I attended my first AA meeting several years ago, because it was court ordered.  The situation which resulted in that order did not cause me to loose my job or my family. 

I did not attend meetings much past the last month that it was required of me.  I didn't feel that I could not control my drinking, because, as I said, I had a successful job, and loving family.  I had never passed out or had a blackout from drinking.  My court appointed alcohol counselor was surprised, when, after he had heard my "typical alcoholic's B...s... story", he had my wife, who he had made to wait outside the room, come in and relate her version, while I was made to stand out in the hall. We had a tough time sitting down and agreeing on what "type" of alcoholic I was, after she corroborated that she could count on less than 10 fingers, the times she had seen me staggering drunk over the past 27 years. 

Besides, I had only had a few beers while golfing before driving that afternoon, and was barely over the legal limit.  I was a victim of a bad decision and of circumstance(now, there's a typical alcoholic's b...s... story!). 

Well guess what?  I had become a professional drinker.  I seldom got raging drunk, but I never liked being totally sober.  I couldn't have a day go by without anxiously waiting for evening to come, so I could get that "buzz" going, then maintain it until I was ready to hit the sheets.  On weekends I could start "medicating" even sooner; slam a couple of highballs shortly after noon to start feeling "normal", then supplement, as needed, with beer, wine or more mixed drinks.  I was always "functional" if you could call it that, at least enough to fool my friends and aquaintences about how much I had consumed.  I had even got so good at it, that I could even hear if my speech started to slur a little, and would immediately change to non alcoholic beverages for about an hour or so, until I felt that I was starting to lose that "wrapped in cotton" feeling, and could start up again.  Problem is that I also started to build a tolerance to my drug of choice, so I could drink aheluva lot more as the years went by. 

Want to hear something that should have scared the crap out of me?  I actually used to fantasize about just being able to have a steady IV drip of alcohol that could be administered at a rate that would maintain that low level "buzz" all the time.

Turns out that part of my problem was that I was tired of having to watch out for the too many cocky, self-assured, hyprocitical, deceitful people in the world that were always too willing to get where they wanted by walking on the backs of anyone else, including me.  The majority of the rest were needy manipulators.  Funny that I couldn't see exactly where I fit in there.  Funny like when I go out to drive, that all the other people on the road are "Crazy Jerks" and I'm the only sane driver ( I'm sure it's the same for you; until, of course, I am on the road, because then you become one of them).

So anyway, I am now a partner in the same business, my 2 daughters are college graduates with happy, successful lives and families of their own.  My wife and I are communicating better now than we ever.  BTW, did I mention that my dad was an ordained minister, who left the minestry to work for many years as a social worker, and that I grew up not even knowing what booze was, until I was introduced to it by my peers at about 15 years old?

My wife calls booze "Instant A..hole in a Bottle".  She tells me that she has only seen me at the "crawlin' and bawlin" stage twice in 30 years, but I have become an expert at the "loud and obnoxious" stage. Funny thing is, when I try staying sober on my own, I am quite often a "dry drunk" which ain't a whole hell of a lot better.

I have also found that my emotional danger zones in sobriety are when I am feeling the terrible "too"s...too down, too angry, too good.  Did I just say too good?  Yep, that's when I start feeling physically and mentally so up, that "hell, a couple quick ones can only lift me even higher! What can that hurt?  Right?" 

Most of us have a friend or two we talk to when we are ticked off, feeling a little misunderstood (like, "Boy, my wife is sure P.O.'ed!"), when we are stressed, or to share our good fortune ("I birdied three holes this weekend, and on Monday, I got a promotion and a raise!")  I see in AA that, when someone is feeling low, and inclined to want a drink to "drown their sorrows", that other members, who have a first hand understanding of that drive, will throw an arm (or "virtual" arm in this site) around their shoulder, and say "lets have a cup of coffee and chat".  When someone is feeling a little too "high" emotionally, other members who know first hand how slippery and dangerous it can be up on "cloud nine", will remind them to get their feet a little closer to the ground. Hmmmmm....d'ya suppose that is why they call it a SUPPORT GROUP?

When others here share their problems with me, it reminds me that I'm not the only one on the planet with problems, and when they share their happy occasions with me, it reminds me that there is soooo much joy that can be had even (especially?) when your sober!

I'm in AA because I want to quit drinking, because it makes me much less than pleasant to the people I care about, it can lead to dangerous behavior (D.U.I.), it's costly, and it will eventually take it's toll on my health (don't wanna know what shape my liver's in). 

I crossed the threshold of AA of my own will this time, because it sure seems to work for a lot of people.  So, I will reserve judgement on it until I see what it will do for me.  And I am most definitely not qualified to judge whether or not a cure works, if I am not willing to take the prescribed dosage for the prescribed length of time.  

Here's a wish for peace and love, and prayers for all of you from an old (long winded )"Hippie",

Dan, an alcoholic

hi, Dan..   your style of drinking sounds a lot like mine, carefully controlled to maintain a high without getting passed out, or staggering drunk. It is sometimes controversial whether or not we are considered 'true' alcoholics,, but you described so well the adverse affects that this actually does,, and so I do consider it alcoholism. I'm glad you came back to the 12 Steps.  They work if you work them, so work them cuz ur worth it. You write very well, and I'm going to try to remembver some of the little witticisms..  like that you were not crying drunk, but did succeed in being obnoxious.  Me too. Your reasons for quitting are well thought out and expressed.  I really thank you, and look forward to your continued participation.

love in recovery,

amanda

Hello Amanda,

Thanks for the welcome. 

My counselor told me that I would probably have a harder time working the program, because of my particular "pattern" of drinking.  I had become so expert at fooling everyone else that I wasn't dependant on booze, that I would take a while myself, to accept that I was.

He was right.

 "once in a while you can get shone the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right"

Thanks for sharing, Dan. 

Love and peace

Doll

Dan

I can only relate to this with coke. I use to maintain a buzz just to drink more.

I have a brother that talks of the nice high from a shot of crown royal.  He has 2 beers a shot and runs off.  then he does this again in a few hrs later.  I can't understand it.  I pick up and away I go until the drunk is over. 1 day, 4 days but i drink during the night to sleep and the minute i get up. actully right thru.  I have no question in my mind on alcoholic. were all different animals.  hey it's not easy for me either

That Bailey's I used to pour into my coffee? Just flavoring...I never drank in the morning! The shot I took at noon? Just a quick wakeup shot...I didn't NEED it! The times I told my kids I'd be home after work, then tell them I was still working while I was sitting at the bar? I just needed to unwind. The times I downed 3 drinks then raced home before the buzz set in so I wouldn't get a DUI? That was just smart thinking.

As my drinking got worse, my excuses and justifications got worse. I am an alcoholic because I do not know what will happen when I take that first drink. Maybe I'll make it home, maybe I'll wake up in a cornfield in Kansas 3 days later. I have no control, I never will. And by the grace of God and because of people in AA, I have learned that I don't have to drink today. And when I'm hurting I can find comfort here and when I see another hurting I can give comfort. That is what AA is to me.

SO from another "hippie" I say welcome and stick around for the ride. It's a better high than any I tried to find elsewhere.

Love, cheri