I've read quite a few posts and I am impressed by your fight for sobriety.
I'm going to post my tale, succinctly and would love any suggestions.
My husband is 37 years old, always drank too much when out but never drank at home.
Eventually, he realized that he was intending on grabbing one beer and never made it home at all. He was completely functioning at that point, working, taking care of the family, a productive daddy to our 2 small children.
He checked himself into a very expensive rehab across the country and stayed for 30 days.
He said he never felt better. Finally saw things clearly. Would never drink again. Did not want to be the person that went to rehab and failed. Upon discharge he drank 2 days later---he went on a week long binge and then came home. He never binged like that before.
He got right back on the horse--AA every day, calling friends from rehab, seemed very serious. Drank 2 weeks later but did not binge and resumed AA, drank 2 weeks later--a binge in Atlantic City for days---spending ridiculous sums of money at this point too.. He called and wanted to come home and I said not unless he went back to rehab. He said he would go to rehab, he came and got his clothes, flew across the country without my knowledge and partied like a rock star for 2 weeks--spent $20,000 on a credit card. While he was out there I filed for divorce.
After the second week he started calling and begging to come home. He said he couldn't believe he was behaving this way, that he didn't know what was happening. I told him I didn't want him to come here---he made arrangements for rehab from across the country and checked into a local rehab. Stayed one day as the place was just too "dirty", in my opinion no place will be posh like the Betty Ford Center.
Started seeing a relapse specialist/addictionologist---I'm sorry I forgot to mention when he goes on binges for days he abuses coke too. He has basically been drinking since---very long binges and short periods of remorse.
He called last week crying and begging to come home. I don't want him to come home. He did stay here a couple of days---I don't like it but I really can't stop it as it is his home too. He hasn't worked since March. He searched for days for a suitable rehab. Drove to the rehab Thurs--I talked to him on the phone 3 times on his way to rehab. He asked me to allow him to give me the gift of sobriety (my birthday was a few days before). He said he was done--I could have everything if he doesn't do it this time. At 530p on Thurs said he was almost there---he loved me and eveything was going to be ok. He called a fellow addict and said he was sitting in the parking lot and couldn't go in. I haven't heard from him since--It's Sunday morning now.
He's been in Atlantic City again--I know because the fellow addict told me. He even wants him to go to rehab. I do think he's out of money at this point--his credit is destroyed, hasn't paid a credit card bill in 4-5 months. I haven't heard anything since Fri morning when I talked to his "friend".
So much for succinct. I'd love to hear any thoughts or suggestions from people that have been there. I spent many an hour on the phone with his rehab friends. I have filed for divorce, I am considering going to court to declare him incompetent so I can refinance our home and sell a rental property as he can't stay around long enough to get anything done.
I can't afford these bills on my own anymore and I'm just frightened for the future. We can't keep him in one place long enough to serve the divorce papers. He hates himself so much. He's abandoned his babies and his wife--we've been together for 21 years--we met in high school. This is just too much to bear at times.
mom to 2
Phil said
Aug 7, 2005
Hi Mom. well? We cant do it for someone else.
And Hes got to do it for himself. He just hasnt fully comprehended and accepted fully the first step.
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanagable."
This disease is cunning baffling and powerful--some of us have tried every way in the book to control it, and found out the hard way, that we couldnt.
Some of us have had to go all the way to the bottom of the barrel. Some die, or wind up in jails-or insane asylums. And never get it turned around.
The most important thing here is that you take care of you.
Alanon is a program for families and freinds of Alcoholics. We also have an Alanon board right here on this site. It will give you a better understanding of whats going on, and give you a path to follow for you.
All the best to you.
Rick said
Aug 7, 2005
PHIL SAID IT ALL
HE'S A GOOD MAN
MY COUSIN JUST LEFT HER HUSBAND, HE DECIDED TO DRINK AFTER 13 YEARS SOBER
2 DWI BILLS ETC
ALSO HER PARENTS ARE DEAD, SHE HAS 2 BROTHERS
ONE JUST GOT GOT OF REHAB FOR THE 2 TIME
THE OTHER IS IN JAIL AND SHE WANTS NO ONE TO HELP HIM OUT
SAID HE IS NUTS AND WANTS TO KILL SOMEONE BECAUSE HE IS IN THERE
IT'S BAD
I'VE ENJOYED SOME EXTENDED PERIODS OF SOBER TIME, HOWEVER I'M A NEW COMER RIGHT NOW ONLY DAY 3
DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOU.
A FEW DAYS AGO I TOLD MY WIFE IF I WAS RUINING HER LIFE TAKE THE HOUSE AND I WOULD GO DRINK ELSEWHERE. I COULD NOT STOP AT THE TIME.
I'M VERY LUCKY SHE DIDN'T TAKE ME UP ON IT
SINCERELY RICK
Nic said
Aug 7, 2005
Oh mate, it takes a bit to get this ol Aussies heart aching these days, but your story has done it. And you know what?..I think you know where you're at...You ID'd as Mom to 2, and that's exactly where your focus needs to stay.
While your mate is running ragged around the countryside turning cartwheels, there really is little you can do, but protect yourself and the kids. Am sure he is not intentionally hurting any of you, but he is hurting you all the same.
It's a mongrel disease, and I was a "traveller" too...just wandered aimlessly, from party to party - didn't matter if it happened to be on the other side of Aus...and generally had a ball...how I survived most of it, still spins my head around...but at the time I was just out there and irresponsible...thoughtless...and running from myself.
