Many of us have trust issues.Some of us tried long and hard to trust untrustworthy people. Over and again, we believed lies and promises never to be kept. Some of us tried to trust people for the impossible; for instance, trusting a practicing alcoholic not to drink again.Some of us trusted our Higher Power inappropriately. We trusted God to make other people do what we wanted, then felt betrayed when that didn't work out.Some of us were taught that life couldn't be trusted, that we had to control and manipulate our way through.Most of us were taught, inappropriately, that we couldn't trust ourselves.
######ROSIE.... for me i learned at an early age....do NOT trust anyone.....any authority figures, not even God.....my house made "nightmare on elm street" look like "leave it to beaver".....explosive violence/ incest/ rage/ beatings/ drinking/ out of control anger/ controlling behaviour....all things negative for the developement of a child...i learned early on that i was "on my OWN" that there was NOTHING in the universe that was going to help me......i got lied to / stroked over so many times, that i thought it was *normal* to be untrustworthy !!!! how many broken promises??? can't count that high....but i WANTED to trust/ i WANTED to beleive, i jsut kept getting confirmed over and over again that to "forget it" nothing is safe.....noONE is safe......yeah, i trusted God to get my abuser off me...can't figure out to this day why God allows child offenders to even live, but i guess i will know when i die....my theory??? we are in *satan's parlor* and we are here under *choice and freewill* and you mix the two together (devil and choice) and you get what happens in the world today ....i also thought LIFE was not to be trusted...to me this was the most unsafe / miserable place to be in....it was a mine field...a study in survival!!!! to try and avoid the childhood helplessness/ hoplessness i felt, i became a control freak.....i had to control/ manipulate my life to "feel safe" if i wasn't in control??? i thought i would fall off a big cliff into this big , dark abyss........finally the *coup de gras* i stopped being able to trust ME!!!! i was a sick/ emotionally/mentally disabled young person who got older and who was STILL sick/disabled mentally and emotionally and i was at the controls!!! rounds and rounds of misery / disasters followed me....suicide was the next step....i tried and failed at suicide ...i figured that the big "S" was the only way i would feel safe!!!! to me, it was the only way to get relief.......
In recovery, we're healing from our trust issues. We're learning to trust again. The first lesson in trust is this: We can learn to trust ourselves. We can be trusted. If others have taught us we cannot trust ourselves, they were lying. Addictions and dysfunctional systems make people lie.We can learn to appropriately trust our Higher Power - not to make people do what we wanted them to, but to help us take care of ourselves, and to bring about the best possible circumstances, at the best possible times, in our life.We can trust the process - of life and recovery. We do not have to control, obsess, or become hypervigilant. We may not always understand where we are going, or what's being worked out in us, but we can trust that something good is happening.When we learn to do this, we are ready to learn to trust other people. When we trust our Higher Power and when we trust ourselves, we will know who to trust and what to trust that person for.Perhaps we always did. We just didn't listen closely enough to ourselves or trust what we heard.Today, I will affirm that I can learn to trust appropriately. I can trust my Higher Power, my recovery, and myself. I can learn to appropriately trust others too.
######ROSIE....when i first got into recovery, on of the first things i discovered was that i was not alone....many others felt like me.....i felt like i had "come home" ....learning to trust again, was and still is an issue for me....so i do it in *baby steps*....start with the little things, and if God handles that ok??? well lets do another....but honestly for me??? i was *forced* to trust....i would be faced with something i HAD to turn over because i was powerless...so i had no choice BUT to *release it, detach, walk away, give to universe* and sure enough the results were so much better than fighting it......little by little i am learning to trust me/ to trust God/ to trust life....to trust SAFE others.....i know that not all people are safe!!! so i use the *ladder test* first rung, i may talk about weather/ sports, etc...if they feel safe?? i go up to rung two!!! and so on, with the *carved in stone* understanding with my inner child that we can "slide down the ladder" ANY time that person feels unsafe!!!!! as i and my IC learn to trust me/ i am becomming more discerning.....when i am powerless?? i turn it over/ release it/ walk away....take care of ME!!! because i become more ACtive than REactive in my life, i make better choices....its a *build up* *putting good things in my 'trust bank' *.......now i have hope...now i realize that as i shed my dysfunction, i am more discerning, thus more trustworthy, thus i make better choices equals better self esteem ....i look at another and i observe.......my checklist (short version) is * do their actions match their words??* *are they there for me most of the time??* *do they make me feel good about being me???* *are they responsible to themselves- others??*......and most of all, i listen to my *christ within* and if i feel peace?? ok....if i feel that creepy feeling??? back off...... it HAS to begin with me/ my God first!!!! as i learn to trust us, i can , with caution- time, trust others....thank you DONE
Phil said
Oct 23, 2005
This trusting stuff can be a pretty big issue for some, especially when there has been devastation, and betrayal, in the past. I have seen some, and been involved personally with some--that will never trust again. Its pretty sad, especially when love and trust, go hand in hand.
