I am a member of Alanon and go to f2f meetings and post on the Alanon site.
I have been married to my recovering A husband for 31 years. He has been sober for 22 years. This last 5 years have been difficult at best. I think that the correct term would be a dry drunk. We went to a couples workshop. I asked him to stop threatening me with divorce. He agreed. Three months later he said that he was taking a job in another state and he didn't want to talk to me for a year and that he wanted a divorce.
I told him to move out (this was as our last son graduated from high school) on June 1. He said that we would of course be talking only because of the kids (two going to college and one in the military). He said that he wasn't getting any younger and that he has to get it all in like golf every day. I have been going to meetings and learning to take care of myself. In the beginning we were yellling at each other and unable to communicate at all.
Explain this: I took charge and started moving his stuff out. A couple of weeks ago, he said that he was "leaning toward divorce" because I yelled at him. Boy, did I feel manipulated. Then later he said, "why are you moving my stuff out?" I said that you wanted a divorce. He said don't believe the first thing that comes out of my mouth (he is another state). I said that we won't make it unless one or both of us are in recovery. He said you'll have to do it for both of us.
It was at this point that I truly realized that I was dealing with a disease. I went to an open AA meeting and they gave me a Big Book. I try to work on my program. I am so full of resentment towards my husband. He golfs and I have to find someone to help me chop wood for the winter. I must say that some things have been so much easier because he hasn't been around to interfere or give his opinion.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Nancy
Sick of being sick said
Sep 5, 2005
Dear nmike,
You may not see a lot of responses, because for us alcoholics, any comment we would attempt on this subject is similar to attempting to defuse unexploded ordanance.
After 4 years of majoring in Psychology in college(many years ago), I still can't explain today why I couldn't control my drinking.
Your fights sound remaniscent of arguements between my spouse and me. Ultimately, not all of us accept that "half measures availed us nothing". We have had to work it out, ultimately by her deciding she had to learn to play a little more, and I had to learn to work a little more. Our compromise has worked (FOR US) so far, although we still have our little quarrels. I also had to learn to work through my 3 year old "I'-"me" tendancy to make threats to try to get my own way. She also has had to learn to "fight fair", as she had her own little psychological 'barbed hooks" (trust me on this).
You may be dealing with attempts by your husband to manipulate you. Or you may not.
I would offer that your choice is to practice your own program, live your life in the direction you wish(NEED) to go, and let him chose whether it is also his path or to go his own direction.
nancyjo59 said
Sep 5, 2005
Hi Nancy,
Sorry for your heartache!!! Sounds to me your husband is a master of manipulation, not to mention very selfish!!
Your chopping wood ...he's golfing...doesn't sound too fair, Kinda one sided relationship with you giving more than recieving!!!
For me alchol is like a truth serem!!! The truth comes out...seen it happen to lot of folks while they are drinking!!!
I'd have to say go with your intuation!!! We never seem to do that...while making a decision we know in our hearts what needs to be done...and fight the answer.Then later on down the road we say to ourselves....I knew it!!! I just Knew it...and didnt listen to out inner voices.
Good luck
Nancy Jo
:angel::floating;
wagon said
Sep 5, 2005
at this point i think u have to do whats best for u! sometimes it is very hard to make the decisions;but you have a life to .it sounds to me like it time you start living it .may god bless u and we are here for u! wagon
GammyRose said
Sep 5, 2005
Nancy, I am the wife of a practicing alcoholic, I am also an alcoholic who has been sober for 20 years. My husband and I have been married for 22 years. He is on his way back to a state treatment facility after only being out of jail for 7 months.
I have also gone to many Al-anon meetings. I know how you feel, it is very frustating to detach, to let go, and to just deal with our part in a relationship, but you know as well as I do that's all we can do.Acceptance is the solution to all my problems today. I hand my day over to God each day ask Him to lead and guide me and He always hands me back my part for that day.
