There are well meaning people in the program who sometimes say things that would be better left unsaid. I know they want to help by preparing a beginner for the pitfalls and such but it isn't always helpful.
I have had a few AA veterans comment on my current state of happiness by saying things like "just wait until you do your step 4 and then we'll see how you feel" ...well I have news for them and anyone else trying to piss on my parade, I used to wake up every morning after and do a step 4. I would lay there thinking about every terrible thing I had ever done in my life from bullying children in grade school to embezzling money from work and everything in between. I'm one of those people who never forget anything, EVER...and I never forgive myself. Sometimes lying there having these painful memories race through my mind I contemplated taking my own life just to make the pain stop.
And they think writing it down and sharing it with another person with the hope of finally being able to forgive myself and move on is a frightening prospect? I can do that standing on my head.
I'm an open book.
rosie light shines said
Nov 7, 2005
i had a hard time forgive me for all the self abuse i did to me.......insults...beating me with my fists...hairpulling....screaming obsenities at me.....AND to God......
i figure if my God can forgive me, and *know my real heart* than i can....and yeah, i know some well meaning folks, can put their foot in their mouth up to their thighs.......if we were healthy, we wouldn't be here.............rosie
Aargonaut said
Nov 7, 2005
You know, you don't have to take another drink if you don't want. Ever. If I can quote Tony LaRue -- "Glad to be here. Glad to be here sober. Just to be sober."
My friend "Spiritual John" says that when he got here, he didn't care if he had to be miserable for the rest of his life as long as he didn't have to take another drink. Whatever emotional problems you are having, they are separate issues from drinking. You don't need to use it as an excuse to go and drink. Getting drunk will only make it better until you have a hangover the next morning. Maybe a blackout. Maybe you end up in bed with someone you don't know. Then you find out the person has AIDS. Maybe you end up in jail. Maybe you can never stop drinking again until you end up in a hospital or dead. If you are an alcoholic, drinking will always make it worse. Maybe not now, but somewhere down the line. The alcoholic mind, which I like to refer to as Pavlov's Dog Brain, cannot make you drink. It has no ability to make you mover your pinky. If you haven't eaten in a while, it will make you hungry and will give you the throught that a McDonalds' hamburger will be good right about now. When you have not had a drink in a while, it has is the ability plays with your thoughts and emotoins and gives you excuses to drink. Pavlov's Dog Brain will use your life problems as an excuse to get you to drink. But, they are separate issues.
When I first came to AA, people told me to take what I need and leave the rest behind. It's good advice. If you are not ready or willing to do a fourth step, don't do it. Most (but not all) of the people I've talked to in AA get a great feeling of relief from the 4th, 5th and 6th steps, and find it helps remove the ability of Pavlov's Dog Brain to get you to drink. When some people share their deepest, darkest secrets, they have a cathartic release. I wouldn't know. Here I am, sober for 6-1/2 years in AA without having "worked" one step. I do some of the stuff in the "steps" because I have to live in the world. I get a speeding ticket, I pay the ticket, and I don't go to jail. When I am wrong, I try to admit it, apologize and try to change my behavior in the future so I don't repeat the mistake. I have refused to do a 2nd step or a 3rd step, because they do not fit in with my belief system. I did a great 1st step and took it back because I realized I had power over the first drink, but that once I took the first drink, I gave up control over the second and third and twentieth drinks. Whenever I read the big book, I wanted to get drunk. (I would say to myself, "Who the f*&^ is this arrogant mo-fo (Bill W.) challenging me on for my lack of belief in a diety of the universe?!? Who is he to say there is a god?!?") So, I stopped reading it. However, when someone asks me for advice and the book has a practical solution, I'll point them right to it.
AA is like a three legged stool. It relies on medicine, religion and the (sometimes) caring AA fellowship. Without any leg, it doesn't stand very well. If the religion and fellowship can't help you, go talk to a psychologist. The program says to give it to god. I say, give it time and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Drinking only makes it better for a little while. It is not the solution. It is a lie. Just don't drink and it gets better.
-- Edited by Aargonaut at 20:35, 2005-11-07
Doll said
Nov 7, 2005
Great attitude Duane! I too had oldtimers tell me Step 4 would make me drink! Nope! I was happy to do it. When it was fianlly done, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted. You keep doing what you're doing. Work what's works for you. And just remember there's no hurry on the Steps. Sobriety is a journey, not a destination - one I had a hard time getting used to in the beginning. Another thing that helps me, I remind myself frequently that "some are sicker than others".
Proud of you man!
Doll
-- Edited by Doll at 16:58, 2005-11-07
Hanuman said
Nov 7, 2005
In my own case, I didn't have any earth-shaking epiphanies when I did the 4th step. As I stay sober and work with using the other steps I continue to do inventory .. particularly with 10 & 11 steps. I've made a lot of discoveries about myself doing that. But when I initially shared my 4th step with my sponsor he kind of made me feel as if I was holding something back. I guess I can only say I did the best I could with it at the time.
cheri said
Nov 7, 2005
For those who would say something like that to a newcomer...I guess I would have to smile sweetly and say...And I guess you have nothing I want that's why you're not my sponsor.
