Some of you guys know the story behind this, some of you don't. I feel like I'm taking someone else's inventory right now, so I am going to try and be honest without doing that, as much as possible.
My husband has been sober 15 years, me almost 5. He and I didn't reunite until I was sober for about 2 years...I wasn't ready to be there yet, so I waited. I have always tried to keep the AA programs that we work as separate as can be done when 2 people are both in recovery. And I feel that I have grown up alot in the past 2 years...I can say I have emotional sobriety at least part of the time.
This past year has been a living hell for me...as I have continued to try and grow, he grew stagnent and has become spiritually bankrupt(his words, not mine). As the year unfolded, I realized that I will never be able to be the person he wants because I'm not the person he wants. He says that he loves our life together but continues to look elsewhere for some sort of fantasy that he has concocted in his mind. The trust was destroyed awhile ago, but I continued to try and work it out with him. I want to be able to trust him, but something won't allow me to give it over. I asked God to show me the truth and was it ever shown to me.
Now I'm ready to leave...but he just got fired from his job. Combined with the rest of the year I feel like if I leave now I am tossing him to the wolves and getting out while the getting is good. He left today to try and find some balance..we're indian...he's' going on a fast...and when he gets back we are sitting down to discuss everything.
I don't know what to do anymore...I was taught to stand behind my man in support of his decisions, but it's destroying me. Sponsor says I have to think of what's mine and what's not mine.My head, my heart and my gut are all saying different thiings...the co-dependent in me says I need to stick it out but the AA in me says it's time to move on.. God has shown me the truth but why does it have to hurt so much????
I'm hurting so much and I've got 4-5 days to make some decisions for myself so I can tell him what I need to do. We don't even fight anymore...we just walk around on eggshells. Don't really even know why I'm posting except that I needed to cry and be able to put it all down and maybe answer my own questions.
I know you guys won't tell me what to do but...TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I'm lost on this one.
Love to you all,cheri
nancyjo59 said
Sep 21, 2005
Cheri,
My heart goes out to you.
I was married for 18 years the first time. The very day I married I knew it was a mistake. I was 17 yrs old. My mom said "I"m so happy...you will have someone to take good care of you, You need someone to watch over you".
My step-father on the other hand advised me to not get married and continue on with school. I had already dropped out the year before.
We never really argued a-lot, I was too busy being depressed.
The only good thing that came out of the marriage are my two sons.
I spent the last year of my marriage in bed. Thinking over and over..."do I stay, or do I go"?
I made that man so miserable, The quilt sometimes gets to me today. He loved me so much, I just could not return the feelings...they simply were not there.
The bottom line...I was afraid I could not make it on my own. Dont get me wrong...I cared about him.
Feel free to E-mail me anytime. I'll get back to ya as soon as I can.
An Irish Saying:
May A Rainbow Be Certain To Follow Each Rain
Your in my thoughts and Prayers
Nancy Jo
Phil said
Sep 21, 2005
Whew-its been a heavy day for relationships hu?
Cheri? My freind. It doesnt matter what one does. It hurts.
All I know for sure is-that we hafta come first. And we dont like to hurt others, in the process.
Sometimes, I wish there were easier softer ways, but there just arent.
And changes of any kind in this alkys life, always causes uncertainty and fear, and anxiety.Fear of the unknown-fear of where Im going-fear of unknown territory. The whole package.
I think Gammy explained it well.
"The next right step" for us
We know the answers, individually--but we can complicate the hell out of things. We second guess ourselves, all over the place. We put ourselves down for failure.
Theres anger processes-guilt processes-greif processes-letting go, processes.--Emotions run all over the place, processes. The "What If" processes. Theres depression processes. And time takes time, processes. Plus healing processes.
Its not easy-but one day at a time--and with lots of love and support from others-we get through it, with little steps forward.--and there comes a point in time where-we get through it all, and start to look forward, to the next right steps. And we do that for us.
Self esteem had a lot to do with my stuff. I was wrecked. My self worth was at an all time low.
You do what you feel is right gal. We arent perfect at it, but we do our best.
Today, I hafta look back, and just say" I was far from perfect-and I made mistakes-but I gave it my best shot, with what I had at the time. I forgive myself for my mistakes and faults, as I forgive others for theirs.
