What is Raging?
Rage is a shame based expression of anger.
Rage is by definition abuse. Ragers react to strong emotions with rage. (i.e. feelings of fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss convert to rage.)
Ragers were typically shamed or punished by their caretakers for expressing emotion when they were young; i.e.: "Be a man and don't cry", "Nice girls don't get angry" or "I'll give you something to cry about". Raging gives the rager a feeling of power - offsetting their shame and feelings of inadequacy.
Rage sets up a neurochemical reaction in the brain that can be addictive, producing what is known as rageaholism or ragaholics.
Screaming, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smoldering, and anger used to punish.
Healthy expression of anger involves confrontation of what makes you angry and an effort to set boundaries. (What you will do in response to what makes you angry.)
i.e: When you (a behavior), I feel (a feeling) , and to protect myself I will _________.
Healthy anger is not used to punish, is not violent, and isn't used to intimidate, control or manipulate. It is expressed, discussed, and moved through.
Healthy anger is not stuffed down and ignored. (Stuffed anger created resentment and a wealth of physical / mental and emotional problems.) Healthy anger is not expressed in passive aggressive and manipulative ways.
Unhealthy Anger is component of Alcoholism, Addictions and Abusive Relationships.
Anger management is critical to recovery from addictions and trauma, childhood sexual mental or physical abuse, and relationship recovery. Addictions are in part a coping mechanism to deal with feelings by masking them.
Alcoholics and Addicts often "use at" the source of their anger. (i.e.: I'm angry at ______ so I'll have a drink, take a drug, or act out sexually. Obviously this is a highly self destructive response to anger.
Unexpressed anger related to childhood abuses often results in addictive problems later in life. (To stuff down the feelings of shame, anger, isolation, fear, sadness and loss the abuse creates.) Very often chronic relapsers in recovery programs, or chronic addicts are survivors of childhood abuse.
The sad irony is that by pushing feelings down alcohol and drugs make it impossible to work through our feelings and move past them, keeping the survivor trapped in a downward spiral. This is part of why even moderate drug or alcohol use in non addicts severely compromises their progress in therapy. (If you are stuffing down your feelings how can you work on them?)
Regarding anger, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says:
"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."
Phil said
Oct 18, 2005
Hey Doll. In my last relationship, I allowed myself to be tied to a tree and whipped continuously. saying-"its ok-I love you--Ile be your whipping boy" "for all your mistrust and frustrations"
Shit Girl. We deserve better than weve had. You deserve better, than youve had. I have more anger with myself, for allowing it all.
Heal, my dear --heal--and you will. We live sober-we learn-we grow. We love you.
leejosepho said
Oct 18, 2005
As a greatly-diminished "rager" who is still trying to get over it completely, I would like to try to add a few missing pieces here ... as the above is obviously not the shared experience of a fellow "rager".
>> What is "Raging"?
I had never heard that term before seeing this thread yesterday morning, but to the observer as well as to the affected, I suppose "angry outbursting" would be at least a general description or "raging" (with the next question being that of what is actually "bursting out"). Personally, and both drunk and sober, I have screamed, spit and struck during some of my worst outbursts in years past, and I once even "raged" very calmly and quietly by setting fire to my own office in a factory (rather than murdering someone) as my "statement to the world", so to speak - Did you ever see "Network"? - after being "pushed to my limit" of a lifetime of belittlements, mockeries, exploitations and outright abuse. Today the physical side of my "raging" is well gone, but my "screaming leaning" still lurks nearby ... and comes out every once in a great while.
>> Rage is a shame-based expression of anger.
No, rage it is actually a frustration-based and pain-driven expression of anger, and I learned about that in Step Four. We were given instincts for a reason, we are told (in the 12 & 12), and "things can happen" when those natural instincts are "frustrated", or not met. For example:
My first "rage" (a verbal tantrum) took place when I was about 12. My younger brother and I were in disagreement about the arrangement of furniture in our shared bedroom - his plan made me feel insecure - and when my mother stepped in to decide the matter and I did not like her solution: Ba-boom! I did not know what the outcome would ultimately be, but I knew precisely what I was doing in my attempt to shock and scare both my mother and brother into relenting ... and the sure knowledge of the belt-whipping I would get if my father ever found out did not even cross my mind. As wrong as my actions were, I was simply a hurting and frustrated young boy trying to get someone to take notice and care about my plight (fear and a feeling of insignificance).