Your husband has been sober for 20 years, yes he may be on a dry drunk. But there is nothing you can do about his actions. Even in "normal" reationships , marriages fall apart, they change and all we can do is our part.To your own self be true, do what you have to do, what is your Higher Power telling you to do?I know you have heard this all before.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this, I will pray for you and your husband, I know the hurt and frustation.
(((Hugs)))
GammyRose
cheri said
Sep 5, 2005
Hi Nancy,
I have been sober for a little over 4 years, my husband has been sober almost 15 years. Early in my recovery I spent alot of time walking on eggshells, trying to make up for my drinking. I also depended on my husband to help me through the bad times and to be that "solid" foundation that I needed. But as I have grown emotionally, and developed an understanding of a Higher Power and what that means to me, we have pulled away from each other in some way. I place my dependence on God, not as much on him, and it felt like as I grew up, he got immature. After many discussions this past year, I have come to realize that he is jealous of my involvment in AA. This is his problem, not mine. I absolutely cannot go backwards in recovery, and I can't stop going forward. I would drink or die if I did.
You say that you have been going to meetings and learning to take care of yourself. Possibly your husband sees this as a threat to his importance in your life. No matter how long we have been sober, alcoholics are ego-driven. Without the program of AA to keep that ego in check, we become self will run riot. We do impulsive things without stopping and thinking it through, and sometimes we hurt those that we love.
I don't have any words of wisdom for you, I can't tell you that you should stay or leave. I know that people that love me wonder why I have continued to try and work things out with my husband. Here's why...because I still love him deeply and I'm not ready to let it go. When I get tired of trying to handle the pain, I'll give it over to God and things will change or I will leave.When I have done all that can be done and I can say to myself that there is nothing left to do.
I guess you need to find out where you are in that process, and make your decisions based on what you want and need, because it isn't about him, it's about what is best for you.
Love, cheri
leejosepho said
Sep 5, 2005
Sick of being sick wrote: After 4 years of majoring in Psychology in college(many years ago), I still can't explain today why I couldn't control my drinking.
"Strangely enough, wives, parents and intimate friends usually find us even more unapproachable than do the psychiatrist and the doctor.
"But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself ..." (Big Book, page 18):
"All [alcoholics] have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity" (Big Book, "Doctor's Opinion").
Within certain people, there is an actual "chemical reaction" that takes place in the brain during the metabolization of alcohol.
Hi all,
I am a member of Alanon and go to f2f meetings and post on the Alanon site.
I have been married to my recovering A husband for 31 years. He has been sober for 22 years. This last 5 years have been difficult at best. I think that the correct term would be a dry drunk. We went to a couples workshop. I asked him to stop threatening me with divorce. He agreed. Three months later he said that he was taking a job in another state and he didn't want to talk to me for a year and that he wanted a divorce.
I told him to move out (this was as our last son graduated from high school) on June 1. He said that we would of course be talking only because of the kids (two going to college and one in the military). He said that he wasn't getting any younger and that he has to get it all in like golf every day. I have been going to meetings and learning to take care of myself. In the beginning we were yellling at each other and unable to communicate at all.
Explain this: I took charge and started moving his stuff out. A couple of weeks ago, he said that he was "leaning toward divorce" because I yelled at him. Boy, did I feel manipulated. Then later he said, "why are you moving my stuff out?" I said that you wanted a divorce. He said don't believe the first thing that comes out of my mouth (he is another state). I said that we won't make it unless one or both of us are in recovery. He said you'll have to do it for both of us.
It was at this point that I truly realized that I was dealing with a disease. I went to an open AA meeting and they gave me a Big Book. I try to work on my program. I am so full of resentment towards my husband. He golfs and I have to find someone to help me chop wood for the winter. I must say that some things have been so much easier because he hasn't been around to interfere or give his opinion.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Nancy
Dear nmike,
You may not see a lot of responses, because for us alcoholics, any comment we would attempt on this subject is similar to attempting to defuse unexploded ordanance.
After 4 years of majoring in Psychology in college(many years ago), I still can't explain today why I couldn't control my drinking.
