Shame and guilt are the: Feelings of embarrassment, blame and responsibility for negative circumstances that have befallen yourself or others. Feelings of regret for your real or imagined misdeeds, both past and present. Sense of remorse for thoughts, feelings, or attitudes that were or are negative, uncomplimentary, or non-accepting concerning yourself or others. Feelings of obligation for not pleasing, not helping, or not placating another. Feelings of bewilderment and lack of balance for not responding to a situation in the "correct way.'' Feelings of loss for not having done or said something to someone who is no longer available to you. Accepting of responsibility for someone else's misfortune or problem because it bothers you to see that person suffer. Motivators to amend all real or perceived wrongs. Strong moral sense of right and wrong that inhibits you from choosing a "wrong'' course of action. Driving forces or masks behind which irrational beliefs hide.

How do others play on your feelings of shame and guilt?

People can and sometimes will: Make you believe they will suffer greatly if you do not respond positively to their requests. Call on your shame and guilt to respond to their requests, even when it means violating your rights. Respond to your irrational self by reinforcing your irrational thinking, giving you a sense of blame for past, present, or future actions. Build up a verbal or imagined scenario that portrays you at fault for inaction, thus guaranteeing your sense of shame and guilt and your willingness to do anything to alleviate it. Accuse you of misdeeds, words, or actions to arouse your sense of shame and guilt and make you believe you are the one with a problem in an interpersonal relationship difficulty. (This effectively takes the pressure off them.) Reinforce your negative self-perceptions, encouraging you to be shame ridden, guilt ridden and self-judgmental for their benefit. Build a case with moral absolutes to convince you of the "right way'' to do things, avoiding that negative feeling of shame and guilt for themselves. Set up situations for you in which you will believe your alternatives are limited to that which results in the least sense of shame and guilt. Feign or fake hardship, illness, discomfort, unhappiness, incompetence, or other negative behavior to arouse your sense of shame and guilt and have you take over those tasks or duties, bringing imagined negative consequences with them. Threaten negative consequences, like going to jail, to the hospital, to the juvenile detention center, failing school, dying, or divorce. This manipulation uses your shame and guilt to benefit them.

What can shame and guilt do to you?

Shame and guilt can lead you to become:

Overresponsible. You strive to make life "right.'' You overwork. You over give of yourself. You are willing to do anything in your attempt to make everyone happy.

Over-conscientious. You fret over every action you take as to its possible negative consequence to others, even if this means that you must ignore your needs and wants.

Over-sensitive. You see decisions about right and wrong in every aspect of your life and become obsessed with the tenuous nature of all of your personal actions, words, and decisions. You are sensitive to the cues of others where any implication of your wrongdoing is intimated.

Immobilized. You can become so overcome by the fear of doing, acting, saying, or being "wrong'' that you eventually collapse, give in, and choose inactivity, silence, and the status quo.

Poor decision maker. It is so important to always be "right'' in your decisions that you become unable to make a decision lest it be a wrong one.

Hidden by the mask of self-denial. Because it is less shame and guilt inducing to take care of others first instead of yourself, you hide behind the mask of self-denial. You honestly believe it is better to serve others first, unaware that "shame'' and "guilt'' are the motivators for such "generous'' behavior.

Pulled in. You ignore the full array of emotions and feelings available to you. Overcome by shame and guilt or the fear of them, you can become emotionally blocked or closed off. You are able neither to enjoy the positive fruits of life nor experience the negative aspects.

Motivated to change. Because you feel shame and guilt and the discomfort they bring, you can use them as a barometer of the need to change things in your life and rid yourself of the shame and guilt.

Hidden by mask of negative self-belief. You may actually have self-esteem, but claim the reason for your negativity is the overwhelming sense of shame and guilt you experience.

Irrational. Because many irrational beliefs lie behind shame and guilt, you may be unable to sort out your feelings. It is important to be objective with yourself when you are experiencing shame and guilt; be sure that your decisions are based on sound, rational thinking.

Irrational thinking involved in shame and guilt feelingsI was responsible for the bad things that happened to me in my childhood. How can I face others with what happened to me? I am an awful person for that to have happened to me. I must have asked for what I got in the past. I am a bad person for what happened to me in the past. I can never tell others what happened to me in my past. I do not deserve to be happy. I am responsible for my family's (spouse's) happiness. There is only one "right'' way to do things. It's bad to feel hurt and pain. My children should never suffer in their childhood like I did in mine. My kids should have more material things than I did. It is my fault if others in my life are not happy. If my kids fail in any way, it's my responsibility. It is wrong to be concerned about myself. People are constantly judging me, and their judgment is important to me. It is important to save face with others. It is wrong to accept the negative aspects of my life without believing that I am responsible for them myself. I am responsible if either positive or negative events happen to the members of my family. I must not enjoy myself during a time when others expect me to be in mourning, grief, or loss. I must never let down my guard; something I'm doing could be evil or wrong. I must always be responsible, conscientious, and giving to others. How others perceive me is important as to how I perceive myself. No matter what I do, I am always wrong. I should never feel shame and guilt. If you feel shame and guilt, then you must be or have been wrong.

The root causes of shame are: Irrational beliefs Lack of trust in self or others Insecurity Vulnerability Pulling-in behaviors Denial of past hurts Despair over past hurts Inability to let go of the past Fear of rejection Victimization Depression Silent withdrawal of anger Overcontrol of emotion Idealism Sense of powerlessness . Sense of helplessness Need to survive

Let it all go. Let yesterday go. Live in today. Look forward to tomorrows.