The ways by which people try to dominate others or demonstrate selfishness are of two types: the active, obvious ways, and the less active, more indirect ways. Among the active, obvious techniques are the use of physical force, bullying, boasting, temper tantrums, and excessive noisiness. these obvious ways are easily identified. It is in the use of the less obvious methods that we often fail to realize that the real purpose of our behaviour is to compel another person to do what we want.
The following is a partial list of questions we should occasionally ask ourselves in order to guard against the subtle attitudes of selfishness and the feeling that "we must get our own way."
1. Do I frequently find fault with others, with members of my family, friends, or those with whom i work. If I do, why am I so sure that my own way of feeling, thinking and acting is so much better than theirs.
2. Do I engage in backbiting? The dictionary difines backbiting as "speaking negatively about the absent."
3. Do I listen to backbiting and by so doing encourage this characteristic in another person?
4.Do I talk so much that I deprive others of the opportunity to express their knowledge and ideas?
5. Do I talk too little, depriving others of my ideas, experience, and knowledge?
6. Do I speak with a too loud and intimidating a voice?
7. do I speak with a murmer, so that others have to really strain or sometimes are not able to hear what I have to say?
8. Am I argumentative, quarrelsome or defensive when presenting my ideas?
9. Do I use sarcasm, hurting the feelings of others with my cutting remarks, for of all the verbal techniques for dominating people, sarcasm is probably the most cruel?
10. Do I whine and complain? which may say to the listener, "See how weak I am! You must take care of me and see to it that I get what I want."
11. Do I sulk, holding myself aloof in a sullenly ill-humored or offended mood?
12. Do I give too much expression to my feelings of discouragement, depression, or sadness, and thus darken the lives of others, while atr the same time refusing to change my conditions?
13. Am I habitually late for appointments? If so, am I really saying to the indiviual or group kept waiting for me "Your time is less valuable than mine, so it doesn't matter if I waste some of your time; you should be willing to wait on my convenience."?
14. Do I break promises?
15. Am I frequently indecisive saying, "Do whatever you like: either way is all right with me, I really don't have any preference. ( I do this often!)
16. Do I make an overly boastful display of my intelligence, my attainments, or my possessions? Do I "show off" so I can make it clear that I wish to "separate" myself from others?
17. Do I show contempt for the feelings, ideas or actions of others?
18. Do I demand special privileges, so that others are deprived? Do I expect to have the most comfortable chair, the most honored seat at a gathering or the highest position in any group or organization to which I belong?
19. Do I dislike another person because that person shows a character trait of my own, which I am trying to ignore in myself? If I express an intense dislike for greediness, is it because I am really a greedy person?
20. Am I always asking myself the question, "What will other people say?"
Nic said
Jun 23, 2005
1. Do I frequently find fault with others, with members of my family, friends, or those with whom i work. If I do, why am I so sure that my own way of feeling, thinking and acting is so much better than theirs.
In academia the hardest thing I encountered was learning to think critically...it used to bring me to tears and I struggled with the whole concept to the point where I nearly surrendered my goal. I kept thinking I can't do this...I have spent 4 years reprogramming myself to think constructively, removing negatives, looking for the good in myself and in others...and now I have to turn it all over back to front and arse about? Eventually I learned to do it...without bias...by removing emotional arguments, clarifying the personal or mutual goal and asking myself "What is real here?" "What is really happening/changing?"...by getting hard on myself, clarifying my values and becoming willing to stand true to them. I had to learn to use discernment. It was in accepting my own equality, that I have learned to speak with others as equals. We each speak from within our experience.
2. Do I engage in backbiting? The dictionary difines backbiting as "speaking negatively about the absent."
Nah...I upset lots of folks by pulling that stuff up or just walking off. Folks start justifying it and I can't even be bothered explaining my opposition to it, because I know the moment I leave, I'll be the next topic. I just go.
3. Do I listen to backbiting and by so doing encourage this characteristic in another person?
Nope - as above.
4.Do I talk so much that I deprive others of the opportunity to express their knowledge and ideas?
