Dealing with resentment and being able to forgive others is a quality which takes a great deal of grace and maturity. The important thing to remember is that bitterness is a poison which harms you far more than the person who has upset you. So working toward forgiveness is a positive act not only for the sake of the relationship, but for your own emotional, spiritual, and yes, even physical well-being.
Phil said
Sep 29, 2005
First, examine closely your own reactions. Whenever a person's actions hurt us, it's usually because that person has touched a sensitive nerve in our own personalities. They have stirred up a negative self inside us which we would rather leave undisturbed. Ask yourself whether you may have overreacted, whether the person has "hooked" some anxiety or hurt within yourself about which you are defensive.
As a part of this analysis, try to understand the other person's motivations. Many times you will find that you were not the target at all, but that you simply caught the backlash of someone else's negative feelings. The other person may not even realize that you felt offended. If you can understand why a person did or said something, you can more readily accept him/her and release the bad feelings which were triggered within you.
Phil said
Sep 29, 2005
The Faults of Anger
There is nothing more destructive than anger. It destroys our peace and happiness in this life, and impels us to engage in negative actions that lead to untold suffering in future lives. It blocks our spiritual progress and prevents us from accomplishing any spiritual goals we have set ourself - from merely improving our mind, up to full enlightenment. The opponent to anger is patient acceptance, and if we are seriously interested in progressing along the spiritual path there is no practice more important than this.
Anger is by nature a painful state of mind. Whenever we develop anger, our inner peace immediately disappears and even our body becomes tense and uncomfortable. We are so restless that we find it nearly impossible to fall asleep, and whatever sleep we do manage to get is fitful and unrefreshing. It is impossible to enjoy ourself when we are angry, and even the food we eat seems unpalatable. Anger transforms even a normally attractive person into an ugly red-faced demon. We grow more and more miserable, and, no matter how hard we try, we cannot control our emotions.
One of the most harmful effects of anger is that it robs us of our reason and good sense. Wishing to retaliate against those whom we think have harmed us, we expose ourself to great personal danger merely to exact petty revenge. To get our own back for perceived injustices or slights, we are prepared to jeopardize our job, our relationships, and even the well-being of our family and children. When we are angry we lose all freedom of choice, driven here and there by an uncontrollable rage. Sometimes this blind rage is even directed at our loved ones and benefactors. In a fit of anger, forgetting the immeasurable kindness we have received from our friends, family, or Spiritual Teachers, we might strike out against and even kill the ones we hold most dear. It is no wonder that an habitually angry person is soon avoided by all who know him. This unfortunate victim of his own temper is the despair of those who formerly loved him, and eventually finds himself abandoned by everyone.
Phil said
Sep 29, 2005
Anger & Relationships
Anger is particularly destructive in relationships. When we live in close contact with someone, our personalities, priorities, interests, and ways of doing things frequently clash. Since we spend so much time together, and since we know the other person's shortcomings so well, it is very easy for us to become critical and short-tempered with our partner and to blame him or her for making our life uncomfortable. Unless we make a continuous effort to deal with this anger as it arises, our relationship will suffer. A couple may genuinely love one another, but if they frequently get angry with each other the times when they are happy together will become fewer and further between. Eventually there will come a point when before they have recovered from one row the next has already begun. Like a flower choked by weeds, love cannot survive in such circumstances.
In a close relationship, opportunities to get angry arise many times a day, so to prevent the build-up of bad feelings we need to deal with anger as soon as it begins to arise in our mind. We clear away the dishes after every meal rather than waiting until the end of the month, because we do not want to live in a dirty house nor be faced with a huge, unpleasant job. In the same way, we need to make the effort to clear away the mess in our mind as soon as it appears, for if we allow it to accumulate it will become more and more difficult to deal with, and will endanger our relationship. We should remember that every opportunity to develop anger is also an opportunity to develop patience. A relationship in which there is a lot of friction and conflict of interests is also an unrivalled opportunity to erode away our self-cherishing and self-grasping, which are the real sources of all our problems. By practising the instructions on patience explained here, we can transform our relationships into opportunities for spiritual growth.
It is through our anger and hatred that we transform people into enemies. We generally assume that anger arises when we encounter a disagreeable person, but actually it is the anger already within us that transforms the person we meet into our imagined foe. Someone controlled by their anger lives within a paranoid view of the world, surrounded by enemies of his or her own creation. The false belief that everyone hates him can become so overwhelming that he might even go insane, the victim of his own delusion.
Phil said
Sep 29, 2005
Today I will practice looking at situations and learning the difference between taking action and letting go.
Many times I need to take care of things that seem difficult or overwhelming, and I have to push myself to get them done because I know they are necessary or good for me. This is called taking action. There are other times when I want things to get done a certain way or in a certain amount of time. These things may not be within my control, and I may feel frustrated that I can't change them when or how I want to. This is when it's important to learn the art of letting go, which is usually harder than taking action.
