i didn't even think about the consequences, just did it
i hate this diseae, bottom line it hates me more, i don't want to die
i don't want to lose the gifts i've gotten back in the last months
one day at a time ain't workin for me
i'm sorry
Phil said
Sep 6, 2005
Hi Wantneeda.
Was just sitting here, in a full blown depression, - just watching an empty screen, when your post came up. Go figure.
You tripped. You made it back. Youre here.
A lot of us have tripped--the same way you did. Youre not alone.
You dont loose those sober days. The only thing started again, is the sobriety date.
Some of us have to trip, and fall on our butts before we truly accept. Some of us hafta endure some self inflicted pain.
Its how we grow. If we didnt stumble, thered be no lessons to learn --would there?
You know-in all honesty--over the past few hours--as long as Ive been in this program--I can still think about picking up a drink. I thought about it today.
Just obliverating everything, and saying "Screw it all"
You do your best-you try to be a good person-and life still, goes for a shit-and I keep asking myself why. Expectations-disappointments----living life on lifes terms.
Your post helped me today, Want. Dust yourself off gal--forgive yourself--and wele get on with another day sober. OK? Youre worth it.
wantneeda said
Sep 6, 2005
(((Phil)))
thanks for your words!!
i thought i did truly accept and surrender, guess i was only foolin' myself
my daughter, as she was cryin', said, i don't trust you, i can't beleive anything you say. God that hurts. And I can only blame myslef, my actions for that.
been reading lots lately about people who, for example one of them after 2.5 years in the program, is leaving AA. How meetings make them want to drink, how the meetings are depressing...blah blah blah. Some days i agree with that, and i think i can stay sober without the meetings. Well obviously i couldn't!!! Each to their own i guess.
i remember one of the first meetings i ever went to, and wondering to myself, wow, people here have been sober for that long and still have to go to meetings?? and thinkin' to myself..geez, am i gonna crave the crap for that long!!! I almost threw in the towel right then and there. That was before i learned that the reason they are still sober is because they keep going to meetings.
On that note, buses are on strike here.can't get to a meeting, so if its' ok with you's i'll be USING you's lots for now!!
i know that 'screw it all' feeling Phil, only too well.
and thanks Phil, you're worth it too!!
When i read that you thought about drinking Phil, i got this sick, scared feeling in my tummy. I wish i could feel that way before i actually pick up that first one myself
guess thats the insanity of this disease eh? the cunning, baffling, and oh so powerful part...
Forgiveness is easy to say Phil, but i'll try
i will not drink today!!!
i will not drink today!!!
i will not drink today!!!!
hugs, Wendy
Doll said
Sep 6, 2005
Wendy, sweetie. Don't beat yourself up. (This too shall pass). You've done the only thing and the next right thing you can do; pick your ass up, dust your ass off, and try it again! Chin up girlfriend. Someone told me to learn what I did "wrong" when I lapsed last time and not do it again
It WILL get better.
You're in my thoughts and prayers........
Much, much love to you. And lots and lots of hugs.
Doll
wantneeda said
Sep 6, 2005
thank you Doll,
i don't know where i'd be right now if not for my family here,
i'm powerless, my life is unmanageable
i believe
turning my will and my life over
determined today to make it to day 3
gotta stay in THIS moment, and the next to get there
gotta share something i've been mulling today though....its so easy to tell others to get back on that horse, i've done it. I've told others not to beat themselves up. I've told others to forgive themselves. Easier said than done. If i don't give myself shite for my behavior, who will?
is trying to forgive myself, and moving on not saying that what i did was ok??? Rambling thoughts of a brain that is going through detox again i guess, sigh. Wish i could turn my brain off, or is that why i drank to begin with?? Just trying to deal with it all i guess.
love, Wendy
Phil said
Sep 6, 2005
I guess Wendy--it all comes down to "we are addicted to alcohol". What do we do when there is caous or pain in our lives? or we react with negative thoughts and emotions?
The logical answer. to an alcoholic, would be to drink.
What do we do when we crave it. Same answer.
What do we do to get better? Well-we know the answers to that one.
But its a daily thing.
Even after all the days, Ive been in AA--if there is a day with pain, or caous, or negative thinking--the first thought that comes into my head is "DRINK"
Then theres the second thought.
The consequences.
I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what those consequences would be. A slow suicidal death. In your case-you mentioned all the gifts-since youve been sober.
Even with pain in my life right now--Ive got to sit down and do a gratitude list.
