Hey Guys, I am new here. Just to give you some background my boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years and living together for 2. We are best friends and been through EVERYTHING together... I'm 20 my B/f is 27.... We both used to get high and drunk together but im glad to say that we are now both a year clean and sober. My boyfriend goes to AA and I do not. I think it is great for him he has made lots of friends and its become a huge part of his life. I am just feeling a little disapointed and upset tonight and want some of your advice or oppinions.

December 6th will be his(and my) 1 year, So he has his meeting group with all his pals and they are all sorta throwing him a party meeting where he'll get to speak and do the meeting since its his one year. Well he has been so excited about this for awhile now and I am as well. I never got to hear him speak at a meeting and I would LOVE to be there for support and just to let him know how proud I am of him. I love this guy very much he's my best friend and I thought we were able to tell eachtother everything and feel completely comfortable around eachother. He has been telling me for months that he was gonna take me to this meeting and tonight we went out to dinner and started talking about it and I asked him if I was still going and he shocked me when he replied i dont know. He made it seem like he really didnt want me going. I am kinda hurt because I was really looking forward to this and he has never been uncomfortable or tight lipped w/ me. I don't know if it is me being selfish i understand how AA works and I know theres steps and things you should do to help yourself stay sober but im feeling like he is putting his AA friends ahead of me sometimes and like some of them have taken my place as his "best friend" I don't mean to sound jealous I just am hurt that he doesnt want me to go to this meeting. The reason I dont go w/ him everynight is so he has some space. I thought he would be ready for me to be there that night.

Am I wrong?

Has he told you what his feelings are, concerning this?

Have you told him how you feel?

Gotta agree with Dan on this one......comunication..

Good morning Dan..how are things on your end..?

congrats on one year!

 

Maybe  there are some things he needs to tell but is not ready to share them with you. If ever. There are many things I would never want my significant other to know about me that I did while drinking...... Communication is the key!

Good luck

Dol

Nah I havent told him how I feel .........He knows I wanna go cause we talked about it before. He said he just feels like he he will be nervouse enough as it is. I just don't get it I think that if theres things he "doesnt want me to know" that is just ridiculous because we are supposed to be open and honest in our relationship and if there is something i have a right to know since i'm building my life around this relationship.

My feelings are just hurt. I really want to be there... ill ask him again and tell him i really wanna go and if I don't then I guess i'll have to re-think about my relatiosnhip

 

Welcome to the board and congratulations on your one year sober!!!You said you don't go to AA, I understand you might not want to go to the same meeting as him, is there a different AA meeting you can attend, some places have more than one group.It would be great if you could go to AA also, you are also celebrating a year of sobriety. Have you read the Big Book, the 12 and 12 ? Even though I'm an alcoholic with 20 years of sobriety, I also go to Al-anon, because I'm an adult child of an alcoholic, the wife of an alcoholic, deal with other alcoholics everyday....You need a support group also, do you have one?

Have you visited the Al-anon board here at MIP? I agree with the others communication is key.I knew someone, she was Al-anon, she showed up with a huge cake for her husbands first year, he didn't showup at that meeting , went to another club, in another city to get his token.We must remember, we don't have control over others actions, thoughts, feelings, just as they do not control ours.Please keep posting here,there are a lot of people here with experience, strength and hope.

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose 

Hi! thanks for the congrats. I went to one meeting w/ him when he started because he's been in and out a lot and for the first time hes really really set on being sober forever and he wanted me to see what the meeting was like. Then he didnt ask me to go again so i let that be his thing. I was always a drinker and I was hooked on cocaine pretty bad but the difference is I was able to stop cold turkey. I knew what I wanted from my realtionship and that weekend came when we had done so much drugs and i just said this is it we have to stop this now. He needs AA I just stopped because I knew I couldn't live like that anymore and to be honest I don't know how I do it without others support. I mainly do it for him to keep him straight and for our future. It's something I want sooo bad I am able to give up going out with all my friends and family and enjoying my upcoming 21st b-day because its not the life I want anymore. I get the urge every now and then to go out but i just don't and I know I won't. I guess thats why I haven't gone to my own support group.

I realize that I cannot control others actions, I learned that the hard way many times. I am just kinda stuck in a rough spot in my relatiosnhip right now. We are having some problems and been trying to work them out this whole year and im not sure they are smoothing out for us. I think that maybe at this meeting he might talk about our relationship and really might get emmotional or uncomfortable with me there. I understand but why would he tell me I was going and now all the sudden be NOT SURE. I'm really hurt. I don't have anything against AA but I've heard that a lot of the time sponsors and all try to get you to sever ties with all your old ways. he's done that with EVERYTHING except me. I'm starting to wonder if it is kinda pulling us apart slowly. For example we got into a huge fight not that long ago and his sponsor told him "we probably arent meant to be" this flat out pissed me off! I've been there with him through thick and thin and I'm the one who said it was enough and I am changing my life around at 20 years old for US and he seems to give all his credit to the people of AA and his sponsor. saying things like "if it wasn't for them...." Also the sponsor takes him to dances and banquets. I am fine with that if you wanna pay for a ticket to support the group bills or soemthing like that but A DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!! he has a g/f he doesn't need to be going to a **** dance !!!