Then its a Let Go and Let God with Love. Not with blame. Not with hate. Just with compassion, and love, through God.
And we get on with our journey--with faith in God, in ourselves, and in our program.
You are loved.
CAM said
Sep 21, 2005
Cheri,
It's a tough call, one that only you can make for yourself.
My honey drinks every nite, but we live 350 miles away from each other. We talk everyday by phone & here online. When it gets to be too much, I can alway turn off the machine & go along my peaceful, merry way.
Now, living with him, now that's a whole other horse of a different color.......lol
Next time, he visits......he will bring his bottle of rum & drink himself stupid. I don't always handle it well, but I try. He has no respect for my sobriety so why do i love him?
Ain't love strange?
I know that you'll figure it out, whatever it may be.....in time.
Christine
Doll said
Sep 21, 2005
It must be the day for heartbreak and BIG decisions and change.......
Cheri, I think you know what you need to do. And I think you need to do what's in your heart - what is best for you. If he hadn't lost his job would you be considering staying?
Change is HARD even when it's for the best........ I'm about to do the hardest thing I've ever done my whole life. Even divorcing 2 husbands wasn't as hurtful as ending it with John. My heart is breaking right now. My heart is breaking for you. A loss is a loss, whether it be death, divorce or breaking up. What's needed is taking care of you, taking time to grieve and taking time to heal.
You're in my prayers and thoughts......email me, sweetie, anytime......
I love you
Doll
nancyjo59 said
Sep 22, 2005
I heard once ended a relationship is sorta like a death.
You have to go thru some of the grieving process steps. I believe there are 7 steps you go thru when you lose someone to death.
The only difference...the ex is still alive,(which in my opinion, can make it harder)
In other words its not an easy thing to end a relationship.
Praying for all on this board who are in the middle of these tough decisions.
Nancy JO
GammyRose said
Sep 22, 2005
Cheri, You are in my thoughts and prayers. As an alcoholic, I know my sobriety comes first and unhealthy relationship are not good for me.
I know you will figure out what is best, you have a solid program going for you.But it is still tough.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, To change the things I can,And the wisdom to know the difference."
(((Hugs)))
GammyRose
wantneeda said
Sep 22, 2005
(((Cheri)))
my heart goes out to you
i so know what you mean by heart and head and tummy and toes.....all going in different directions, be still Cheri, your answers will come
if you decide to leave, i guess it doesn't have to be forever. Maybe it would put things in a different perspective having some time apart.
if the getting out seems good and thats what you have to do for you, then thats what you have to do. Compromise sometimes ends up hurting ourselves in the long run.
Some of you guys know the story behind this, some of you don't. I feel like I'm taking someone else's inventory right now, so I am going to try and be honest without doing that, as much as possible.
My husband has been sober 15 years, me almost 5. He and I didn't reunite until I was sober for about 2 years...I wasn't ready to be there yet, so I waited. I have always tried to keep the AA programs that we work as separate as can be done when 2 people are both in recovery. And I feel that I have grown up alot in the past 2 years...I can say I have emotional sobriety at least part of the time.
This past year has been a living hell for me...as I have continued to try and grow, he grew stagnent and has become spiritually bankrupt(his words, not mine). As the year unfolded, I realized that I will never be able to be the person he wants because I'm not the person he wants. He says that he loves our life together but continues to look elsewhere for some sort of fantasy that he has concocted in his mind. The trust was destroyed awhile ago, but I continued to try and work it out with him. I want to be able to trust him, but something won't allow me to give it over. I asked God to show me the truth and was it ever shown to me.
Now I'm ready to leave...but he just got fired from his job. Combined with the rest of the year I feel like if I leave now I am tossing him to the wolves and getting out while the getting is good. He left today to try and find some balance..we're indian...he's' going on a fast...and when he gets back we are sitting down to discuss everything.
I don't know what to do anymore...I was taught to stand behind my man in support of his decisions, but it's destroying me. Sponsor says I have to think of what's mine and what's not mine.My head, my heart and my gut are all saying different thiings...the co-dependent in me says I need to stick it out but the AA in me says it's time to move on.. God has shown me the truth but why does it have to hurt so much????
I'm hurting so much and I've got 4-5 days to make some decisions for myself so I can tell him what I need to do. We don't even fight anymore...we just walk around on eggshells. Don't really even know why I'm posting except that I needed to cry and be able to put it all down and maybe answer my own questions.
