Thanks Wendy for your continueing to post the "great day for recovery" I really do love them and it's Perfect  for me right now.  I really need it.  But in MY case, Tomorrow is a great day for recovery.

I TRIED to surrender last night from my slip on Thursday, couldn't do it. Then tonight, tried again, still couldn't do it. And I felt sooo dishonest. So, All the way home from a meeting I kept thinking HOW am I gonna "own this one" HOW??  So, my answer is this: drink tonight, surrender tomorrow. I know I know probably the dumbest thing you've ever heard, but not the dumbest thing I've ever thought or done...........

 

It hit me this evening how screwed up I REALLY AM. My first memories are of about 5 yrs old and I realized today how uncomfortable I was then. and that feeling has never left. I have some wonderful people in my life who tell me how special I am, how I've got my shit together - I have a career, I also own a business, a mortgage, a great kid, a f'd up family that I try to "handle" and am commended on how well I manage that, (I'm a functioning drunk I guess). I really do have a lot more going for me than some and I am grateful for this. And I try so hard. I truly believe the saying "but for the grace of God".  But I still dont FEEL worth shit. I never fit in. I get what I think I want and then find out all too soon I don't want it. I'm still waiting for my life to begin ......... I knew the first 30 days were too easy......... I became that complacent that quick.

So, I will finish my beer tonight, (I have  ONE pint only) and will get to the 8:30 "darkside" meeting as we call it in the morning and surrender once again.

 Sorry for letting anyone down. Especially myself

 

Love you all.

"op"

p.s. I forgot to kick my own ass, apparently!!

 

 

Old Pro,

My prayers are with you

Please take care of your-self!!!!!!!!!!

"Tomorrow is a brand new day!!!!!!!!

Nancy Jo

 

 

 

Jennifer...

Do you want to stay sober on Sunday? Get up, say your morning prayers and ask God to send you someone. Go to the meeting and ask the first woman you see to spend the day with you today. Tell her why...Be honest and tell her that you are trying to keep from drinking today. If she is not available, ask the next woman you see. Spend the day with other alcoholics...go for coffee, go shopping, whatever it is you need to do, but DO NOT DRINK. And if on monday you need to do the same, do it. Make your sobriety the number one priority in your life. Being a "functioning alcoholic" only lasts for a short time...it just gets worst from here.

Don't worry about how "screwed up" you are right now. That comes later...work on step one...We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives were unmanagable.

We're all pulling for you here...

Love, cheri

OP

YOU CAN DO IT

I JUST DID

I PRAYED FOR HELP AND STRENGTH

DAY 3 HERE

JUST START OVER

I HAD A PERSON ASK ME IF I HAD PLANS FOR THE DAY, I SAID YES, BUT LETS GO GRAB LUNCH.

MY PLANS WERE SAFE AND I STAYED SOBER FOR THE FIRST DAY AGAIN.

SOONER THE BETTER

BE HONEST

BE TRUE TO YOURSELF

DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP

I'LL SAY A PRAYER FOR YOU

RICK

 

I have no desire to get drunk today. I had no desire to get drunk Thursday when I drank 2 beers at the lake, I had no desire to get drunk last night when I drank a pint of Bud Light that took 2 hours and I poured out most of it.  Thursday just happened and when I couldn't "start over"  and admit to them what I'd done at Friday's AA meeting or the one last night, I knew the only way I could was to do it the VERY FIRST day after having a drink - too much time had passed since Thursday. Crazy? Well, sure!  So, I'm getting dressed now and will be at the early Sunday meeting and surrender today for sure. I have to, I know this. I don't want to ever drink again. I am powerless over alcohol and I know if I don't start over today it WILL just get worse. Those 2 beers or that pint will soon enough turn into a 12 pack and then a case and then a case and a half, all in a very short time........

 

I will find someone to spend today with. I will ask someone to be my sponsor today. I will begin the steps again today.

 

I love you all. Thanks for the support and the encouraging words.

Love and Peace

 

"op"

 

Congratulations Rick on day three! I'll be saying that in 2 more days !

Hey "op", Glad you are on your way to that early meeting. I know you have heard this :

"H.O.W."- how the program works,"Honesty,Openmindedness, and Willingness" , you can do it.

Your share about your childhood touched me, I too remember not fitting into my own skin when I was 5, even younger, I came from a very dysfuntional family. My first drink was as a baby, Grandpa and Dad would give us kids a sip of beer anytime we ask, I loved it.I really started drinking at 12 years old. It just gave me the feeling of being able to face the world. I too, was a high functioning Alcoholic,but the blackouts were closer together and my health was being effected.

When I finally surrendered, I still had trouble fitting in, I still have days when it's hard to walk through the doors of an AA meeting, or into the grocery store.I deal with life today on lifes terms, not on the terms of a bottle.

As I deal with my Mom, who I've had to put in a mental hospital twice in the last few years, I say the Serenity Prayer, call program people, but don't think of going and buying that bottle of vodka.I walked out of the E.R. where they had just pronounced my Dad deceased and drove past 3 liquor stores and didn't think once about stopping for the pain killer.When the Dr. told us my beautiful, then 22 year old daughter has M.S., I was able to be there for her, and hold her and her husband, and not think about drinking. When my precious granddaughter was born I didn' have to have that drink to celebrate.