I talk a lot on this board...Much more than you'd get out of me in a verbal conversation...here I am actually sharing my thoughts. Not talking as such... When I'm working, trying to do a job, I deprive folks though I reckon...I just want it done, and usually know what I want done, or what is needed...and I tend to talk quickly and briefly. I get impatient when I don't explain stuff properly or have to repeat myself, or folks stand around showing no initiative, and not thinking for themselves or creatively...those things drives me nuts. Having said all that...if I'm not focussed on a specific task, and am just conversing, I like listening. I also like learning, and usually leave most convos feeling inspired by something I've just learned about the person, topic, or some weirdly abstract thing I connected with that is gauranteed to keep my attention for at least another hour.
5. Do I talk too little, depriving others of my ideas, experience, and knowledge?
Most folks know very little about me - they know what they need to know, I guess. It's not important that everyone knows everything about me. If I see someone floundering, who could benefit directly from my ideas, experience or knowledge I'll offer it...but that rarely comes down to talking. That's more about doing.
6. Do I speak with a too loud and intimidating a voice?
I can. I supposed it depends on whether someone is trying to intimidate me...When I've had folks try to persuade me into something I don't want to do or attempt to baffle me with bullshit...I have a tone I use. It's not really a change in volume...more a direct look and tone that says "Choose your next words carefully." Generally, I am slow to answer folks...and I know that annoys people...some get quite uneasy. People are not always comfortable with thoughtful types, but I like to think about my words and other people words.
7. do I speak with a murmer, so that others have to really strain or sometimes are not able to hear what I have to say?
No...but I murmur when I sing songs I don't know all the words of
8. Am I argumentative, quarrelsome or defensive when presenting my ideas?
No...I am rigid. I rarely speak without certainty. I don't mind if folks disagree because its usually alread sorted in my head. So when I present something for others to consider, it has usually been turned every which way in my own mind already. I'm keen to hear folks disagree, because I am willing to test my own thinking. Even if I say I'm not sure about something, it is still rigid...I am not one that goes this way and then that outwardly. I will present a dilemma, and then act on the decision that follows.
9. Do I use sarcasm, hurting the feelings of others with my cutting remarks, for of all the verbal techniques for dominating people, sarcasm is probably the most cruel?
I used to be very objectionable to sarcasm. Now I choose to see it as humour. One of my best friends is not a direct speaker...he has trouble saying No and objects very passively or subtley...I have come to understand that some folks just communicate like that...and it's ok. When I started recognising that sarcasm is usually a subtle objection, I learned I could keep laughing with the person while still acknowledging their problem, and addressing it without forcing them into a corner they can't function in. Pushing the passive types is cruel, I think, and it doesn't help them communicate at all. I am a direct person...my remarks can be cutting, and I try to tread gently and remember not everyone likes straight talkers. Sometimes I have to go back and clarify my intentions...and I get frustrated with that sometimes...I just wish folks would believe in my goodness, like I choose to prioritise theirs.
10. Do I whine and complain? which may say to the listener, "See how weak I am! You must take care of me and see to it that I get what I want."
Oh...I jump in the pity pot sometimes. Not very often, but I have my turn. And I will stay there as long as folks play along with it (like most people, I think). Truth is, I have a lot to take care of (critters, machinary, fences, assignments etc) so I can't play that game for long without life kicking me up the bum.
11. Do I sulk, holding myself aloof in a sullenly ill-humored or offended mood?
Nah - I am not easily offended at all. I don't object to differing ideas or approaches. I like anything that makes me think, stimulates me to question things. I can be aloof though... there are folks I would never be rude to, but I don't encourage them in any way either. I don't want to know everyone.
12. Do I give too much expression to my feelings of discouragement, depression, or sadness, and thus darken the lives of others, while atr the same time refusing to change my conditions?
Gawd....that's a morbid picture, isn't it? I honestly hope not.
13. Am I habitually late for appointments? If so, am I really saying to the indiviual or group kept waiting for me "Your time is less valuable than mine, so it doesn't matter if I waste some of your time; you should be willing to wait on my convenience."?