You sound pretty switched on, in terms of the practical management of things. Do whatever you need to do to protect you and the kids, both financially and emotionally...because to be perfectly honest with you...active alcoholism will never offer any protection whatsoever. Regardless of his best intentions, it still quite likely that until he has at least a years sobriety, it is very likely that he'll still be unreliable, flighty and exit easily. I was - it is hard to break the run routine and it took me a good couple of years to learn to be a friend sober, let alone clearly consider the responsibility of another human being in terms of partnerships.
Try not to hate him. The party is all a facade...a way in which to hide from our guilt, pain and failures. We keep moving so folks can't get to know us, and we return to the places where we can just exist superficially because we need to fit in somewhere. Don't pity him either...he doesn't deserve it. Drunk or sober, he's making choices. If those choices are unacceptable to you and the lifestyle change is not something you want your kids to experience or learn to accept, then honour your own values. Refer to his poor choices and remind your kids that at anytime, anyone can start doing the right thing for themselves and others. If they want to.
No one waved a magic wand over my head Mom, when all doors had closed I had no choice but face myself, admit to the shitty things I'd done, and the person I'd become...thankfully AA was there to remind me I still had a choice, and help me see it through.
There may be times when things feel hopeless, but I can hear in your words that you are not a lay down and die kind of lady. Next time he rings, blubbering or wanting money, don't talk about rehabs or alcoholism...just keep the focus on the new life you are living...the good things that are taking place around you. When you ask how he is and he says, "Aw OoKay." Just say "That's good." Rehabs and alcoholism are his problems to sort, and eventually he will sort them. When he's ready, he really won't care if the loos are grubby or the food is processed paper - He'll be there to sober up and learn to stay sober.
AA has the best recovery record in our country (I dunno about the States) but there is no rehab here, that comes close to AA's success rate. If folks want to get sober, they can and do, with AA support. I've seen many rehab addicts never make a commitment to AA, and they just get caught in this revolving door thing, where they go round and round, hopping from one clinic to the next after each relapse. If he insists on talking recovery options, just keep suggesting AA. If he can't make a commitment to 30 meetings in 30 days (then 90 in 90) wherever he happens to be at the time, then a rehab is probably just another name for hostel. If he is seriously in need of a detox, his local ER won't sent him away.
You hang in there Mom. Everything is going to be ok. You have 2 lovely kids to get you up each day, and if you feel a bit lost, just let them take the lead for a bit. They are gauranteed to show you the shortcut to having fun and laughing again.
If they are busy, or you feel a bit on your own with things, lob back in here. Phil will keep you busy trying to work out his turnip truck jokes (only took me two years), Cabbage's avatar will remind you its good to be alive, Cheri and Wendy pump out heaps of good motivational stuff, Wagon lets us know when the fish are biting and the rest of the crew add heaps of life to life as it is. I'm glad you found us.
I wish you peace.
GammyRose said
Aug 7, 2005
Hi Mom, As an alcoholic who has been sober 20 years, I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol.
As a wife of a alcoholic I had to admit I was powerless over the alcoholic. Learned how to do that in Al-anon.
My husband and I will have been married 22 years this month, We've know each other almost 25 years. He went to rehab in 1993,94, 99. Has been to jail many times, recently served time for felony DUI, and will be going back for violation of probation.
He's a wonderful man, with a terrible disease. He did kick the cocaine addition he had in rehab in 93. A blessing....
Today I know, I didn't cause his drinking, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. Today, I will take care of me and do what I need to do for myself. I will not try to make him feel guilty, I will try to be compassionate, and detach with love, and I will be responsible for my actions.
Please find an Al-anon meeting. It will give you back your life.
(((Hugs)))
GammyRose
Bobby Dean said
Aug 7, 2005
Hi Mom,
While I was reading your post I realized I was reading part of my own story. I really don't have a lot to add to what Phil suggested. I can however share a little experience, strength and hope from my own story.
I to drifted in and out of AA and Treatment centers searching for something that would solve the problems in my life. (notice I said my problems not my Alcohol consumption!) I believed that if I could just get a handle on lifes problems that I would be Ok. While I was bouncing in and out of Treatment centers looking for the cure to fix my problems, my wife, son, mother, brothers and sisters and all of my friends were beginning to put distance between me and them. I didn't even notice! because as my Big Book book says, My Alcoholic life seemed the only normal one, and I was restless, irritable and discontented, until I could again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. (BB pg, XXVI last paragraph--pg, XXVII first part of first paragraph.)
After each attempt and after each failure, my self confidence, self esteem, and outlook on life diminished more and more. Finally I was defeated, I knew with certainty I was mentally, spiritually, and finally physically Bankrupt. I knew with certainty to keep going the way I was I would Die. And the worst part is I would Die Alone!!! At that point I gave up, as the BB says I ceased fighting anything or anybody. After much prayer to my higher power I checked in again at a Rehab. I didn't care if my wife left me, I didn't care if I lost everything I own, I didn't care what people thought. for the first time in many years I felt a sense of peace.
This was 9-1/2 years ago, Feb 1, 1996. today I enjoy life, today I look forward to each and every day God awakens me to face a new day. today I feel like this day has more right things than wrong things happen.
I'm so Sorry this was so long but when I start to share God tells me when to stop. take Heart Mom thing will work out if we have faith, it may not work out like we like it but after a time we will see, That God is doing for us, What we could not do for ourselves.
Praying for you and your family,
Bobby dean!
mom to 2 said
Aug 7, 2005
Thank you all for your replies.
Nic, I cried throughout your post--you sound alot like my husband and you found recovery.
He's lost to us right now and I have to live with that. My children are my life--they are 3 1/2 and 20 months old. They keep me sane and crazy at the same time.
I am strong willed and I have a great paying job and we will be fine. I just wanted my babies to be raised with 2 parents in a happy and healthy home---and that just isn't happenin' right now. It's best that he stays away so my babies don't have to live with a drunk person--they don't even know what drunk is.
