boy i need this daily.......last night was *nightmare on elm street*
Detaching with Love
Sometimes people we love do things we don't like or approve of. We react. They react. Before long, we're all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.When do we detach? When we're hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play - an attempt to control or force others to do something they don't want to do. When the way we're reacting isn't helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we're reacting is hurting us.
###### ROSIE...i have TWO loved ones....(niece/ brother) ...both narcotics addicts , and one combines it with alcohol.....last night i had a nightmare on my hands with one of them....(the other is still on her drug 'sabatical' and i don't know if she is alive or not)....the other, was going to kill himself last night....threatening suicide, and he was *on something* that was really making him weird...i felt like i was talking to someone i didn't even know..........i had to really apply the program tools (which he is familiar with and does NOT work) to keep ME calm, so i could *deal with him* w/o reacting in panic/ anger/ frustration, etc.....it was a long night last night for me..........her disappearing on yet another *drug holiday* where she is snorting her crystal meth and going on sabatical for 7-10 days......him, using each day!!! just keeping *below the radar*, when he is GOOD.....last night he he was *over the radar* and crazy!!!!!! i had to *physically restrain* myself to NOT react with anger/ panic/ controlling, i listened to him with loving detachement....got him *through his crisis* and finally he was calm enough to agree to a meeting today........
Often, it's time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible, thing to do.The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don't help. The next step is getting peaceful - getting centered and restoring our balance.Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Take a long, hot bath. Call a friend. Call on God. Breathe deeply. Find peace. From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.Today, I will surrender and trust that the answer is near.
########ROSIE...i am so grateful for this program..because i did NOT lose control over this drug crisis...i did not *react* but *acted* instead, i was cool/ calm.....and when i *got him down* i decided that i have to DETACH.....with love/ with support when he wants to *talk--communicate with me* but neverthe less DETACH......i did not CAUSE his and her drug/alcohol abuse....i cannot CONTROL them in anyway......so i know i cannot CURE them....so whats left???? going nuts, or detaching....letting go, letting God.....and working the hell out of this program........BTW i did NOT get drunk last night!!!! felt like it but said "what the hell, don't need the hangover"............thank you all....DONE
Phil said
Oct 20, 2005
Hmmmm-you mean, using a rubber hammer doesnt work??
Dern it. Ile have to try another approach.:)
Doormats. Allowed this guy, to be one, for a long time.
Today? Its a "You want to wipe your feet on me?" Take a hike!!
Its called--"If I give respect to others, I expect the same in return."
Detatching with love? Sometimes its just detatching, and saying "Stay the "H" outa my face!!"' :) and go pee on someone elses cornflakes.
Done.
rosie light shines said
Oct 20, 2005
well you know phil, he is such a loveable little jerk, most of the time i would say "get the hell out of my face....detach and JUST detach" but he is a loveable little guy, so i detach with love.....
one day they will find his body and he will be free from the abuse and torment that drove him to what he is doing today.......he has a choice....to live!! or to die!!! and i cannot let it bring me down, i WONT let it bring me down......just detach with love....keep focus on me/ my recovery.........
every day i thank JESUS that i found the program and COMMITTED to it...not just *playing it* like he does.......i give thanks to my HP for giving me the perseverence to *stick with the 12 steps* cause i am doing well!!! i am overcomming!!! ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!! thanks, phil, like my navy buddy says in the coda meets...lets "press on regardless".......see ya
Mikel said
Oct 20, 2005
Do what you gotta do, Rosie. Keep fighting the good fight.
M
wantneeda said
Oct 20, 2005
(((((Rosie)))))
a little insight to what i caused my family on thanksgiving weekend......
i pray they forgive me
GammyRose said
Oct 20, 2005
Thanks for the share Rosie. I am so grateful for the years I spent in Al-anon, because that is where I learned to act and not react.Detachment was such a strange concept to me, I must fix this, them, it....
Last night I went to the post-office , there was a letter fron my alcoholic husband , who is in jail. I read the letter and wanted to come home and write him a very nasty, hateful letter... But instead I put the letter in the desk drawer, this morning I was able to sit down and calmly respond to his words. Say what I meant and not say it mean, not accuse and give him what I thought he deserved to hear.I had several hours to pray for God to help me, and to give me the attitude He wanted me to have towards this sick alcoholic man, and He did just what I ask.
The answer is always near but we must look for it. I'm praying for you're loved ones. And we can say job well done,we stayed sober, good for us.
(((Hugs)))
GammyRose
Doll said
Oct 20, 2005
Must be something "in the air". I found myself today having to detach from an old friend who was also my drinking buddy. I can only carry the message, not the alcoholic.
boy i need this daily.......last night was *nightmare on elm street*
Hmmmm-you mean, using a rubber hammer doesnt work??
Dern it. Ile have to try another approach.:)
Doormats. Allowed this guy, to be one, for a long time.
Today? Its a "You want to wipe your feet on me?" Take a hike!!
Its called--"If I give respect to others, I expect the same in return."
Detatching with love? Sometimes its just detatching, and saying "Stay the "H" outa my face!!"' :) and go pee on someone elses cornflakes.
Done.
well you know phil, he is such a loveable little jerk, most of the time i would say "get the hell out of my face....detach and JUST detach" but he is a loveable little guy, so i detach with love.....
one day they will find his body and he will be free from the abuse and torment that drove him to what he is doing today.......he has a choice....to live!! or to die!!! and i cannot let it bring me down, i WONT let it bring me down......just detach with love....keep focus on me/ my recovery.........
every day i thank JESUS that i found the program and COMMITTED to it...not just *playing it* like he does.......i give thanks to my HP for giving me the perseverence to *stick with the 12 steps* cause i am doing well!!! i am overcomming!!! ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!! thanks, phil, like my navy buddy says in the coda meets...lets "press on regardless".......see ya
Do what you gotta do, Rosie. Keep fighting the good fight.
M
(((((Rosie)))))
a little insight to what i caused my family on thanksgiving weekend......
i pray they forgive me
Thanks for the share Rosie. I am so grateful for the years I spent in Al-anon, because that is where I learned to act and not react.Detachment was such a strange concept to me, I must fix this, them, it....
Last night I went to the post-office , there was a letter fron my alcoholic husband , who is in jail. I read the letter and wanted to come home and write him a very nasty, hateful letter... But instead I put the letter in the desk drawer, this morning I was able to sit down and calmly respond to his words. Say what I meant and not say it mean, not accuse and give him what I thought he deserved to hear.I had several hours to pray for God to help me, and to give me the attitude He wanted me to have towards this sick alcoholic man, and He did just what I ask.
The answer is always near but we must look for it. I'm praying for you're loved ones. And we can say job well done,we stayed sober, good for us.
(((Hugs)))
GammyRose
Must be something "in the air". I found myself today having to detach from an old friend who was also my drinking buddy. I can only carry the message, not the alcoholic.
Love and hugs Rosie
Hang in there.
Doll