Yes - I am often late and have always been late. I have offended some friends by being late. I am never intentionally or carelessly late...but I am often late, and often get quite distressed when I know I am meeting a punctual type, and may be seen as insulting them or taking advantage of them. Often I will rush in all stressed out, and find they aren' t even there yet! Tis a weird world we live in... We really have no control over where we are meant to be, but try telling that to time freak!
14. Do I break promises?
Nope - I very rarely make them.
15. Am I frequently indecisive saying, "Do whatever you like: either way is all right with me, I really don't have any preference. ( I do this often!)
This is tricky...sometimes I really don't care. I go for a organised ride each week with a friend. Sometimes, when I have nothing on the agenda, I am happy to just roam...and that gets on his nerves when I say I don't mind where we go....Other days, I might need a post office, bank or something, so will need to go to a certain town or whatever, so I will say so. Not everything needs a decision...sometimes we can go with the flow...other times we need to steer the ship. As a Mum, I find it harder to go with the flow, I think. My kids have just hit an age where they really need to spread their wings a bit and make a few mistakes, and I have to keep reminding myself that they don't need me to think for them so much anymore or make their decisions. Am trying to break that ten year habit.
16. Do I make an overly boastful display of my intelligence, my attainments, or my possessions? Do I "show off" so I can make it clear that I wish to "separate" myself from others?
I honestly hope not. Taking stock of those things is still overwhelming for me... I have trouble believing how far I have come. I would hope people would hear my gratitude before they heard the material stuff.
17. Do I show contempt for the feelings, ideas or actions of others?
Contempt? Not in daily life...I don't resent anything or anyone in my life today. I have contempt for politics...certain systems that exist though...Very hard to respect everything that goes on beyond me and my immediate environment.
18. Do I demand special privileges, so that others are deprived? Do I expect to have the most comfortable chair, the most honored seat at a gathering or the highest position in any group or organization to which I belong?
No - very much the opposite. I demand equality. In schools I am referred to by my first name and I have to really fight to maintain that...there are many that don't approve of the concept. I don't use titles when I address people. I don't want bigger desks, chairs etc...it goes directly against my personal purpose. If kids are seated on the concrete floor, then I sit with them there. I will also attempt to dethrone those who maintain inequality, if only by pointing it out and raising awareness by highlighting the difference. The highest position in any group is always a privilege...if folks don't see the value of sharing it and passing on the privilege, then they are clearly not a team player, and no man is an island.
19. Do I dislike another person because that person shows a character trait of my own, which I am trying to ignore in myself? If I express an intense dislike for greediness, is it because I am really a greedy person?
What a wishy-washy question... Is this some weird twist on Freud's penis envy or something? I have disliked people for many reasons...sometimes its been because they have had qualities I've wanted and never believed I could manifest...other times it's been because their qualities contrast mine so blatantly that it was hard to find common ground. The problem with denial is...you can't break it by looking at your own reflection in others...you have to look clearly at yourself. Am I a greedy person? Definately when it came to the grog...definately when it comes to chocolate...not with money...not with people...maybe with animals...I do love them and love having them around...and I probably have more than most people and would still take more...Yes, I'm greedy.
20. Am I always asking myself the question, "What will other people say?"
No. I don't think I've ever asked myself that...and no-one has ever said it to me either.
aaqld said
Jun 26, 2005
wantneeda wrote: 20. Am I always asking myself the question, "What will other people say?"
Hi wantneeda, Good inventory list!
When I came into AA, I had all the above in chronic proportions.
The one that still gives me a little trouble is no 20 but in most cases I am aware of it today and more importantly am aware of how little value this kind of thinking has in recovery, (or anywhere else for that matter). It is much (very much) better than when I first came in, but I know that the core of this approval seeking still resides within.
Being aware of ideas that no longer serve me is the first step in getting rid of those ideas, but -- I first had to be convinced that these ideas were actually harmful to me.
For example, in recovery, it was pointed out to me that criticism is no good for me and has no place in recovery (or anywhere else), but it made no sense for a long time so I kept doing it. It took me ages to stop being a whimper and a whiner - to just shut up.
Criticizing it seems is being judgemental. Being judgemental is questioning Gods creation/s. It is playing God. It is saying that I know better than God and the way I think it should be would be much better. The truth is, "it is how it is".