>> Rage is by definition abuse.
It certainly can be said that "ragers" are at times abusive, but no, here are the definitions of "rage" and "abuse":
---
Rage, noun (Merriam-Webster Online)
1: violent and uncontrolled anger : a fit of violent wrath : INSANITY
2: violent action (as of wind or sea)
3: an intense feeling : PASSION
4: a fad pursued with intense enthusiasm <was all the rage>
Rage, intransitive verb (raged; raging)
1: to be in a rage
2: to be in tumult
3: to prevail uncontrollably
Abuse (Merriam-Webster Online)
1: a corrupt practice or custom
2: improper or excessive use or treatment : MISUSE <drug abuse>
3: a deceitful act : DECEPTION (obsolete)
4: language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily
5: physical maltreatment
---
So then, by definition, rage is "a violent, uncontrollable and corrupt practice (or display) of abusive language and/or physical maltreatment", with abuse as an extremely objectionable symptom of rage.
>> Ragers react to strong emotions ... (i.e. feelings of fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss ...)
Actually, it is because of the inherent presence of those "strong emotions" that ragers react to situations and circumstances around them ...
See, we have to be careful about mere band-aids like "emotion control" or "anger management". Personally, I have only ever found true relief in transformation (page 143).
>> Ragers were typically shamed or punished by their caretakers for expressing emotion when they were young ...
That is a fact!
>> Raging gives the rager a feeling of power - offsetting their shame and feelings of inadequacy.
It would be more accurate to say raging feeds one’s delusion of instincts being self-satisfied.
>> Rage sets up a neurochemical reaction in the brain that can be addictive ...
I had never heard that before now either, but it my own case it is certainly true. Many times I have been consciously aware of a certain "threshold" I dare not cross lest I knowingly feed the raging demon within.
>> What Rage Looks Like: Screaming, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smoldering, and anger used to punish.
So true.
"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger ..." (Big Book, page 66).
Yes, but “free of anger” does not mean “anger-free”. To wit:
"Be ye angry ..." (Ephesians 4:26)
No problem there ...
"... and sin not."
Oops.
"Let not the sun go down upon your wrath ..."
"This thought brings us to Step Ten ... Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code" (page 84).
"Neither give place [fuel] to the evil one" (Ephesians 4:27).
"... throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache" (page 70).
Sick of being sick said
Oct 18, 2005
I have yet to figure what library you have access to, Phil, but I'm glad you have it, regardless.
I'm glad you're a friend on this board, and that you share these resources. The message was exactly what I was needing to hear today. I sincerely hope it helps Doll as much as it has helped me.
Dan
Donnamaria said
Oct 18, 2005
Thank you for this helpful info on this subject. I was a victim of childhood abuse by my alcoholic mother, physically, mentally, verbally. then I married a man with the same results. He is truely the definition of raging and unhealthy anger. I never drank because I was mad at him, because of so many years of verbal abuse I believed every negative thing thats been said to me. I would drink because I couldn't make people happy, I couldn't do anything right, cause I keep making him mad. Once I got divorced and came into AA, I started to show anger, all the feelings I held in for so long time(almost a lifes worth). I had enough people in the program to teach and show me how to work thru it. So now I can manage it by doing the oppisite, when I start to feel anger ( like after dealing with the ex) I will go and help someone, just to feel better. If it wasn't for this kind of info you have posted, I'd have no clue thank you
Hey Doll. In my last relationship, I allowed myself to be tied to a tree and whipped continuously. saying-"its ok-I love you--Ile be your whipping boy" "for all your mistrust and frustrations"
Shit Girl. We deserve better than weve had. You deserve better, than youve had. I have more anger with myself, for allowing it all.
Heal, my dear --heal--and you will. We live sober-we learn-we grow. We love you.
As a greatly-diminished "rager" who is still trying to get over it completely, I would like to try to add a few missing pieces here ... as the above is obviously not the shared experience of a fellow "rager".