Why is it that we have to compete with who has the best or the longest or the worst sobriety? You came in exactly when you needed to to hear the message that AA has to offer...you are doing great and I am so glad you are here. The steps were not a chore that I had to complete before I could be happy...getting sober would have been more than I ever expected out of myself...the steps became a guideline on how to live my life sober.
Love, cheri
GammyRose said
Nov 7, 2005
Duane, Being an open book is great when you do your fourth and fifth steps, honesty and truth will set you free. Those people who say negative things are just sharing their experience with you, perhaps their 4th's and 5th's were not easy for them.
You are doing what You are suppose to be doing for yourself , no one else. When all is said and done you can tell them it wasn't hard or it was, just tell the thruth.
i had a hard time forgive me for all the self abuse i did to me.......insults...beating me with my fists...hairpulling....screaming obsenities at me.....AND to God......
i figure if my God can forgive me, and *know my real heart* than i can....and yeah, i know some well meaning folks, can put their foot in their mouth up to their thighs.......if we were healthy, we wouldn't be here.............rosie
You know, you don't have to take another drink if you don't want. Ever. If I can quote Tony LaRue -- "Glad to be here. Glad to be here sober. Just to be sober."
My friend "Spiritual John" says that when he got here, he didn't care if he had to be miserable for the rest of his life as long as he didn't have to take another drink. Whatever emotional problems you are having, they are separate issues from drinking. You don't need to use it as an excuse to go and drink. Getting drunk will only make it better until you have a hangover the next morning. Maybe a blackout. Maybe you end up in bed with someone you don't know. Then you find out the person has AIDS. Maybe you end up in jail. Maybe you can never stop drinking again until you end up in a hospital or dead. If you are an alcoholic, drinking will always make it worse. Maybe not now, but somewhere down the line. The alcoholic mind, which I like to refer to as Pavlov's Dog Brain, cannot make you drink. It has no ability to make you mover your pinky. If you haven't eaten in a while, it will make you hungry and will give you the throught that a McDonalds' hamburger will be good right about now. When you have not had a drink in a while, it has is the ability plays with your thoughts and emotoins and gives you excuses to drink. Pavlov's Dog Brain will use your life problems as an excuse to get you to drink. But, they are separate issues.
When I first came to AA, people told me to take what I need and leave the rest behind. It's good advice. If you are not ready or willing to do a fourth step, don't do it. Most (but not all) of the people I've talked to in AA get a great feeling of relief from the 4th, 5th and 6th steps, and find it helps remove the ability of Pavlov's Dog Brain to get you to drink. When some people share their deepest, darkest secrets, they have a cathartic release. I wouldn't know. Here I am, sober for 6-1/2 years in AA without having "worked" one step. I do some of the stuff in the "steps" because I have to live in the world. I get a speeding ticket, I pay the ticket, and I don't go to jail. When I am wrong, I try to admit it, apologize and try to change my behavior in the future so I don't repeat the mistake. I have refused to do a 2nd step or a 3rd step, because they do not fit in with my belief system. I did a great 1st step and took it back because I realized I had power over the first drink, but that once I took the first drink, I gave up control over the second and third and twentieth drinks. Whenever I read the big book, I wanted to get drunk. (I would say to myself, "Who the f*&^ is this arrogant mo-fo (Bill W.) challenging me on for my lack of belief in a diety of the universe?!? Who is he to say there is a god?!?") So, I stopped reading it. However, when someone asks me for advice and the book has a practical solution, I'll point them right to it.
AA is like a three legged stool. It relies on medicine, religion and the (sometimes) caring AA fellowship. Without any leg, it doesn't stand very well. If the religion and fellowship can't help you, go talk to a psychologist. The program says to give it to god. I say, give it time and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Drinking only makes it better for a little while. It is not the solution. It is a lie. Just don't drink and it gets better.
-- Edited by Aargonaut at 20:35, 2005-11-07
Great attitude Duane! I too had oldtimers tell me Step 4 would make me drink! Nope! I was happy to do it. When it was fianlly done, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted. You keep doing what you're doing. Work what's works for you. And just remember there's no hurry on the Steps. Sobriety is a journey, not a destination - one I had a hard time getting used to in the beginning. Another thing that helps me, I remind myself frequently that "some are sicker than others".
Proud of you man!
Doll
-- Edited by Doll at 16:58, 2005-11-07
For those who would say something like that to a newcomer...I guess I would have to smile sweetly and say...And I guess you have nothing I want that's why you're not my sponsor.
Why is it that we have to compete with who has the best or the longest or the worst sobriety? You came in exactly when you needed to to hear the message that AA has to offer...you are doing great and I am so glad you are here. The steps were not a chore that I had to complete before I could be happy...getting sober would have been more than I ever expected out of myself...the steps became a guideline on how to live my life sober.
Love, cheri
Duane, Being an open book is great when you do your fourth and fifth steps, honesty and truth will set you free. Those people who say negative things are just sharing their experience with you, perhaps their 4th's and 5th's were not easy for them.
You are doing what You are suppose to be doing for yourself , no one else. When all is said and done you can tell them it wasn't hard or it was, just tell the thruth.
Have a great sober evening.
(((Hugs)))
GammyRose