Hi

Staying away from the bottle is the hardest thing for me.  I start working all the other steps and start to feel better and then I slip.  I jsut dont know how to do this.  They say jsut dont pick up the forst drink , but that is exactly where I am no good.  I am making all kinds of excuses for why I can handle it. I say: "Ill sober up before anyone notices"  You name it I have an excuse and a reason why to drink!  I dont know if I can do this.  I really want to but I keep on with the excuses. I know that in all probability that I will not be able to cover up forever but I am drinking jsut for today- isn't that ironic?

I really wish for a brain transplant and one that has no desire for alcohol and no imagination.

I feel like a total freak.  Anyone awake now?

Suzy

Yeah Suzy...I'm here. Just finished a 3 hour exam. Seems we have a live one... (an OSM said that to me once) and it always makes me smile...I have a soft spot for the live ones, but a lotta folks don't understand that....Another story...another day.

What you up to then. Ya can't drink and type...so get rid of it and we'll chat.

Ok

Thanks for the answer. You are right.  I must have backspaced a hundred times.  Please excuse my horrible behaviour.  I am embaresed and so I should be.  I am usually a good speller but this is a wake up call for me.

I need to get control.  Ok thank you at leas tI have decided that I should not have another sip of any alcohol. For my lifes sake.

Any words of inspiration.?

Suzy

I dunno about inspiration mate...How about I share a bit of my day?

Woke up at about 11am. Yes, slept in...after studying through til about 5, trying to prep for this damn stats exam, so figure I am still a bit short on sleep, but tis ok...

I have a weird thing in my throat at the moment, well.. truth be known its been there a long time and the damn thing is growing. It has me terrified every time I think of it, and I was supposed to go to the docs today and get it checked, but I was too damn scared to think about it, so I just stayed busy.

Put in a garden bed, mended some fences, put a couple of shelves in a caravan I'm renovating and just generally kept active. It helps I think...

Did the exam, but I left it till about 11 tonight/last night so I knew I wouldn't be interrupted. Things are pretty good today Suzy. I don't know where to start, with how things have changed for me since I put down the grog. I live in a whole different world now...

I fiddle assed around too, for quite some time. I'd get it together and then sort of forget what sort of mess I'd ended up in. I think maybe that's why Step one is important. We really need to look at how unmanageable things are.

You wanna tell me about your world?

Hi Nic

well jsut put one kid to sleep and I am actually starting to sober up.  I thik if I could smoke things would be easier but my spouse would object and I jsut cannot keep that from him.  It kills me as much as drinking but I think he would react worse to the smoking thatn the drinking.  This just shows his innocence about alcohol adiction

I will be here for a few hours still.  I hope the thing in your throat is not serious.  i also had a scare with that kind of thing but thank God I did not have to deal with that because I think I would have sucked at it.

Suzy

Hi Suzy and Nic...too bad i can't get into the chatroom...sigh..

Nothing changes if nothing changes Suzy. My world didn't change till i took an honest look at myself and just how unmanageable it really was, and still is. My HP has control, i don't and as soon as let go of my control things started getting better in my world. I have AA to thank for this. What step is that you're working on Suzy??  I must work the first three every day, and the rest one at a time..or if you're new then step 1...then step 2 then step 3 and so on..it's what worked for me..not to mention going to every meeting i could in those first days and even today. I'd be drinking if i wasn't attending my meetings regualrly.  I averaged 5-9 meetings a week in the beginning..Do you have a Big Book?

Giving up the drink at first was 100% hard...then 85% and learning to live was the other 15%...today its the other way around...  : )

You're worth the fight Suzy!!!

\\//peace and luv Wendy

hey Nic?  Hope you make it to a doc soon about your throat!!! Like everything else for me,,,ignoring it doesn't make it go away.  Hugs

Hi

Thanks Wendy.  I am probably still at the stage of one big mess.  However at least I have people I can talk to who understand.