It seems that acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. (where have I heard that before?)
The ways by which people try to dominate others or demonstrate selfishness are of two types: the active, obvious ways, and the less active, more indirect ways. Among the active, obvious techniques are the use of physical force, bullying, boasting, temper tantrums, and excessive noisiness. these obvious ways are easily identified. It is in the use of the less obvious methods that we often fail to realize that the real purpose of our behaviour is to compel another person to do what we want.
The following is a partial list of questions we should occasionally ask ourselves in order to guard against the subtle attitudes of selfishness and the feeling that "we must get our own way."
1. Do I frequently find fault with others, with members of my family, friends, or those with whom i work. If I do, why am I so sure that my own way of feeling, thinking and acting is so much better than theirs.
2. Do I engage in backbiting? The dictionary difines backbiting as "speaking negatively about the absent."
3. Do I listen to backbiting and by so doing encourage this characteristic in another person?
4.Do I talk so much that I deprive others of the opportunity to express their knowledge and ideas?
5. Do I talk too little, depriving others of my ideas, experience, and knowledge?
6. Do I speak with a too loud and intimidating a voice?
7. do I speak with a murmer, so that others have to really strain or sometimes are not able to hear what I have to say?
8. Am I argumentative, quarrelsome or defensive when presenting my ideas?
9. Do I use sarcasm, hurting the feelings of others with my cutting remarks, for of all the verbal techniques for dominating people, sarcasm is probably the most cruel?
10. Do I whine and complain? which may say to the listener, "See how weak I am! You must take care of me and see to it that I get what I want."
11. Do I sulk, holding myself aloof in a sullenly ill-humored or offended mood?
12. Do I give too much expression to my feelings of discouragement, depression, or sadness, and thus darken the lives of others, while atr the same time refusing to change my conditions?
13. Am I habitually late for appointments? If so, am I really saying to the indiviual or group kept waiting for me "Your time is less valuable than mine, so it doesn't matter if I waste some of your time; you should be willing to wait on my convenience."?
14. Do I break promises?
15. Am I frequently indecisive saying, "Do whatever you like: either way is all right with me, I really don't have any preference. ( I do this often!)
16. Do I make an overly boastful display of my intelligence, my attainments, or my possessions? Do I "show off" so I can make it clear that I wish to "separate" myself from others?
17. Do I show contempt for the feelings, ideas or actions of others?
18. Do I demand special privileges, so that others are deprived? Do I expect to have the most comfortable chair, the most honored seat at a gathering or the highest position in any group or organization to which I belong?
19. Do I dislike another person because that person shows a character trait of my own, which I am trying to ignore in myself? If I express an intense dislike for greediness, is it because I am really a greedy person?
20. Am I always asking myself the question, "What will other people say?"
1. Do I frequently find fault with others, with members of my family, friends, or those with whom i work. If I do, why am I so sure that my own way of feeling, thinking and acting is so much better than theirs.
In academia the hardest thing I encountered was learning to think critically...it used to bring me to tears and I struggled with the whole concept to the point where I nearly surrendered my goal. I kept thinking I can't do this...I have spent 4 years reprogramming myself to think constructively, removing negatives, looking for the good in myself and in others...and now I have to turn it all over back to front and arse about? Eventually I learned to do it...without bias...by removing emotional arguments, clarifying the personal or mutual goal and asking myself "What is real here?" "What is really happening/changing?"...by getting hard on myself, clarifying my values and becoming willing to stand true to them. I had to learn to use discernment. It was in accepting my own equality, that I have learned to speak with others as equals. We each speak from within our experience.
2. Do I engage in backbiting? The dictionary difines backbiting as "speaking negatively about the absent."
Nah...I upset lots of folks by pulling that stuff up or just walking off. Folks start justifying it and I can't even be bothered explaining my opposition to it, because I know the moment I leave, I'll be the next topic. I just go.
3. Do I listen to backbiting and by so doing encourage this characteristic in another person?
Nope - as above.
4.Do I talk so much that I deprive others of the opportunity to express their knowledge and ideas?
