She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I'd stare too long
I'd probably break down and cry



She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

I think it`s over a year now since i`ve seen or spoken to my daughter, the last few times were by email, even that link I blew, cos I was still drinking and still angry, she had good questions, like "why did it have to be that way dad? why were you always drinking?"
I didnt want to hear it, my focus was on blaming her mother for everything, I had made a few bridges took her out for her 16th birthday met her boyfriend but I was drinking months passed before i thought to contact her again to late i had forgotten it was her imporant last year at school and I forgot to ask about her exam reult`s, I f**ked up so badly, now there is nothing.

I was 22 when my daughter was born and already a drunk, I was there when she was born but a coupla hours before she arrived I had been in the pub.

The next day I was drunk again Told myself I was celebrating but I was sat alone by a riverside attraction when the owner ( dressed as a pirate) gave me a free tour of his ship and tried to sober me up with coffee, an told me I should be with my new family, What was I thinking about???

Sweet child O`mine ( I was crazy about Guns & Roses) the song that always reminds me of my daughter was playing on my tape deck on the morning we christened her as I got ready in the bathroom whilst swigging a half bottle of Vodka.

I didn`t know then that I was an Alcoholic, deep down I did Know there was something wrong with me but I knew no other way.

                                        Badger.

Ah! Yes! good old G-N-R.

I used to think Axel Rose was so HOT! (ewww-yuck-yuck-pooey!) 

My favorite, November Rain. My son was a little over a year old when that song came out and I used to start drinking as soon as we got home in the evenings, put that song on and dance while holding him. It always started out as fun, but after hitting "repeat" about a million times and having downed a good 12 pack or more in a few short hours, it ALWAYS turned to sadness, pain and tears........I too knew way back then something was wrong, had no clue what.  Now, it's wonderful to know I'm an alcoholic. If I could change that I would, but atleast now, I understand all the "whys".  Today, I'm grateful to be a recovering alcoholic b/c I never have to be alone again, and I never have to drink again.

You're not alone, either, Badger.........Love and hugs, Doll

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this auch a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain

But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time
to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Hi Doll, I know Im not alone I am ok with who I am today, I am sober and I am growing up at last, Im gonna walk this path real slowly,

Hi Phil, I am a grateful recovering Alcoholic for me right now remember when`s are great therapy, I can`t share it all at once, there is so much, I doubt if I could express this stuff in rooms with the spoken word, so little by little im gonna write it down  and share it has honestly and as simply as I can, then I can let go of it and let God and hopfully find serenity.

Badger

my regrets mostly have to do with my child also. I really didn't care about anybody else much...  I mean I cared but...  I love my child more than my life...  I didn't care about my life. But I was not a good mom...  I just repeated the crap I learned from my parents. Then.. later on,,,  it was really for my son that I started recovery.. I wanted him to have a better life than I'd had.. and wanted to learn how to be a better mom.

My son didn't speak to me for a few years after he went out on his own. I had to just turn the whole situation over to God,, while I just did my Steps and went from day to day. After a few years (wish I could say a few days) he told me he noticed the changes in me. Now I had gone through my Steps and tried to make amends, but at that time he really didn't want to hear it...  it was later that he said he noticed that I really had consistently changed for the better... and we started relating to each other again. We do okay now. I can't change the past, but we can recover.

So keep on coming,, working the program,, and turn that situation over to your Higher Power as 'you do your best and God does the rest'. 

love in recovery,

amanda