Wendy...this is such a great share. When folks share their growing understanding of what the steps mean and do, it encourages and fortifies me.

The bullshit meter is definately one of sobriety's blessings...backed up brilliantly with the 552 prayer. I needed a reminder about the prayer, and that in praying for others I begin by wishing them everything I would hope for myself... that always gives me an immediate shift in thinking.

Am heaps glad you had a great day yesterday and spent the day with others. So many of my dreams were diminished when I chose instead to drink. Slowly, they started coming back alongside my sober days...little bits of my potential began to surface, and I was able to start striving towards goals that before had just been "if only's" or "coulda beens". Bit by bit, I have stepped into the life I want to live, and become the person I once gave up on...stopped striving to be.

In sobriety, I have amazed myself by becoming willing to have a go. In simply doing this, I found many things were able to actually happen. The Promises probably sum it up much better than I could. But in terms of who I am and what I've done...well, it never fails to amaze me, when I do a bit of an inventory. I was never expected to amount to very much, I don't think...one of those people that parents gave up on, headmasters happily rid themselves of, employers regretted taking on, partners and the law attempted to retrain. Today, I continue to make my amends in all those areas by considering the many others just like me. The realisations that I am not different, and that there is no shining knight or fairy godmother who is going to come in and transform my mess, helps me tackle the steps. There's a lot I can't do and have to surrender, but there is also such a lot I CAN do. I try to focus on that.

My personal acheivements in sobriety are many. Listing them would do little but discourage folks I'd think, as they overwhelm me when I take stock of them. In early sobriety I could never have considered it possible that I, an alcoholic social reject could transform into a person with dignity, abilities, achievements, qualifications, beyond basic possessions and ongoing potential. I can only say that when I first read the promises, I rolled my eyes. Today, I pass them on and tell folks to read them and believe in AA, themselves and the person they want to become. We are all capable of living the life we want to live.

My sponsor was tough. She broke me often, and thoughts of her can break me today. For that I will be forever grateful. She shared with me her struggles and she stood by, through mine. Another guy refused to sponsor me when she went travelling for a year, he said no...and still today I consider him a wonderful sponsor! The things we learned together, and alongside each other are lessons I still cherish. His active participation in my life can be defined as nothing but sponsorship, yet he was uncomfortable with the title - afraid he'd let me down. Instead he shared his saving grace: fellowship. I have learned that we often like to think we have control...think we can say no to fellow members for whatever reason we conjur up or pretend others have conjurred up on our behalf. As alkies we each need folks willing to look beyond the limits of our own thinking. Today, I would never encourage anyone to say no - I would say: Just do what you can.

Gammy mentioned the other day the "Women for women thing", referring to the old school.  I have heard this too. But I have never actually seen it, or experienced it in my journey. The concept may have been acted on years back, or it may not have been...I can't say I know, as it has only ever been spoken of. My experience has always been that we help each other, and become willing to model ourselves on inspiring behaviour, and listen to others guidance alongside the sharing of own experiences, developing strength and hope for today. "Anyone, anywhere..." suggests to me that we learn to lift ourselves above limitations of gender, status, race, age, etc. If we have problems that directly involve race or gender or whatever, then we need the help of those who may be in those groups to help open our perspectives. We can't just think ourselves better. I once had huge issues with men...they were a big part of my excuses...hanging out at womens meetings didn't help me change that...my sponsor sent me to a place where I would have to face them and deal with them and learn to live equally among them...building trust, acceptance, seeing them as humans who hurt, learning to say no..etc. etc.

Our program exists because two men believed in themselves and their place in the greater scheme of things enough to help others find that same faith. How we traverse the steps is the miracle, yet many have and do, and go on to experience wonderful successes, changes, achievements and blessings. Your share is evidence of that. Thankyou Wendy.

Thanks for your reply Nic!!!

A knight in shining armor sure sounds good though doesn't it???? lol...ya me to...i kept waitnig  for something or someone to "fix" everything...rescue me. If it were'nt for where i went to get clean and sober and making the choice to keep going to meetings i would have never known that all along its me...just simply me, that has to do the work. God helps those who help themselves.

Is it possible to feel more gratitude in a heart that is already full??

I told my friend that i was at the top of my list for my step 8, they didn't agree. But i said if i don't and make that amend to myself , how can i possibly make amends to others.? And just simply( well i say simply...lol) staying clean and sober is an amend to myself, not to mention others. Its in forgiving that i'm able to move on. It's in knowing that i can't change the past, but i don't have to live in it that i have hope for today.

I spent so many years looking behind me instead of in front of me that i almost killed myself.

One foot in the past, one foot in the future leaves me pi$$in' on today.

I never knew what i wanted to be when i grew up, besides just being grown up. I didn't really have any dreams that i remember anyway, besides maybe the white picket fence. I just didn't know who i was, or who i wanted to be. So itried to be who i thought others wanted me to be. I lost me in the shuffle.

Then years later in active addiction i made a joke out of it...i'd say...when i grow up i want to be just like me. Well how ironic!!! I realy do, no joke but the difference today is that i want to me but better! In fact when i joked about that i really was thinking down deep that i wanted to be anyone BUT me!!

I don't think that way anymore!!!Thank God!!!!

So i'm realizing that i can dream!!! and not only that but that dreams really can come true.

now back to that thinking that i don't know what i want to be, i still don't, but i know it will come to me..and if it doesn't then simply staying clean and sober and changing the cycle of addiction i n my family, being a role model  for my girls is miracle in itself!! As long as i keep working on myself, learning, growing i feel more everyday that i can accomplish things, i've proven that to myself. I said that i could never make decisions...i prefer others to make them for me...my firend called me on that bullcrap meter you speak of...saying that I've been clean and sober for how many days?? that i chose to stay in treatment, i could have walked, i know this. So that proves that i caN MAKE DECISIONS! And yes, the biggest key is Willingness.But for me willingness isn't enough, it';s the action that counts.Thats what i'm working on today, not just dreaming but doing.Like i've heard said...we are not simply human beings...we are human doings!! The fact that i look forward to dreaming and making dreams a reality keeps me going. today i'm dreaming of not picking up that dreaded first drink..and i can act on the things that make that a reality. and that keeps in my amend to myself and those that love me.

I can smile today, from the inside out. Thats a miracle.

Today i will not "should" on myself!!!

hugs and hugs, Wendy

Seems to have been a real roller coaster of a day today...i even started crying on the bus tonight on the way home from work. I think my brains been doing overtime...

I've been trying to think of what my first childhood memory is....More stuffed than i thought i had???

Like i said...a real roller coaster...

good night friends

Wendy

Wendy, I have those days and it's okay. I have to remember let time take time,keep it simple and relax and breathe.

I can remember when I started working on my 4th Step and then on my defects, I would pray for God to show me in His time what I needed to know,just when I needed to know it. I still do that , His time is perfect, I seem to want to rush things, then everything gets all jumbled up and I have a hard time sorting it all out.I am working on a 4th Step now, I will never graduate from this program, thank God.

What's the last thing you and your daughters did together just for fun? Somedays I just need a break from the recovery stuff and  just have a me day. Mine was my garage sale adventure last week-end. One day at a time my friend.

Those memories will come when they are suppose to.

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose

Thanks Gammy, hugs to you!!

Hey Nic?? just wondered if you saw my last reply to you  here...:)

Hi Wendy,

No mate. Sorry, I hadn't seen it. Have just come to the end of my exams, and the past week has been pretty much "head down" prepping for them. Have been popping in here briefly, but haven't had much chance to look too far down the page. It is a weary Nic, who writes today.The adrenalin was rushing for a week, and now I feel nothing short of dopey, to be honest. But I got there. Kicked another couple of goals...moved closer to the big one. I now enter my final year, that I plan to do over 18 months and the end is in sight. Yeeehah!

You always share so well...It is very real and I often find myself feeling the emotions you speak of. You have a knack of being able to inspire others, because you are willing to question, look beyond the square while living and letting live. I honestly think you would be a great mother and I don't care what anyone says, the world would be a very different place if we could spread the good mothers out, and let them work in communities doing what they do best.

Is it possible to feel more gratitude in a heart that is already full??

Maybe. My sponsor asked me: So, why do we ask for more love, if we don't recognise or know what to do with the love we've already been given? We are funny creatures us humans, I've decided...the glass can go from half empty to half full in the blink of an eye...and it's still ok. We still get there. There is no real black mark against our name, or a points penalty. The trick is always finding the most manageable response, I guess. If 5 people call it half full, then there's little point arguing...we just speak our truth and honour it. No need to defend it. The even trickier bit is keeping it that simple when everyone agrees with you.

Amends can be huge, or they can be minimised. I prefer to think of mine as ongoing, as I figure I don't need to amplify my wrongdoing and shortcomings during drinking anymore (having several written 4's means I can read over this when I need a wake up call), I would much rather keep working towards setting those things right. A lot of things from my childhood and during my drinking can't be undone for me, but I can strive and attempt to ensure other kids or alkies don't feel the same abandonment, fear, pain etc. I forgive myself (and much of what I've done) everytime I hug a drunk, feed a drunk, pick one up from the watchhouse, tell him he's not on his own, or as is currently the case go round and rev the bloke into action and tell him house is a pig sty and his cows are in the neighbours paddock lol...that kind of thing.

Looking back, I think my perception of amends has changed many times. And maybe that is how its meant to be. I do remember putting my name on the top of the list (at my sponsors instruction) and I'm not sure how impacting that was for me at the time...maybe I was still struggling with blame? I was a kid that grew up plied with grog and sedatives. It took me a while to work out exactly when my drinking moved from someone elses responsibility to become my responsibility. But I got there. It took a while to learn that it has never mattered "who starts it" it's about what we do with our choices.

So my amends continue alongside life. I kicked the dog the other day. Moments like that turn me to tears real quick. I can momentarily despise myself all over again, start bellowing at everyone around me for their lack of support, inefficiency, whatever...take my frustrations out on the sky...curse...and then face my own humility. Sink into that place where we know we've come in short and there is no choice but to hand it over, and make a conscious effort to right our wrong. My dog came to me this morning with a cracked paw. She's maybe trodden on something in the paddock. I felt good she still trusted me to help her. She did the rounds with me today limping about beside me, with her foot wrapped up, and I just kept thinking how lucky I was...that there's people around who help us forgive ourselves.

Why would we ask for more love?

Bit rambly today mate, so I hope I make sense. The rain has stopped and the farm looks gorgeous. I'm heading out to see how the critters have held up.

I hope you have a great day. Life is a rollercoaster Wendy...ya just gotta remember rollercoasters are fun! We go down and we lose our breath and our eyes bug out of our heads and then we go up and we can squeal with delight...and at the end we get off smiling. Cos that is life, and rollercoasters have always been the best ride at carnival!

You keep smiling, and if you're not - trust in this fact: It won't last long. (This too shall pass)

Nic