One negative thoughts can start an unstoppable, negative pile--and completely cover over, all the gifts, and positive stuff.--sending one right down the tubes--to you know where --"Drink"
Yes Wendy-youve got it right. "Easy does it" Do your best for you-and have faith, that the Higher Power, will take care of the rest. Some days, its just all we can handle, just not to pick up a drink. Thats just the way we are.
Have a good night.
GammyRose said
Sep 6, 2005
Hey Wendy, I just want to say as I did earlier today, thanks for your honesty. It will get better, when you are tired of beating yourself up, the bruises will heal, and you will move forward, one day at a time.
I hope the bus strike is over soon, so you can get to f2f meetings, and we are here for you . Do you have phone numbers of people from AA you can call, and call your sponsor, just to check in.You are worth all it takes to live life sober.
Yes, Phil and I have been in these rooms forever...no graduation ceremonies for us. Heck, I still go see one of our old guys in the nursing home, he holds meetings with other residents and a few of the nurses. If we don't give it a way, we will drink, if we don't keep talking to other sober alcoholics ,we will drink, if we forget where we came from , we will drink.
Phil, get better, this too shall pass. I'm glad you are back. Just sorry you had to cut the trip short. Hey, guys, life on lifes terms is okay today, I'm still breathing ,walking, and can type somewhat.I have a meeting tonight and need to hear a portion of the 5th chapter, read by a fellow recovering alcoholic.
(((Hugs)))
GammyRose
mom to 2 said
Sep 6, 2005
Wendy,
I'm so sorry you are suffering. Please listen to the others on this board.
I just don't know what else to say to you. You've been so kind and helpful with me.
So understanding about my husband.
You will stay in my thoughts and prayers.
mom to 2
Sick of being sick said
Sep 6, 2005
Wendy,
A lot of folks are thinking of you and praying for you. Feel that! Don't let go of that.
cheri said
Sep 7, 2005
Wendy,
You don't lose anything but a date on the calendar...you're still alive and kicking. You still have a power greater than yourself. You know how to stay sober. Call some people and get to the meetings...it's ok to ask for help. I don't know how long you were out there, but I bet it wasn't long, huh?
It's going to be ok...do this for yourself. I love you...
Cheri
Rick said
Sep 7, 2005
HEY WENDY
I AGREE WITH CHERI
IT'S JUST A DATE
YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY ,JUST START OVER I'VE DONE IT THREE TIMES IN AA AND A BUNCH MORE WITHOUT
AT LEAST I'VE HAD QUITE A FEW SOBER YEARS!!!
BETTER THAN NONE AND YOU DON'T LOSE WHAT YOU LEARNED YOU JUST BECOME STRONGER
THERE WAS A MAN YESTERDAY AT THE MEETING, THAT SAID HE STARTED IN AA WHEN HE WAS 29. HE IS NOW 77 AND HE JUST GOT 18 YEARS. THIS MAN SOBERED UP MY DAD THAT DIED WITH 33 YEARS SOBER--GO FIGURE--YOU POSTED SOME GREAT STUFF THAT HELPED ALOT OF PEOPLE
ONE TIME IT TOOK ME 7 YEARS TO GET BACK
AS SAID--DON'T BEAT YOURSELF--NO BIG DEAL--I FELT LIKE S--T AFTER THE SLIP. I WAS SOBER 6 YEARS--I THINK BEATING MYSELF UP IS WHAT KEPT ME OUT
ANYWAY WISH YOU WELL AND A HUG TO YOU
-- Edited by Rick at 10:00, 2005-09-07
cheri said
Sep 7, 2005
wantneeda wrote: thank you Doll, i don't know where i'd be right now if not for my family here, i'm powerless, my life is unmanageable i believe turning my will and my life over determined today to make it to day 3 gotta stay in THIS moment, and the next to get there gotta share something i've been mulling today though....its so easy to tell others to get back on that horse, i've done it. I've told others not to beat themselves up. I've told others to forgive themselves. Easier said than done. If i don't give myself shite for my behavior, who will? is trying to forgive myself, and moving on not saying that what i did was ok??? Rambling thoughts of a brain that is going through detox again i guess, sigh. Wish i could turn my brain off, or is that why i drank to begin with?? Just trying to deal with it all i guess. love, Wendy
Is forgiving yourself and moving on ok? yeah...cuase if you don't you'll keep beating yourself up and you'll feel like shit and want to go drink again. The drinking wasn't ok, cause you know what it will lead to.
When someone goes out we hurt inside...because we know that they may not make it back. You did. And I am grateful for that...you are too important to lose to the disease of alcoholism.
Today, as in every day, I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanagable. God has taken care of managing my life for awhile now and it seems to be working. So for today, I'll let Him have it again.