I know the first three steps but I guess for me the hardest is wanting to stop. Sometimes I have a desire to stop and sometimes the desire to drink is stronger.  You know I never realised the severity of my addiction till I really tried to stop.

I would like to attend more meetings but I have the little ones and my husband does not support support groups.  I want to be living proof that support from AA will make me the person that he wishes I would be again.

Suzy

Well, I'm pretty sure I'll suck at it to if it turns out I have to leave my farm and go get some treatment. Just the thought of having to spend time away from my kids and critters is enough to make me ignore it for another hour.

My kids were probably my saving grace with the grog, I think...On my last drink I woke up with the biggest busted up face, after taking on a stripper and of course her bouncer. Had gravel rash all over me, where the bouncer had dumped me in the gutter and kicked any objections out of me, bald bits on my scalp where the little banshee had ripped chunks of hair out of my head, and the coppers wanting me back at the station to make a statement about something I had no idea how to remember, let alone explain.

I didn't want to take the girls to the copshop, so instead I took them to kindy - but I was too embarrassed at the state of myself, being all staggery and busted up, to go in the front door, so I sent them in through a side gate and didn't sign them in or anything. I fronted up at the station and apparently a courtesy bus driver had reported the bouncer for the "street bashing". I just looked at the woman copper and said: I dunno what happened?...No idea. Just remembered going out for my friends birthday and saying I wasn't going to drink. I couldn't even remember having my first drink, but I did remember struggling every time the tray of free champers was waved under my nose. And I still remember the copper asking me if I had a drinking problem.

I went home and slept and the coppers rang the next day to see if I could remember anything else. Nope. My little girls were so gorgeous. They were so worried about their mummy and her 'sores'. When I finally got around to talking to another alkie about it, he asked me if I realised just how I'd endangered my kids by not signing them in to the kindy. I was so caught up in hiding my own shame, that I hadn't thought twice about it. He told me that anyone could have come and taken them out, or they could have walked out, and no-one would have been the wiser. I just about bloody died when I realised what my own self centred shameful drunken behaviour had led too. I sat both my kids down and shared my first ever heartfelt admission with them, and I doubt I will ever forget those little faces with their big eyes. They have been wonderful supporters... now in their early teens.

It was weird, and no-one can ever pretend they know what it takes to flick the lightbulb on for others. Commonsense would think getting all busted up (for the zillionth time) would have been enough to shake some sense into me, but it wasn't that. I already believed I was lousy at most things...but I wasn't prepared to believe I was a lousy mum...my kids deserved better than that. So, at first I don't think I did it for me...I learned to start doing it for me later. It took me a while to work out I was worth anything, but getting sober was my starting point.

I dunno if any of that helps, am just talking really...feeling pretty weary all of a sudden. Not sure if anyone else is handy? Cos, I might need to play tag team and go ni-ni...

Will wait for your next reply

hi nic

YES. iT HELPS. iF YOU COULD GET OUT OF THAT DITCH then I bloody well better dig myself out of this little puddle before i am so sorry i have lost everything

I feel better now! I think it is about 45 minutes since I had a drink.  I am ready to face this as a mature responsible adult again.  Thanks for your time and keep talking if you will it keeps my mind off of my self pity

Suzy

Hey Girls - I must have come in over the top of you Wendy, sorry... I didn't realise you were there. Yes, I know I've gotta have it checked out, the throat.. and I will. Probably today if I wake up for today.

It is 3am here, and I'm feeling pretty stuffed. Have to be up again in a few hours, so if you are handy Wendy, would you mind chatting/stepping with Suzy?

Hope you don't mind me bailing out Suzy...am just having trouble keeping my eyes open. I measured my unmanageability in terms of bankruptcy...emotional, social, financial, physical and spiritual. Maybe that could be a topic to keep things moving?

Hang in there girls. It gets easier. We learn to make decisions, and some of us take a while to learn, but we do learn how eventually.

All the best,

Nic

Thanks Nic

You have been my life saver tonight. ( and I dont say that lightly) I hope you get some sleep

Sincerely

Suzy

Hey Suzy, I just walked in the door from my Mom's I stay with her most of the time since shes been sick.Tried to read your posts so I would know what was going on ...I'm glad you put down the bottle. Wendy and Nic have really been here for you, they are the 12th step at work.

You ask what you could read in the Big Book, I was told when I was new to the program to read the first 164 pages, read the stories at leisure. When did you get your BB, I don't think you had one a few days ago. Didn't you say you had been in touch with someone in AA ?? Have you got a twelve step, twelve tradition yet?

The first step"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -that our lifes had become unmanageble." It sounds like you may be there , are you?

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose

Suzy,

It sounds like you are still struggling with Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

For me, this means that alcohol turns me into a train. Trains run on tracks. They don't get to turn right or left at will. They go where the tracks go and the alcohol tracks, for me, lead to certain destruction. I might not go all the way to the end of the line today, but if I stay on those tracks, in time, I WILL. There's just no question about that. I might get there slowly, or quickly, but if I'm on those tracks I will get there because that's the only place they go. They don't go anywhere good. If I'm drinking today and I don't wreck my car today, or go to jail today, it just means I'm one day closer to the day when I DO wreck my car or go to jail. I came to this realization about 15 days ago. I thought that was the only sort of thing that would stop me. There was no other way for the story to end. I guess that was my moment of awareness. I'm lucky, I guess. Some people have to experience some very painful, destrctive things first. I sincerely hope you won't have to.

Keep coming back and I hope you don't drink today.

Hi Suzy...how are you doing??  i posted some things on your question about where to start in the big book in my other thread you were on...again i'm so glad you're here and willing to try to get sober..Honesty, openmindedness and willingness...our keys.

: )

Hi Everyone

Thanks for the strong and meningful advice last night .  You know even though I was so happy that I sobered up and behaved 'Normally' when I saw my spouse last night, I am still feeling crappy today.

YOu know it is not a hangover ( because I didnt have that much) but it is my feelings inside me that make me feel like a loser.  Why cant I feel this way at 6pm in the evening to deter myself from taking that drink. I have such a short memory sometimes. 

Anyway for today I am seriously going to commit to no drink this evening(especially)  I msut say that not even one sip is allowed.  I have justified in the past that that is not one drink and not enough to get me drunk but I guess that must be one long sip. Or I must be very sensitive to the stuff.  Today I can feel the resentment towards others building up.  It must have been the booze that clouded up my judgement of others. 

Suzy

Hi Suzy...i'm really not understanding the time differences between us all...seems when everyone else is getting up for the day mine is comin to a close or vice versa...anyways, Suzy you are not a loser!!!  Thats your disease talking to you!!  by not picking up that drink and the days add up you will feel better , i promise...but we can only do it one day at a time my friend.

Beating ourselves up doesn't do us any good, only adds to our misery. I really hope you stay sober today Suzy, you're worth the fight. Like i say,,,nothin' changes if nothin' changes.

Suzy,

  We're all very sensitive to the stuff. Once I consume any alcohol at all, all bets are off as far as when I will stop. It might be after three drinks or it might be after seven or ten. Nobody knows, least of all me. Really, the first drink gets me drunk, because without the first one, I will not have a second, third, fourth. If I can just stay away from the first drink, I can stay sober today. And so can you. Keep coming back.

Frank

Hi Suzy,

Frank said it right...I have little or no control of the amount I drink when I take that first drink. So I might have just one or I might wake up in a cornfield in Kansas 3 days later.(Yes, that really did happen)

I got tired of the roller coaster ride. I knew I had to get off, but didn't know how. I know you're familiar with the program. Just think about step one today.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanagable."

Are they talking about me? Don't worry about what your husband is going to think. Don't worry about what comes next. Don't think about anything but this...is my life unmanagable today because of my drinking? And how do I get off the roller coaster?

Call your contact and keep coming to the msg board.

Love, cheri