Hey guys, I have got to tell someone besides God(although He was right there, saw and heard the whole thing) what I did last night. He and I did have several conversations about this last night and this morning.

I had been asking my husband for 2 months if he would take the weedtrimmer to my Mom's and wack the weeds. Well he got off of work early yesterday, so he borrowed the weed wacker on wheels, from the job. Really a neat machine. After we had a pleasant dinner with my Mom, I left to go to my meeting at the church. He said he was going to rest for awhile and then go out and wack.

Now, you have to understand that I do all the lawn mowing at Mom's and I had let the grass grow a little longer than normal,in front and back I was letting it go to seed and letting it run ,to fill in bare spots.This is my childhood home, my parents moved there when I was a year old. My Dad spent hours, planting hedges, flowers, trees, a grape arbor, I can still see him,everytime I'm working there.

Now, I came driving up, 2 hours later and see my husband sitting on the retaining wall, smoking a cigarette, looking tired, hot and sweaty...I glance at the lawn behind him,oh he mowed the lawn also, hhmmmmm. I pull into the side yard and I gasp, I also hear my Dad, who is in heaven say,"What the Hell has he done?" the beautiful park grass tat was there, thick green , like a carpet was gone,Whacked down to bare ground.

I jumped out of the car, "Screaming what did you do? " His reply, "I cut the grass while I was at it." With the weed wacker, a lawn mower sat 10 ft. away in the garage... I lost it, I ask him what he was thinking, I hadn't ask him to mow the lawn, that is my job, always has been, he hates mowing.And it was quite obvious he hated the lawn and me.I took this all very personal, I went from yard to yard, looking at the damage, screaming, cussing, I lost it. The purple wildflowers I had let grow in the front yard were all gone, the new growth on the grapes was gone,every lawn was cut to the bare ground.I was in shock...he was stomping around screaming and using the F word, walking to the dumpster with a hand full of old wood, told me to find the rake so he could rake up the grass. Well it was leaning on the garage, I grabbed it and threw it in his direction, I swear he backed up so it would hit him. Then the fight was on, he came flying at me, didn't touch me but we had a face to face screaming match. This went on for awhile, I finally went into the house, he left.

This all happened and we were both sober. I tell you this to say I reconize that I have been under a lot of stress lately, I am getting tired, worn out,unhappy, may be on a dry drunk. I also, realize I should have never left him alone with the lawn.He really hates mowing, I thought when I saw that weed trimmer on wheels, I need one of those, so I don't have to ask anyone else to do it.My hands are so bad I can't hold on to one of the hand held ones. I love working in the yard, my son and I had a lawn mowing business for a few years, we made a great living at it, but when the husband would show up , something would always go wrong.

Anyway, I told him last night I was sorry for blowing up...he didn't accept that. And  I've only had the one cup of coffee I drank at Mom's before I came home this morning. My coffee pot is in his house, and I'm not sure I want to venture out there, just for a cup of coffee. Sooooo...

The confession is over, and I will try to do better today. I know I will be spenting the day watering the lawn at Mom's. The thing is he is going to use the wacker on our property today, I will be praying for my hollyhocks, peonies, honeysuckle, morning glories, four o'clocks....

I will stay sober, I will not be on a dry drunk today.By the way I had left the meeting last night feeling so great, on top of the world,that's how fast our emotions can change, or mine anyway.

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose

awe Gammy!!! I'm so sorry!!!

My guess is he's not accepting your apology because maybe he realizes what he did but is being stubborn in admitting it.

I'm saying a prayer today for your flowers. I potted some myself outside of my apartment for the first time ever, I know how you feel. I'm somewhat attached and proud to see them growing and blooming. Can you tell or show him what not to touch with the wacker before he goes to it??

I pray to for you to be calm today, for heart smiles.

hugs & hugs, Wendy

Ouch...sorry about your flowers, Gammy. I hate it when my husband mows, he always takes down the flowers too.

Good for you for recognizing that it's not really about the lawn but about the stress and pent up anger that you've been experiencing. And while I hate to question anyone's motives for anything, maybe he did it so you wouldn't ask for his help again.Only he and God knows.

Take it easy today...I hope you get your coffee soon. Can't imagine not being able to have coffee...I know I'd go crazy.

Love, cheri

Thanks for your kind words. Well, my yard did not get the weeds trimmed, he got very drunk instead. Once again it is all my fault. Oh, well, that's okay, I know I didn't cause him to drink, he drinks because he is an alcoholic, who choose to not work a program of recovery.That's his loss not mine.

I went to church this morning, then spent the afternoon watering the lawn at my Mom's.I hope it comes out of this. I had a very relaxing day,took a nap,read....just what I needed.Cheri, I did get a cup of coffee after church, got to buy a pot for my house.

Thanks again. Have a great sober night.

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose

Oh Gammy...I dunno what it is with blokes and gardens, but I think its a bit like the difference between hairdressers and barbers...

