Hi all, I've escaped to terrorise the world with jokes again. As before: Sorry
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today As they may be connected to the ass that I have to kiss tomorrow. Help me always to give 100% at work... 12%on Monday, 23%on Tuesday, 40%on Wednesday, 20%Thursday, and 5% on Friday. And help me to remember... When I am having a really bad day, And it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown And only 4 to extend my arm and punch them in the mouth!
Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started to talk nonsense and couldn't drive.
Like I said: Sorry.
Best wishes.
Chris.
Phil said
Sep 12, 2005
hahahahahaha
That first ones good stuff Chris.:)
The second one? Well-youde better go hide mate. I think theres going to be a few girls from the USA after your ass.
Cabbageheadchris said
Sep 12, 2005
It's got to be true, If any man in the world drinks enough beer for long enough he WILL grow a pair of breasts. One of my work collegues confirms this by being larger than his wife!
Thank God and AA I stopped drinking before I got beyond a A cup!
bye for now
Chris.
Cabbageheadchris said
Sep 12, 2005
And as a follow on: Believe me, I'm not being serious, if I was, the black eyes and broken noses would start to upset me!
CATS
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
-- Edited by Cabbageheadchris at 18:39, 2005-09-12
Phil said
Sep 12, 2005
well Chris.
Ive seen a lot of men that are nothing but ego tistical A holes--controlling-selfish-and have no respect for their mates whatsovever--and take take takers. They can yell and scream like babys if they dont get their own way--they can sulk and pout--they can plan revenge, and make ones life pure hell--um-I think Ile stop there, before I go get a sex change-lol
Now a cat? They purr--all they want is food and a kitty litter box, and they are cuddly and loving creatures.
If I was a woman--I think Ide take the cat.:)
The blonde joke--I think theres a whole army of girls swimming the Atlantic, right now. For Gods sake RUN!!! hahaha
----------
-- Edited by Phil at 18:52, 2005-09-12
Sick of being sick said
Sep 12, 2005
Men and women are different, which is why they are attracted to and frequently so frustrated by each other. Vive la difference!
My sister in law loves a good blonde joke and/or female joke, and can dish out as well as she can take. Here's a couple she sent my(and my wife's) way recently.
A man and his wife were having an arguement, and were giving each other the silent treatment. Before going to bed, the man remembered that he needed to get up early for a business flight the next morning, and not wanting to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." and left it on her bedside table. The next morning when he awoke, he was furious to discover it was 8:00 am, and he had missed his flight. As he was turning to ask his wife why she hadn't wakened him, he notice a piece of paper on his bedside stand. On it was written, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up!" Moral: Men are not equipped to handle these kinds of contests.
A man read an article to his wife about the number of words a woman uses in a day...30,000 to a man's average of 15,000, and comented that men must be better at communicating their message concisely. The wife responded that it was probably more likely because women always have to repeat everything they say to men. To which the husband replied, "What?"
To be fair, she offered this little sting on the other sex:
No wonder men can't understand women. Who but a woman would willingly pour boiling wax on her legs, then rip her hair out by the roots, and yet still be afraid of a spider?
Here's hoping you always want for less than you have. Peace, Love and Serenity.
Hi all, I've escaped to terrorise the world with jokes again. As before: Sorry
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass that I have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always to give 100% at work... 12%on Monday, 23%on
Tuesday, 40%on Wednesday, 20%Thursday, and 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember...
When I am having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown
And only 4 to extend my arm and punch them in the mouth!
Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started to talk nonsense and couldn't drive.
Like I said: Sorry.
Best wishes.
Chris.
hahahahahaha
That first ones good stuff Chris.:)
The second one? Well-youde better go hide mate. I think theres going to be a few girls from the USA after your ass.
It's got to be true, If any man in the world drinks enough beer for long enough he WILL grow a pair of breasts. One of my work collegues confirms this by being larger than his wife!
Thank God and AA I stopped drinking before I got beyond a A cup!
bye for now
Chris.
And as a follow on: Believe me, I'm not being serious, if I was, the black eyes and broken noses would start to upset me!
CATS
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
-- Edited by Cabbageheadchris at 18:39, 2005-09-12
well Chris.
Ive seen a lot of men that are nothing but ego tistical A holes--controlling-selfish-and have no respect for their mates whatsovever--and take take takers. They can yell and scream like babys if they dont get their own way--they can sulk and pout--they can plan revenge, and make ones life pure hell--um-I think Ile stop there, before I go get a sex change-lol
Now a cat? They purr--all they want is food and a kitty litter box, and they are cuddly and loving creatures.
If I was a woman--I think Ide take the cat.:)
The blonde joke--I think theres a whole army of girls swimming the Atlantic, right now. For Gods sake RUN!!! hahaha
----------
-- Edited by Phil at 18:52, 2005-09-12
Men and women are different, which is why they are attracted to and frequently so frustrated by each other. Vive la difference!
My sister in law loves a good blonde joke and/or female joke, and can dish out as well as she can take. Here's a couple she sent my(and my wife's) way recently.
A man and his wife were having an arguement, and were giving each other the silent treatment. Before going to bed, the man remembered that he needed to get up early for a business flight the next morning, and not wanting to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." and left it on her bedside table. The next morning when he awoke, he was furious to discover it was 8:00 am, and he had missed his flight. As he was turning to ask his wife why she hadn't wakened him, he notice a piece of paper on his bedside stand. On it was written, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up!" Moral: Men are not equipped to handle these kinds of contests.
A man read an article to his wife about the number of words a woman uses in a day...30,000 to a man's average of 15,000, and comented that men must be better at communicating their message concisely. The wife responded that it was probably more likely because women always have to repeat everything they say to men. To which the husband replied, "What?"
To be fair, she offered this little sting on the other sex:
No wonder men can't understand women. Who but a woman would willingly pour boiling wax on her legs, then rip her hair out by the roots, and yet still be afraid of a spider?
Here's hoping you always want for less than you have. Peace, Love and Serenity.
Dan