I am doing my best. I emailed my sister and brother that I didn't want to be treated like they were the ones who had their shit together and I was some loser boozer.

Well my sister emailed me back this very cruel and biting email. It was filled with half truths and superiority. (My sister smokes marijuana daily and drinks daily). She was in full judgement of me and ripping me down.

Do I need this now? Should I continue with people who are toxic to me when I am getting my life in order? What did I do to deserve her stabbing me, I don't honesetly know. She tell me my child rearing isnt good, that I am a drunk (Which I know) that I am pretty much everything low on the planet. Yet says she isnt judging me.

I am very confused. Help!

hugs to you backforgood

From reading your words...what stuck out at me was your first line...that they are the ones with thier sh!te together and yoiu're a loser. It looks like you are judging yourself first and foremost, you're not a loser!!

That said, time takes time. how long have you been sober??

I know for me...i had to remove myself from toxic relationships in my family until i had a little knowledge of my program,,,some tools to help me deal with life on lifes terms. I am powerless over other people. What others think of me is actually none of my business. I need only concern myself with what I think of me. And the longer I don't drink the clearer my world is coming into focus.

I hurt my family alot when i was using...it's taken  some time for my family even to have anything to do with me. And actaully i did that on purpose. The guilt and shame I felt kept me at a distance from them.

You;ll see after some time passes and you stay sober that your relatrionships with your family change, they're not so hostile anymore

I just know that i have to do lots of work on myself first before anything else changes.

Look at things a different way, and the things you look at change.

We do have to be selfish in  a different way now. Have you gone to a meeting yet??

\\//Wendy

I have been sober 14 days. My sister instead of being supportive ripped me a new one through email of all things. 

It's hard to take 'advice' from someone whose still 'using'. I think that is what makes me the angriest.

I've been to meetings and will continue to go, I enjoy them. I also will continue to try to mind my own business, but when everyone's butting in it and they are actively drinking, it's very upsetting................

Hey Back4good,

I found out early on that no one was going to pat me on the back for my sobriety, I wasn't in the program for 6 years and a lot of toxic stuff was dumped on me and I dumped alot on others. I have lived off and on for the last 20+ years with my alcoholic husband, he now appreciates my sobriety but I better never talk about his or his lack of sobriety.

I found the support I needed through the programs of AA and Al-anon.Keep going to your meetings. I remember hearing over and over I needed a sponsor, sooooo I started praying God would show me who to ask. One night it became so clear who I was to ask. When I did she said yes, I found out we had so much in common, stuff you don't hear about in meetings.I have a new family in the program, they are the ones I get to choose, not the ones God gave me at birth, and they have helped me to deal with the biological family.The neat thing is my family now trusts me , they don't real know why, we don't discuss it , but I know why, that's what matters.

Keep doing what your doing, going to meetings, meetings and more meetings,posting here and staying sober one day at a time. As Wendy said let time take time, there are alot of things I will be working on for the rest of my life. You are in my prayers and I'm patting you on the back.

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose

Wow...14 days. What a miracle. Did you ever imagine that you would not have a drink for 2 weeks? I know I never did, and it just kept going. By not drinking, one day at a time, I have managed to get 4 yrs in. What a great thing for you.

Wendy mentioned time...Rick posted a definition of time I really like.

T hings

I

M ust

E arn

When I first got sober, I know my family was waiting for it to not last. My record had not been very good up to that point. I would make lots of promises that I couldn't keep. I would start something, but never follow through with it, so I can't blame them for being skeptical. And knowing that others in my family had thier faults wasn't good for me either. It was real  easy for me to try and throw their BS back at them to deflect what was going on with me. It was hard trying to get sober with my husband around...he had 11 years in AA by then. I always felt I was being judged and found wanting(that was my stuff, not his). I spent alot of time away from my family members in the beginning. When the time was right, I knew it. And it was then that I started trying to rebuild relationships within my family. And sometimes things are still shaky, but as long as I don't drink, I can work things out with them.

Concentrate on your sobriety right now. Everything else will come in God's time. Don't give up before the miracles happen.

Love, cheri

It amazes me to see the people so critical of us and our codependencies, yet they do the exact same-- actual, I'm wrong.  They don't even make an attempt at recovery.  :)  This post reminds me of my ex boyfriend, who I broke up with in January due to his family lifestyle with drinking.  I could see how all of them controlled him-- had him going in all different directions, had him living his life for them and I tried so hard to hang in there but couldn't.  I will love him for the rest of my life, even though I will never see him again.  However, he chose to allow his family to intervene, instead of living his own life and eventually I had to walk away.   How can a person break a cycle if they are not willing to set firm boundaries on who and what is important to them to their families.  The intimidation and guilt that is put into others in a family because one tries to recover sucks to put it mildly.  (Pardon me)  :)

Of course, the healthier we want to become, the more resistance we will get from people who live the same life we were taught to live.  Why?  Because they are not where we are at in looking at what it is they need to do in their life to break the cycle that we are typical taught coming from a family of addiction.  

I don't know about everyone else here, but what I have found with recovery is that in order to completely turn my life around, I had to make choices that included EXCLUDING my family when they overstepped boundaries-- to the point that I have had to say, that's it, you need to leave my home so often.   It took about 5 years though for them to start respecting my boundaries and rarely do they act with me as they used too. 

I love my family, but know that for my mental and emotional health I NEED to be able to completely separate from them to be okay.  Before I learned about my codependency, I also said to my ex-husband, Just because they're family, doesn't mean you have to like them, nor does it mean that you have to deal with the crap.  If anything, you shouldn't have to deal with the crap.  In turn, I found with the discovery of my own issues that this concept was completely correct and God has provided so many positive people in my life to offset the negativity of the people where I learned my unhealthy behaviors and thoughts. 

There will not be a day that goes by that I do not thank God for showing me that the most important and first in my life should be Him and as Jesus swept the sand off his feet and turned to walk away from the people that didn't even welcome him in his own hometown, at times I must do the same to continue to walk the path God has planned for my life.

I truly believe the most difficult aspect of recovery is that once we realize we have an issue and may even be in unhealthy relationships, whether they are personal or business and choose to walk away that the cycle continues because most people learned their behaviors from their family of course.  So if someone decides to seek recovery or leave an unhealthy relationship, yet only has their family in their life, then they end up in the same type of behavior again....  Ultimately, if someone truly wants to recover and break a cycle, they really need to understand that wherever they learned their behaviors from needs to be resolved FIRST and if that means walking away, then that is what they must do-- whether it is family or not.

Thanks for sharing and listening...  Take Care!  :)

Thank you all! What a wonderful response. I did receive an apology from my sister last night.

I do hope that I can keep my focus on myself and not fall into the family disease of blame and criticism. My father however, seems to have changed amazingly. He has no judgement at all and is very supportive.

Everyone loves us, but they perhaps are uncomfortable with the work we are trying to do and maybe look at us as selfish. I know that if being selfish will keep me sober, the rest will have to adjust to that. I have to rethink holidays and gatherings and every social occasion now. I wonder how the dynamics will change without alcohol. It overwhelms me.

But I am sure that I can do this. You have written such wonderful posts! Thank you all so very much.