This letter appeared in the "Grapevine" January 1958. Bill suffered from acute chronic depressions for the first 14 years of his sobriety.


"I think that many oldsters who have put our AA "booze cure" to severe but successful tests still find they often lack emotional sobriety. Perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development of much more real maturity and balance (which is to say, humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God. Those adolescent urges that so many of us have for top approval, perfect security and perfect romance, urges quite appropriate to age seventeen, prove to be an impossible way of life when we are at age forty-seven or fifty-seven.
Since AA began, I've taken immense wallops in all these areas because of my failure to grow up, emotionally and spiritually.

My God, how painful it is to keep demanding the impossible and how very painful to discover, finally, that all along we have had the cart before the horse. Then comes the final agony of seeing how awfully wrong we have been, but still finding ourselves unable to get off the emotional merry-go-round. How to translate a right mental conviction into a right emotional result and so into easy, happy and good living? Well, that's not only the neurotic's problem, it's the problem of Life itself for all of us who have got to the point of real willingness to hew to the right principles in all our affairs.

Even then, as we hew away, peace and joy may still elude us. That's the place so many of us AA oldsters have come to and it's a hell of a spot, literally. How shall our unconscious, from which so many of our fears, compulsions and phony aspirations still stream, be brought into line with what we actually believe, know and want? How to convince our dumb, raging, and hidden "Mr. Hyde" becomes our main task.

I've recently come to believe that this can be achieved. I believe so because I began to see many benighted ones, folks like you and me, commencing to get results. Last autumn, depression, having no really rational cause at all, almost took me to the cleaners. I began to be scared that I was in for another long chronic spell. Considering the grief I've had with depression, it wasn't a bright prospect.

I kept asking myself, "Why can't the twelve steps work to release depression?" By the hour I stared at the St. Frances prayer ...." It is better to comfort than to be comforted." Here was the formula, all right, but why didn't it work? Suddenly, I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence, almost absolute dependence, on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionistic dreams and specifications, I had fought for them and when defeat came, so did my depression. There wasn't a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Frances a workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away.

Reinforced by what grace I could find in prayer, I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people and upon circumstances. Then only could I be free to love as Frances had loved. "

Hey Doll??? You talkin about me???? lol lol

Gads. It took 6500 days in this program to come to a few realizations, regarding what you just posted.--and because of physical spin offs--I still have problems with it today. Hafta fight for that balance, each and every day. I think awareness--is a big plus--then we can take action through the tools of AA to get it in check.

Because of physical shit, Every time I wake up---its a wall of fear. Takes about an hour of meditation just to find that calmness needed to start the day. If that time isnt taken.... the whole day can be emotionally off balance.----where one can depend on people places and things to rectify it.---and it can be a self will, run day--once more.

What it says about sobriety and our spiritual condition, rings true. That spiritual condition, on a daily basis, pretty well governs my emotional condition, and emotional maturity. There are still some days--one can be all over the map.

Honesty with oneself, and denial can still be a war. I used to think that the longer one was in this program, the better one got, and it would come to a point where one could slacken off, and just live on yesterdays program.

If Im really honest about it all-this kid needs at least 3 meetings a week, to keep it all on track, and its a "Work it hard thing" each and every day.

This self centered, and self will stuff, is a life time battle.

When I came into AA, 99 percent of my problem was alcohol, and one percent was living. Today its one percent alcohol, and 99 percent living. --and standing guard at the portals of my thoughts. Thank God, its a one day at a time thing, and Ile never get it right.

Then, there are those emotional hangovers from yesterday. Put it all together and youve got a real mess. depression, anxiety, fear, guilt, and on it goes.--and if a person doesnt watch it, and do something about it on a daily basis--one can go right down to the bottom of the pit.

We all know where that can lead to. Insanity, and picking up a drink--and death.

There have been many times in sobriety where, those thoughts have been there--and complete hopelessness.--and thats without booze. Not a good place to be.

I guess the only message, that I have in this reply is "It doesnt matter how long weve been in AA-some days we still hafta use every tool we can find, just to keep us together, and in some kind of balance."

Have a good day.

A Big Ps Doll. and this is something that you and I have both shared.

And yes its hard to be humble.

My biggest fault, and its a big character defect--is having expectations of others, and situations. Its wanting to control outcomes. Its wanting others to change, and conform to my wants and my will.

Others can tell me things today, that can give me expectations for tomorrow, and I can count on those expectations. But-and there is a but.--people change-circumstances change--sometimes people dont change-and circumstances dont change.--Whatever the case may be--it really doesnt matter.

When I have expectations of other people--I am disappointed.--and yes-it can cause anger, and depression.

There are people in my life today that are very close. But its not right to have expectations of them. I accept them fully, as they are. The only expectations I can have, is to just one thing.

And it all comes down to the 11th step prayer. It all comes down to respect, love, and acceptance. And letting the Higher Power take care of the rest of it.

The only expectations I can have, other than that, are of myself--and keeping it real--and not the extreem. Letting Go. Not having to wear the masks. I accept others as they are--or I dont.

They accept me, as I am--or they dont.

We accept our situations in our lives, the way they are, or we can change them.

A freind of mine has mentioned that "Im a see something that I want, Im a go after it person"

And I hafta agree,- But I know it hasta be working with the 11th step and His will.

I can see big pictures, and stand outside of those pictures and look in--to possibilities in tomorrows, and its so easy to plan outcomes.

But when it involves others in that picture--I hafta back off completely. If things are meant to be--great. If they arent--gotta stay with that acceptance stuff, and quit trying to control.

Guess Ive yapped a lot here, this morning--my freind.

If I havent helped anyone else here-Ive helped me.

Thanks for being here and have a good day.