Love, cheri
nancyjo59 said
Sep 8, 2005
HI Wendy,
Post Post Post !!!!
Nobody here is going to consider you a pain in the ass. We care about you here. It is only a date. So what...Been there...its hard, old habits are so hard to break. You can do it. I have faith in you.
When I get back I'll get my phone # to ya.
I could use someone to talk to also...I'm not able to get to meetings, this is my communication with AA at this time in my life.
It has saved my life, not to mention my sanity.
I have unlimited long distance (need to be in touch with my family without stressing over how long we are talking).
i gotta tell everyone.
i'm on day 2 today
i need you
give me shit, enocuragement, whatever
i'm so glad you are here
not liking me very much right now
i didn't even think about the consequences, just did it
i hate this diseae, bottom line it hates me more, i don't want to die
i don't want to lose the gifts i've gotten back in the last months
one day at a time ain't workin for me
i'm sorry
Hi Wantneeda.
Was just sitting here, in a full blown depression, - just watching an empty screen, when your post came up. Go figure.
You tripped. You made it back. Youre here.
A lot of us have tripped--the same way you did. Youre not alone.
You dont loose those sober days. The only thing started again, is the sobriety date.
Some of us have to trip, and fall on our butts before we truly accept. Some of us hafta endure some self inflicted pain.
Its how we grow. If we didnt stumble, thered be no lessons to learn --would there?
You know-in all honesty--over the past few hours--as long as Ive been in this program--I can still think about picking up a drink. I thought about it today.
Just obliverating everything, and saying "Screw it all"
You do your best-you try to be a good person-and life still, goes for a shit-and I keep asking myself why. Expectations-disappointments----living life on lifes terms.
Your post helped me today, Want. Dust yourself off gal--forgive yourself--and wele get on with another day sober. OK? Youre worth it.
(((Phil)))
thanks for your words!!
i thought i did truly accept and surrender, guess i was only foolin' myself
my daughter, as she was cryin', said, i don't trust you, i can't beleive anything you say. God that hurts. And I can only blame myslef, my actions for that.
been reading lots lately about people who, for example one of them after 2.5 years in the program, is leaving AA. How meetings make them want to drink, how the meetings are depressing...blah blah blah. Some days i agree with that, and i think i can stay sober without the meetings. Well obviously i couldn't!!! Each to their own i guess.
i remember one of the first meetings i ever went to, and wondering to myself, wow, people here have been sober for that long and still have to go to meetings?? and thinkin' to myself..geez, am i gonna crave the crap for that long!!! I almost threw in the towel right then and there. That was before i learned that the reason they are still sober is because they keep going to meetings.
On that note, buses are on strike here.can't get to a meeting, so if its' ok with you's i'll be USING you's lots for now!!
i know that 'screw it all' feeling Phil, only too well.
and thanks Phil, you're worth it too!!
When i read that you thought about drinking Phil, i got this sick, scared feeling in my tummy. I wish i could feel that way before i actually pick up that first one myself
guess thats the insanity of this disease eh? the cunning, baffling, and oh so powerful part...
Forgiveness is easy to say Phil, but i'll try
i will not drink today!!!
i will not drink today!!!
i will not drink today!!!!
hugs, Wendy
Wendy, sweetie. Don't beat yourself up. (This too shall pass). You've done the only thing and the next right thing you can do; pick your ass up, dust your ass off, and try it again! Chin up girlfriend. Someone told me to learn what I did "wrong" when I lapsed last time and not do it again
It WILL get better.
You're in my thoughts and prayers........
Much, much love to you. And lots and lots of hugs.
Doll
thank you Doll,
i don't know where i'd be right now if not for my family here,
i'm powerless, my life is unmanageable
i believe
turning my will and my life over
determined today to make it to day 3
gotta stay in THIS moment, and the next to get there
gotta share something i've been mulling today though....its so easy to tell others to get back on that horse, i've done it. I've told others not to beat themselves up. I've told others to forgive themselves. Easier said than done. If i don't give myself shite for my behavior, who will?
is trying to forgive myself, and moving on not saying that what i did was ok??? Rambling thoughts of a brain that is going through detox again i guess, sigh. Wish i could turn my brain off, or is that why i drank to begin with?? Just trying to deal with it all i guess.
love, Wendy
I guess Wendy--it all comes down to "we are addicted to alcohol". What do we do when there is caous or pain in our lives? or we react with negative thoughts and emotions?
The logical answer. to an alcoholic, would be to drink.
What do we do when we crave it. Same answer.
What do we do to get better? Well-we know the answers to that one.
But its a daily thing.