Better to stay safe, and not trust anyone-and be alone-or give fully to anyone?
Just my opinion--but it can be a pretty lonely existance. "Hiding behing the walls, of uncertainty, and in that safe place--instead of taking a risk for what could be.
And yes-trust within ourselves takes time-being vulnerable and trusting others takes time.
Been there.
And what happened yesterday, can dictate to us --how we deal with that in todays, and tomorrows.
I hid behing walls for a long time in that lonely, safe mode.
With sobriety and inventorys etc. Im learning, who I can fully trust, and cant trust. I know I can fully trust myself today--without the illusion and fantisy stuff. Thats a biggy in itself.
And I also beleive that patience has a lot to do with it also.
Trusting isnt just something that is like a light switch. It all takes time. Especially when the past, has been, nothing but bruises. And I guess the more bruises there were--the longer it takes to fully trust in ourselves, and others, in todays.
We can trust in our Higher Power. Thats the main thing. We can also trust in the guidance that he gives us, one day at a time also.
We build a foundation, with ourselves, and in turn can build a foundation with others--one day at a time.
Its ok to be alone with oneself--but its also a great gift, to be able to share our lives fully with others.
Just my thoughts over first coffee, of the day.
--not giving up yet.:) Better to risk and fail, than to not risk at all. Onward ho!!
rosie light shines said
Oct 23, 2005
thank you SOOO much , phil, for that wonderful share!!!! i totally can relate!!!! i loved the part where "love/ trust is not a light switch" yep, for me, with all the betrayal i went though it definitely will take time, but if someone is genuine, safe, i will see it , but yeah, TIME........thanks/ hugs/ rosie
Learning to Trust Again
Many of us have trust issues.Some of us tried long and hard to trust untrustworthy people. Over and again, we believed lies and promises never to be kept. Some of us tried to trust people for the impossible; for instance, trusting a practicing alcoholic not to drink again.Some of us trusted our Higher Power inappropriately. We trusted God to make other people do what we wanted, then felt betrayed when that didn't work out.Some of us were taught that life couldn't be trusted, that we had to control and manipulate our way through.Most of us were taught, inappropriately, that we couldn't trust ourselves.
######ROSIE.... for me i learned at an early age....do NOT trust anyone.....any authority figures, not even God.....my house made "nightmare on elm street" look like "leave it to beaver".....explosive violence/ incest/ rage/ beatings/ drinking/ out of control anger/ controlling behaviour....all things negative for the developement of a child...i learned early on that i was "on my OWN" that there was NOTHING in the universe that was going to help me......i got lied to / stroked over so many times, that i thought it was *normal* to be untrustworthy !!!! how many broken promises??? can't count that high....but i WANTED to trust/ i WANTED to beleive, i jsut kept getting confirmed over and over again that to "forget it" nothing is safe.....noONE is safe......yeah, i trusted God to get my abuser off me...can't figure out to this day why God allows child offenders to even live, but i guess i will know when i die....my theory??? we are in *satan's parlor* and we are here under *choice and freewill* and you mix the two together (devil and choice) and you get what happens in the world today ....i also thought LIFE was not to be trusted...to me this was the most unsafe / miserable place to be in....it was a mine field...a study in survival!!!! to try and avoid the childhood helplessness/ hoplessness i felt, i became a control freak.....i had to control/ manipulate my life to "feel safe" if i wasn't in control??? i thought i would fall off a big cliff into this big , dark abyss........finally the *coup de gras* i stopped being able to trust ME!!!! i was a sick/ emotionally/mentally disabled young person who got older and who was STILL sick/disabled mentally and emotionally and i was at the controls!!! rounds and rounds of misery / disasters followed me....suicide was the next step....i tried and failed at suicide ...i figured that the big "S" was the only way i would feel safe!!!! to me, it was the only way to get relief.......
In recovery, we're healing from our trust issues. We're learning to trust again. The first lesson in trust is this: We can learn to trust ourselves. We can be trusted. If others have taught us we cannot trust ourselves, they were lying. Addictions and dysfunctional systems make people lie.We can learn to appropriately trust our Higher Power - not to make people do what we wanted them to, but to help us take care of ourselves, and to bring about the best possible circumstances, at the best possible times, in our life.We can trust the process - of life and recovery. We do not have to control, obsess, or become hypervigilant. We may not always understand where we are going, or what's being worked out in us, but we can trust that something good is happening.When we learn to do this, we are ready to learn to trust other people. When we trust our Higher Power and when we trust ourselves, we will know who to trust and what to trust that person for.Perhaps we always did. We just didn't listen closely enough to ourselves or trust what we heard.Today, I will affirm that I can learn to trust appropriately. I can trust my Higher Power, my recovery, and myself. I can learn to appropriately trust others too.
######ROSIE....when i first got into recovery, on of the first things i discovered was that i was not alone....many others felt like me.....i felt like i had "come home" ....learning to trust again, was and still is an issue for me....so i do it in *baby steps*....start with the little things, and if God handles that ok??? well lets do another....but honestly for me??? i was *forced* to trust....i would be faced with something i HAD to turn over because i was powerless...so i had no choice BUT to *release it, detach, walk away, give to universe* and sure enough the results were so much better than fighting it......little by little i am learning to trust me/ to trust God/ to trust life....to trust SAFE others.....i know that not all people are safe!!! so i use the *ladder test* first rung, i may talk about weather/ sports, etc...if they feel safe?? i go up to rung two!!! and so on, with the *carved in stone* understanding with my inner child that we can "slide down the ladder" ANY time that person feels unsafe!!!!! as i and my IC learn to trust me/ i am becomming more discerning.....when i am powerless?? i turn it over/ release it/ walk away....take care of ME!!! because i become more ACtive than REactive in my life, i make better choices....its a *build up* *putting good things in my 'trust bank' *.......now i have hope...now i realize that as i shed my dysfunction, i am more discerning, thus more trustworthy, thus i make better choices equals better self esteem ....i look at another and i observe.......my checklist (short version) is * do their actions match their words??* *are they there for me most of the time??* *do they make me feel good about being me???* *are they responsible to themselves- others??*......and most of all, i listen to my *christ within* and if i feel peace?? ok....if i feel that creepy feeling??? back off...... it HAS to begin with me/ my God first!!!! as i learn to trust us, i can , with caution- time, trust others....thank you DONE
This trusting stuff can be a pretty big issue for some, especially when there has been devastation, and betrayal, in the past. I have seen some, and been involved personally with some--that will never trust again. Its pretty sad, especially when love and trust, go hand in hand.
Better to stay safe, and not trust anyone-and be alone-or give fully to anyone?
Just my opinion--but it can be a pretty lonely existance. "Hiding behing the walls, of uncertainty, and in that safe place--instead of taking a risk for what could be.
And yes-trust within ourselves takes time-being vulnerable and trusting others takes time.
Been there.
And what happened yesterday, can dictate to us --how we deal with that in todays, and tomorrows.
I hid behing walls for a long time in that lonely, safe mode.
With sobriety and inventorys etc. Im learning, who I can fully trust, and cant trust. I know I can fully trust myself today--without the illusion and fantisy stuff. Thats a biggy in itself.
And I also beleive that patience has a lot to do with it also.
Trusting isnt just something that is like a light switch. It all takes time. Especially when the past, has been, nothing but bruises. And I guess the more bruises there were--the longer it takes to fully trust in ourselves, and others, in todays.
We can trust in our Higher Power. Thats the main thing. We can also trust in the guidance that he gives us, one day at a time also.
We build a foundation, with ourselves, and in turn can build a foundation with others--one day at a time.
Its ok to be alone with oneself--but its also a great gift, to be able to share our lives fully with others.
Just my thoughts over first coffee, of the day.
--not giving up yet.:) Better to risk and fail, than to not risk at all. Onward ho!!