you are reading from The Gift of Being Yourself by David Benner
The self that God persistently loves is not my prettied up pretend self but my actual self-the real me. But master of delusion that i am, i have trouble penetrating my web of self deceptions and knowing this is the real me. I continually confuse it with some ideal self that i wish i were.
The roots of our pretend self lie in our childhood discovery that we can secure love by presenting ourselves in the most flattering lightA young boy denies his resentment after he fails to get something he desires. In so doing, he takes a step toward a loss of awareness of what he is really feeling. In short, we learn to fake it, appearing as we think important others want us to be and ignoring the evidence to the contrary.
This may all seem quite innocent. However, it sheds its innocence when we lose touch with our actual experience, because this always involves a diminishment of our grounding in reality
The truly spiritual life is not an escape from reality but a total commitment to it.
Most of us are quite willing to embrace reality when it fits with how we see ourselves and the world, and when it is not overly unpleasant. However, when our life experiences confront us with things about ourselves that we are unwilling to accept, we call on psychological defense mechanisms to help maintain a sense of safety and stability. While these unconscious strategies help with short-term coping, they block longterm growth. This is because they distort reality. Ultimately, their function is to protect us from unpleasant truth
The human capacity for self-deception is astounding. Some people are highly skilled in deceiving others. However their duplicity pales in comparison with the endlessly creative ways in which each and every one of us deceives ourself.
Self deception occurs automatically.We don't really have to choose self-deception. It is- to use contemporary computer jargon-the default option.
some deep stuff here to contemplate...
wantneeda said
May 27, 2005
continued... "The Challenge of Authenticity
somthing elsewe know from experience is how to hide and how to pretend. At some point in childhood we all make the powerful discovery that we can manipulate the truth about ourselves. Initially it often takes the form of a simple lie..frequently a denial of having done something. But of more importance to the development of the false self is the discovery that our ability to hide isn't limited to what we say or don't say. We learn to pretend. We discover the art of packaging our self. We learn that even if we feel afraid, we can appear to be brave. We also learn to cloak hate with apparent love, anger with apparent calm, and indifference with apparent sympathy. In short, we learn how to present our self in the best possible light-a light designed to crate a favorable impression and maintain our self esteem. While this might seem quite benign, the dark side of pretending is that what begins as a role becomes an identity. Initially the masks we adopt reflect how we want others to see us. Over time, however, they come to reflect how we want to see our self. But by this point we have thoroughly confused the mask and our actual experience. Our masks have become our reality, and we have become our lies. In short, we have lost authenticity and adopted an identity based on illusion. We have become a house of smoke and mirrors. Few things are more difficult to discern and dismantle than our most cherished illusions. And none of our illusions are harder to identify than those that lie at the heart of our false self. the false self is like the air we breathe. We have become so accustomed to its presence that we are no longer aware of it. It is as elusive as the wind, seeming to disappear when the light of attention is shined in its direction. The only hope for unmasking the falsity that resides at the core of our being is a radical encounter with truth. Nothing other than truth is strong enough to dispel illusion.
basing identity on an illusion has profound conseqqences. The false self wraps itself in in experience-of power, pleasure and honor. Thomas Merton describes this as " winding experinces around myself...like bandages in order to make myself perceptible to myself and to the world, as if i were an invisible body that could only become visible when something visible covered its surface." Because it is hollow at the core, the life of a false self is a life of excessive attachments. Seeking to aboid implosion and non-being, the false self grasps for anthing that appears to have substance and then clings to these things with the tanacity of a drowning nam clutching a life ring. One person might cling to his possessions, accomplishments or space. Another may cling to her dreams, memories or friendships. Any of these things may be a blessing or a curse. They are a blessing when they are held in open hands of gratitude. They become a curse when they are grasped in clenched fists of entitlement and viewed as "me" or "mine." Ultimately, attachments are ways of coping with the feelings of vulnerability, shame and inadequacy that lie at the core of our false way of being. Like Adam and Eve, our first response to our awareness of nakedness. We hide behind the fig leaves of our false self, This way we package our self to escape the painful awareness of our nakedness. The problem with the false self is that it works. It helps us forget that we are naked. Before long, we are no longer aware of the underlying vulnerability and become comfortable once again.
recognizing your false self While other people's excessive attachment and personal falsity often seem glaringly apparent, it is never easy to know the lies of our own life. There are, however, some trustworthy clues if we dare to be honest enough to face them. One of these is defensiveness. Because of it's fundamental unreality, the false self needs constant bolstering. touchiness dependably points us to false ways of being. And the more prickly a person you are, the moree you are investing in the defense of a false self. Some people bristle easily if they are not taken seriously, thus betraying a need for others to see the self-improtance that is so obvious to them. Others take themselves too seriously, perhaps being unable to laugh at themselves. Both reaction suggest ego inflation. Others have learned to mask these ourward displays of defensiveness, but inner reactions of annoyance or irritation still point toward the presence of a false self. I want to be unique and I want to be important. I don't want to be content with ordinary. That's how the false self works. Its' touchiness is predictable. Pettiness is one of its most stable characteristics. the things that bother us most about others-our pet peeves-also point toward falsity in our own self. If laziness in others is what really bothers me, there is a good chance that discipline and performance form a core part of the false self that i embrace with tenacity. If it is playfulness and spontaneity in others that i find most annoying, then seriousness may be a central part of the self i protect and seek to projuct, If it is moral disregfard that is particularly irritating in others, my flase self is probably built around moral rectitude and self-righteousness. And if emotionality in others is what I most despise, emotional control is probably central to the to the script I have chosen to live. Another clue to the nature of our false self is the pattern of our compulsions. Everyone tends to be compulsive about something, and for most of us it is what we think we most need. One person may compulsively pursue success or esteem, while another may invest the same energy in avoiding pain or emotional unpleasantness. There is nothing wrong with any of these things. The problem with compulsions is that they represent excessive attachments. Love is certainly also an unquestionalble good, but the compulsive effor to always be loving that characerizes others reflects a denial of their humanity and always comes at the expense of authenticity. Similarly, success, beauty, knowledge, security, pleasure, self-reliance and contentment are all good things, but not the supreme good that we make them when we invest in them inordinately. The most basic function of our compulsions is to help us preserve our false self. But maintaining this illusion is the source of all our unhappiness. As Basil Pennington observes, unhappiness is always a a result of "not being able to do something i want to do, have something i want to have,, or concern about what others will think of me" This brings us back to the core of the false self-placing my value in what i have, what i can do and what others think of me."
you are reading from The Gift of Being Yourself by David Benner
The self that God persistently loves is not my prettied up pretend self but my actual self-the real me. But master of delusion that i am, i have trouble penetrating my web of self deceptions and knowing this is the real me. I continually confuse it with some ideal self that i wish i were.
The roots of our pretend self lie in our childhood discovery that we can secure love by presenting ourselves in the most flattering lightA young boy denies his resentment after he fails to get something he desires. In so doing, he takes a step toward a loss of awareness of what he is really feeling. In short, we learn to fake it, appearing as we think important others want us to be and ignoring the evidence to the contrary.
This may all seem quite innocent. However, it sheds its innocence when we lose touch with our actual experience, because this always involves a diminishment of our grounding in reality
The truly spiritual life is not an escape from reality but a total commitment to it.
Most of us are quite willing to embrace reality when it fits with how we see ourselves and the world, and when it is not overly unpleasant. However, when our life experiences confront us with things about ourselves that we are unwilling to accept, we call on psychological defense mechanisms to help maintain a sense of safety and stability. While these unconscious strategies help with short-term coping, they block longterm growth. This is because they distort reality. Ultimately, their function is to protect us from unpleasant truth
The human capacity for self-deception is astounding. Some people are highly skilled in deceiving others. However their duplicity pales in comparison with the endlessly creative ways in which each and every one of us deceives ourself.
Self deception occurs automatically.We don't really have to choose self-deception. It is- to use contemporary computer jargon-the default option.
some deep stuff here to contemplate...
"The Challenge of Authenticity
somthing elsewe know from experience is how to hide and how to pretend. At some point in childhood we all make the powerful discovery that we can manipulate the truth about ourselves. Initially it often takes the form of a simple lie..frequently a denial of having done something. But of more importance to the development of the false self is the discovery that our ability to hide isn't limited to what we say or don't say. We learn to pretend. We discover the art of packaging our self.
We learn that even if we feel afraid, we can appear to be brave. We also learn to cloak hate with apparent love, anger with apparent calm, and indifference with apparent sympathy. In short, we learn how to present our self in the best possible light-a light designed to crate a favorable impression and maintain our self esteem.