Any thoughts??

Theres a saying that we have in this area...That says "First Things First" not First Thing First"

In my opinion...your relationship..is a priority..also...and just as important as anything else..Its called balance.

Something smells....in the chicken coup....

And going to AA functions, and dances without you?   Doesnt make any sense...does it?

Dont mean to stir any pots...just my personal view....you take care...and good luck with this one...

He only went once and left......... butthe sponsor trys to get him to go

Just a suggestion, but maybe Alanon would be the group for you. If you are not an alcoholic, but are in a relationship with one, Alanon is where you learn to live your life for you and not for the alcoholic. Many of my alanon friends started out the same way...trying to keep up with the alcoholic by drinking and partying with them, then realizing that thier behaviour was getting out of control. The difference was they could stop without many problems but the alcoholic could not, so they spent alot of time trying to protect the alcoholic from the consequences of thier actions.

Alanon will help you not to worry so much about what he is doing, but to live your life to the fullest in your own way. And you will be involved with functions also and it won't matter so much whether he is at a meeting with or without you.

Oh yeah...if it's an open meeting he's going to for his anniversary, you can go if you want to. An open meeting allows anyone to attend, a closed meeting is for those who have a desire to stop drinking only.

Love, cheri

Hi,

Just a suggestion, but you might want to read the section of the Big Book of AA called "For Wives".  This might help.  Also, congratulations on your year.  It is no small feat!   Mike in Boston

I will look into the Alnon meetings. It does sound like it would good for me.

I'll also read that section of the big book. I actually tried to read a little of it awhile back but never finished.

BTW I told him last night how I felt about wanting to hear him speak at that meeting I told him I really wanted to go and he just said theres gonna be a lot of people there. I just let it go ugh! I know its an open meeting but I'm not going to attend unless he wants me too.

I'll let you guys know how it all turns out tuesday.......... Thanks for all the help

Congratulations for a year.  To me it sounds like your nose is a bit out of joint because he is moving on in his life - ie - making changes with friends and going out without you.  It also sounds like you are living and changing your life and ways just for him.  Well I can tell you from experience that changing your life just for someone else just does not work in anyway, shape or form.  He is changing himself for him and you have got to do the same.  Change yourself for you - you have to want to do it for you - not anyone or anything else.  Do it for you.  This is a quote from one of your posts.

 " I mainly do it for him to keep him straight and for our future. It's something I want sooo bad I am able to give up going out with all my friends and family and enjoying my upcoming 21st b-day because its not the life I want anymore. I get the urge every now and then to go out but i just don't and I know I won't. I guess thats why I haven't gone to my own support group."

  I think it is time to find  a group that supports your needs -  Please keep this in mind, this comes from the bottom of my heart and experience.  I hope things work out and you do go to the party.  I agree with you in the fact that you should be there and celebrate with him and his friends (gives you a chance to meet the group and feel the warmth, love and caring) but on the other hand you should support his decision.  Hope he has a great one year party and you a happy 21st birthday.  

jeannie

-- Edited by jeannie at 13:33, 2005-12-05

Well.......... its a deffinate no!

The meeting party for him is tomorrow and he brought it up again tonight so when i asked him if i was going he just said no. So I asked him why? I really wanted to be there for support and he told me to "knock it off" ..... I am in tears right now! I can't believe he doesnt want me to go! I would think that me being there would make him feel a little more comfortable. I feel like I have no part in this anymore. I'm not making anything easier or better for him. This is really making me question my relationship. I thought everything is supposed to be based on trust and honesty and that we were supposed to comfort eachother and support eachother through everything. I guess he feels different than I do.

I'm upstairs on the computer for the rest of the night! I am just in total shock right now!

He's been saying he wanted me to go all year and now all of the sudden this.

Time for me to re-evaluate things

You are in my prayers. As suggested by several, please find your own support group, AA, Al-anon, have you read any books by Melody Beattie, such as "Codependant No More" or "The Language of Letting Go", Phil has posted some of her stuff here.

Please keep posting here, do you have a friend you can spent the evening with, go to dinner and a movie , get your nails done, find a separate meeting,do something nice for yourself, you deserve it, get out and do something. Once again congratulations on your year of sobriety, it's your's ,just like his sobriety is his, it is not a we thing.

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose