hello....

Gammy you said to come post when i'm down...not just up. Well here I am...My heart is breaking tonight.

A risk I took and knew I was taking when i did it. My boyfriend told me tonight that he doesn't know if he's over his last girlfriend...says he plans on making a decision tonight..i haven't heard from him.  I spent most of the night in tears at work and trying to hide it from the residents. I most definitely wasn't myself but I don't think any of them really noticed. I built some pretty tough and tall walls around whats left of my heart. I let them down somewhat in the last couple of weeks, well it backfired on me. I keep saying to myself...if you love someone, set them free, if they come back....

I've put this situation in God's hands, a thousand times tonight. I never loved anyone like I do this man. If things don't work out, if we weren't meant to be then why did we end up back together after 4 years of being apart. Was it a test from God?? Is the real test now? tonight?

I keep thinking of the escape I used to use to not feel, i can't go there, it won't make it all better. Instead I keep trying to simply not think, it's not working. Flooded by memories, old and new. If he's simply confused then doesn't that tell me something? This other woman is a very heavy drinker, she gets drunk, fights wickedly with him, calls him down, beats on him...blah blah blah...

I so understand his hesitation to try a relationship with me again, he fears I will go back to the way I was. I feel in my heart that I am a different person today..different then I was 4 years ago when I was with him...and different then I was a year ago. I believe I've grown up. I know what I want and what I don't today...for the first time ever in my life and I have sobriety to thank for that, not to mention the program and AA.

To say to myself that" what will be will be" is so easy to say but it doesn't take the pain and heartbreak I feel away.

I know I haven't heard anything yet from him but the way he was talking it sounded to me like he'd already made his mind up. For example ....we can be friends though right?? There's no reason for us to be enemies. the last thing he said to me was "I love you"

If I could go back in time....I hurt so many people, some days I can't stand it. They say you don't know what you've got till its gone...it's so true.

I have alot of love in my heart to give. If we aren't together I see myself comparing anyone else who comes along to him....

He said ...Wendy...you could have any guy you want...what do you want me for? I said...I don't want any other guy, it's true I don't.

So I think he's with her tonight..wehter they are ending it for good I don't know. Maybe they are loving it up, the thought of it tears my heart to a million pieces.

Love hurts, love stinks but it's what makes the world go around. Not a single soul on this earth can get by without it.

I have a feeling I won't sleep much tonight, thank God I don't work tomorrow.  Is this happening for a reason?? What reason?? Haven't i hurt enough????

that's all i got for now. good thing there's nothing to drink in my apartment. I feel numb, my eyes hurt from crying, my stomach is in my throat. I miss him already. I hate this disease!!!

I'm going to go lay down, thank you all for being here...i have more going on with my family but it's not first and foremost on my mind tonight. I'll leave that for another time.

Wendy

Wendy,

You have changed...so much so that this guy doesn't even know the true you. There is no way that 4 years ago he could've seen you as I see you...a woman of integrity and morals. You are a woman that deserves respect and love, and maybe he can't give you that right now. He still sees that "old" Wendy...the girl who drank and used. You are so much more than that now. Maybe he came back into your life so you could make your amends to him and now he must go his own way.

But I know...it hurts and it sucks and it's not fair!!! Why do we have to get our hearts broken all over again? I wish I had an answer for you. But you will get through this, you will come out the other side, and you will be stronger for it. I do not believe that a loving God meant for anyone to live thier life alone, so believe that what God wants for you is going to be great, but it will be in God's time, not ours.

I love you...wake up refreshed and...don't blame yourself on this. It is not in your control. You are worth waiting for...someone is waiting for you, I know that.

Love,cheri

Wendy, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Yes, love can suck and it can hurt. But I've heard it can be beautiful, when it is with the right person. I don't know what his final decision will be, but it doesn't sound like he is a very stable guy. The past is the past and once dealt with , it needs to be left there.

As you know , my husband lives in the rent house behind me. When he came back from the half-way house in Feb.we were suppose to go to marriage counceling at a drug and alcohol center 30 miles away. He is so angry, I won't travel in a car that far with him,and he won't pay his part of the fee. We are at a stand still. He is still drinking , could get sent back to prison at any time...Yes. love sucks. I have been sober for 20 years now, when I married him 22 years ago, I vowed, through sickness and health,richer or poorer,until death do us part. I have told him if he wants to get a divorce I will sign the papers, I really think he would get one; doesn't want to spend the money.

I have been married 3 times,was drinking  and drugging, in each.When I got sober I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. As I began to grow, find myself, become the woman I am today, a godly, thinking, not just acting, strong person, my husband began to pull away. He didn't like or love me, he began to drink more, got addicted to cocaine.He went to treatment, and has not used coke since, but the alcoholism is full blown. We have separated more than once, always getting back together. Why, I wish I knew the answer. Sometimes I think I'm afraid to be alone, or I do really love this man.The main thing I have to hold on to is I can not control anyone else.I am not that powerful , I can only allow God to lead and guide me.My husband will do what he wants, when he wants. I am in control of me, I ask God each day to lead and guide me; close doors that need to be closed: open new ones, to please make things clear so that I will know what I'm to do.So far He has always done just that, so I am trusting He will continue.

Today is a new day, we are sober, strong , growing in recovery, facing life on lifes terms. We cry, laugh,hurt, pray, sing but most of all we love. I will love, I will love because it is better than the alternitive. I say all this to say,Wendy you are a beautiful, strong woman,and you will be alright, no matter what the outcome. If he goes or stays, you will keep on keeping on, sharing your experience, strength, and hope with others.

Feel the feelings, share the story,and stay sober...

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose

-- Edited by GammyRose at 09:10, 2005-07-10

Hey Wendy.  Don't know a thing about you or your'e situation but I just wanted to say, you're right, love does stink sometimes, but GammyRose is right also, when it's with the right person it can be awesome. I happen to believe you've answered your own questions, i.e. "is it a test, etc"........ just remember that stupid Garth Brooks song and sometimes "thank God for unanswered prayers." I know over the years I certainly have, especially when it comes to men - lol . There's someone out there for you, and God will put him in your life when the time is right..... be patient and maybe take a step back and see what you've learned from this one, so you'll be more prepared when "MR. Right" comes along.....

 

Love and peace, "op"

thankyou for your replies and encouragement.

I still haven't heard anything...although I missed a couple of unknown calls this morning. I was up pretty early. I went to church this morning, first time in months.

I'm still sad today but i'm praying for acceptance.

I will take it easy on myself today. Try to stay in the moment.

Be well, be safe and smile

hugs & hugs, Wendy

OMG I am ready to cry. I wrote this whole long reply, and poured outmy heart, cause I am going through something similar- and I DELETED it somehow. It was very cleansing towrite it out,but now I don'tknow where it went.:(

kim

awe,,,,big hugs to you Kim!!!

I find when that happens i can click on back and then copy and paste in a new reply...soemtimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, I know how frustrating it is though believe me!!!!!

If you care to pm me, please do, anytime. I'm here for you!!!

hugs & hugs, Wendy