What do I say when he says he wants to come home?? I don't want him in and out of the house ad lib. It's recovery or nothing at all for me. Any suggestions. I could change the locks but that would infuriate him and I don't want a scene in front of my children. He is not abusive in any way but I know he could be provoked and I'm not going to do that. He hates no one but himself.
That's get me thinking about alot of addicts I've read about. They seem to be abusive to their spouses. Trying to lower their self esteem and keep them under lock an key. My husband is nothing like that---he is not controlling in any way, praises me as a wife and mother, has nothing bad to say to me--only about himself. I'm reaching here, is that a good sign?
btw I am a member of alanon--I read and respond to posts regularly and get alot of support and hope there. I don't get to ftf meetings as I should--babysitting issues. Working on that.
Rick-
I've been reading your posts over the last several days. I hope you succeed. When I read about how others stuggle I do feel for my husband. I know he doesn't want to be like this. This is exactly how he didn't want to be. Being a good father was very impt to him and he's failing as a father right now.
Thanks for the support.
mom to 2
mom to 2 said
Aug 7, 2005
Bobby Dean,
Your post wasn't there when I posted the last time.
Thank you for your story. It does sound like my husband alot. He has been awakened to his inner turmoil and I think he's running from it now. He has no self esteem right now. Yet he dresses himself up and talks grandiosity with a bunch of other addicts. It's sad and pathetic and he recognizes it some of the time.
I found hope in your post for his recovery. Are you with your family now?
mom to 2
Bobby Dean said
Aug 7, 2005
Hi Again Mom,
By the Grace of God and the Folks of Alcoholics Anonymous, My wife decided to give me another chance. For keeping everything together when I was drinking, and her continued support of my recovery I have found a new respect for Karen. I have always loved her but this deep seated Love and Respect I have discovered for her is still new to me. Every day I awake is a new day for me for us. And again as The BB tells me is, given to me free the only requirement being to follow a few simple suggestions.
Nic said
Aug 7, 2005
Quote:
What do I say when he says he wants to come home?? I don't want him in and out of the house ad lib. It's recovery or nothing at all for me. Any suggestions. I could change the locks but that would infuriate him and I don't want a scene in front of my children. He is not abusive in any way but I know he could be provoked and I'm not going to do that. He hates no one but himself.
Part of getting responsible, means we have to face the fact we have damaged our relationships, diminished other peoples trust in us, upset peoples lifestyles and put selfish demands on people. It is not unreasonable to ask your husband to re-establish those things, by making real amends through changes in his own behaviour. Trust can't be restored over night.
It is ok to tell him you understand things are all over the place in his world, and that you have pulled things together at your end, and the kids and you now have a manageable routine that he needs to understand too. Honesty encourages honesty. Maybe explain to him, how when he comes and goes it disturbs or effects the kids and you all really need to feel secure in where you're at. Let him know how upside down everything feels when he blows in and then blows out again.
I don't doubt he's a good guy. We are all good folks once we start acknowledging our good bits and concentrating on them. Maybe he just needs a bit of a reminder that there is more to family life than constantly having to worry about him and his shinanigans...and he's missing out on it as long as he keeps it up. If he can take the best of both worlds, he probably will. If you don't want him lobbing in and out, you will have to say No. If he forces the issue and starts going on about his rights to the house and fatherhood, then maybe you might want to consider setting you and the kids up in a place of your own. Hopefully though, he will try to understand, when he realises that you are offering him the same understanding, and the opportunity to return has always been there - you just don't want to live with an active alkie.
I'm on the other side of the world Mum, and its 2.30am, so I have to hit the sack. I hope you have a good day. Each day we get stronger and find more to smile at. Things do get better and you are not alone with things. There are lots of Mum's here who will relate to the sane/crazy aspect of raising the next generation. Mine are 12 and 13 and a barrel of laughs one minute and mini tornados the next. They decided to redecorate their rooms today and everything came out...I now have an entrance hall full of stuff they no longer want and a lounge room I have to pole jump through. Tis fun aint it?
You keep smiling. Everything is going to be ok.
wagon said
Aug 7, 2005
hi mom. as someone has probably told u in all the post .were not bad people tring to be better . we are sick people tring to get well. i pray that your husband will soon see that u need him so badly.for u and your children. i drank the whole time my boys were growing up and missed alot in there lifes icannot get that back it makes me sick how booze took so much from me i fianlly got help with aa and this forum .and going on 7 months sober.it can work and there is hope just keep praying .my wife stuck with me for some reason.and getting my boys back is going to take a long time may god bless u wagon
Dave Harm said
Aug 7, 2005
An alcoholics best "tool" is manipulation, it is where all our power comes from. If we can make our loved ones change their mind - just once - we still have all the power. What you say to an alcoholic most be honest - no room for debate. If your husband is not welcomed in your home - then he is not welcomed, no matter what the sob story is.
You most "say what you mean and mean what you say." ALWAYS stay with what you say.
I say this from experience, my ex-wife would say something, then a couple of hours later, I'd have her saying something else. After I achieved sobriety, is when I divorced her, she was the worst thing for my sobriety. She couldn't be honest or keep her word.
Protect your kids at all costs - he got himself into this mess, don't let him drag you down, too.
Best wishes,
In my thoughts and prayers,
Dave Harm
creating dreams
-- Edited by Dave Harm at 13:33, 2005-08-07
mom to 2 said
Aug 7, 2005
Thank you Nic on the other side of the world--I enjoyed your reply.
Wagon, Thank you too. It's great to hear from others who survived and turned it around.
