This is my first time posting to this site but after reading some of the topics/stories - here goes:

My story goes like this - I grew up in an alcoholic family.  My dad was both a gambler and a serious drinker, which he still is today, while my mom was the one to hold the family together.  I have an older brother and he and I were very close growing up.  We took care of each other when things between our parents would get crazy.  A normal routine at our house would be dad coming home several hours after getting his weekly paycheck and being obliviated and pennyless.  He would gamble his check away after getting nice and drunk and the outcome of that was always the same - mom throws him out and he's gone for 2-3 days.  I was a daddy's girl so these times were to say the least traumatic for me.  My brother handled it very well.  He always had a much better relationship with my mom than my dad anyway.  I can remember when I was around 11 years old I knew my dad was drunk and that I could find him at the local bar and it was almost time for mom to come home so I told this kid that I'd give him $2 to use his bike so I could get my dad out of the bar and home so that mom wouldn't kick him out.  He of course refused to come with me and I left in tears.

Around the same age of 11 I started to ask dad for a sip of his beer.  He loved that!!  He would never let me have a whole can but was amazed at how fast I could chug down half the can (at 11!!).  That's a big warning sign I guess...  I loved the taste of beer and when I turned 13 my friends and I thought it would be great to steal a 6 pack from the local store.  We did and had lots of fun, falling down drunk, acting like fools.  Good Times!!

At 15 years old I had my first serious boyfriend.  I had started my first job and he was my boss.  He was around 21 but he didn't drink and really neither did I until the day I realized that he could buy beer for me.  His thing was smoking weed.  He even grew pot plants in his house with all the lights and stuff.  We both smoked together on a day and night basis.  He wasn't into drinking but would buy me beer against his own better judgement.  He was the type that would do anything I asked so - he'd buy me the beer and I would end up going home early becuz we would get into fights after I had a few.  We NEVER fought normally but once I had a few normal went out the window.   All of this transpired through my high school years and the year after I graduated we ended up breaking up after almost 5 years.  He was devasted, I was ready to get a guy who wanted to go out clubbing and drinking and have some FUN.  Yeah, ok!

So, at 19 I fell in love for the first time.  It was love at first sight.  I am definitely a believer in that.  The guy was again older than me..  he was 28 and very experienced.  He introduced me to my first line of cocaine.  Another love.  We abused cocaine on a regular basis throughout the relationship.  We went together for about 6 years and he ended up breaking up with me becuz he couldn't tolerate my drinking.  I am a black out drinker.  He was also a big partier but he didn't do the things I would do when I got drunk.  The relationship had turned abusive on more than one occasion and through it all I still loved him and would have done anything for him but at the end we went our separate ways.  To this day (10 years later) I regret our breakup and still love this person.  That's another one of my problems....  letting go.

I really should mention that just because I was in long term relationships didn't mean that I was faithful.  I had woken up in beds and with people that I had no idea who they were but that was a regular thing for me.  When I look back at how lucky I am today not to have a disease - it really amazes me.  The guilt, shame, fear and remorse each and every time was unbareable.  It wouldn't stop me from doing it again and again becuz getting drunk was way too important.  For me it takes away all of the fear, doubt, insecurity and pain.  I become someone completely different.  My friends hated me when I drank and I didn't care one bit.  I started fights - sometimes even punching people out - something I'd never do sober.  That's why I loved to drink so much, becuz I always had/needed a way out of myself.

By the time I was 21 years old I had 2 totaled cars and a DUI.  It was a miracle I wasn't dead or that my friends weren't dead in either of the accidents.  I did however fracture my neck and spent one Thanksgiving in the hospital waiting to hear whether I would be paralized from the neck down.  For whatever reason, I walked out of that hospital without any serious injuries.  I truly believe that God works in very mysterious ways and that He was looking out for me.  Actually, there are many cases where I feel that's the reason I am still here today.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind but for the grace of God. 

So, when I was 26 years old, the love of my life is gone, I drown myself in my sorrows and end up going out with a new guy to ease the pain of my breakup.  Notice I always have to have a man in my life.  Never have I gone without a boyfriend - even as I sit here today.  Another alcoholic trait.  Fear of being alone.  I still to this day have that fear and find myself more alone now than ever.  The rebound relationship has turned into a 10+ year relationship.  The man I am still with today, although our story is even more brutal than the last.  He introduced me to opiates.  I was alot of things but I was never a pill-popper.  It started out with percocets and escalated into Oxycontins.  Being an alcoholic is one thing but when you become addicted to opiates and use alcohol - there isn't a day that I ever felt good.  I was hung-over 95% of the time and I was dope sick the other 5%.  Another drug we would use together was cocaine and we had even started smoking it.  That was something I said I would never ever do.  Life was unmanageable to say the least.  When I say that past boyfriends have "introduced" me to things - I want to make sure that noone reading this thinks that I blame them for my using.  I don't.  I only have myself to blame and I take full responsiblity for my using.  Today, that is.  I wouldn't have said that a year or so ago.  I guess my drug of choice really is MORE.

