Hi all. I hope everyone has had a great, sober day..... I worked my butt off. I'm probably the only person  I know who hates Saturdays ! I just try to be grateful to have a job,  some days it's hard.

Today was a tough one for me........   I saw John Tuesday night and  chickened out,   I'm just not ready yet to let him go.  I don't know if I ever will be. I just know that he can't give me what I want and need in a relationship and it's not healthy for me. See,  I've spent too much time in my own head today. I haven't heard from him since Wednesday night.   My alcoholic mind has been all over the map, wondering why ! I sent email from work, he read it (we have that feature) but no response ! Of course now I'm imagining all sorts of crazy shit -  He's found out something I did while drinking and hates me, he's met someone, he's trying to break it off with me, and on and on and on......... I can't turn it off. I need to hit a f2f, but I've got just enough gas to pick up my son a little later tonight. So, I suppose I'll be right here on this board for a while.

That's it. That's all I got.

Words of wisdom much appreciated.

 

Thanks for letting me share.

 

Love you all

Doll

 

Hi Doll: I have to let you know that when you indicate, "your alcoholic mind", begins to start thinking of all kinds of things that it is not specific to an "alcoholic mind". Matter of fact, it really has nothing to do with being an alcoholic, but rather the underlying cause and root to your alcoholism probably. I'm not a medical expert, nor to I drink much, as I'll have a drink or two with dinner on occasion every six months or so, but what I am is a person who has suffered much emotional and mental health abuse throughout my life. Guess what? I do the same thing-- my mind goes crazy thinking up so many scenarios that haven't even occured. As you always in recovery and never truly cured, I am too. I don't have to combat the alcohol, but I do have to combat the emotional triggers and shit (pardon me) that comes with having dealt with so much in my past. I'll never be cured, but learned knew ways to adapt to circumstances and situations. Yesterday, if you could have seen me-- I bet that most who are in their initial stages of detox could say that you'd swear I was an alcoholic with my behavior. I had a mental breakdown cause of so much going around me that is overwhelming. I guess I'm telling you this so you know that although alcohol is the focus of what you believe to be your illness, it lies much deeper in your emotions. Once you deal with those emotions (as I'm sure you know because you are here already) you can begin to heal and hopefully get rid of those thoughts. All I know is that the thoughts suck-- they truly do and are so difficult to turn around, particularly when you've lived your entire life learning a certain behavior or thinking pattern. Once we can learn to combat those thoughts, capture each thought at the moment and realize what we are thinking and forcibly reverse that to the opposite though, I think we'd well on the way to recovery. I took a psychology class once and also saw a television show that researched how the brain develops. I found it interesting that they say when a person dies, that they can actually look at the brain and determine what the person had thought mostly about. The reason is because when we continually think about one thought, it creates a rut in that part of the brain. If we think of it that way, then what is occuring is our brain creates a physical rut deeper and deeper as we continue to think the same way. In order to change that thinking behavior, then what we ultimately need to do is capture each thought at the time it occurs and turn it around. I know more just as well as everyone how difficult that is, but with practice it does become easier. I suppose you can consider it retraining your brain to think. I like to use the analogy of a car stuck in the snow..... the only way to get the car out of the rut is to force it to rock back and forth creating another path or multiple paths, widening it each time. Eventually, a new path is created and the car is free to move. :) If only we could be that car and create the new rut in our brain in a matter of minutes. Take Care!

(((Doll)))

yeah, aclcohol is but a symptom....

today i'm just trying to deal with my bigger WENDY problem.....

there are things in my lie today that i'm not ready to let go of either

and bottom line is we can keep fighting it and living in our shit, or move on...upward, onward and forward

fear of the future

of the unknown, so we stay stuck in the familiar....

we have the brains, we have the courage, the strength....and fighting to stay stuck takes way more energy than letting go

ya know, sometimes i give a reply and i don't even know that i think these things or know them until the moment arrives

guess i just had a lightbulb moment here...

just trying to live in the moment

oh and by the way...i'm having my second beer as i write this....sigh

thinking i can control it...ya but its all good in this moment...til tomorrows moments come along and i'm in yukky moments

so maybe then i shouldn't be posting

sorry

signing off now

drinkin' or not...i love you  guys and gals

hugs, big hugs...Wendy

Well Doll... if youre waiting for words of wisdom from this kid.... I honestly hafta say I dont have any.:)

All I can do is share, and say--Ive been there. I allowed myself to be driven right into the ground--lost all self esteem--all self confidence, and it was their way, or the highway.