Dave,
I've learned so much from this process. I used to say "if you drink again..."or "I'll leave you if it happens again" then things were fine for awhile and it all happened again---I'm referring to a minor incident compared to these days. I didn't understand about alcoholism then--I didn't understand the progressiveness of the disease and I wasn't even sure if he was an alcoholic.
Well, I know he's an alcoholic and I understand the progressiveness now and I know the end result will be sobriety, incarceration, insanity or death.
I mean it when I tell him I don't want him here. He knows I mean it and he understands and usually respects those wishes--it also allows him an excuse to stay out. I don't care about that. But when it comes to an end--when he can't drink anymore for a period of time that's when he comes home anyway despite me asking him not to. I've been told by my attorney that he is legally allowed to do so unless I have the courts evict him from our home. I am trying not to go there. If he too gets an attorney whispering in his ear about his rights, etc I'm afraid things will get more ugly than they already are.
Our finances are difficult as I am the only one working. In view of the fact that the home is not unsafe I am trying not to leave the house. If necessary I'll sell it and move out but I'm trying not to do that either since I love our house and will never be able to afford anything like it in this market. And I can't sell it without his permission. He refuses to sell it, refinance it--he can't buy me out, what does he want me to do?? He's such a f---ing mess. And he keeps getting worse. Where is that bottom they speak of??
I had a light bulb moment today. I've been focusing on the fact that he is expressing a desire to get help--but despite the fact that he's trying to get sober he's failing and he refuses to accept that he may not get sober.
So when this binge ends-I'll get a phone call begging to come home and I'll say no and he'll say I have nowhere to go and I'll say go back to where you've been for a week and he'll say I'll die if I go back and I'll say that's your choice and he'll get upset about it and then he'll come here anyway---somehow that sounds funny in writing but it sucks. Then he'll come in and I'll say I don't want you here and he'll say I need to be here--you know the cycle. I don't want to have my children witness fights, yelling and I know he will be gone rather quickly these days despite his promises. I'm sort of hanging on for the bottom--maybe jail or something where he'll be somewhat forced to examine his life--maybe he'll have his own lightbulb moment. And so it goes.
mom to 2
GammyRose said
Aug 7, 2005
Mom, It's so good to hear you are in Al-anon. Do you have a sponsor?You said you don't get to many f2f meeting, please try too.
I heard a lot of projecting in your last post, a place we need to stay away from, a waste of time, when the monkeys in my mind start jumping around , I have to call someone in the program, or post as you have been doing, and get to meetings.
Dave was right say what you mean and mean what you say, but you don't have to say it mean. We are responsible for our part in things, I have to take the "bla" out of blame and leave the "me".
I know you want to understand the alcoholic mind, body and soul, but you will never be able too. Why do I say that because , I think most alcoholics don't really understand it, I know it took a spiritual awakening for me to get sober, I found that, not through a family member, another human, but through a release of my will to God and by His grace, I was set free.
Nic, gave you great insight, as did others. Concentrate on you and the kids. I raised my kids basically by myself,do they respect their Dad, not really. Do they love him, they try, because they were raised to have compassion and to care. They are productive human beings,and they are living life on lifes terms, and they know what alcoholism is, because they were taught about the disease. Al-anon has a book for children, I think it is " What is a drunk", I read it to both of my children when they were old enough to understand.
Keep the focus on you and the kids. I know your "ism" is the alcoholic, but it doesn't have to be. When you surrender your will to a Higher Power you will have the answers you need.
(((Hugs)))
GammyRose
cheri said
Aug 7, 2005
Mom...
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Unfortunately, you may need to evict your husband from your house, and yeah, that sucks. But there is absolutely no reason in the world for you to move two babies out of your house because their father is in and out. You need to do what is best for you and your children...and maybe that's the bottom he needs to hit...no where to go when he's trying to dry out.The BB says...Job or no job--wife or no wife--we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.pp 98
I'll be thinking of you...
Love, cheri
wantneeda said
Aug 8, 2005
hi mom,
i too am an alkie, in recovery. thank God
i'm also a mom. of 2 beautiful girls, 11 and 16. I was a single mom 4 years ago running rampant in self will, caring nothing about nothing except booze and drugs, least of all my self. If i can't care for myself how could i possibly care for my girls. They came to me one day and said "mom? we're going to live with Dad" i didn't see the wake up call i was getting, actually i chose not to, i took the opportunity to dive into my addiction and lived basically on the streets for 3 and some years. It took that long for me to hit my bottom. Only God kept me alive.
i hear stories of others who lost their kids to the system and what a fight they are in to get them back. How fortunate i am to not have to go through that. My oldest lives with me now and my youngest still is with her dad, i'm ok with that, i have to be.
I couldn't get clean and sober for my girls, or a man or my family i had to do it for myself. When i went to my first treatment center i knew even before i finished that i wasn't done using. I went back out for another 6 months. I'll never forget the day i got an e-mail from my oldest daughter telling me she couldn't talk to or deal with me anymore she had to move on with her life. Oh how i hurt, but i really couldn't see through the thick fog my mind, body and spirit lived in. My guilt and shame kept me out there. I almost surrendered to that life. I to remember that day. sitting and thinking to myself...this is it...this is my life, I've lost everything and everyone and this is how its going to be for the rest of my life. I accepted i am an addict but i didn't know i had to surrender to win. I didn't know there was a way out or another way to live. When my family turned their backs on me i turned my back on myself even more. At 10:30 am on june 9th, 2004 i used my last drug and drank my last beer. I got beat up by my 'boyfriend' and i haven't looked back since. Actually tomorrow will be 14 months for me, providing i look after today.
today i'm grateful that my girls and my family turned their backs on me, or i'd still be out there, manipulating, self-seeking and self-loathing.
yes, you must put yourself first. and your babies.