I talk a lot on this board...Much more than you'd get out of me in a verbal conversation...here I am actually sharing my thoughts. Not talking as such... When I'm working, trying to do a job, I deprive folks though I reckon...I just want it done, and usually know what I want done, or what is needed...and I tend to talk quickly and briefly. I get impatient when I don't explain stuff properly or have to repeat myself, or folks stand around showing no initiative, and not thinking for themselves or creatively...those things drives me nuts. Having said all that...if I'm not focussed on a specific task, and am just conversing, I like listening. I also like learning, and usually leave most convos feeling inspired by something I've just learned about the person, topic, or some weirdly abstract thing I connected with that is gauranteed to keep my attention for at least another hour.
5. Do I talk too little, depriving others of my ideas, experience, and knowledge?
Most folks know very little about me - they know what they need to know, I guess. It's not important that everyone knows everything about me. If I see someone floundering, who could benefit directly from my ideas, experience or knowledge I'll offer it...but that rarely comes down to talking. That's more about doing.
6. Do I speak with a too loud and intimidating a voice?
I can. I supposed it depends on whether someone is trying to intimidate me...When I've had folks try to persuade me into something I don't want to do or attempt to baffle me with bullshit...I have a tone I use. It's not really a change in volume...more a direct look and tone that says "Choose your next words carefully." Generally, I am slow to answer folks...and I know that annoys people...some get quite uneasy. People are not always comfortable with thoughtful types, but I like to think about my words and other people words.
7. do I speak with a murmer, so that others have to really strain or sometimes are not able to hear what I have to say?
No...but I murmur when I sing songs I don't know all the words of
8. Am I argumentative, quarrelsome or defensive when presenting my ideas?
No...I am rigid. I rarely speak without certainty. I don't mind if folks disagree because its usually alread sorted in my head. So when I present something for others to consider, it has usually been turned every which way in my own mind already. I'm keen to hear folks disagree, because I am willing to test my own thinking. Even if I say I'm not sure about something, it is still rigid...I am not one that goes this way and then that outwardly. I will present a dilemma, and then act on the decision that follows.
9. Do I use sarcasm, hurting the feelings of others with my cutting remarks, for of all the verbal techniques for dominating people, sarcasm is probably the most cruel?
I used to be very objectionable to sarcasm. Now I choose to see it as humour. One of my best friends is not a direct speaker...he has trouble saying No and objects very passively or subtley...I have come to understand that some folks just communicate like that...and it's ok. When I started recognising that sarcasm is usually a subtle objection, I learned I could keep laughing with the person while still acknowledging their problem, and addressing it without forcing them into a corner they can't function in. Pushing the passive types is cruel, I think, and it doesn't help them communicate at all. I am a direct person...my remarks can be cutting, and I try to tread gently and remember not everyone likes straight talkers. Sometimes I have to go back and clarify my intentions...and I get frustrated with that sometimes...I just wish folks would believe in my goodness, like I choose to prioritise theirs.
10. Do I whine and complain? which may say to the listener, "See how weak I am! You must take care of me and see to it that I get what I want."
Oh...I jump in the pity pot sometimes. Not very often, but I have my turn. And I will stay there as long as folks play along with it (like most people, I think). Truth is, I have a lot to take care of (critters, machinary, fences, assignments etc) so I can't play that game for long without life kicking me up the bum.
11. Do I sulk, holding myself aloof in a sullenly ill-humored or offended mood?
Nah - I am not easily offended at all. I don't object to differing ideas or approaches. I like anything that makes me think, stimulates me to question things. I can be aloof though... there are folks I would never be rude to, but I don't encourage them in any way either. I don't want to know everyone.
12. Do I give too much expression to my feelings of discouragement, depression, or sadness, and thus darken the lives of others, while atr the same time refusing to change my conditions?
Gawd....that's a morbid picture, isn't it? I honestly hope not.
13. Am I habitually late for appointments? If so, am I really saying to the indiviual or group kept waiting for me "Your time is less valuable than mine, so it doesn't matter if I waste some of your time; you should be willing to wait on my convenience."?
