Well, it's day 8 for me. And so far so good, until this morning! I usually talk to my mom twice a week (for over 15 yrs), she lives in another state, but have avoided her since I've been in the AA program because a phone call to or from her ALWAYS goes like this; If she calls me, I don't even sit down after answering the phone I go straight for the beer and I drink while she talks (usually 45mins - 1 hour) and all I say is "yes, ma'am, uh-huh, well, it'll be OK". OR if it's my turn to call her, I plan it, I have the beer ready and one open before I even dial the number, because for the first 45mins to an hour it's "yes, ma'am, uh-huh, etc, etc.' RARELY does she ask how I or her grandson are doing! Its' always the same Negative things, her health problems, her neighbors, my father, my crack addict sister, the trouble the other grandkids are causing. etc. And when we hang up I feel like I need a shower to wash away all the garbage she's just dumped on me! Well, I haven't spoken to her since last Saturday, she's called every day, I haven't answered the phone and when she called this morning, she didn't even leave a message, which means she's pissed at me for not calling her...... I don't know if she know's I'm an alcoholic, we've lived in different states for over 18 yrs and I RARELY see her, last time was X-mas 03 and that was a disaster (whole nother story). I've always been "the good girl" and never made waves, my sister makes enough so, I just hear her and pretend to care because I have a deep fear that if I make her angry w/me she'll die before we make up and I'll have to live with the guilt (and she would just LOVE that - LOL)...... I have to call her or answer the phone soon..... suggestions anyone????
Love
"op"
back4good said
Jul 8, 2005
I would definately limit the time of these calls. Have a large glass of water with ice cubes and bite the ice cubes when she pisses you off. She's triggering the urge to drink so you have to put yourself first and have an appt you MUST go to, or someone you are meeting, some excuse to get out of the toxic conversation. Theres a great book called BOUNDARIES that I am reading and its amazing how few boundaries we alcoholics have.
Make sure you put you first no matter what. Don't let anyone take your recovery from you.
GA_Peach said
Jul 8, 2005
I can relate to this!!! My mother is a practicing alcoholic and we talked just about every day for many years!! We turned more into drinking buddies rather than mother and daughter and when I forst got sober, I went through the exact same thing you are experiencing.
I would not accept her calls and I wouldn't return them either. I finally had to tell her that I was trying to get sober and I told her that it was just best for me not to talk to her at the time becuase I was concentrating on my sobriety and I was really busy with meetings, ect . (She couldn't argue with that!!)
She wasn't very happy about it, but I had to take care of myself. My mom always made me feel guilty and that is HER problem, not mine! Just do what is right for you and don't worry about what your mom is thinking!
If you need to, just call her back at a "healthy" time (for me it was any time during the day, as she started drinking at 5) and just let her know you are really busy and have a lot going on and that you'll call her in a few days (or whatever) once things aren't so crazy. (If you aren't comfortable telling her you are getting sober.)
You have to take care of you and I had to cut contact with my mom for a while; because like you, she was too much of a trigger for me and she was always pushing her own problems on me to make me feel like they were mine. Be selfish!!
I hope that helps! I can definitely relate! Good luck - mom's are always tough!!!!
OldPro said
Jul 8, 2005
back4good wrote: Don't let anyone take your recovery from you
Thanks 4good! Excellent, wonderfully good suggestions you've made........ I will keep you posted as to how it goes.........
love,
"op"
cheri said
Jul 8, 2005
Try writing a letter and telling her what's going on with you right now, since it seems you can't get a word in when on the phone. I'd be very general at this point...just let her know that you are attending AA meetings and trying to do some things different in your life now. Let her know that you feel that hearing about negative aspects of your family right now may hinder your sobriety.
I like the suggestion of having a glass of ice water ready...you might also ask an AA member to come over to your house so you can call Mom and have a conversation with her. Again, I'd be very general about what's going on.
I cut off my family during my drinking years, and only recently have re-established a relationship with them. When I finally realized that it was my job to understand them, not the other way around, I was able to accept them for who they are, faults and all, and want to have a relationship with them. But it took time.
Love,cheri
OldPro said
Jul 8, 2005
cheri wrote: just let her know that you are attending AA meetings
Good suggestion, but sorry, cheri, CAN'T do that one. She would take it as I'm giving her more grief; something else for HER to worry about. And at some point in my life, she'll turn that positive AA 'thing' into something negative to hurt me (blame herself her baby girl is a drunk, etc) which will cause more of her garbage to be dumped on me. She's not an alcoholic and doesn't understand why drunks just don't "stop drinking" .......I know her all too well..... "op"
tox nedrub said
Jul 8, 2005
no one can take this thing from you except you, this deal is a gift from god, only you can shove it back in his face, there is a bout 1 million excuses to get drunk .....but not one valid reason! I drank when there wasn't a cloud on the horizon, I get me drunk !
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference
OldPro said
Jul 8, 2005
tox nedrub wrote: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference
This is definately the key..... thanks......"op"
sothrnman said
Jul 9, 2005
Hello,I'm new on the board but not in the program.