I will practice taking action when I need to and letting go of the things I have no control over.
Dealing with resentment and being able to forgive others is a quality which takes a great deal of grace and maturity. The important thing to remember is that bitterness is a poison which harms you far more than the person who has upset you. So working toward forgiveness is a positive act not only for the sake of the relationship, but for your own emotional, spiritual, and yes, even physical well-being.
First, examine closely your own reactions. Whenever a person's actions hurt us, it's usually because that person has touched a sensitive nerve in our own personalities. They have stirred up a negative self inside us which we would rather leave undisturbed. Ask yourself whether you may have overreacted, whether the person has "hooked" some anxiety or hurt within yourself about which you are defensive.
As a part of this analysis, try to understand the other person's motivations. Many times you will find that you were not the target at all, but that you simply caught the backlash of someone else's negative feelings. The other person may not even realize that you felt offended. If you can understand why a person did or said something, you can more readily accept him/her and release the bad feelings which were triggered within you.
There is nothing more destructive than anger. It destroys our peace and happiness in this life, and impels us to engage in negative actions that lead to untold suffering in future lives. It blocks our spiritual progress and prevents us from accomplishing any spiritual goals we have set ourself - from merely improving our mind, up to full enlightenment. The opponent to anger is patient acceptance, and if we are seriously interested in progressing along the spiritual path there is no practice more important than this.
Anger is by nature a painful state of mind. Whenever we develop anger, our inner peace immediately disappears and even our body becomes tense and uncomfortable. We are so restless that we find it nearly impossible to fall asleep, and whatever sleep we do manage to get is fitful and unrefreshing. It is impossible to enjoy ourself when we are angry, and even the food we eat seems unpalatable. Anger transforms even a normally attractive person into an ugly red-faced demon. We grow more and more miserable, and, no matter how hard we try, we cannot control our emotions.
One of the most harmful effects of anger is that it robs us of our reason and good sense. Wishing to retaliate against those whom we think have harmed us, we expose ourself to great personal danger merely to exact petty revenge. To get our own back for perceived injustices or slights, we are prepared to jeopardize our job, our relationships, and even the well-being of our family and children. When we are angry we lose all freedom of choice, driven here and there by an uncontrollable rage. Sometimes this blind rage is even directed at our loved ones and benefactors. In a fit of anger, forgetting the immeasurable kindness we have received from our friends, family, or Spiritual Teachers, we might strike out against and even kill the ones we hold most dear. It is no wonder that an habitually angry person is soon avoided by all who know him. This unfortunate victim of his own temper is the despair of those who formerly loved him, and eventually finds himself abandoned by everyone.
Anger is particularly destructive in relationships. When we live in close contact with someone, our personalities, priorities, interests, and ways of doing things frequently clash. Since we spend so much time together, and since we know the other person's shortcomings so well, it is very easy for us to become critical and short-tempered with our partner and to blame him or her for making our life uncomfortable. Unless we make a continuous effort to deal with this anger as it arises, our relationship will suffer. A couple may genuinely love one another, but if they frequently get angry with each other the times when they are happy together will become fewer and further between. Eventually there will come a point when before they have recovered from one row the next has already begun. Like a flower choked by weeds, love cannot survive in such circumstances.
In a close relationship, opportunities to get angry arise many times a day, so to prevent the build-up of bad feelings we need to deal with anger as soon as it begins to arise in our mind. We clear away the dishes after every meal rather than waiting until the end of the month, because we do not want to live in a dirty house nor be faced with a huge, unpleasant job. In the same way, we need to make the effort to clear away the mess in our mind as soon as it appears, for if we allow it to accumulate it will become more and more difficult to deal with, and will endanger our relationship. We should remember that every opportunity to develop anger is also an opportunity to develop patience. A relationship in which there is a lot of friction and conflict of interests is also an unrivalled opportunity to erode away our self-cherishing and self-grasping, which are the real sources of all our problems. By practising the instructions on patience explained here, we can transform our relationships into opportunities for spiritual growth.
It is through our anger and hatred that we transform people into enemies. We generally assume that anger arises when we encounter a disagreeable person, but actually it is the anger already within us that transforms the person we meet into our imagined foe. Someone controlled by their anger lives within a paranoid view of the world, surrounded by enemies of his or her own creation. The false belief that everyone hates him can become so overwhelming that he might even go insane, the victim of his own delusion.
Today I will practice looking at situations and learning the difference between taking action and letting go.
Many times I need to take care of things that seem difficult or overwhelming, and I have to push myself to get them done because I know they are necessary or good for me. This is called taking action. There are other times when I want things to get done a certain way or in a certain amount of time. These things may not be within my control, and I may feel frustrated that I can't change them when or how I want to. This is when it's important to learn the art of letting go, which is usually harder than taking action.
I will practice taking action when I need to and letting go of the things I have no control over.