While this might seem quite benign, the dark side of pretending is that what begins as a role becomes an identity. Initially the masks we adopt reflect how we want others to see us. Over time, however, they come to reflect how we want to see our self. But by this point we have thoroughly confused the mask and our actual experience. Our masks have become our reality, and we have become our lies. In short, we have lost authenticity and adopted an identity based on illusion. We have become a house of smoke and mirrors.
Few things are more difficult to discern and dismantle than our most cherished illusions. And none of our illusions are harder to identify than those that lie at the heart of our false self. the false self is like the air we breathe. We have become so accustomed to its presence that we are no longer aware of it. It is as elusive as the wind, seeming to disappear when the light of attention is shined in its direction.
The only hope for unmasking the falsity that resides at the core of our being is a radical encounter with truth. Nothing other than truth is strong enough to dispel illusion.
basing identity on an illusion has profound conseqqences. The false self wraps itself in in experience-of power, pleasure and honor. Thomas Merton describes this as " winding experinces around myself...like bandages in order to make myself perceptible to myself and to the world, as if i were an invisible body that could only become visible when something visible covered its surface."
Because it is hollow at the core, the life of a false self is a life of excessive attachments. Seeking to aboid implosion and non-being, the false self grasps for anthing that appears to have substance and then clings to these things with the tanacity of a drowning nam clutching a life ring. One person might cling to his possessions, accomplishments or space. Another may cling to her dreams, memories or friendships. Any of these things may be a blessing or a curse. They are a blessing when they are held in open hands of gratitude. They become a curse when they are grasped in clenched fists of entitlement and viewed as "me" or "mine."
Ultimately, attachments are ways of coping with the feelings of vulnerability, shame and inadequacy that lie at the core of our false way of being. Like Adam and Eve, our first response to our awareness of nakedness. We hide behind the fig leaves of our false self, This way we package our self to escape the painful awareness of our nakedness.
The problem with the false self is that it works. It helps us forget that we are naked. Before long, we are no longer aware of the underlying vulnerability and become comfortable once again.
recognizing your false self
While other people's excessive attachment and personal falsity often seem glaringly apparent, it is never easy to know the lies of our own life. There are, however, some trustworthy clues if we dare to be honest enough to face them.
One of these is defensiveness. Because of it's fundamental unreality, the false self needs constant bolstering. touchiness dependably points us to false ways of being. And the more prickly a person you are, the moree you are investing in the defense of a false self.
Some people bristle easily if they are not taken seriously, thus betraying a need for others to see the self-improtance that is so obvious to them. Others take themselves too seriously, perhaps being unable to laugh at themselves. Both reaction suggest ego inflation. Others have learned to mask these ourward displays of defensiveness, but inner reactions of annoyance or irritation still point toward the presence of a false self.
I want to be unique and I want to be important. I don't want to be content with ordinary.
That's how the false self works. Its' touchiness is predictable. Pettiness is one of its most stable characteristics. the things that bother us most about others-our pet peeves-also point toward falsity in our own self.
If laziness in others is what really bothers me, there is a good chance that discipline and performance form a core part of the false self that i embrace with tenacity. If it is playfulness and spontaneity in others that i find most annoying, then seriousness may be a central part of the self i protect and seek to projuct, If it is moral disregfard that is particularly irritating in others, my flase self is probably built around moral rectitude and self-righteousness. And if emotionality in others is what I most despise, emotional control is probably central to the to the script I have chosen to live.
Another clue to the nature of our false self is the pattern of our compulsions. Everyone tends to be compulsive about something, and for most of us it is what we think we most need. One person may compulsively pursue success or esteem, while another may invest the same energy in avoiding pain or emotional unpleasantness. There is nothing wrong with any of these things. The problem with compulsions is that they represent excessive attachments. Love is certainly also an unquestionalble good, but the compulsive effor to always be loving that characerizes others reflects a denial of their humanity and always comes at the expense of authenticity. Similarly, success, beauty, knowledge, security, pleasure, self-reliance and contentment are all good things, but not the supreme good that we make them when we invest in them inordinately.
The most basic function of our compulsions is to help us preserve our false self. But maintaining this illusion is the source of all our unhappiness. As Basil Pennington observes, unhappiness is always a a result of "not being able to do something i want to do, have something i want to have,, or concern about what others will think of me" This brings us back to the core of the false self-placing my value in what i have, what i can do and what others think of me."