An addicts way of thinking is this: tell me what to do and i WILL NOT DO IT.
i'm so glad you are here with us
hugs, Wendy
mom to 2 said
Aug 8, 2005
Thank you all.
Wendy,
I am touched by your honesty. Gammy said I want to understand alcoholism and that's true. I'm analytical and scientific by nature--and this just doesn't make sense. 5 months ago my husband actually looked forward to taking our babies to chuck e cheese---he liked it. He drank too much some of the time---not even close to all of the time. I'm just simply heartbroken and I don't know what to do when my 3 year old asks about his daddy.
I know my most important role here is to take care of myself and my children. I can't help but be so concerned for my husband's future.
He called last night after 3 days and said he was going to rehab today. I didn't hear anything more today. And on it goes.
I carry on here and pray that he will find recovery.
Your story is an inspiration to others. Continued sobriety.
Hello all,
I've read quite a few posts and I am impressed by your fight for sobriety.
I'm going to post my tale, succinctly and would love any suggestions.
My husband is 37 years old, always drank too much when out but never drank at home.
Eventually, he realized that he was intending on grabbing one beer and never made it home at all. He was completely functioning at that point, working, taking care of the family, a productive daddy to our 2 small children.
He checked himself into a very expensive rehab across the country and stayed for 30 days.
He said he never felt better. Finally saw things clearly. Would never drink again. Did not want to be the person that went to rehab and failed. Upon discharge he drank 2 days later---he went on a week long binge and then came home. He never binged like that before.
He got right back on the horse--AA every day, calling friends from rehab, seemed very serious. Drank 2 weeks later but did not binge and resumed AA, drank 2 weeks later--a binge in Atlantic City for days---spending ridiculous sums of money at this point too.. He called and wanted to come home and I said not unless he went back to rehab. He said he would go to rehab, he came and got his clothes, flew across the country without my knowledge and partied like a rock star for 2 weeks--spent $20,000 on a credit card. While he was out there I filed for divorce.
After the second week he started calling and begging to come home. He said he couldn't believe he was behaving this way, that he didn't know what was happening. I told him I didn't want him to come here---he made arrangements for rehab from across the country and checked into a local rehab. Stayed one day as the place was just too "dirty", in my opinion no place will be posh like the Betty Ford Center.
Started seeing a relapse specialist/addictionologist---I'm sorry I forgot to mention when he goes on binges for days he abuses coke too. He has basically been drinking since---very long binges and short periods of remorse.
He called last week crying and begging to come home. I don't want him to come home. He did stay here a couple of days---I don't like it but I really can't stop it as it is his home too. He hasn't worked since March. He searched for days for a suitable rehab. Drove to the rehab Thurs--I talked to him on the phone 3 times on his way to rehab. He asked me to allow him to give me the gift of sobriety (my birthday was a few days before). He said he was done--I could have everything if he doesn't do it this time. At 530p on Thurs said he was almost there---he loved me and eveything was going to be ok. He called a fellow addict and said he was sitting in the parking lot and couldn't go in. I haven't heard from him since--It's Sunday morning now.
He's been in Atlantic City again--I know because the fellow addict told me. He even wants him to go to rehab. I do think he's out of money at this point--his credit is destroyed, hasn't paid a credit card bill in 4-5 months. I haven't heard anything since Fri morning when I talked to his "friend".
So much for succinct. I'd love to hear any thoughts or suggestions from people that have been there. I spent many an hour on the phone with his rehab friends. I have filed for divorce, I am considering going to court to declare him incompetent so I can refinance our home and sell a rental property as he can't stay around long enough to get anything done.
I can't afford these bills on my own anymore and I'm just frightened for the future. We can't keep him in one place long enough to serve the divorce papers. He hates himself so much. He's abandoned his babies and his wife--we've been together for 21 years--we met in high school. This is just too much to bear at times.
mom to 2
Hi Mom. well? We cant do it for someone else.
And Hes got to do it for himself. He just hasnt fully comprehended and accepted fully the first step.
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanagable."
This disease is cunning baffling and powerful--some of us have tried every way in the book to control it, and found out the hard way, that we couldnt.
Some of us have had to go all the way to the bottom of the barrel. Some die, or wind up in jails-or insane asylums. And never get it turned around.
The most important thing here is that you take care of you.
Alanon is a program for families and freinds of Alcoholics. We also have an Alanon board right here on this site. It will give you a better understanding of whats going on, and give you a path to follow for you.
All the best to you.
PHIL SAID IT ALL
HE'S A GOOD MAN
MY COUSIN JUST LEFT HER HUSBAND, HE DECIDED TO DRINK AFTER 13 YEARS SOBER
2 DWI BILLS ETC
ALSO HER PARENTS ARE DEAD, SHE HAS 2 BROTHERS
ONE JUST GOT GOT OF REHAB FOR THE 2 TIME
THE OTHER IS IN JAIL AND SHE WANTS NO ONE TO HELP HIM OUT
SAID HE IS NUTS AND WANTS TO KILL SOMEONE BECAUSE HE IS IN THERE
IT'S BAD
I'VE ENJOYED SOME EXTENDED PERIODS OF SOBER TIME, HOWEVER I'M A NEW COMER RIGHT NOW ONLY DAY 3
DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOU.
A FEW DAYS AGO I TOLD MY WIFE IF I WAS RUINING HER LIFE TAKE THE HOUSE AND I WOULD GO DRINK ELSEWHERE. I COULD NOT STOP AT THE TIME.