Yes - I am often late and have always been late. I have offended some friends by being late. I am never intentionally or carelessly late...but I am often late, and often get quite distressed when I know I am meeting a punctual type, and may be seen as insulting them or taking advantage of them. Often I will rush in all stressed out, and find they aren' t even there yet! Tis a weird world we live in... We really have no control over where we are meant to be, but try telling that to time freak!
14. Do I break promises?
Nope - I very rarely make them.
15. Am I frequently indecisive saying, "Do whatever you like: either way is all right with me, I really don't have any preference. ( I do this often!)
This is tricky...sometimes I really don't care. I go for a organised ride each week with a friend. Sometimes, when I have nothing on the agenda, I am happy to just roam...and that gets on his nerves when I say I don't mind where we go....Other days, I might need a post office, bank or something, so will need to go to a certain town or whatever, so I will say so. Not everything needs a decision...sometimes we can go with the flow...other times we need to steer the ship. As a Mum, I find it harder to go with the flow, I think. My kids have just hit an age where they really need to spread their wings a bit and make a few mistakes, and I have to keep reminding myself that they don't need me to think for them so much anymore or make their decisions. Am trying to break that ten year habit.
16. Do I make an overly boastful display of my intelligence, my attainments, or my possessions? Do I "show off" so I can make it clear that I wish to "separate" myself from others?
I honestly hope not. Taking stock of those things is still overwhelming for me... I have trouble believing how far I have come. I would hope people would hear my gratitude before they heard the material stuff.
17. Do I show contempt for the feelings, ideas or actions of others?
Contempt? Not in daily life...I don't resent anything or anyone in my life today. I have contempt for politics...certain systems that exist though...Very hard to respect everything that goes on beyond me and my immediate environment.
18. Do I demand special privileges, so that others are deprived? Do I expect to have the most comfortable chair, the most honored seat at a gathering or the highest position in any group or organization to which I belong?
No - very much the opposite. I demand equality. In schools I am referred to by my first name and I have to really fight to maintain that...there are many that don't approve of the concept. I don't use titles when I address people. I don't want bigger desks, chairs etc...it goes directly against my personal purpose. If kids are seated on the concrete floor, then I sit with them there. I will also attempt to dethrone those who maintain inequality, if only by pointing it out and raising awareness by highlighting the difference. The highest position in any group is always a privilege...if folks don't see the value of sharing it and passing on the privilege, then they are clearly not a team player, and no man is an island.
19. Do I dislike another person because that person shows a character trait of my own, which I am trying to ignore in myself? If I express an intense dislike for greediness, is it because I am really a greedy person?
What a wishy-washy question... Is this some weird twist on Freud's penis envy or something? I have disliked people for many reasons...sometimes its been because they have had qualities I've wanted and never believed I could manifest...other times it's been because their qualities contrast mine so blatantly that it was hard to find common ground. The problem with denial is...you can't break it by looking at your own reflection in others...you have to look clearly at yourself. Am I a greedy person? Definately when it came to the grog...definately when it comes to chocolate...not with money...not with people...maybe with animals...I do love them and love having them around...and I probably have more than most people and would still take more...Yes, I'm greedy.
20. Am I always asking myself the question, "What will other people say?"
No. I don't think I've ever asked myself that...and no-one has ever said it to me either.
Hi wantneeda, Good inventory list!
When I came into AA, I had all the above in chronic proportions.
The one that still gives me a little trouble is no 20 but in most cases I am aware of it today and more importantly am aware of how little value this kind of thinking has in recovery, (or anywhere else for that matter). It is much (very much) better than when I first came in, but I know that the core of this approval seeking still resides within.
Being aware of ideas that no longer serve me is the first step in getting rid of those ideas, but -- I first had to be convinced that these ideas were actually harmful to me.
For example, in recovery, it was pointed out to me that criticism is no good for me and has no place in recovery (or anywhere else), but it made no sense for a long time so I kept doing it. It took me ages to stop being a whimper and a whiner - to just shut up.
Criticizing it seems is being judgemental. Being judgemental is questioning Gods creation/s. It is playing God. It is saying that I know better than God and the way I think it should be would be much better. The truth is, "it is how it is".
It seems that acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. (where have I heard that before?)