Today, I can do all things I had to have a drink in the past to do,I can do them sober. I can cry, laugh, be honest, lie, face death,love, hate, like myself and dislike myself, dance,and wrap my arms around someone and tell them this too shall pass.

Today is a new beginning, you will be fine, one day at a time and easy does it. If you don't pick up the first drink , you won't have any regrets.It can be simple or it can be hard.

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose 

OP...I realise that after this post there's a chance you might not like me much. And you might want to say "What the hell does she know?" But I have to pass on what worked for me, and I hope you keep coming back and you are free to vent if you want.

As was once said to me: Do I need to kick your arse into the gutter, or should I just let you dribble and stagger your way into it on your own???

I dunno what book you found the term "functional alcoholic" in, but I doubt it was written by an alkie.

Alcoholism is generally defined as lacking ability to function in home, work and social situations while under the increasing influence of alcohol.

The basis of an alcoholics psychological disorder is denial, and each and everyone of us has tried to "keep things looking pretty" when the boat was half sunk. That is part of our sickness, rather than a reflection of our wellness.

Here's what I see. On your own admission you are an alkie...  You have a career and business, a family (um..all families are bonkers, it's part of the deal ), your own home, a bloke who doesn't drink, and friends who admire you. So how much of that do you want to lose?...What bits are you willing to throw away? Because... if you keep drinking that's what you are doing...slowly but surely you, (like every other alkie) will begin to lose the things that matter, for as long as you continue to drink.

If you want to value the grog over all those things, minimise its effects, and deny its power, it will start weilding it. That's just the way it works.

Honesty is the key, and humility turns it. You, your family, bloke, friends and AA supporters need only one thing...a humble admission. This board has given you a taste of the support available. It's time now to establish that support in the real world.

You're not Neil Armstrong...this has been done before, and we all found strength in it. You will too.

Start living the life you want to live, instead of the life everyone says your so good at living. You owe it to yourself to truly step into your potential. If they think you have it together now,  wait till they see what miracles take place when you are living sober. It will astound even you.

Cheering your every step,

Nic

OldPro:

Your post touched a part of me in which it prompted me to recall some of my insight that I discovered about 5 years ago.  Having come from an emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually abusive family as a child, I learned to choose unhealthy relationships and although none of us were alcoholics, we were all strongly and sickly codependent in trying to help people completely just so that we would feel good-- you know, if we love and care for someone, then we can satisfy something much deeper inside of us that is painful.  Anyway, when you talked about "fitting in", it sparked a memory of mine that perhaps you can relate too.  I recall when I was a child-- about the same age you mentioned, 5-years old how important it was for me to have my parents love me and anyone else for that matter, as all children want their parents and other family members to love them of course.  However, because my family was so unhealthy and me being a child without that realization, the pain inside grew without recognition.  It wasn't until many years later, when I started to recall sexual abuse as a young child, then having been faced with my choices of unhealthy relationships because of my dependency on needing to be wanted and loved by someone that so much occured to me.....

Ya see, I suddenly remembered a time when I was a young child and it was around Christmas time-- my family didn't get into the holidays much because everything was such a big deal financially.  We weren't allow to ever feel like we deserved anything because we couldn't afford it.  I remember that as that young child I had gotten $20 from someone, as I don't recall where.  However, it might have even been I had gotten money now and then (which was VERY rarely) but decided to just save anything I could.  So here I was with $20 at an age somewhere between 5-8 years old, begging my Mom or Dad to drive me to the five and dime store.   Rather than thinking of how excited I was to buy something for myself, I was so excited to think how I would buy something for each of my family members, Mom, Dad, brothers and sisters because I loved them very much.  I didn't care if I didn't "fit in" as the rest and just have an attitude of anger, resentment, or thinking I didn't deserve anything-- Or rather let me rephrase that-- I didn't think I didn't care.  However, I gave each of these gifts to everyone and although they appeared happy to receive them, I remember how my heart sunk because I still sensed how instead of seeing the good from it, how expensive and foolish they thought it was because we couldn't afford it. 

I apologize for this being so long, but I'm trying to make a very strong point that I hope can help you through what you are feeling about your family and "fitting in", in any situation.

So the years went by and in 8th grade I was sick one day so my Dad offered me some weed and a 1 hitter, said here, this will make you feel better.   I'm fortunate to say that although I experimented with that over the next couple of years and even got some for my friends on occasion-- it never went any further.  Matter of fact, as I reached the age 16, I began to pull away from my friends because they got into some hard core drinking and drugging at parties.  I would walk by them in an alley somewhere and they were always friendly with me, BUT, just as I was at the age with my family, whom I loved so much but felt uncomfortable because I just wanted to love them and do what I needed to do for my heart to be at peace, I walked away slowly...  In turn, it hurt very badly-- but what I learned from it all over the next 15 years would change my life. 