About 14 months ago my boyfriend and I were evicted from our apartment we shared for 8 years.  The landlord was 84 years old and had had enough.  We were unable to pay the rent becuz every dime we had went to drugs and me - my money went to drugs and alcohol.  We had to move in with his parents who are also in their 80's and things really got bad.  The money was gone and I was feeling so dope sick that I tried to kill the pain with a narcotic used for people with seizures.  I forget the name of it - it begins with an N.  Anyway, I ended up ODing in front of his parents and at the time he didn't even know what I was taking.  I woke up in an ambulance after biting a 1 inch hole in my tongue.  I was given the ok by the hospital to go home and when I got back to his parents house, I went and took more of the same medication that I had just overdosed on.  I was at the point where I really didn't care if I died.  I just didn't want to go on living the way I was. 

Throughout the years I had pretty much lost touch with my family.  We weren't the average closeknit type anyway.  They knew I had a problem but didn't know how to help me.  Both my parents are alcoholics.  My mom waited until we were older to let her disease be seen.  My dad never stopped for a minute since his divorce from my mom when I was just out of high school. (He did have a sober year or two but the divorce killed him.)  My brother on the other hand is very normal.  He has a beautiful family which again, becuz of my situation, I have stayed away from.  I didn't want to bother them with all of this insanity so I chose to just isolate. 

Anyway, once my father got word that I overdosed he put a Section 35 on me.  That's when a family member goes into court and tells the judge that you are a danger to yourself and to others and usually you get sent to a detox and a 30 day inpatient program.  What happened to me was at first, I ran from the police.  It took me about 2 days to give in and even then, I had a plan to get out in less time than 30 days.  That would have been way too long.  I would be able to convince everyone that I didn't have a problem and that my family was crazy.  It worked once, I got out of being sectioned, but the 2nd time - it was just undeniable.  I had lost so much weight I didn't even look like myself anymore.  My dad looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown if I didn't.  So I went for him.  Turned out to be the best thing I ever did. 

Finally, at the age of 32, I entered into a program and stayed in that program on a voluntary basis for 9 months.  All I can say is that if anyone out there is caught up in addiction and alcoholism and hasn't tried seeking long term care - its the absolute best choice.  I wouldn't have believed for one minute that I would stay in a program for 30 days much less 9 months but it worked.  Day by day I felt the life coming back into me.  The happiness and the laughter that you can only feel when you are sober.  

Sobriety is also tough in alot of ways.  Giving up the power of your own will and understanding that you aren't in charge.  I've found that in my sobriety I am more alone and isolated now than ever before.  When I was using I could always make myself better by putting something in me.  Now, I can't and I'm not sure that I handle that all that well on some days.  Its been 14 months since I got sober.  A week before my year anniversary I relapsed for one night.  I don't reach out to others very well and I have never once told my story.  I'm not sure I'm going to hit the send button now and really post this.  I must though.  I realize that this was a very long story but it was one I had to tell.  I don't want to put myself into a situation where I feel so alone that I relapse again. 

If anyone wants to post a message back... please do.  I could really use another alcoholic to talk to.  Thanks for listening (reading)!!  Enjoy Life.

Hey kj,

I am so glad you decided to post. It's' 2 am and hot as Hades so I got up and decided to get online. I welcome you to the MIP board.

You don't say if you attend meetings on a regular basis...I hope you do. I found there a group of people that love me for who I am, no matter what. You don't have to be alone. I have a wonderful sponsor that loves me and is my best friend, but also knows when I try to BS her and calls me on it.

Keep posting...you're not alone anymore.

Love,cheri

Hi kj!

You and I pretty much have the same story and history, some variations, but NOT many....... thanks for posting your story here. I'm on day 7 of sobriety after 25 yrs of living "your " story. I got up this morning with a bit of uneasiness, so reading what you posted has lifted that a bit - you made me remember what I never want to forget again. Remembering those  awful feelings is what has kept me sober this far...... so thanks, and god bless, and keep posting. I need you......... "op"   

Welcome kj! I read your story this morning , tried to reply then but my computer was acting up,it's working fine now. I will say it again, it always amazes me how our stories are so much alike, the names have just been changed .

Just like Cheri , I hope you are going to AA, I couldn't stay sober without the people there. I'm glad you found us, you won't find a better group of people, and everyone is here to share their experience, strength and hope.

Keep coming back !

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose

Hi Cheri,

I really appreciate you sending me a message.  Every little bit helps.  I do go to alot of N/A meetings but not AA which is what I really need.  I have a problem when it comes to going to these meetings alone.  I know that sounds really shallow but its the truth.  I always feel better once I go to one... it's just getting there.  I might enjoy the on-line meeting tonight.  Will you be joining? 

As far as a sponsor goes, I have an extremely hard time reaching out and asking for one.  I did get a couple of numbers from a couple of prospects but never ended up calling them.  I don't know why.  I guess its my fear of opening up to someone and them turning out to not really be interested. 

Anyway, it was nice hearing from you and I hope we can chat again!

Hugs!   KJ

Hi OldPro!

Thats a great name!  Brings a smile to my face!  I hope you are doing well, its a battle every day but if you keep chatting and getting advice and sharing your feelings, I'm sure you'll do well.  It's funny how we all can relate to eachother and so many things we go through are the same but when talking about them you/I feel like we're the only ones that experienced such heartache and pain.  It really helps me to talk about it so hopefully I'll be hearing from you soon.  I'd like to hear "your story" too!!!

Thanks again!  Chat Soon!

KJ   

Hi Gammyrose!

Thank you so much for your kind words.  It definitely is a really uplifting feeling to receive such positive feedback and I appreciate that very much.  I look forward to more chats with you!