A relationship is built on trust. If you cannot trust your partner, or your partner cannot trust you, then there is no foundation for the relationship. If a partner is capable of lying about small things, there is only his or her judgement to draw the line between those and larger situations.
Sometimes it seems easier just to lie, to get past a small sticking point. If instead you tell the truth and work through the consequences, you will find your stability is strengthened going forward.
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You always want to be honest with your partner, but do so in a way which helps the relationship, not harms it. To tell your partner that "You might want to wear a darker shirt, it compliments your figure" works better than saying "that white shirt makes you look like a whale" ...
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It is probably one of the hardest skills to master, but it is also one of the most important. Try to listen to what your partner is saying without jumping in and criticizing him or her. Just listen, and accept, and try to understand your partnerīs point of view. When your partner is done, try to say back to him or her, "You are saying ZZZZZZ, yes?" without being critical or cynical.
Youīll find that just making that effort to understand and acknowledge your partner will make a huge impact on your ability to talk to each other.
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For a relationship to have a solid foundation to build on you need:
Caring about each other
Respect for each others needs
Communication between each other
Truth with each other on all things big and small
Commitment to each other and the relationship you have!
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Some people do not have the skills to deal with arguments, so instead they shut down - storming out, or refusing to listen to discussion any more. To deal with this, discuss the situation when things are more calm. Agree that arguments that are īforced to endī without any resolution will just continue to fester.
During an argument, try to watch for warning signs that someone is reaching that shut-down point, and agree to take a time out to cool off. You can then try again when both partners are more able to discuss it reasonably
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Itīs difficult sometimes, to admit that you did something wrong. Often itīs easier to defend it, and think up reasons why you did what you did. Is your pride worth the hurt you cause your partner? Just say you did it, apologize, and move on. Your partner should have more respect for you for doing that than for defending an incorrect decision.
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Think about how it makes you feel when people press that trigger. Now think about ways of handling it - either accepting that part of you, or accepting that they are simply upset. You can even simply say to the person, calmly, that you will now take a time out and that the discussion can continue later on. All are much better options than reacting to the trigger!
rosie light shines said
Nov 2, 2005
AMEN phil!!!! i had this "adoptive" family i met over the net....thier actions NEVER matched their words.......i told them what this was doing to my trusting them, and i got MORE lies!!! end result????? i left the "family" i very calmly told them that if i cannot trust a person's word, i am "outta here" it just was not healthy for my recovery.....thanks, my friend, for this great stuff........hugs/ rosie
Cabbageheadchris said
Nov 2, 2005
Hi all,
Phil, that post is so true. I'm going to print it out to remind myself on the few occations that I have an arguement.
Hope everyone is well.
Best wishes
Chris.
Phil said
Nov 2, 2005
Good to see you Chris. Hows the new job going?
As for relationships? I cant even comment on that one.
We do our best, and give of ourselves. Thats all I know.
Cabbageheadchris said
Nov 3, 2005
Hi Phil. The new job is going really well thanks. It's a lot better than working in a factory!
A relationship is built on trust. If you cannot trust your partner, or your partner cannot trust you, then there is no foundation for the relationship. If a partner is capable of lying about small things, there is only his or her judgement to draw the line between those and larger situations.
Sometimes it seems easier just to lie, to get past a small sticking point. If instead you tell the truth and work through the consequences, you will find your stability is strengthened going forward.
-----------------
You always want to be honest with your partner, but do so in a way which helps the relationship, not harms it. To tell your partner that "You might want to wear a darker shirt, it compliments your figure" works better than saying "that white shirt makes you look like a whale" ...
-----------------
It is probably one of the hardest skills to master, but it is also one of the most important. Try to listen to what your partner is saying without jumping in and criticizing him or her. Just listen, and accept, and try to understand your partnerīs point of view. When your partner is done, try to say back to him or her, "You are saying ZZZZZZ, yes?" without being critical or cynical.
Youīll find that just making that effort to understand and acknowledge your partner will make a huge impact on your ability to talk to each other.
------------------
For a relationship to have a solid foundation to build on you need:
Caring about each other
Respect for each others needs
Communication between each other
Truth with each other on all things big and small
Commitment to each other and the relationship you have!
--------------------
Some people do not have the skills to deal with arguments, so instead they shut down - storming out, or refusing to listen to discussion any more. To deal with this, discuss the situation when things are more calm. Agree that arguments that are īforced to endī without any resolution will just continue to fester.
During an argument, try to watch for warning signs that someone is reaching that shut-down point, and agree to take a time out to cool off. You can then try again when both partners are more able to discuss it reasonably
------------------
Itīs difficult sometimes, to admit that you did something wrong. Often itīs easier to defend it, and think up reasons why you did what you did. Is your pride worth the hurt you cause your partner? Just say you did it, apologize, and move on. Your partner should have more respect for you for doing that than for defending an incorrect decision.
------------------
Think about how it makes you feel when people press that trigger. Now think about ways of handling it - either accepting that part of you, or accepting that they are simply upset. You can even simply say to the person, calmly, that you will now take a time out and that the discussion can continue later on. All are much better options than reacting to the trigger!
Hi all,
Phil, that post is so true. I'm going to print it out to remind myself on the few occations that I have an arguement.
Hope everyone is well.
Best wishes
Chris.
Good to see you Chris. Hows the new job going?
As for relationships? I cant even comment on that one.
We do our best, and give of ourselves. Thats all I know.
Hi Phil. The new job is going really well thanks. It's a lot better than working in a factory!
Got to go, 3 cremations today.
Hope everyone is well
Chris.