What I realized is this.....    As a child, I had my heart so full of love, life and cared for many people.  These people (family included) who rejected, neglected and ultimately contradicted anything that I had been as a child and this is all indirectly don't forget because most people don't realize that they are even hurting others, had broken my spirit as a child.  For the next several years after that even though I knew what gave me peace was not to be involved in the crap and just continue to love them, it broke me down and eventually I gave up-- said well, they treat me this way, I'm going to be this way.   It took me about another 5-years to realize what I had done to myself in trying to be accepted by people who didn't even know what was best for themselves.....  I had ALWAYS tried to "fit in", so I would have to suffer the pain of rejection any longer or be neglected.  After so many years of counseling and having hit my rock bottom emotionally, it became clear to me that the ONLY one I was truly hurting was myself and in turn, I realized that as Jesus did.... I NEEDED to walk away from the people who stood in the way that God planned for my life.  With this realization, I was able to look back as a child and see that the same pain and hurt I had then, was the same I had continued to carry to the beginning of my 30's and even today, BUT, now knowing this---   I have God FIRST in my life and have my heart full of love, compassion, concern for others and this time in a MUCH healthier way because it is ME I have to love and take care of FIRST. 

I've always said that our family is our family, BUT, even if THEY interfer with the plan that God has for our life, we MUST move on.... as painful as it might be-- God will carrry each of us through it and once we completely trust Him and nobody else, our lives will fall into place and we will receive balance and security knowing that He is truly the ONLY one we need to worry about loving us.  In turn, He brings people into our lives to offset the negative people with positive.  I have developed so many loving, respectful, compassionate friendships over the past 8 years because of all this realizations that there is NO DOUBT God got me through all of this......   

I write this because it sounds like you struggle with some pain in the turmoil of family or others around you and well-- I believe strongly in my heart that alcoholism or any addiction, whether it be related to substance abuse, relationships, sexual, gambling, food, or ANYTHING that essentially takes away balance and stability only represents one thing.  That our focus is too much on the things that aren't healthy for us.  Knowing this, if we turn our focus from that each time we begin to obsess to God and give it ALL to him, the pain, the hurt, the guilt or any other emotions that keeps us there-- we can completely be healed. 

After all, any of lifes problems comes back to only ONE thing---  Getting right with God, forming our relationship with Him so that the rest of our life can fall into place.

Take Care and May God Truely continue to bless you.  You have a good heart, as I could see that from what you posted.  Don't let ANYONE steal that away from you-- it is what keeps you connected to God.  :)

-- Edited by sanddie at 11:49, 2005-08-07

I picked up another white chip this morning. Today is day one! Thanks to you all for your posts, you are a wonderful bunch. And I am so grateful to you all.

 

Nic, I have no reason not to "like you" as you stated. You're right on! And I thank you so much for your honesty. As for the term "functioning alkie" well,  you're right it makes no sense, I suppose the term for me just means I'm not homeless YET, I'm not unemployed YET, etc, etc.

I understand that I am not unique so thank you all for sharing with me. As I am now ready  to shut up, sit down and listen.

I am home  to get some things done I needed and headed back to the clubhouse to spend the day with other sober drunks. It's someone's 4th birthday and he's cooking a hog, so I'm in the process of making potatoe salad to take back and to help with the cleaning up or whatever he needs done.

 

Wendy is right, It is a great day for recovery!

 

Love to you all

 

"op"

 

 

OP - It is obvious that you know what lies ahead if a change doesn't take place. I quit for 5 and 1/2 years, then followed with a two year binge. Now sobriety! The things I learned from that slip has kept me sober for 11 years... - I can promise you all the pain and misery will return tenfold, if you continue to drink. I, too, managed it for awhile, but when it came back with all its fury - I lost a home, a marriage, children, jobs, and yes even credit. And even after this long, it's still feels like yesterday. - I now realize from my slip, that I KNOW I have one more good drunk in me, but I'm not sure I have one more recovery in me. I pray, I never have to relive those early days again - filled with shame and guilt. Having a slip is a valuable "learning tool" - use it as such and grow from the experience... In my thoughts and prayers, Dave Harm finding dreams

-- Edited by Dave Harm at 13:31, 2005-08-07

Hi OP

what a great thread everyone!

AA is a fellowship, we are here for each other, to share our experience, strength and hope. We are not here to judge, Op, you haven't disappointed me, this disease is cunning, baffling and very patient. It is ourselves that we must concern ourselves with not disappointing.

I'm proud of you for being so honest and also for pouring out your booze when you did. There are many who pick up that first drink and don't make it back, either for a short time, a long time or never.

Sanddie, you must have done alot of hard work on yourself and have some good insight to your soul. That is what i'm striving for today, getting to know my soul, caring for my soul. Most times i don't know that i feel a certain way or am a certain way until someone else puts it into words for me...then i say YA!! thats it exactly!

All i got from my 5th step with a female priest who had never done a step 5 before was this..."work on your inner child". Well i'm only 400 and some days clean and sober I AM a child. Thank God i have God and AA to show me the right way.

some more crap going on in my life today but you know what? I don't have to drink today to deal with it.

And there is one place i fit in today, that's AA, i'm off to a meeting

I hope you have a great get together OP, i wish you  heart smiles today.

love and peace, Wendy