Even after all the days, Ive been in AA--if there is a day with pain, or caous, or negative thinking--the first thought that comes into my head is "DRINK"
Then theres the second thought.
The consequences.
I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what those consequences would be. A slow suicidal death. In your case-you mentioned all the gifts-since youve been sober.
Even with pain in my life right now--Ive got to sit down and do a gratitude list.
One negative thoughts can start an unstoppable, negative pile--and completely cover over, all the gifts, and positive stuff.--sending one right down the tubes--to you know where --"Drink"
Yes Wendy-youve got it right. "Easy does it" Do your best for you-and have faith, that the Higher Power, will take care of the rest. Some days, its just all we can handle, just not to pick up a drink. Thats just the way we are.
Have a good night.
Hey Wendy, I just want to say as I did earlier today, thanks for your honesty. It will get better, when you are tired of beating yourself up, the bruises will heal, and you will move forward, one day at a time.
I hope the bus strike is over soon, so you can get to f2f meetings, and we are here for you . Do you have phone numbers of people from AA you can call, and call your sponsor, just to check in.You are worth all it takes to live life sober.
Yes, Phil and I have been in these rooms forever...no graduation ceremonies for us. Heck, I still go see one of our old guys in the nursing home, he holds meetings with other residents and a few of the nurses. If we don't give it a way, we will drink, if we don't keep talking to other sober alcoholics ,we will drink, if we forget where we came from , we will drink.
Phil, get better, this too shall pass. I'm glad you are back. Just sorry you had to cut the trip short. Hey, guys, life on lifes terms is okay today, I'm still breathing ,walking, and can type somewhat.I have a meeting tonight and need to hear a portion of the 5th chapter, read by a fellow recovering alcoholic.
(((Hugs)))
GammyRose
Wendy,
I'm so sorry you are suffering. Please listen to the others on this board.
I just don't know what else to say to you. You've been so kind and helpful with me.
So understanding about my husband.
You will stay in my thoughts and prayers.
mom to 2
Wendy,
A lot of folks are thinking of you and praying for you. Feel that! Don't let go of that.
Wendy,
You don't lose anything but a date on the calendar...you're still alive and kicking. You still have a power greater than yourself. You know how to stay sober. Call some people and get to the meetings...it's ok to ask for help. I don't know how long you were out there, but I bet it wasn't long, huh?
It's going to be ok...do this for yourself. I love you...
Cheri
HEY WENDY
I AGREE WITH CHERI
IT'S JUST A DATE
YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY ,JUST START OVER I'VE DONE IT THREE TIMES IN AA AND A BUNCH MORE WITHOUT
AT LEAST I'VE HAD QUITE A FEW SOBER YEARS!!!
BETTER THAN NONE AND YOU DON'T LOSE WHAT YOU LEARNED YOU JUST BECOME STRONGER
THERE WAS A MAN YESTERDAY AT THE MEETING, THAT SAID HE STARTED IN AA WHEN HE WAS 29. HE IS NOW 77 AND HE JUST GOT 18 YEARS. THIS MAN SOBERED UP MY DAD THAT DIED WITH 33 YEARS SOBER--GO FIGURE--YOU POSTED SOME GREAT STUFF THAT HELPED ALOT OF PEOPLE
ONE TIME IT TOOK ME 7 YEARS TO GET BACK
AS SAID--DON'T BEAT YOURSELF--NO BIG DEAL--I FELT LIKE S--T AFTER THE SLIP. I WAS SOBER 6 YEARS--I THINK BEATING MYSELF UP IS WHAT KEPT ME OUT
ANYWAY WISH YOU WELL AND A HUG TO YOU
-- Edited by Rick at 10:00, 2005-09-07
Is forgiving yourself and moving on ok? yeah...cuase if you don't you'll keep beating yourself up and you'll feel like shit and want to go drink again. The drinking wasn't ok, cause you know what it will lead to.
When someone goes out we hurt inside...because we know that they may not make it back. You did. And I am grateful for that...you are too important to lose to the disease of alcoholism.
Today, as in every day, I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanagable. God has taken care of managing my life for awhile now and it seems to be working. So for today, I'll let Him have it again.
Love, cheri
HI Wendy,
Post Post Post !!!!
Nobody here is going to consider you a pain in the ass. We care about you here. It is only a date. So what...Been there...its hard, old habits are so hard to break. You can do it. I have faith in you.
When I get back I'll get my phone # to ya.
I could use someone to talk to also...I'm not able to get to meetings, this is my communication with AA at this time in my life.
It has saved my life, not to mention my sanity.
I have unlimited long distance (need to be in touch with my family without stressing over how long we are talking).
Hang in there
Nancy Jo