If it makes you feel any better I have just lost the plot with my biggest milker...totally. Been out there hooting and hollering and trying to get control of the "lunatic" who keeps doing dumb things (like going through fences, over fences that she can't get back through...polishing off new trees that were showing so much promise, and generally being a pain in the butt). After tearing my finger to the bone and my jeans, and favourite Ned Kelly shirt on the barbed wire, I just kept getting more and more obnoxious....swearing, yanking at her lead...the more my finger bled the angrier I got with her, and the more injuries I seemed to wear. Am still finding nicks all over my shoulders from trying to get her back through a hole even a possum couldn't fit in. Finally put her on a short run way down the near the dam and decided she needed a program...

lol

I have walked in sweaty, dirty, bleeding and muttering to find my mate snoring. I would like to go stick my finger under his nose and sniffle that I need him to stitch it, but he has just worked a nightshift and driven 500km home, so I figure I will survive. I have really hard hands today. A couple of years ago, everyone used to comment on my nice hands, they are small and I used to like growing and painting my nails, and wore a lot of nice rings. Today they look like they belong to someone else. I washed the cut and it is ok now it is dry again. Calloused skin doesn't separate as easy as it used to, I guess.

She is down there wingeing...bleating and moaning. Bugger her. I am not playing anymore. Have had enough injuries for today. She can stay there till milking and we will argue again, if need be, then. Hopefully, by then I will have remembered she is my best milker, has a really funny personality and is a wonderful protector and wet nurse for the little ones. When I was grumpy with her the other day, a mate suggested I get rid of her, and I just looked at him...

...tis not that easy, is it? Especially once you come to understand what a committment really is (by staying sober). It's not like you just get animals for Christmas, or the holidays... People are the same...once you learn to do what you say you're going to do, then you just don't walk out or tell them to bugger off.

I love my garden, and it is much greater than me. I fussed and fussed over a coffee tree in the orchard, and eventually brought it up to the houseyard where it boomed in a pot. I was so proud of it, and my decision...it had struggled in the orchard something shocking. Then I took my girls across to a Sports Day and returned to find a gate had been left open in our enthusiasm to get there on time, and the goats had spent the whole day in my house yard!!! The first thing I saw when I got back was the stick that used to be my shiny, robust coffee tree. I was devastated and grizzled for days, everytime I walked back past it.... "It was doing so well!"

When I went to the nursery the following week to pick up some more natives, I was still wingeing about it. The lady there was very matter of fact. She said: "It will grow again. Plants aren't like people. They don't give up. You can chop away at them all you like and they just keep going. Their life is in their roots. If they are where they can grow, they will grow...and if they are not, then they just grow slower." 

I was speechless and she looked at me like she was sharing some very elementary info. I guess she was.

Enjoy your gardening Gammy. Sometimes we get complacent and think everything is just fine then something happens to make us actually contribute to things. Change is good, especially in a garden. A while back I asked a mate to trim the canopy I had spent a year creating on the back verandah back from the gutter. I was just lazy really and couldn't be bothered climbing on the roof. He cut it back about 3 metres from the house and I came out and nearly died. The sun was streaming in on all the shade plants underneath, which would surely die. He thought he had done a great job and it was all very neat and tidy...just not at all in line with what I was actually doing with it. He was heaps apologetic, and I was just plain annoyed. He still gardens here, but I have hidden the bolt cutters...lol. And it turned out ok, because it made me get around to creating several more canopies and extending the garden. It took ages, but was worth it, because the place looks great and the gardens are now actually twice the size...it all works out in the end. Hold the faith, mate.

So.... I spose I better go move that goat afterall... Dunno what I was thinking, moving her away from the herd in the first place. Tis just cruel really...expecting a herd animal to exist beyond her gang, and like it... I thought she'd like some fresh feed...but maybe the feed is not as important as unity.

Big hugs.

Thanks Nic, I think I'm on my way to the other side of this. The only thing I'm concerned about is the park grass in the side yard, as it just doesn't look good at all, it has been a thick, green carpet for about 15 years, and now is yellow, and dying.I confessed at A.A. last night, everyone was asking me where my husband was , so I told them.One of the guys is a landscaper and he said it definetly was not good to mow or wack to close in 100 degree weather.

 They were all pretty understanding and told me to quit beating myself up, but one guy who knows me very, very well said it wasn't at all about the lawn, and I did mean to hit him with the rack. Hmmmmmm, I have to agree. Life has been very stressful since he got out of jail, and since I've been sober God has just worked on my serenity to the point that it takes soooo much to tick me off, but when it finally gets to the boiling point, I blow-up and everyone should get out of my way.It's not pretty.

Animals are so much easier for me to deal with than people, wish we could trade place for awhile.Have you moved the goat back to the herd, yes, she is probably missing her fellowship.

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose