Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.
Why, then, would someone be afraid of intimacy?
It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.
Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection - of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.
Because we have all learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors - from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal, and resistance - every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other's fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in every relationship. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether.
Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge. So what moves us beyond the fear of intimacy?
The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because a person doesn't know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.
When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others' love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that we will like rejection - it means we will no longer be afraid of it and have a need to avoid it.
When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another's demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear.
carey said
Oct 24, 2005
gotcha
Phil said
Oct 24, 2005
LOL-YUP
John said
Oct 24, 2005
Thank you Phil!
You have no idea how much I needed to read this tonight. Sixteen years clean and sober, engaged to be married...
And struggling with intimacy big time.
I guess we never stop learning how to do the "adult swim" in recovery.
The Big Book says alcoholism is but a symtom of this disease. A runny nose is a symtom of the flu... if all we do is wipe our nose, it doesn't address all the other symtoms. Not drinking is where we all have to start this process healing and recovery, but if we stop there we are cheating ourselves out of so much serenity, peace and freedom.
Thanks for reminding me that its important to wipe my nose, and get back on track with the other work involved in learning, growing up and healing.
John
rosie light shines said
Oct 24, 2005
hey phil....beautiful post.....
i always thought of intimacy as "IN TO ME SEE"....and i was always afraid of anyone *getting into me* i still am, but its not as bad......i dont' know which issue makes me want to work the steps the most!!! ....the rejection or engulment.....that is an AWSOME share.......
Phil said
Oct 24, 2005
HEY JOHN. GOOD TO SEE YOU. ENGAGED? HEY --HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR YU BUDDY-ONE DAY AT A TIME--BALANCE.:)
BALANCE WITH AN ALKY? THATS SOMETHING LIKE HAVING ONLY ONE SIDE, ON A TEETER TOTTER-LOL
HAVE A GOOD ONE.
----------------
AND YUP, ROSIE. aLWAYS HAD THE WALLS UP-MISTRUST-WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME-ALL OF IT.
TODAY, I CAN PUT MYSELF OUT THERE,... I GET KNOCKED AROUND A LOT--BUT AM STILL TRYIN--GUESS THATS ALL THAT MATTERS.--AND ONE CAN UNDERSTAND WHERE OTHERS ARE AT, WITH IT ALL TOO.
INTENSE STUFF BETWEEN LOVE AND FEAR. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
sanddie said
Oct 25, 2005
Phil:
Your posts are always awesome! Thank you for sharing. The issue I'm trying to work with is trying to understand how a person breaks most of the same emotions that someone who drank faced and continues to face, yet I do not drink. :( Counseling for so many years for myself and children has been a blessing. However, I could always relapse emotionally at anyday, any time-- losing hope or a positive attitude in the direction my life is going. Yes i also post on Alanon, but have seen so much similarity in the same type of emotions I have experienced to those of the alcoholic. :( We're all in this together really! :)
Thanks again for sharing-- I needed to read that.
Phil said
Oct 25, 2005
Hi Sandie. Keep an open mind. These are my thoughts only.
I beleive that one does not hafta drink to have all the extreem characteristics, and isms, of an alcoholic.
And being a farm boy--the best way I can put this is:
If one hangs around a herd of cows long enough--they are going to start to "MOO"
I have been married to girls that never drank--By the time the marriage was over--they took on, all those alcoholic characteristics, that I had. They never had them before the marriage.
Then, theres another side to it all.
A lot of people in the programs, beleive in the gene pool thing.
I have kids that have all of it, also. Ones in AA--the other 2 are practicing, but I really think that the 2 that are practicing--know what booze can do--so its an awareness thing.
Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.
Why, then, would someone be afraid of intimacy?
It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.
Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection - of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.
Because we have all learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors - from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal, and resistance - every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other's fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in every relationship. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether.
Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge. So what moves us beyond the fear of intimacy?
The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because a person doesn't know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.
When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others' love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that we will like rejection - it means we will no longer be afraid of it and have a need to avoid it.
When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another's demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear.
Thank you Phil!
You have no idea how much I needed to read this tonight. Sixteen years clean and sober, engaged to be married...
And struggling with intimacy big time.
I guess we never stop learning how to do the "adult swim" in recovery.
The Big Book says alcoholism is but a symtom of this disease. A runny nose is a symtom of the flu... if all we do is wipe our nose, it doesn't address all the other symtoms. Not drinking is where we all have to start this process healing and recovery, but if we stop there we are cheating ourselves out of so much serenity, peace and freedom.
Thanks for reminding me that its important to wipe my nose, and get back on track with the other work involved in learning, growing up and healing.
John
hey phil....beautiful post.....
i always thought of intimacy as "IN TO ME SEE"....and i was always afraid of anyone *getting into me* i still am, but its not as bad......i dont' know which issue makes me want to work the steps the most!!! ....the rejection or engulment.....that is an AWSOME share.......
HEY JOHN. GOOD TO SEE YOU. ENGAGED? HEY --HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR YU BUDDY-ONE DAY AT A TIME--BALANCE.:)
BALANCE WITH AN ALKY? THATS SOMETHING LIKE HAVING ONLY ONE SIDE, ON A TEETER TOTTER-LOL
HAVE A GOOD ONE.
----------------
AND YUP, ROSIE. aLWAYS HAD THE WALLS UP-MISTRUST-WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME-ALL OF IT.
TODAY, I CAN PUT MYSELF OUT THERE,... I GET KNOCKED AROUND A LOT--BUT AM STILL TRYIN--GUESS THATS ALL THAT MATTERS.--AND ONE CAN UNDERSTAND WHERE OTHERS ARE AT, WITH IT ALL TOO.
INTENSE STUFF BETWEEN LOVE AND FEAR. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
Phil:
Your posts are always awesome! Thank you for sharing. The issue I'm trying to work with is trying to understand how a person breaks most of the same emotions that someone who drank faced and continues to face, yet I do not drink. :( Counseling for so many years for myself and children has been a blessing. However, I could always relapse emotionally at anyday, any time-- losing hope or a positive attitude in the direction my life is going. Yes i also post on Alanon, but have seen so much similarity in the same type of emotions I have experienced to those of the alcoholic. :( We're all in this together really! :)
Thanks again for sharing-- I needed to read that.
Hi Sandie. Keep an open mind. These are my thoughts only.
I beleive that one does not hafta drink to have all the extreem characteristics, and isms, of an alcoholic.
And being a farm boy--the best way I can put this is:
If one hangs around a herd of cows long enough--they are going to start to "MOO"
I have been married to girls that never drank--By the time the marriage was over--they took on, all those alcoholic characteristics, that I had. They never had them before the marriage.
Then, theres another side to it all.
A lot of people in the programs, beleive in the gene pool thing.
I have kids that have all of it, also. Ones in AA--the other 2 are practicing, but I really think that the 2 that are practicing--know what booze can do--so its an awareness thing.
You have a good day.