Your fights sound remaniscent of arguements between my spouse and me. Ultimately, not all of us accept that "half measures availed us nothing". We have had to work it out, ultimately by her deciding she had to learn to play a little more, and I had to learn to work a little more. Our compromise has worked (FOR US) so far, although we still have our little quarrels. I also had to learn to work through my 3 year old "I'-"me" tendancy to make threats to try to get my own way. She also has had to learn to "fight fair", as she had her own little psychological 'barbed hooks" (trust me on this).
You may be dealing with attempts by your husband to manipulate you. Or you may not.
I would offer that your choice is to practice your own program, live your life in the direction you wish(NEED) to go, and let him chose whether it is also his path or to go his own direction.
Hi Nancy,
Sorry for your heartache!!! Sounds to me your husband is a master of manipulation, not to mention very selfish!!
Your chopping wood ...he's golfing...doesn't sound too fair, Kinda one sided relationship with you giving more than recieving!!!
For me alchol is like a truth serem!!! The truth comes out...seen it happen to lot of folks while they are drinking!!!
I'd have to say go with your intuation!!! We never seem to do that...while making a decision we know in our hearts what needs to be done...and fight the answer.Then later on down the road we say to ourselves....I knew it!!! I just Knew it...and didnt listen to out inner voices.
Good luck
Nancy Jo
Nancy, I am the wife of a practicing alcoholic, I am also an alcoholic who has been sober for 20 years. My husband and I have been married for 22 years. He is on his way back to a state treatment facility after only being out of jail for 7 months.
I have also gone to many Al-anon meetings. I know how you feel, it is very frustating to detach, to let go, and to just deal with our part in a relationship, but you know as well as I do that's all we can do.Acceptance is the solution to all my problems today. I hand my day over to God each day ask Him to lead and guide me and He always hands me back my part for that day.
Your husband has been sober for 20 years, yes he may be on a dry drunk. But there is nothing you can do about his actions. Even in "normal" reationships , marriages fall apart, they change and all we can do is our part.To your own self be true, do what you have to do, what is your Higher Power telling you to do?I know you have heard this all before.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this, I will pray for you and your husband, I know the hurt and frustation.
(((Hugs)))
GammyRose
Hi Nancy,
I have been sober for a little over 4 years, my husband has been sober almost 15 years. Early in my recovery I spent alot of time walking on eggshells, trying to make up for my drinking. I also depended on my husband to help me through the bad times and to be that "solid" foundation that I needed. But as I have grown emotionally, and developed an understanding of a Higher Power and what that means to me, we have pulled away from each other in some way. I place my dependence on God, not as much on him, and it felt like as I grew up, he got immature. After many discussions this past year, I have come to realize that he is jealous of my involvment in AA. This is his problem, not mine. I absolutely cannot go backwards in recovery, and I can't stop going forward. I would drink or die if I did.
You say that you have been going to meetings and learning to take care of yourself. Possibly your husband sees this as a threat to his importance in your life. No matter how long we have been sober, alcoholics are ego-driven. Without the program of AA to keep that ego in check, we become self will run riot. We do impulsive things without stopping and thinking it through, and sometimes we hurt those that we love.
I don't have any words of wisdom for you, I can't tell you that you should stay or leave. I know that people that love me wonder why I have continued to try and work things out with my husband. Here's why...because I still love him deeply and I'm not ready to let it go. When I get tired of trying to handle the pain, I'll give it over to God and things will change or I will leave.When I have done all that can be done and I can say to myself that there is nothing left to do.
I guess you need to find out where you are in that process, and make your decisions based on what you want and need, because it isn't about him, it's about what is best for you.
Love, cheri
"Strangely enough, wives, parents and intimate friends usually find us even more unapproachable than do the psychiatrist and the doctor.
"But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself ..." (Big Book, page 18):
"All [alcoholics] have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity" (Big Book, "Doctor's Opinion").
Within certain people, there is an actual "chemical reaction" that takes place in the brain during the metabolization of alcohol.
Take a look: http://www.qis.net/~truth/t_h_i_q_.htm