I'M VERY LUCKY SHE DIDN'T TAKE ME UP ON IT
SINCERELY RICK
Oh mate, it takes a bit to get this ol Aussies heart aching these days, but your story has done it. And you know what?..I think you know where you're at...You ID'd as Mom to 2, and that's exactly where your focus needs to stay.
While your mate is running ragged around the countryside turning cartwheels, there really is little you can do, but protect yourself and the kids. Am sure he is not intentionally hurting any of you, but he is hurting you all the same.
It's a mongrel disease, and I was a "traveller" too...just wandered aimlessly, from party to party - didn't matter if it happened to be on the other side of Aus...and generally had a ball...how I survived most of it, still spins my head around...but at the time I was just out there and irresponsible...thoughtless...and running from myself.
You sound pretty switched on, in terms of the practical management of things. Do whatever you need to do to protect you and the kids, both financially and emotionally...because to be perfectly honest with you...active alcoholism will never offer any protection whatsoever. Regardless of his best intentions, it still quite likely that until he has at least a years sobriety, it is very likely that he'll still be unreliable, flighty and exit easily. I was - it is hard to break the run routine and it took me a good couple of years to learn to be a friend sober, let alone clearly consider the responsibility of another human being in terms of partnerships.
Try not to hate him. The party is all a facade...a way in which to hide from our guilt, pain and failures. We keep moving so folks can't get to know us, and we return to the places where we can just exist superficially because we need to fit in somewhere. Don't pity him either...he doesn't deserve it. Drunk or sober, he's making choices. If those choices are unacceptable to you and the lifestyle change is not something you want your kids to experience or learn to accept, then honour your own values. Refer to his poor choices and remind your kids that at anytime, anyone can start doing the right thing for themselves and others. If they want to.
No one waved a magic wand over my head Mom, when all doors had closed I had no choice but face myself, admit to the shitty things I'd done, and the person I'd become...thankfully AA was there to remind me I still had a choice, and help me see it through.
There may be times when things feel hopeless, but I can hear in your words that you are not a lay down and die kind of lady. Next time he rings, blubbering or wanting money, don't talk about rehabs or alcoholism...just keep the focus on the new life you are living...the good things that are taking place around you. When you ask how he is and he says, "Aw OoKay." Just say "That's good." Rehabs and alcoholism are his problems to sort, and eventually he will sort them. When he's ready, he really won't care if the loos are grubby or the food is processed paper - He'll be there to sober up and learn to stay sober.
AA has the best recovery record in our country (I dunno about the States) but there is no rehab here, that comes close to AA's success rate. If folks want to get sober, they can and do, with AA support. I've seen many rehab addicts never make a commitment to AA, and they just get caught in this revolving door thing, where they go round and round, hopping from one clinic to the next after each relapse. If he insists on talking recovery options, just keep suggesting AA. If he can't make a commitment to 30 meetings in 30 days (then 90 in 90) wherever he happens to be at the time, then a rehab is probably just another name for hostel. If he is seriously in need of a detox, his local ER won't sent him away.
You hang in there Mom. Everything is going to be ok. You have 2 lovely kids to get you up each day, and if you feel a bit lost, just let them take the lead for a bit. They are gauranteed to show you the shortcut to having fun and laughing again.
If they are busy, or you feel a bit on your own with things, lob back in here. Phil will keep you busy trying to work out his turnip truck jokes (only took me two years
), Cabbage's avatar will remind you its good to be alive, Cheri and Wendy pump out heaps of good motivational stuff, Wagon lets us know when the fish are biting and the rest of the crew add heaps of life to life as it is. I'm glad you found us.
I wish you peace.
Hi Mom, As an alcoholic who has been sober 20 years, I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol.
As a wife of a alcoholic I had to admit I was powerless over the alcoholic. Learned how to do that in Al-anon.
My husband and I will have been married 22 years this month, We've know each other almost 25 years. He went to rehab in 1993,94, 99. Has been to jail many times, recently served time for felony DUI, and will be going back for violation of probation.
He's a wonderful man, with a terrible disease. He did kick the cocaine addition he had in rehab in 93. A blessing....
Today I know, I didn't cause his drinking, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. Today, I will take care of me and do what I need to do for myself. I will not try to make him feel guilty, I will try to be compassionate, and detach with love, and I will be responsible for my actions.
Please find an Al-anon meeting. It will give you back your life.
(((Hugs)))
GammyRose
Hi Mom,
While I was reading your post I realized I was reading part of my own story. I really don't have a lot to add to what Phil suggested. I can however share a little experience, strength and hope from my own story.
I to drifted in and out of AA and Treatment centers searching for something that would solve the problems in my life. (notice I said my problems not my Alcohol consumption!) I believed that if I could just get a handle on lifes problems that I would be Ok. While I was bouncing in and out of Treatment centers looking for the cure to fix my problems, my wife, son, mother, brothers and sisters and all of my friends were beginning to put distance between me and them. I didn't even notice! because as my Big Book book says, My Alcoholic life seemed the only normal one, and I was restless, irritable and discontented, until I could again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. (BB pg, XXVI last paragraph--pg, XXVII first part of first paragraph.)
After each attempt and after each failure, my self confidence, self esteem, and outlook on life diminished more and more. Finally I was defeated, I knew with certainty I was mentally, spiritually, and finally physically Bankrupt. I knew with certainty to keep going the way I was I would Die. And the worst part is I would Die Alone!!! At that point I gave up, as the BB says I ceased fighting anything or anybody. After much prayer to my higher power I checked in again at a Rehab. I didn't care if my wife left me, I didn't care if I lost everything I own, I didn't care what people thought. for the first time in many years I felt a sense of peace.
This was 9-1/2 years ago, Feb 1, 1996. today I enjoy life, today I look forward to each and every day God awakens me to face a new day. today I feel like this day has more right things than wrong things happen.