Why did I stay?  Hope, that things would get better, after being told they would get better. Love --that I received under conditions, and their terms. Mistrust--that I tried to prove, that there neednt be any. etc. etc. etc. Every time a trigger came up from the past. BOOM!

And yes-I never wanted to let go. Because I firmly beleived that some love was better than none.--And I might never find love again. Guess its that simple.

I left that relationship, with regrets, but knew I had to. It wasnt about me any more.--and Ide had enough. What I had hoped was going to get better--never did. And I lost my complete identity trying.

Thinkin of yu Kiddo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Phil, Well, you said you didn't have any, but those were words of wisdom, my friend. Thank you......... Guess the biggest problem is if I could just figure out how to get my mind to  clue in  my heart......... thinking of you too.........

 

Wendy, you're in my thoughts.

 

Love you both

Doll

 

Hey Doll,

I think it's perfectly normal for your mind to be "wandering" after not hearing from him lately--it's not just an "alcoholic thing"

I think part of recovery is learning what is "normal" sometimes.

It's 44 days for me, yea, I need a meeting too....lol.  I get to one........when I'm ready.  Not looking for a drink yet, but if & when, I get to that point, I will definitely be looking for one!

It was a good sober day for me.  Just talked to most of my family.  Most of 'em were drunk, except my Dad who is 10 years sober.  Now, I'm expecting our nightly phone call from my honey who will, most likely will be OR on his way to a drunk as he is every nite---then, I wonder how come I'm not MORE crazy then I am----gotta be easy on me sometimes....& then sometimes, all ya can do is laugh :)

so, I just take care of me & my son........done.  That's all I can handle anyhow....lol. 

That's good enough for me. 

Take Care, Doll

Christine

 

Doll,  Just want to say you are in my prayers.

As we all know we have no control over other people, their thoughts or actions. We do have control over our own. I just got home from a much needed meeting, even after 20 years of sobriety I still need to sit across from another recovering alcoholic and look them in the eye, get honest and listen to what others are saying.

You will know what to do if you pray about it and let go and let God.

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose

Thanks, GammyRose.

You probably know all about how the "alcoholic" mind works, that obsessive complusive starts to take over and I worry about the unknown...... have all sorts of crazy thoughts but a really good  friend helped me realize earlier tonight that  John has done this before, he has moments when long hours and many days without a day off of work get the best of him and he isolates. I'm praying that's all it is......... If my worst fears do come to light, I won't die, and I won't drink..................thanks for the prayers...... you're always in mine.

 

Love you much

Doll

(((DOLL)))

I don't worry about wreckage of the past, I obsess over wreckage of the future! If I do this then this may happen and if I do that then if this happens then I have to...well, you know. I don't know if this is an alcoholic trait or if it's just plain old insanity. And I don't really care...it just drives me crazy. The solution for me has been to get out of my head...physical labor helps. I spend alot of time chopping wood, scrubbing walls, mowing lawns...anything to keep busy.

Here's a little secret my sponsor gave me...Do something nice for somebody else 3x daily without getting caught. If you get caught you start over. It's your secret between you and God. It gets you ouot of your thoughts and makes you feel good too.

Love ya, cheri

Excellent suggestion, Cheri. Thank you........

Thanks to all of you for the replies........ It's up to me, I know. I can accept the way things are and move past it (or not and be miserable), I can change the way things are  and move on (or not and be miserable). Today I will try to accept and change to the best of my ability.  After all, 'nothing changes if nothing changes.'

 

Love you all

Doll