>> What is "Raging"?
I had never heard that term before seeing this thread yesterday morning, but to the observer as well as to the affected, I suppose "angry outbursting" would be at least a general description or "raging" (with the next question being that of what is actually "bursting out"). Personally, and both drunk and sober, I have screamed, spit and struck during some of my worst outbursts in years past, and I once even "raged" very calmly and quietly by setting fire to my own office in a factory (rather than murdering someone) as my "statement to the world", so to speak - Did you ever see "Network"? - after being "pushed to my limit" of a lifetime of belittlements, mockeries, exploitations and outright abuse. Today the physical side of my "raging" is well gone, but my "screaming leaning" still lurks nearby ... and comes out every once in a great while.
>> Rage is a shame-based expression of anger.
No, rage it is actually a frustration-based and pain-driven expression of anger, and I learned about that in Step Four. We were given instincts for a reason, we are told (in the 12 & 12), and "things can happen" when those natural instincts are "frustrated", or not met. For example:
My first "rage" (a verbal tantrum) took place when I was about 12. My younger brother and I were in disagreement about the arrangement of furniture in our shared bedroom - his plan made me feel insecure - and when my mother stepped in to decide the matter and I did not like her solution: Ba-boom! I did not know what the outcome would ultimately be, but I knew precisely what I was doing in my attempt to shock and scare both my mother and brother into relenting ... and the sure knowledge of the belt-whipping I would get if my father ever found out did not even cross my mind. As wrong as my actions were, I was simply a hurting and frustrated young boy trying to get someone to take notice and care about my plight (fear and a feeling of insignificance).
>> Rage is by definition abuse.
It certainly can be said that "ragers" are at times abusive, but no, here are the definitions of "rage" and "abuse":
---
Rage, noun (Merriam-Webster Online)
1: violent and uncontrolled anger : a fit of violent wrath : INSANITY
2: violent action (as of wind or sea)
3: an intense feeling : PASSION
4: a fad pursued with intense enthusiasm <was all the rage>
Rage, intransitive verb (raged; raging)
1: to be in a rage
2: to be in tumult
3: to prevail uncontrollably
Abuse (Merriam-Webster Online)
1: a corrupt practice or custom
2: improper or excessive use or treatment : MISUSE <drug abuse>
3: a deceitful act : DECEPTION (obsolete)
4: language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily
5: physical maltreatment
---
So then, by definition, rage is "a violent, uncontrollable and corrupt practice (or display) of abusive language and/or physical maltreatment", with abuse as an extremely objectionable symptom of rage.
>> Ragers react to strong emotions ... (i.e. feelings of fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss ...)
Actually, it is because of the inherent presence of those "strong emotions" that ragers react to situations and circumstances around them ...
See, we have to be careful about mere band-aids like "emotion control" or "anger management". Personally, I have only ever found true relief in transformation (page 143).
>> Ragers were typically shamed or punished by their caretakers for expressing emotion when they were young ...
That is a fact!
>> Raging gives the rager a feeling of power - offsetting their shame and feelings of inadequacy.
It would be more accurate to say raging feeds one’s delusion of instincts being self-satisfied.
>> Rage sets up a neurochemical reaction in the brain that can be addictive ...
I had never heard that before now either, but it my own case it is certainly true. Many times I have been consciously aware of a certain "threshold" I dare not cross lest I knowingly feed the raging demon within.
>> What Rage Looks Like: Screaming, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smoldering, and anger used to punish.
So true.
"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger ..." (Big Book, page 66).
Yes, but “free of anger” does not mean “anger-free”. To wit:
"Be ye angry ..." (Ephesians 4:26)
No problem there ...
"... and sin not."
Oops.
"Let not the sun go down upon your wrath ..."
"This thought brings us to Step Ten ... Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code" (page 84).
"Neither give place [fuel] to the evil one" (Ephesians 4:27).
"... throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache" (page 70).
I have yet to figure what library you have access to, Phil, but I'm glad you have it, regardless.
I'm glad you're a friend on this board, and that you share these resources. The message was exactly what I was needing to hear today. I sincerely hope it helps Doll as much as it has helped me.
Dan