Hang in there.Personally,I never drank because of anyone else.I'm an alcoholic,no longer requiring a reason (excuse).I stay sober for me.We have a choice today,just don't drink.ODAT.
mikey50 said
Jul 14, 2005
Hi i would focus on recovery,, my sponcer told me that when i change the people around me
change,mabe get a sponcer look into working the 12 steps,the 12 step are the key to all of are problems,,i also belive this is a family thing ,nobody can make us do anything we do not want to ,
anyways i am new here just saying hi and good luck....
Well, it's day 8 for me. And so far so good, until this morning! I usually talk to my mom twice a week (for over 15 yrs), she lives in another state, but have avoided her since I've been in the AA program because a phone call to or from her ALWAYS goes like this; If she calls me, I don't even sit down after answering the phone I go straight for the beer and I drink while she talks (usually 45mins - 1 hour) and all I say is "yes, ma'am, uh-huh, well, it'll be OK". OR if it's my turn to call her, I plan it, I have the beer ready and one open before I even dial the number, because for the first 45mins to an hour it's "yes, ma'am, uh-huh, etc, etc.' RARELY does she ask how I or her grandson are doing! Its' always the same Negative things, her health problems, her neighbors, my father, my crack addict sister, the trouble the other grandkids are causing. etc. And when we hang up I feel like I need a shower to wash away all the garbage she's just dumped on me! Well, I haven't spoken to her since last Saturday, she's called every day, I haven't answered the phone and when she called this morning, she didn't even leave a message, which means she's pissed at me for not calling her...... I don't know if she know's I'm an alcoholic, we've lived in different states for over 18 yrs and I RARELY see her, last time was X-mas 03 and that was a disaster (whole nother story). I've always been "the good girl" and never made waves, my sister makes enough so, I just hear her and pretend to care because I have a deep fear that if I make her angry w/me she'll die before we make up and I'll have to live with the guilt (and she would just LOVE that - LOL)...... I have to call her or answer the phone soon..... suggestions anyone????
Love
"op"
I would definately limit the time of these calls. Have a large glass of water with ice cubes and bite the ice cubes when she pisses you off. She's triggering the urge to drink so you have to put yourself first and have an appt you MUST go to, or someone you are meeting, some excuse to get out of the toxic conversation. Theres a great book called BOUNDARIES that I am reading and its amazing how few boundaries we alcoholics have.
Make sure you put you first no matter what. Don't let anyone take your recovery from you.
I can relate to this!!! My mother is a practicing alcoholic and we talked just about every day for many years!! We turned more into drinking buddies rather than mother and daughter and when I forst got sober, I went through the exact same thing you are experiencing.
I would not accept her calls and I wouldn't return them either. I finally had to tell her that I was trying to get sober and I told her that it was just best for me not to talk to her at the time becuase I was concentrating on my sobriety and I was really busy with meetings, ect . (She couldn't argue with that!!)
She wasn't very happy about it, but I had to take care of myself. My mom always made me feel guilty and that is HER problem, not mine! Just do what is right for you and don't worry about what your mom is thinking!
If you need to, just call her back at a "healthy" time (for me it was any time during the day, as she started drinking at 5) and just let her know you are really busy and have a lot going on and that you'll call her in a few days (or whatever) once things aren't so crazy. (If you aren't comfortable telling her you are getting sober.)
You have to take care of you and I had to cut contact with my mom for a while; because like you, she was too much of a trigger for me and she was always pushing her own problems on me to make me feel like they were mine. Be selfish!!
I hope that helps! I can definitely relate! Good luck - mom's are always tough!!!!
Thanks 4good! Excellent, wonderfully good suggestions you've made........ I will keep you posted as to how it goes.........
love,
"op"
Try writing a letter and telling her what's going on with you right now, since it seems you can't get a word in when on the phone. I'd be very general at this point...just let her know that you are attending AA meetings and trying to do some things different in your life now. Let her know that you feel that hearing about negative aspects of your family right now may hinder your sobriety.
I like the suggestion of having a glass of ice water ready...you might also ask an AA member to come over to your house so you can call Mom and have a conversation with her. Again, I'd be very general about what's going on.
I cut off my family during my drinking years, and only recently have re-established a relationship with them. When I finally realized that it was my job to understand them, not the other way around, I was able to accept them for who they are, faults and all, and want to have a relationship with them. But it took time.
Love,cheri
Good suggestion, but sorry, cheri, CAN'T do that one. She would take it as I'm giving her more grief; something else for HER to worry about. And at some point in my life, she'll turn that positive AA 'thing' into something negative to hurt me (blame herself her baby girl is a drunk, etc) which will cause more of her garbage to be dumped on me. She's not an alcoholic and doesn't understand why drunks just don't "stop drinking" .......I know her all too well..... "op"
no one can take this thing from you except you, this deal is a gift from god, only you can shove it back in his face, there is a bout 1 million excuses to get drunk .....but not one valid reason! I drank when there wasn't a cloud on the horizon, I get me drunk !
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference
Hello,I'm new on the board but not in the program.
Hang in there.Personally,I never drank because of anyone else.I'm an alcoholic,no longer requiring a reason (excuse).I stay sober for me.We have a choice today,just don't drink.ODAT.
Hi i would focus on recovery,, my sponcer told me that when i change the people around me
change,mabe get a sponcer look into working the 12 steps,the 12 step are the key to all of are problems,,i also belive this is a family thing ,nobody can make us do anything we do not want to ,
anyways i am new here just saying hi and good luck....