This really falls under the category of none of my business, but I feel like I'm going crazy so...

My husband has been sober 15 yrs. He goes to mtgs, I'm not worried about his sobriety. But for the last month it seems as if he isn't doing anything else. He left his job and will be back at university in the fall. But he doesn't seem as if he wants to do anything until then. He stays up til 3 or 4 in the morning then sleeps all day. He doesn't seem to want to go out and look for a temp job, or update his resume or anything. I don't know if me saying anything is appropriate or not. I think I'm doing something wrong, but when I ask him whats going on he says "I don't know." It's starting to affect me and the kids. I feel as if I'm bugging him all the time, so lately I just don't say anything.

So, any ideas?

Love, cheri

Hi Cheri. I know we all go through different stages of growth. Ive had them, where I was just in a sort of stuck rut mode--others where there was deep depression involved--still others that I just didnt know who I was, where I was at, or where I was going, and going through changes.

I really dont know, what else I can share with you about it all. I can identify tho with your concern. When our loved ones are going through stuff, we want to help-but as much as we wish too--sometimes we cant. All we can do is stand by with love and support, and just let them know we are there for them, in any way we can be. Sometimes, the more I bug them about it, the worse it gets.

I know its easy to worry. Im no different. But we just hafta let go and let God sometimes, and let others work through what they hafta work through without pushing.

Im still work in progress in regards to  that one. Anyway--I wish you the best. Hugs.

Hi Cheri,

I don't know exactly when your Fall is... it is Autumn here now, I think. So I figure you are talking about a short period of time? I hope that's right.

I can tell you that the transition into study does take a bit of head work...and you feel kind of lost when one thing ends and you prepare for the next big change. It takes a bit to get your head around, and you have lots to prepare yourself for mentally. Confidence in your ability and finding the courage to tackle new things is often not as clear cut as it might seem to others.

I can also tell you that the movies haven't really got it sorted, when they show students breaking up for vacation and looking all vibrant and celebratory...I usually come to the end of my terms totally bloody exhausted and kind of thud. I feel lost for a bit, and it takes a while to negotiate the new pace. I get so used to running on a tight schedule, that when a big part of the schedule just stops, it takes a bit to just to work out where I'm at again.

Any change affects all those involved and things can often be difficult through the transition. It sounds to me like he might be maybe turning things around a bit...It is possible he may study through the night during the hours he is now functioning in... I do, and so do a lot of my study mates. I find it a lot easier to set myself a late night study block, when the phone doesn't ring, and the kids are asleep, and the critters are all quiet, and the interruptions are at their most minimal. It means I am still available for family time though...meals, kids homework, school stuff, all the other stuff we need to fit in (meetings, shopping etc.)

When I first began studying, it took me ages to get a routine, and our family life was really up in the air for some time. I was studying at any available moment, because I was just plain scared I wouldn't get done what was required of me, or I wouldn't understand the stuff I needed to learn. After a while it settled down, but I can only thank my family for sticking by me through that - because quite honestly my study has never been easy on them. There have been many times I have thought of quitting quite simply because I have had to 'limit' their lives somewhat in order to do it. I have often had to say no to things...because I've had assignments due, books to buy or exams looming, and I am grateful that my family has always understood that it is something I really want to do and have supported me enormously. I am so grateful for that - and I realise that when I graduate it will be all of us graduating, not just me.

I think too - that because my acceptance to uni came in sobriety - it was maybe more important. I saw it as a blessing, something I had never previously thought I could achieve, one of the promises I had never contemplated, and being granted the opportunity, meant I really had to do it right. I walked around in absolute shock for at least two months after hearing they had accepted me!!! I never really believed (deep down) that they would. It was hugely important to me that I not balls it up. I spent months preparing myself emotionally and mentally.

After making such a mess of things with the grog...well, it's just plain hard to keep believing in yourself, especially after many years of drinking and living at far less than half our potential. My family and family time is still vitally important, but something changed a little when we all realised the degree would never happen if it was just me doing it alone. When my faith in me starts to wither, my family are the ones that pick me up, reinforce me with positive affirmations and remind me I can do it. They are the ones that see me burning the candle at both ends. They are the ones that see me growing and learning lots of very uninteresting (to them)stuff on a daily basis.

So, in all honesty Cheri, I think it may be a little more than a timetable change you're up against at the moment... roles will change. The breadwinner will suddenly need a kind of support he maybe hasn't had to ask for before? - that in itself is quite a huge transition. Your home will change alongside the introduction of study....your relationship too will change. The demands will change...finances will probably change...there will be lots of changes. But they will be gradual, and they won't all hit you at once. It's all part of progressing toward our potential, and none of us can do that alone.

I guess most importantly, you need to know that this all sounds very normal to me. It is unlikely it is anything you have done wrong. It is quite likely just the beginning of a transition period that may last a little while, but will be ok. If you have concerns about some of these changes, you can only communicate them with your mate as they arise, because we can't plan this stuff. And sometimes, no matter how self aware we are, we miss things, particularly when our focus moves onto a new priority...just like working the steps...so maybe just have a chat to him about what he thinks may need to change for him to do this. It might also be a good time to talk about some of your goals and things you want factored into the change. 

I hope this helps and isn't too far off track. All the best Cheri.

Cheri, I understand how you are feeling about your husband.But as far as advice, I really don't have any except to ask your higher power to lead you and guide you in what you need to do or not do in this situation.

It is very good that he is still going to meetings, do you both go to the same meetings?Phils post before this one is a good one on what is our part in anothers life.Have you talked this over with your sponsor?

Hang in there, say the Serenity Prayer, and I will be praying for you. Please say a prayer for me also, as I am in  a situation similar to yours.I have just had to let go and let God do His thing, one day at a time.I also go to Al-anon when dealing with the other Alcoholics in my life is to much to handle.Helps me to sort a few things out.

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose 

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much. I was feeling insecure about things, I think. Because our sobriety ages are so different, I can only think about what I as a 4 yr old would be doing and forget that his emotional sobriety is so different than mine. I know that I just need to step back  and not think it's all about me and what I'm doing.

Nic, your post really put it into perspective for me. I was thinking that all should be exciting and fun, but I know that I would be frightened by the idea of returning to school and all that it details. He took this last semester off and I got used to the income increase and having him more active at home. I like the idea that he is mentally preparing hinself for the change again, because it's exactly what he'd do. We are just starting our springtime, so we have the summer to get through before he goes back.

Gammy, I'll be seeing my sponsor at the beginning of June. She lives 250 mi away, but yeah, this is something I'll be sitting down and talking over with her. She'll help me put it all down, what my fears and expectations are in all this. We do go to the same mtg, they are rather scarce around here, but sometimes we don't go together. He'll take one night and I'll take another, so if there is something we need to talk about, we can on those nights, but I'm not really comfortable doing too much of that. I know it's an anonymous program, but some are sicker than others.I thought about Alanon, but at this point in my recovery I really need to concentrate on AA.

Phil, Thanks for the reminder. I know when I get bugged about something, I tend to rebel and want to do the opposite. Letting people work through thier own stuff is hard, but it really is the only thing I can do.

Love you all, cheri

Cheri Im new to this forum, but I wanted to say something. first how old are you children, those children need to come first no matter what. Do what you have to , to protect your children, if your husband is a sole provider of the family, then do what you must in order to make sure those kid's needs are provided for..

Godbless!

matisa