You Can't Make Me Angry by Dr. Paul O.

(I was researching on the internet last week trying to find a AA related book which deals with anger issues as I posted I was having a rough time of it. I did find a book which I am confident will help me deal with people, places and things better. Dr. Paul was a popular speaker at thousands of AA meetings, conventions and workshops.  Here is an excerpt from the back cover:)

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today." You may already know of Dr. Paul's simple yet profound wisdom in the frequently quoted passage from his story in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Dr. Paul continues sharing his experience, strength and hope in this, his second book, "You Can't Make Me Angry": "By the time you put this book down, you will be convinced that people and circumstances don't make us angry; we make ourselves angry. People can't make us angry"unless we let them. We alone are responsible for our feelings.

A measure of the effectiveness of communication is the result it produces. If you don't like the results you are getting when communicating with another person, there's a great deal you can do about it. I'm not willing to let any thing or any person put my physical sobriety at risk; why should I put less value on my emotional sobriety?

For physical sobriety, we had to give up drinking, and for emotional sobriety, we have to give up blaming others. No longer an we say,"You made me angry!" Instead, we must accept personal responsibility for our emotional state. This much responsibility may seem extreme, yet in fact it is a great freedom. Henceforth, no person or situation can upset us if we don't give them or it permission to do so. What could be a greater freedom than that?

Emotional maturity is like serenity. The first time I felt serene, I wondered what was happening, but I liked the feeling and wanted more. The more I got, the more I wanted. Serenity is addictive."

About the Author

From the time of his recovery in July of 1967 until his passing in May 2000, Dr. Paul was a tireless carrier of A.A.s message, always with humor and love.

Remember what I said about renting space in your head to others ??? .... ... ... We alone determine our views and feelings toward any situation and/or person ... no matter what's going on today, it's the way I choose to see it that makes all the difference in the world ... it's a thing called attitude!!!

pg. 84   Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves

I hear you, BTY. Your share reminds me of an experience I had around 9-10 months in. My ex-wife was filing for divorce after 5 years of marriage. Her excuse: Irreconcilable differences, no surprises there. It wasn't the first time I heard that before. Needless to say, the entire incident took me by surprise, causing me to question everything including my sobriety. 

One of her major contentions, besides borderline narcissism, was the whirlwind saga of what she called 'foolish pride' -that and a selfish attitude. It was her way of getting me back for years of unwanted neglect, or so she claims. The truth, however, was much, much different.

I always thought I could fix anything, including my so-called marriage, but just like most unhappy relationships, the truth never comes out in the end. So I had to swallow my pride and move on. Then it dawned on me, there has to be some way I could move forward without any regrets. Well guess what? There was, and that realization got me over the next hurdle in life, "emotional sobriety".

Bill Wilson said it best: "I think that many oldsters who have put our AA "booze cure" to severe but successful tests still find they often lack emotional sobriety. Perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development in AA, the development of much more real maturity and balance (which is to say, humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God". I agree. Now comes the tricky part, applying that principle to our daily lives.

One of the easiest ways to move forward, without any regrets, is to change our perspective. It's what the old timers call 'spiritual maturity' or what my sponsor calls 'the pains of growing up'. Bill Wilson referred to it as "the next major development in AA" and I can see why. It's a precursor to something truly magical, and it all starts with humility.

Developing 'a spirit of humility' requires more than just action; it also requires a more delicate touch, not to mention the right attitude. It may even require years of practice, just like it did for me. So I suggest you research the topic further, BTY, just as a precautionary measure. Believe you me; it does work if we work for it. I promise.

Let's face it, an unhealthy dependence is a train wreck waiting to happen and so are deep seated emotions. So we need to let those emotions go. It can also create a lot of physical pain if we're not careful, so proceed with caution. If not, we might find ourselves back to square one, who knows. The bottom line: Maybe it's time for an overhaul. And it all starts with step 1. That's where the miracle began by the way. The remaining steps will bring everything else into focus, I know it will. I hope others agree. Onward.  

I love that expression about "not renting space in your head", Pappy, and the first time I heard it was when I got back into AA this last time. Unfortunately, me liking something and me applying that thing are two different things. Maybe along with the daily prayers I do, I should pray to my HP to help me "not rent space in my head". This book is a good one and I will use it in my daily studies. The Big Book, of course is my "main course". I guess it is my "appetizer" as well, because it should always come first. Dr. Paul was 82 at the time he wrote the book and he and his wife had been married for 61 years at that time. (It was published in 2000. He passed away in 2008, after completing the manuscript.) That is pretty impressive to me of how the program worked for him and his relationship. I think very few couples are able to stay together --happily-- for anywhere near that time. My grandparents on both sides did, however, I think from being around them and what I heard, they were all not very happy more than "stuck" with one another. (alcoholism was a factor in one of the sets of grandparents). My mom and dad were not as happy with one another as I had thought they were for years. My mom told me after my dad died. I mean right after--the night after he was buried) that she had been miserable for the last 20 years before he passed away. Ouch! Really didn't want or need to hear that and especially so soon as I was grieving, too. If it helped her getting it out, then that is good, I guess. Worked through my resentment on that one and no longer am angry about it. My dad was an alcoholic and his drinking started getting worse around the time she said her misery started so that makes sense to me now since I have caused her and others so much misery with my own drinking.

Yes, Mr. David....that humility part...I looked that word up. I did earlier in my sobriety and needed a refresher. Think my brain gets stuck on the spin cycle so much. All this washing all the old stuff, cleaning it up and bringing new stuff into it is a good thing, however, I get confused about what I have learned. (overthinking???) I have never thought of myself as thinking I was more important than others. Then I learned after working the steps, I sure did (and still do at times) because to be so self-absorbed in my own thoughts and world and to try and control others and things like I still do at times, sounds like I need work in that area. Great post, above, btw, and thank you for it. I do have an unhealthy dependence and do have deep seated emotions. So the overhauling is going on with the reading/studying/praying. I just need to work on remembering and applying what I learn in my daily living. I want and need some of that emotional as well as spiritual sobriety you mentioned in your post. So I need to absorb more of the BB info so I can hopefully be less self-absorbed.

BTY

BTY,

When you talked about "reading, studying, and praying", that sounds a lot like a retreat.  Then it occurred to me.....have you ever thought about going on a weekend retreat?  Check and see if there are any 12 Step recovery spiritual retreats available in your area that you could go to.  I think you'd love it.

Blessings, Mike D.

Ik herken dat gevoel helemaal, want ik heb zelf ook gemerkt hoe belangrijk het is om verantwoordelijkheid te nemen voor je eigen emoties en rust te vinden in kleine momenten. Tijdens zon moment van reflectie kwam ik halverwege toevallig uit bij spinogambino waar spelers uit België aparte bonussen kregen. Ik probeerde een paar spins op een eenvoudige slot en die korte afleiding gaf me precies het beetje ontspanning en plezier dat hielp om daarna weer met meer helderheid naar de dag en mijn eigen emoties te kijken.