In Early Recovery...How soon can you have a new Relationship???
Just Toni said
Oct 24, 2009
Hi everyone,
Well since my Remote Control has become my Best friend in the last few days. Had to share this with you.
I watched a cute Recovery movie "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock, and heard a great answer to the above question.
Probably the first question we all ask, How soon can I have a Relationship....
Here is what the Movie AA counselor said, "Well, in your First Year, buy a Plant, at the end of that year, buy a Pet, and IF.. at the end of that Second Year, they are both still ..alive ..., that would be when I would recommend starting a Relationship"
Great light hearted energy in this Movie.
Toodles,
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Saturday 24th of October 2009 02:50:03 PM
StPeteDean said
Oct 24, 2009
I waited over 3 years.
Sandra Bullock went to the "other" high school in my town, and Katie Curic went to our school. I have that movie.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 24th of October 2009 04:41:19 PM
Phil said
Oct 24, 2009
I used to have a big problem...trying to find the difference..between lust, emotional need, and love..
Took a long time to find out what the word love meant..and that didnt happen till I learned to love myself first..
Nothing wrong with a mutual jump in the sack..but I always wanted to marry them the next day..:)
A bit of emotional need involved also..to put it mildly..
Time takes time..
And the one thing that I think most of us have a problem with..is "Patience"
Keep Smilin!!
Just Toni said
Oct 24, 2009
Hiya Phil,
It has been ages. Your reponse made me chuckle, me too, I think I started to feel suspicious of my motives, when I would go out on Just one date, I would go home and start thinking of that Proverbial Moving truck. (yep we were in my fantasy, already getting married) makes me laugh now. But I had a really good male friend that had the same problem..... with woman he would meet. So we did a lot of Practice dating, for almost 2 years, never slept together, just practicing the taking each other out on our Birthday, and the gifts, and the Holidays, and even a brief week end trip. the idea was that we wanted to understand what it felt like to...first...be respected, then trusted, and being responsible about all thing involved in dating. It was a great experiment, and he is still a great friend, I get notes from him all the time, he did finally get married, but we will always be friends. That practice dating really saved my butt from going from the Frying Pan straight into the Fire.....
Toodles, Toni PS Hope life is treating you well and you are enjoying that relationship now. great news by the way.
kkotz401 said
Oct 24, 2009
I would not recommend anyone in recovery date until they are at least one year sober.
ljc said
Oct 24, 2009
I believe everybody is different. I have seen more ppl ( than not ) get into relationships to early and fail. By failing I mean the relationship doesn't work out, either party goes out and drinks, etc.
I was in a long term relationship before I got sober. Thank God for my sponsor who helped me thru those early times of sobering up. Which was basically the first year. Not that I dont still have problems, but they are much easier to deal with as each day goes by, cuz I have learned so much. What I learned is that I was totally incapable of loving or caring for another individual as long as I was full of hate . And when I got sober, I was FULL of hatred, anger, resentments, and all those other character defects that made me sick. Now, pre-AA I would tell ppl ... ( husband, kids, siblings, Parents ) that I loved them, but it was merely lip service . I mean c'mon ... I didnt have a clue what love really was . But today I do !!! Thanks be to Gods grace and the life changing program of AA.
The movie with Sandra Bullock is a great flick. And I totally agree with getting the plant, and then the pet. Taking care of them for a year to see how it goes. I tell new gals that I sponsor who are single that I HIGHLY suggest they keep the focus on them and staying sober. Forget about the guys !!! New ppl are so vulnerable when they come thru the doors. If a person is more concerned about impressing or dealing with another person in a relationship, then where is their loyalty to their own recovery and health ? It simply aint there .
To my knowledge there is no written rule on the relationship issue early on in sobriety. Its just merely again a suggestion. But a powerful and meaningful suggestion in my opinion . One that could possibly mean the difference between drunkeness and sobriety . Therefor, the difference between life and death too.
Jerry F said
Oct 24, 2009
I remember it like Phil talks about it all the while still having screwed up relationships. I didn't have a good relationship with myself how in the world could I have one with anyone else. What has worked for me is build the most important one (because it is) with my HP. No other relationship is as beneficial. Next build one with myself because as I was told by an early sponsor..."In the end even with HP's help, only you can save your own ass." Seems like a law of nature today. Next all other relationship are equal with the exception of that one person I choose to co-habitate with on a daily basis. She and I share special privilege but I love everyone else the same as I do myself and her. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of everyother human being for exactly who they are." (Recovery lesson of a highest level).
I know what the question is asking and the idea behind relationships. I never stopped having relationships and they became changed as I became changed. Until I changed all of my relationships would have been doomed.
My 3rd spouse and I just celebrated 15 years of wedded bliss (bledded wiss) recently which is more time once than the 2 other marriages before this for me. In between I had many affairs which stopped totally when the "practicing of principals" got in the way. Hurt a lot of people within those "harmless" thingys. Since I will never acquire the term "Saint" before my name I live in the day and take care of the 24 hours that I am along with my HP. I know what else I am capable of.
ljc said
Oct 25, 2009
Wow Jerry, thanks for your share. It really, really helped me this morning. Especially ( and I am coining it in my own terms ) Even in the end .. with Gods help, Im gonna have to save my own butt.
StPeteDean said
Oct 25, 2009
Taking relationships one day at a time is important as alcoholics (and codependents) tend to obsess and project way way way too much. Someone says hi and wedding plans are being made, or at least all that "forever and ever" kicks in. It's important to remember that we never own anyone. They are free to leave at anytime and tell us "it's been real and fun but I want to be somewhere else now". And we need to be ok with that, wish them well, and thank them for being in our life. I have guys ask me how to choose the right person. I tell them to choose someone that you can live without because you very well may have to. Sooner or later all relationships will end, and when they do, we're left with ourselves (and HP) again. If we keep that in the front of our head, act grateful for the time we get to spend each day, it will all look different to us. Each morning I see my wife as a new girlfriend for the day.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 25th of October 2009 05:45:41 AM
Just Toni said
Oct 25, 2009
Good Morning,
And LJC, Lori Jane, which do you prefer?... Anyway really liked your imput. It made so much sense.
Everyone is so different. We begin Recovery, from every walk of like, and depending on our own Backgrounds, how much the drugs and Alcohol had damaged further, an already damaged person, (speaking of myself here)
Walk in finally, to see if saving my own Life was going to be possible, with the Help of my Higher Power, and the Rooms of AA, and the Program that I had shunned for so long.
Came in with such big volumes of Self Hate, it took a long long time for me to get to a place, such as.....where some folks come in and stay in today.
I can recall the three emotions that expressed who I was. Raging Fear, Self Loathing, and Shame so deeply embedded in me, that it did not seem to be an emotion, but moreso, just who I was inside.
But the big difference was that I believed that all people can get well, as in those they speak of with grave disorders, "IF they have the Compacity to be honest", and I was now willing to do that, no matter what, and with the seeds of Faith that we growing in me. In my second year of Recovery, was diagnosed with Severe PTSD, sought out and found a wonderful Therapist that was trained in this field, and that was the most difficult, and wonderful at the same time, almost 10 years of Extra work along with my Number one commitment to my own Recovery, and my cherished Sobriety, which included daily AA meetings for those same 10 years.
Ok, I am trying to stay on Topic, but it relates to how we are different.
There are some new members here, that are already in a good solid relationship, and I appauld them. finally giving up the Alcohol, but with a clear, and good mental health about themselves.
For some of us that came in after ending a very sick long term relationship. Raging co-dependency, and then even thinking about the opposite sex, well speaking for myself, if I ever found myself even attracted to anyone, the crazy, As Dean was speaking of, the Moving truck and the Wedding Plans. well that was enough for me, to first, never ever return to that meeting. As in 'If you see someone you feel a strong attraction to, Run as fast as you can!" My Sponsor, who obviously knew me, better than I did. those were her words, and I believed her.
Kind of chuckling now, man oh man can I ever go on and on and on, perhaps to save some from this long dull read, how about, Some are Sicker than Others. Not really a need to elaborate, so well maybe I should delete 90 % of this, but hey, my friends here know that is just who I am at times...Still working on that condensing...promise.
I just loved that "Buy a Plant, then Buy a Pet, and if they are still living at the end of those two Years, go get yourself a relationship. such a Beautiful Ideal.
Happy Sunday to all.
Tonicakes
PS, LJC, see that you have one big Birthday coming up, and happy you joined us, and love all your Positive words that you contribute!
-- Edited by Just Toni on Sunday 25th of October 2009 10:14:36 AM
pinkchip said
Oct 25, 2009
This one is a tough one for me. I got into a new relationship at like just under 3 months sober. It is documented on this site in fact with all of you guys telling me it was a bad idea. It was a dangerous slope to be going down. I did start skipping Saturday night meetings and my sponsor lit into me. I learned a lot about putting my sobriety first and for some reason this other person has been supportive but he has boundaries and would not indulge in me taking him hostage even though I definitely tried. I still try and do that sometimes and I have to catch myself. I am only happy in the relationship when I don't obsess over it and "care" so much. It seems so counterintuitive, but I come to realize that the way I care about people is sick much of the time. That feeling of desperately needing or wanting a boyfriend now is not nearly as intense. I have one...I see him about 3 times a week and honestly, I think that is all I can handle in terms of a relationship at this point. All I ever did was move in with people after 3 dates so, I did do things differently this time even though some of the core behavior and motivations were sick. I came into AA sooooooooooooooooooooooo needy. It filtered into all my relationships. Even my relationship with my sponsor was tumultuous. I would cry and beat myself up if he said anything negative towards me...but then I would get over it. Sheesh. I am different now, but still lean pretty heavy to the needy side. Progress, not perfection.
P.S. I had a cat when I came into AA and thank GOD she isn't dead. As my super duper relationship neediness has quelled a bit, I now appreciate my cat more and enjoy time with her alone at home. It was at like 6 months when I realized she was great company (even though I loved her all along).
Edit - I have avoided sexual relations with the opposite sex for like 12 years now. Oh my god! I am so proud of myself!! I didn't even think about sex with women for this whole year!! YAY (read sarcasm).
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 25th of October 2009 10:38:16 AM
Jane05 said
Oct 26, 2009
Just Toni wrote:
"Well, in your First Year, buy a Plant, at the end of that year, buy a Pet, and IF.. at the end of that Second Year, they are both still ..alive ..., that would be when I would recommend starting a Relationship"
I really like this!!
Haven't shared so far, because I came into A.A. in a 18 or 19 year marriage. *He had a lot of HOPE* Haven't been in a new relationship, don't think he'd like that. Practicing what A.A. is teaching me is only make it better. Have no plans to move on and it doesn't look like he's going any where.
What I can share is what longtimers have shared with me, when I'm working with others. Most believe a person will do better in a new relationship after they have completed the Ninth Step. They say this cleans up our past and we have had a look at our defects which, possibly, probably, aided in the end of the other relationships. It also gives us time get a good relationship with our H.P. If I have my H.P. above everyone, things, I usually do a lot better all the way around.
Thanks - Great thread!!
jasperkent said
Oct 30, 2009
Lots of good comments here, but I think Phil summed it up best:
Phil wrote:
I used to have a big problem...trying to find the difference..between lust, emotional need, and love..
Took a long time to find out what the word love meant..and that didnt happen till I learned to love myself first....
I love the movie 28 Days, but I would add that some people might want to start with a picture of a plant... The general rule of thumb is to wait one year, but of course everybody is different (although we are not as different as our egos would like to think). I think the main thing to remember is that if we put anything ahead of our sobriety, we'll lose that thing as well as our sobriety. This is especially true in Early Sobriety. What's "early" ? For some folks it's six months; for others it's six years. Be honest with yourself. Keep in mind that to "intuitively know" is a Promise that does not come instantly; early in recovery, many situations will continue to "baffle us." It's easy to trade one addiction for another-- and sex, love, & affection are very attractive addictions.
To thine own self be true.
PS-- I know I'm only recently back from a relapse and don't know much about staying sober. However, I am very qualified on the subject of what one can do wrong!