I'm so Sorry this was so long but when I start to share God tells me when to stop. take Heart Mom thing will work out if we have faith, it may not work out like we like it but after a time we will see, That God is doing for us, What we could not do for ourselves.
Praying for you and your family,
Bobby dean!
Thank you all for your replies.
Nic, I cried throughout your post--you sound alot like my husband and you found recovery.
He's lost to us right now and I have to live with that. My children are my life--they are 3 1/2 and 20 months old. They keep me sane and crazy at the same time.
I am strong willed and I have a great paying job and we will be fine. I just wanted my babies to be raised with 2 parents in a happy and healthy home---and that just isn't happenin' right now. It's best that he stays away so my babies don't have to live with a drunk person--they don't even know what drunk is.
What do I say when he says he wants to come home?? I don't want him in and out of the house ad lib. It's recovery or nothing at all for me. Any suggestions. I could change the locks but that would infuriate him and I don't want a scene in front of my children. He is not abusive in any way but I know he could be provoked and I'm not going to do that. He hates no one but himself.
That's get me thinking about alot of addicts I've read about. They seem to be abusive to their spouses. Trying to lower their self esteem and keep them under lock an key. My husband is nothing like that---he is not controlling in any way, praises me as a wife and mother, has nothing bad to say to me--only about himself. I'm reaching here, is that a good sign?
btw I am a member of alanon--I read and respond to posts regularly and get alot of support and hope there. I don't get to ftf meetings as I should--babysitting issues. Working on that.
Rick-
I've been reading your posts over the last several days. I hope you succeed. When I read about how others stuggle I do feel for my husband. I know he doesn't want to be like this. This is exactly how he didn't want to be. Being a good father was very impt to him and he's failing as a father right now.
Thanks for the support.
mom to 2
Bobby Dean,
Your post wasn't there when I posted the last time.
Thank you for your story. It does sound like my husband alot. He has been awakened to his inner turmoil and I think he's running from it now. He has no self esteem right now. Yet he dresses himself up and talks grandiosity with a bunch of other addicts. It's sad and pathetic and he recognizes it some of the time.
I found hope in your post for his recovery. Are you with your family now?
mom to 2
Hi Again Mom,
By the Grace of God and the Folks of Alcoholics Anonymous, My wife decided to give me another chance. For keeping everything together when I was drinking, and her continued support of my recovery I have found a new respect for Karen. I have always loved her but this deep seated Love and Respect I have discovered for her is still new to me. Every day I awake is a new day for me for us. And again as The BB tells me is, given to me free the only requirement being to follow a few simple suggestions.
Quote:
What do I say when he says he wants to come home?? I don't want him in and out of the house ad lib. It's recovery or nothing at all for me. Any suggestions. I could change the locks but that would infuriate him and I don't want a scene in front of my children. He is not abusive in any way but I know he could be provoked and I'm not going to do that. He hates no one but himself.
Part of getting responsible, means we have to face the fact we have damaged our relationships, diminished other peoples trust in us, upset peoples lifestyles and put selfish demands on people. It is not unreasonable to ask your husband to re-establish those things, by making real amends through changes in his own behaviour. Trust can't be restored over night.
It is ok to tell him you understand things are all over the place in his world, and that you have pulled things together at your end, and the kids and you now have a manageable routine that he needs to understand too. Honesty encourages honesty. Maybe explain to him, how when he comes and goes it disturbs or effects the kids and you all really need to feel secure in where you're at. Let him know how upside down everything feels when he blows in and then blows out again.
I don't doubt he's a good guy. We are all good folks once we start acknowledging our good bits and concentrating on them. Maybe he just needs a bit of a reminder that there is more to family life than constantly having to worry about him and his shinanigans...and he's missing out on it as long as he keeps it up. If he can take the best of both worlds, he probably will. If you don't want him lobbing in and out, you will have to say No. If he forces the issue and starts going on about his rights to the house and fatherhood, then maybe you might want to consider setting you and the kids up in a place of your own. Hopefully though, he will try to understand, when he realises that you are offering him the same understanding, and the opportunity to return has always been there - you just don't want to live with an active alkie.
I'm on the other side of the world Mum, and its 2.30am, so I have to hit the sack. I hope you have a good day. Each day we get stronger and find more to smile at. Things do get better and you are not alone with things. There are lots of Mum's here who will relate to the sane/crazy aspect of raising the next generation. Mine are 12 and 13 and a barrel of laughs one minute and mini tornados the next. They decided to redecorate their rooms today and everything came out...I now have an entrance hall full of stuff they no longer want and a lounge room I have to pole jump through. Tis fun aint it?
You keep smiling. Everything is going to be ok.
-- Edited by Dave Harm at 13:33, 2005-08-07
Thank you Nic on the other side of the world--I enjoyed your reply.
Wagon, Thank you too. It's great to hear from others who survived and turned it around.
Dave,
I've learned so much from this process. I used to say "if you drink again..."or "I'll leave you if it happens again" then things were fine for awhile and it all happened again---I'm referring to a minor incident compared to these days. I didn't understand about alcoholism then--I didn't understand the progressiveness of the disease and I wasn't even sure if he was an alcoholic.
Well, I know he's an alcoholic and I understand the progressiveness now and I know the end result will be sobriety, incarceration, insanity or death.
I mean it when I tell him I don't want him here. He knows I mean it and he understands and usually respects those wishes--it also allows him an excuse to stay out. I don't care about that. But when it comes to an end--when he can't drink anymore for a period of time that's when he comes home anyway despite me asking him not to. I've been told by my attorney that he is legally allowed to do so unless I have the courts evict him from our home. I am trying not to go there. If he too gets an attorney whispering in his ear about his rights, etc I'm afraid things will get more ugly than they already are.
Our finances are difficult as I am the only one working. In view of the fact that the home is not unsafe I am trying not to leave the house. If necessary I'll sell it and move out but I'm trying not to do that either since I love our house and will never be able to afford anything like it in this market. And I can't sell it without his permission. He refuses to sell it, refinance it--he can't buy me out, what does he want me to do?? He's such a f---ing mess. And he keeps getting worse. Where is that bottom they speak of??
I had a light bulb moment today. I've been focusing on the fact that he is expressing a desire to get help--but despite the fact that he's trying to get sober he's failing and he refuses to accept that he may not get sober.
So when this binge ends-I'll get a phone call begging to come home and I'll say no and he'll say I have nowhere to go and I'll say go back to where you've been for a week and he'll say I'll die if I go back and I'll say that's your choice and he'll get upset about it and then he'll come here anyway---somehow that sounds funny in writing but it sucks. Then he'll come in and I'll say I don't want you here and he'll say I need to be here--you know the cycle. I don't want to have my children witness fights, yelling and I know he will be gone rather quickly these days despite his promises. I'm sort of hanging on for the bottom--maybe jail or something where he'll be somewhat forced to examine his life--maybe he'll have his own lightbulb moment. And so it goes.
mom to 2
Mom, It's so good to hear you are in Al-anon. Do you have a sponsor?You said you don't get to many f2f meeting, please try too.
I heard a lot of projecting in your last post, a place we need to stay away from, a waste of time, when the monkeys in my mind start jumping around , I have to call someone in the program, or post as you have been doing, and get to meetings.
Dave was right say what you mean and mean what you say, but you don't have to say it mean. We are responsible for our part in things, I have to take the "bla" out of blame and leave the "me".
I know you want to understand the alcoholic mind, body and soul, but you will never be able too. Why do I say that because , I think most alcoholics don't really understand it, I know it took a spiritual awakening for me to get sober, I found that, not through a family member, another human, but through a release of my will to God and by His grace, I was set free.
Nic, gave you great insight, as did others. Concentrate on you and the kids. I raised my kids basically by myself,do they respect their Dad, not really. Do they love him, they try, because they were raised to have compassion and to care. They are productive human beings,and they are living life on lifes terms, and they know what alcoholism is, because they were taught about the disease. Al-anon has a book for children, I think it is " What is a drunk", I read it to both of my children when they were old enough to understand.
Keep the focus on you and the kids. I know your "ism" is the alcoholic, but it doesn't have to be. When you surrender your will to a Higher Power you will have the answers you need.
(((Hugs)))
GammyRose
Mom...
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Unfortunately, you may need to evict your husband from your house, and yeah, that sucks. But there is absolutely no reason in the world for you to move two babies out of your house because their father is in and out. You need to do what is best for you and your children...and maybe that's the bottom he needs to hit...no where to go when he's trying to dry out.The BB says...Job or no job--wife or no wife--we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.pp 98
I'll be thinking of you...
Love, cheri
hi mom,
i too am an alkie, in recovery. thank God
i'm also a mom. of 2 beautiful girls, 11 and 16. I was a single mom 4 years ago running rampant in self will, caring nothing about nothing except booze and drugs, least of all my self. If i can't care for myself how could i possibly care for my girls. They came to me one day and said "mom? we're going to live with Dad" i didn't see the wake up call i was getting, actually i chose not to, i took the opportunity to dive into my addiction and lived basically on the streets for 3 and some years. It took that long for me to hit my bottom. Only God kept me alive.
i hear stories of others who lost their kids to the system and what a fight they are in to get them back. How fortunate i am to not have to go through that. My oldest lives with me now and my youngest still is with her dad, i'm ok with that, i have to be.
I couldn't get clean and sober for my girls, or a man or my family i had to do it for myself. When i went to my first treatment center i knew even before i finished that i wasn't done using. I went back out for another 6 months. I'll never forget the day i got an e-mail from my oldest daughter telling me she couldn't talk to or deal with me anymore she had to move on with her life. Oh how i hurt, but i really couldn't see through the thick fog my mind, body and spirit lived in. My guilt and shame kept me out there. I almost surrendered to that life. I to remember that day. sitting and thinking to myself...this is it...this is my life, I've lost everything and everyone and this is how its going to be for the rest of my life. I accepted i am an addict but i didn't know i had to surrender to win. I didn't know there was a way out or another way to live. When my family turned their backs on me i turned my back on myself even more. At 10:30 am on june 9th, 2004 i used my last drug and drank my last beer. I got beat up by my 'boyfriend' and i haven't looked back since. Actually tomorrow will be 14 months for me, providing i look after today.
today i'm grateful that my girls and my family turned their backs on me, or i'd still be out there, manipulating, self-seeking and self-loathing.
yes, you must put yourself first. and your babies.
An addicts way of thinking is this: tell me what to do and i WILL NOT DO IT.
i'm so glad you are here with us
hugs, Wendy
Thank you all.
Wendy,
I am touched by your honesty. Gammy said I want to understand alcoholism and that's true. I'm analytical and scientific by nature--and this just doesn't make sense. 5 months ago my husband actually looked forward to taking our babies to chuck e cheese---he liked it. He drank too much some of the time---not even close to all of the time. I'm just simply heartbroken and I don't know what to do when my 3 year old asks about his daddy.
I know my most important role here is to take care of myself and my children. I can't help but be so concerned for my husband's future.
He called last night after 3 days and said he was going to rehab today. I didn't hear anything more today. And on it goes.
I carry on here and pray that he will find recovery.
Your story is an inspiration to others. Continued sobriety.
mom to 2