped on meetings. Eventually the emotional distance broke us up. There was a risk that I could fall off he wagon.
RealismAddict said
13 days ago
I can really relate to what youre describing. For me, putting sobriety first has sometimes meant making painful choices that dont feel fair in the moment. What helped was accepting that the first year is about building a stable foundation, not denying love forever. Feelings dont disappear just because were sober, but acting on them too early can blur priorities. Taking space doesnt mean you were wrong, it means you chose safety. Ive found it useful to focus on emotional connection and self-understanding first, even exploring reflective tools and perspectives like those discussed on http://compareaigf.com/ while staying honest with my sponsor and program.
vassapa said
12 days ago
Reading this, I really feel for you. Putting sobriety first is never a mistake, even when it hurts emotionally. Ive learned that early recovery is about building stability, not denying yourself love forever. Feelings can surface naturally, and missing someone doesnt mean you chose wrong. Sometimes it helps to create emotional space without risking your progress. For me, having a safe outlet for connectionlike reflective journaling or even gentle, non-triggering interaction such as ai-ebony.com/crush-on-ai can ease loneliness while I stay grounded. Your sobriety is precious, and love will still be there when youre stronger and ready.
Met someone from a meeting a few months back. My sponsor advised that I don't pursue anything within my first year. we stayed friends, but attraction started. During my first fourth step, I told him we should not talk anymore. over time, I miss him, I was falling for him. I am not sure what can remidy the situation, as I am not sure I made a mistake or not, even if I put my sobriety first. I do not want to deprive myself of love, though I also want to stay sober. My original sobriety date is 4/4/16, I had a glass of wine on 11/23/16, so I have more than five months now. Any thoughts on the matter would be greatly appreciated.
No relationships in the first 12 months is a rehab construct, not an AA one. AA warns against "boy meets girl on AA campus", but almost encourages relationships between AAs otherwise.
My experience was that I was 13 stepped at a few weeks sober. Second date- moving van in the driveway kinda thing. My sponsor was biting his tongue. The woman was a serial predator which everyone knew except me and if anyone had tried to tell me, I would not have believed them. I couldn't believe my luck. I was 22, and had very definite ideas, completely wrong as it turns out, that I should be settled down and responsible. And here I was, partner, house, white picket fence and two children as well.
Then she kicked me out in favour of the next victim. Lots of resentment and a few other problems I wont go into. Ended up in a flat on my own which was the best thing that ever happened to me. My sobriety was always number one priority through all of this, but the resentment was persistent and seemed like it could put a barrier between me and AA. I couldn't be in the same room as her. I prayed for her and the resentment stayed.
Then my prayer were answered. I realised that I had a part in this. My motives for being in this relationship were all wrong, selfish, instnct driven, sex, prestige and security. Love was not in the equation. I would not have known an honest emotion if I fell over it.
So I went and made amends for my part, and it completely set me free. She carried on as before and got drunk a few times, but eventually stayed sober.
This was one of the most valuable experiences of my sobriety. The problems I got into were solved, not by my sponsor, but by God, me and the steps together. That is what recovery is about, a relationship with the God of my understanding, and this was a very practical example of that. My sponsors part was to make sure I did not become dependent on him, teaching me always to go to God.
I often wonder what would have happened if I had followed the one year rule. Would I have been any wiser? Would I have known more about relationships. I doubt it because I still would have had no experience. The way I learn in AA is by doing. When I make a mistake, I learn from that. I did the steps before I understood them. It is the only way to understand them. But no matter what else was going on, I kept working the steps and sobriety as my number one priority.
The book says 'Job or no job, wife or no wife, we can get sober inspite of anything. So relationship or not, it will have no effect on whether you will get sober or not. The exception is when someone is very new and really screwed up and vulnerable.
After that experience, I never went near another AA woman. One nutter in a relationship is enough. I had several girlfirends, a wife of twenty years who died, another partner for eight years till we went our seperate ways amicably, and now I have a Thai partner who I am planning to marry soon. None were/are alcoholics. In my experience, earth people make much better partners.
Welcome to MIP skibunni, ...
Yeah, I've heard the 'do not get into a relationship for the first year too, however, I tend to think Fyne Spirit's views on the subject much more of a 'common sense' approach to the subject matter ... every situation is different ... I've seen great relationships evolve in the AA rooms, AND, I've seen disasters ... so ... whether in or out of AA, a relationship is based on compatibility, attraction and most of all love-ability ... it boils down to what you feel is right, in your heart ... but don't let sexual attraction guide you, let your gut feeling guide your actions ...
So, you made a mistake by having a drink ... a lot of us have ... but you have enough 'sober time' to make good decisions now ... SO ... KEEP SOBRIETY AS YOUR NUMBER 1 PRIORITY AND YOU'LL BE FINE ...
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
It is definitely a problematic thing, I can attest. My long term relationship. disintegrated within a year of getting sober.
Somehow, I managed to survive. My partner did not.
I can't help but believe that 'unless ' one gets well first, that the principles of our program of recovery have 'taken hold' in our hearts yet ... ... ... that's not to say we can't help each other recover, it's just a monumental task to be well enough to be involved in an emotional roller-coaster, when we ourselves, are still sick ...
Pappy
Did that make any sense ??? ...
Yeah Pickle, ... I think you're right ... LOL ...
WOW!!!
It is suggested that you don't get into or out of a relationship or make any major decisions in the first year for obvious reasons. It is also strongly suggested that women get woman sponsors and vice versa just to avoid romantic issues.
IMHO, you did not make your sobriety your number one priority or you wouldn't have gotten into the relationship.
Romantic relationships for newcomers is a distraction from their program and often we get into the same unhealthy and chaotic relationships we always have until we get some time under our belt.
I agree with you that you remained sober by God's grace and God's grace alone!!!!!
It is my opinion that your sponsor was not doing his job because he should have explained why moving in with this person was bad a idea and suggested that you do not do it, having withheld important information as a result. When I was a newcomer, female members literally surrounded female newcomers to ward off male 13 steppers.
Alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease. What you risked was your life and going on a road trip, where not everyone comes back, and those that do are hardly unscathed!
Some argue that dating people in the program is liking fishing in a polluted pond and I have had female friends, not girlfriends, with 10+ years implode the friendship because they couldn't follow the program. Still, I have seen some good relationships come out of the program. So fish at your own risk.
By the way I have an interest in 2 females in the program at the moment. Don't know if they share my interest or where it will go if anywhere. I know the risks and how to stay sober. I had a relationship after approximately 6 months sober. Her family life was chaotic and she was younger than the other older women I dated, more like lived with for the most part, but not with her. Sound familiar? I kept an emotional distance and daily contact with my sponsor. I worked a rigorous program and never skimped on meetings. Eventually the emotional distance broke us up. There was a risk that I could fall off he wagon.