PPS-- I had to go back and fix misspellings. Still not thinking clearly!
-- Edited by jasperkent on Friday 30th of October 2009 09:54:39 AM
-- Edited by jasperkent on Friday 30th of October 2009 01:46:51 PM
Avril G said
Nov 1, 2009
I was told 2 years, but of course me bding the original Mrs Arbutt though, 'Hey there's a guy over there looking at me, I wonder how long he's been around?' I was to later find out he was 14 months sober, and I was coming up on 10 months sober, we figured that between us we HAD the required 2 years, so we went for it.
What a total nightmare it was!!! Before I reached that magical '2 years before a relationship' point I did the same over again 3 times, then found a very good sponsor who got me through to a stage where I had no intentions of meeting a guy again until I had worked the programme honestly and totally and had stayed off men for 3 years.
During this time I had to work on my relationship with ME and then my relationship with MY God. Then I eventually met a man I married and we spent 2 very happy years together, and another 3 years in bloody misery until we divorced. I was 3 years sober, he was 6 years sober, but what the hell, it didn't work out.
This being my third marriage (and 3rd divorce) I vowed never to marry ever again, and that is still my feelings, though I am in a wonderful happy, honest relationship with a guy I met 10 years ago, and for both of us we feel we have each met our soulmate.
I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I met my prince, and oddly enough as it turned out he IS a frog (i.e. he is French speaking, which we call frogs in UK) He is Belgian born and got sober in Belgium and I have waited a bloody long time to find out what love is, and it has been worth waiting for.
Bottom line is, if you are entering into the relationship, you are confident that 'whatever happens' a drink is NOT going to be the solution to a breakdown of any relationship.
jasperkent said
Nov 1, 2009
Avril G -- I love your posts! Brutally honest yet full of humor as well.
To all women in early recovery (and many women in general), remember the quote often incorrectly attributed to Gloria Steinem:
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." -- Irina Dunn (Australian writer)
Thank you all for being here.
ryananderes said
Oct 8, 2024
SAP Certified Associate - Implementation Consultant - SAP Sales Cloud exam requires you to make sure a clear, profound and accurate understanding of the subjects covered in the exam syllabus. The most important thing to pass this exam is to access a study material that provides you exam-oriented, simplified and authentic information that is primary requirement of SAP C_C4H41_2405 Exam.
Well since my Remote Control has become my Best friend in the last few days. Had to share this with you.
I watched a cute Recovery movie "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock, and heard a great answer to the above question.
Probably the first question we all ask, How soon can I have a Relationship....
Here is what the Movie AA counselor said, "Well, in your First Year, buy a Plant, at the end of that year, buy a Pet, and IF..
at the end of that Second Year, they are both still ..alive
Great light hearted energy in this Movie.
Toodles,
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Saturday 24th of October 2009 02:50:03 PM
Sandra Bullock went to the "other" high school in my town, and Katie Curic went to our school.
I have that movie.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 24th of October 2009 04:41:19 PM
Took a long time to find out what the word love meant..and that didnt happen till I learned to love myself first..
Nothing wrong with a mutual jump in the sack..but I always wanted to marry them the next day..:)
A bit of emotional need involved also..to put it mildly..
Time takes time..
And the one thing that I think most of us have a problem with..is "Patience"
Keep Smilin!!
It has been ages. Your reponse made me chuckle, me too, I think I started to feel suspicious of my motives, when I would go out on Just one date, I would go home and start thinking of that Proverbial Moving truck. (yep we were in my fantasy, already getting married) makes me laugh now.
But I had a really good male friend that had the same problem..... with woman he would meet.
So we did a lot of Practice dating, for almost 2 years, never slept together, just practicing the taking each other out on our Birthday, and the gifts, and the Holidays, and even a brief week end trip. the idea was that we wanted to understand what it felt like to...first...be respected, then trusted, and being responsible about all thing involved in dating. It was a great experiment, and he is still a great friend, I get notes from him all the time, he did finally get married, but we will always be friends. That practice dating really saved my butt from going from the Frying Pan straight into the Fire.....
Toodles, Toni
PS Hope life is treating you well and you are enjoying that relationship now. great news by the way.
I believe everybody is different. I have seen more ppl ( than not ) get into relationships to early and fail. By failing I mean the relationship doesn't work out, either party goes out and drinks, etc.
I was in a long term relationship before I got sober. Thank God for my sponsor who helped me thru those early times of sobering up. Which was basically the first year. Not that I dont still have problems, but they are much easier to deal with as each day goes by, cuz I have learned so much.
What I learned is that I was totally incapable of loving or caring for another individual as long as I was full of hate . And when I got sober, I was FULL of hatred, anger, resentments, and all those other character defects that made me sick.
Now, pre-AA I would tell ppl ... ( husband, kids, siblings, Parents ) that I loved them, but it was merely lip service .
I mean c'mon ... I didnt have a clue what love really was .
But today I do !!! Thanks be to Gods grace and the life changing program of AA.
The movie with Sandra Bullock is a great flick. And I totally agree with getting the plant, and then the pet. Taking care of them for a year to see how it goes.
I tell new gals that I sponsor who are single that I HIGHLY suggest they keep the focus on them and staying sober. Forget about the guys !!! New ppl are so vulnerable when they come thru the doors. If a person is more concerned about impressing or dealing with another person in a relationship, then where is their loyalty to their own recovery and health ? It simply aint there .
To my knowledge there is no written rule on the relationship issue early on in sobriety. Its just merely again a suggestion. But a powerful and meaningful suggestion in my opinion . One that could possibly mean the difference between drunkeness and sobriety . Therefor, the difference between life and death too.
I remember it like Phil talks about it all the while still having screwed up
relationships. I didn't have a good relationship with myself how in the world
could I have one with anyone else. What has worked for me is build the most
important one (because it is) with my HP. No other relationship is as beneficial.
Next build one with myself because as I was told by an early sponsor..."In the
end even with HP's help, only you can save your own ass." Seems like a law
of nature today. Next all other relationship are equal with the exception of that
one person I choose to co-habitate with on a daily basis. She and I share
special privilege but I love everyone else the same as I do myself and her.
"Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for
exactly who they are." (Recovery lesson of a highest level).
I know what the question is asking and the idea behind relationships. I never
stopped having relationships and they became changed as I became changed.
Until I changed all of my relationships would have been doomed.
My 3rd spouse and I just celebrated 15 years of wedded bliss (bledded wiss)
recently which is more time once than the 2 other marriages before this for me.
In between I had many affairs which stopped totally when the "practicing of
principals" got in the way. Hurt a lot of people within those "harmless" thingys.
Since I will never acquire the term "Saint" before my name I live in the day and
take care of the 24 hours that I am along with my HP. I know what else I am
capable of.
Especially ( and I am coining it in my own terms ) Even in the end .. with Gods help, Im gonna have to save my own butt.
Each morning I see my wife as a new girlfriend for the day.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 25th of October 2009 05:45:41 AM
Good Morning,
And LJC, Lori Jane, which do you prefer?... Anyway really liked your imput. It made so much sense.
Everyone is so different. We begin Recovery, from every walk of like, and depending on our own Backgrounds, how much the drugs and Alcohol had damaged further, an already damaged person, (speaking of myself here)
Walk in finally, to see if saving my own Life was going to be possible, with the Help of my Higher Power, and the Rooms of AA, and the Program that I had shunned for so long.
Came in with such big volumes of Self Hate, it took a long long time for me to get to a place, such as.....where some folks come in and stay in today.
I can recall the three emotions that expressed who I was.
Raging Fear, Self Loathing, and Shame so deeply embedded in me, that it did not seem to be an emotion, but moreso, just who I was inside.
But the big difference was that I believed that all people can get well, as in those they speak of with grave disorders, "IF they have the Compacity to be honest", and I was now willing to do that, no matter what, and with the seeds of Faith that we growing in me. In my second year of Recovery, was diagnosed with Severe PTSD, sought out and found a wonderful Therapist that was trained in this field, and that was the most difficult, and wonderful at the same time, almost 10 years of Extra work along with my Number one commitment to my own Recovery, and my cherished Sobriety, which included daily AA meetings for those same 10 years.
Ok, I am trying to stay on Topic, but it relates to how we are different.
There are some new members here, that are already in a good solid relationship, and I appauld them. finally giving up the Alcohol, but with a clear, and good mental health about themselves.
For some of us that came in after ending a very sick long term relationship. Raging co-dependency, and then even thinking about the opposite sex, well speaking for myself, if I ever found myself even attracted to anyone, the crazy, As Dean was speaking of, the Moving truck and the Wedding Plans. well that was enough for me, to first, never ever return to that meeting. As in 'If you see someone you feel a strong attraction to, Run as fast as you can!" My Sponsor, who obviously knew me, better than I did. those were her words, and I believed her.
Kind of chuckling now, man oh man can I ever go on and on and on, perhaps to save some from this long dull read, how about, Some are Sicker than Others.
Not really a need to elaborate, so well maybe I should delete 90 % of this, but hey, my friends here know that is just who I am at times...Still working on that condensing...promise.
I just loved that "Buy a Plant, then Buy a Pet, and if they are still living at the end of those two Years, go get yourself a relationship. such a Beautiful Ideal.
Happy Sunday to all.
Tonicakes
PS, LJC, see that you have one big Birthday coming up, and happy you joined us, and love all your Positive words that you contribute!
-- Edited by Just Toni on Sunday 25th of October 2009 10:14:36 AM
P.S. I had a cat when I came into AA and thank GOD she isn't dead. As my super duper relationship neediness has quelled a bit, I now appreciate my cat more and enjoy time with her alone at home. It was at like 6 months when I realized she was great company (even though I loved her all along).
Edit - I have avoided sexual relations with the opposite sex for like 12 years now. Oh my god! I am so proud of myself!! I didn't even think about sex with women for this whole year!! YAY (read sarcasm).
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 25th of October 2009 10:38:16 AM
I really like this!!
Practicing what A.A. is teaching me is only make it better. Have no plans to move on and it doesn't look like he's going any where. 
Haven't shared so far, because I came into A.A. in a 18 or 19 year marriage. *He had a lot of HOPE* Haven't been in a new relationship, don't think he'd like that.
What I can share is what longtimers have shared with me, when I'm working with others. Most believe a person will do better in a new relationship after they have completed the Ninth Step. They say this cleans up our past and we have had a look at our defects which, possibly, probably, aided in the end of the other relationships. It also gives us time get a good relationship with our H.P. If I have my H.P. above everyone, things, I usually do a lot better all the way around.
Thanks - Great thread!!
I love the movie 28 Days, but I would add that some people might want to start with a picture of a plant... The general rule of thumb is to wait one year, but of course everybody is different (although we are not as different as our egos would like to think). I think the main thing to remember is that if we put anything ahead of our sobriety, we'll lose that thing as well as our sobriety. This is especially true in Early Sobriety. What's "early" ? For some folks it's six months; for others it's six years. Be honest with yourself. Keep in mind that to "intuitively know" is a Promise that does not come instantly; early in recovery, many situations will continue to "baffle us." It's easy to trade one addiction for another-- and sex, love, & affection are very attractive addictions.
PPS-- I had to go back and fix misspellings. Still not thinking clearly!To thine own self be true.
PS-- I know I'm only recently back from a relapse and don't know much about staying sober. However, I am very qualified on the subject of what one can do wrong!
-- Edited by jasperkent on Friday 30th of October 2009 09:54:39 AM
-- Edited by jasperkent on Friday 30th of October 2009 01:46:51 PM
To all women in early recovery (and many women in general), remember the quote often incorrectly attributed to Gloria Steinem:
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." -- Irina Dunn (Australian writer)
Thank you all for being here.
SAP Certified Associate - Implementation Consultant - SAP Sales Cloud exam requires you to make sure a clear, profound and accurate understanding of the subjects covered in the exam syllabus. The most important thing to pass this exam is to access a study material that provides you exam-oriented, simplified and authentic information that is primary requirement of SAP C_C4H41_2405 Exam.