I know you guys won't tell me what to do but...TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I'm lost on this one.
Love to you all,cheri
Cheri,
My heart goes out to you.
I was married for 18 years the first time. The very day I married I knew it was a mistake. I was 17 yrs old. My mom said "I"m so happy...you will have someone to take good care of you, You need someone to watch over you".
My step-father on the other hand advised me to not get married and continue on with school. I had already dropped out the year before.
We never really argued a-lot, I was too busy being depressed.
The only good thing that came out of the marriage are my two sons.
I spent the last year of my marriage in bed. Thinking over and over..."do I stay, or do I go"?
I made that man so miserable, The quilt sometimes gets to me today. He loved me so much, I just could not return the feelings...they simply were not there.
The bottom line...I was afraid I could not make it on my own. Dont get me wrong...I cared about him.
Feel free to E-mail me anytime. I'll get back to ya as soon as I can.
An Irish Saying:
May A Rainbow Be Certain To Follow Each Rain
Your in my thoughts and Prayers
Nancy Jo
Whew-its been a heavy day for relationships hu?
Cheri? My freind. It doesnt matter what one does. It hurts.
All I know for sure is-that we hafta come first. And we dont like to hurt others, in the process.
Sometimes, I wish there were easier softer ways, but there just arent.
And changes of any kind in this alkys life, always causes uncertainty and fear, and anxiety.Fear of the unknown-fear of where Im going-fear of unknown territory. The whole package.
I think Gammy explained it well.
"The next right step" for us
We know the answers, individually--but we can complicate the hell out of things. We second guess ourselves, all over the place. We put ourselves down for failure.
Theres anger processes-guilt processes-greif processes-letting go, processes.--Emotions run all over the place, processes. The "What If" processes. Theres depression processes. And time takes time, processes. Plus healing processes.
Its not easy-but one day at a time--and with lots of love and support from others-we get through it, with little steps forward.--and there comes a point in time where-we get through it all, and start to look forward, to the next right steps. And we do that for us.
Self esteem had a lot to do with my stuff. I was wrecked. My self worth was at an all time low.
You do what you feel is right gal. We arent perfect at it, but we do our best.
Today, I hafta look back, and just say" I was far from perfect-and I made mistakes-but I gave it my best shot, with what I had at the time. I forgive myself for my mistakes and faults, as I forgive others for theirs.
Then its a Let Go and Let God with Love. Not with blame. Not with hate. Just with compassion, and love, through God.
And we get on with our journey--with faith in God, in ourselves, and in our program.
You are loved.
Cheri,
It's a tough call, one that only you can make for yourself.
My honey drinks every nite, but we live 350 miles away from each other. We talk everyday by phone & here online. When it gets to be too much, I can alway turn off the machine & go along my peaceful, merry way.
Now, living with him, now that's a whole other horse of a different color.......lol
Next time, he visits......he will bring his bottle of rum & drink himself stupid. I don't always handle it well, but I try. He has no respect for my sobriety so why do i love him?
Ain't love strange?
I know that you'll figure it out, whatever it may be.....in time.
Christine
I heard once ended a relationship is sorta like a death.
You have to go thru some of the grieving process steps. I believe there are 7 steps you go thru when you lose someone to death.
The only difference...the ex is still alive,(which in my opinion, can make it harder)
In other words its not an easy thing to end a relationship.
Praying for all on this board who are in the middle of these tough decisions.
Cheri, You are in my thoughts and prayers. As an alcoholic, I know my sobriety comes first and unhealthy relationship are not good for me.
I know you will figure out what is best, you have a solid program going for you.But it is still tough.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, To change the things I can,And the wisdom to know the difference."
(((Hugs)))
GammyRose
(((Cheri)))
my heart goes out to you
i so know what you mean by heart and head and tummy and toes.....all going in different directions, be still Cheri, your answers will come
if you decide to leave, i guess it doesn't have to be forever. Maybe it would put things in a different perspective having some time apart.
if the getting out seems good and thats what you have to do for you, then thats what you have to do. Compromise sometimes ends up hurting ourselves in the long run.
you know in your heart if you aren't happy
you deserve happiness and serenity Cheri
thinking of you and pryaing hard for you
you too Doll
hugs, Wendy