Fear Of Success? Keep an open mind on this one-these are my views and my thoughts only-and the second cup of coffee is just starting to kick in.:)
When one is used as a scapegoat as a child, and told that theyll never amount to anything--it sticks. And this guy beleived it.
Lets just put the alcohol aside in these thoughts and look at other stuff.
Every situation I went through in life--whether it be job--or relationships--it was a 2 sided coin.
On one side, I wanted nothing more than to succeed in these areas.
When Ide get to a point of succeeding--I would self sabotage.
Self esteem and self confidence--through these failures--became nill.
There were a few of these situations also, where due to other circumstances it was not my doing at all-but I would take all the blame and put myself down for it regardless. It became a habit and a big pattern.
So-you take an insecure person-and they hide all the negative stuff within, and try to control people places and things--they try harder each time they fail. People dissappear and they are left alone, and wonder why. I used to start blaming when I was in that mode also, and had a lot of denial.
I portrayed an outgoing--"had it all together person"-was inside the picture frame looking out--not outside looking in, and was nothing more than a play actor. I hid behind walls, and they were big ones.
I lived a life of total fear on a daily basis. I also did that for a long time in AA--worked 2 steps--and as they say in the big book--I dare not look and I dare not go there.
I could take a full day with this one Want.
I finally had to go there-4-5-6-7-8-9. It was hell bringing that stuff out.
After a lot of days in AA-outside councelling-physical sickness--emotional bottoms etc. this guy finally found ME.
I learned to show emotions and love and just what life was all about. I learned that I am a good person, and that I dont hafta doom myself to failure.
I learned that I can be loved by others just for who I am, and I guess self love and a bit of self confidence help too.
I learned to give from the heart without expectations in return. I learned that success starts within us and in baby steps and 12 steps goes forward a bit at a time.
I still have some days where I wait for the hammer to fall-I still remember what my Father told me as a child. I never saw love either, way back then--and never knew how to show it, except by giving materially.
The last 4 months Ive had something inside bugging my butt. Ive never really found out what that was till yesterday.
Nothing more than those little pangs of "Fear Of Failure"
Today those pangs are gone. Im in a marriage that I know is going to work. I have responsibilities that are being taken care of. I have a Higher Power which I trust on a daily basis. A program that I work, to become a better person. Some days, we fall flat on our face. We get up--dust ourselves off-and get back into the positive.
How easy it is to think one negative thought and pile negatives on top. It causes pain and emotional turmoil and fear. Yersterday is gone. What we do today, contributes to the tomorrows. All we hafta do is beleive in ourselves, just do our best, and truck on forward.
Give of ourselves with love from our hearts, help others and be there for others when we can, and to me--thats what its all about.
I remember sharing with a loved one yesterday, and I beleive it to be true.
We had to go through all those yesterdays to get where we are today.
Right now, at this moment--I have no doubts in tomorrow--no what ifs. Im in a marriage today that my best freind and I are "THERE" We both know where we are going and where we wish to be. We both know it takes committment and work, individually and together.
It takes love--and its going to be OK. Thats success!!
I beleive also that nothing--absolutely nothing, in this world happens by mistake, and that everything happens for a reason.
I can look back today and not dwell on things, but just understand and be grateful. I can just be me. An imperfect loving person. I used to think that showing emotions and love to others was being weak. I realize today--its a sign of honesty and strength.
You have a great day, my freind!!
wantneeda said
May 8, 2005
Hi Phil...Your growth is so evident!!! thank you for taking the time to reply to my question.
Balance is what i'm striving for today. I fear success, i fear failure. But i'm learning to live in the moment...to be fully present in the moment. This has helped me immensely. Today i don't fear life...i soo used to. I worship life...i think thats success. My dad, when i was 16, told me i'd be the slut of Alberta....thanks Dad...I'm getting over it. You're right , learning that i am a good person...a sick person but learning to be grateful for that. I think God spent a little more time on us alkies!! : ) Self sabotage was my middle name...not to mention procrastination. But i'm growing, i'm learning.In my dictionary failure is stated as: Bankruptcy, Deficiency, deterioration, decay. Fail: To become feeble, to die away, to fall short, to become absent or inadequate, disappoint, neglect.
And success: favorable or desired outcome. To me... Its a journey , not a destination.
Succeed: to follow next in order or next after another. And another and another. I like that.
Fear: An unpleasant often strong emotion caused by expectations or awareness of danger, anxious concern, dread, fright, alarm, panic, terror,trepidations.
Giving up, not trying...thats failure. so as long as i'm trying. Today life is sublime, never thought i'd say that. At this moment in time life is sublime.
Ya looking back i haven't succeeded at a whole lot in my life...i graduated afrom high school,,,thats about it. But I'm looking at success in a whole different light these days, you are right. it does start within. Thanks to finding recovery and the twelve steps...God only knows where i'd be today
I think what i'm having the most trouble with today is really knowing what it is i'm feeling...stuffing them for so many years. its almost like i'm disconnected. That 2-sided coin is myself. Like a jekle and hyde sorta thing but they don't know eachother. In trying to peel these layers of my onion its like i've come up against a block...ya one of those BIG walls and i don't know how to break it down. Like theres something just waiting to break free....I have completed step 5,...
Its kinda of like an awake dream...and i want to move but i can't, not sure which direction. Is that fear? Just fear itself...not of success or failure...just fear.
Maybe i'm rambling now...
Thanks again, and i hope you have a beautiful, blessed day.
Phil said
May 8, 2005
Someone taught me within the last year or 2, that there are 2 main emotions They are fear and love. Everything in between causes emotional caous. And Yes-Its all stiving for emotional balance, and balance with everything we do. Its never ending growing and learning, a bit at a time-keeping that fear out and giving with full love.
Celt said
May 8, 2005
Reply to Phil really! wow thats exactly what my dad tokld me! Under the swipes of a leather belt with a medal of the holy virgin sown into it! Do you know what though/ You do come to believe it when its been belted into you for 15 years! well you do I bet! Phil I'd like to talk to you more please. My e-mail is bplawlor@hotmail.com. firrst time I've come across anyone with asimilar tale or reason, if I need one. Don't know what I mean but please do e-mail me if you see this again
cheri said
May 8, 2005
Wendy,
Sucesses? You've been sober almost a year, that's one. You have a relationship with your children, that's two. You have a relationship with your Mom...should I go on? The little things we now take for granted that before recovery seemed so far away, all successes in my book. A job, a home, etc...Ok so maybe the job isn't great or the transportation isn't what we want it to be, but these are things that will come, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
For me, putting one foot in front of the other and letting Creator lead me to where I need to go, that's all I need for today.
Fear Of Success? Keep an open mind on this one-these are my views and my thoughts only-and the second cup of coffee is just starting to kick in.:)
When one is used as a scapegoat as a child, and told that theyll never amount to anything--it sticks. And this guy beleived it.
Lets just put the alcohol aside in these thoughts and look at other stuff.
Every situation I went through in life--whether it be job--or relationships--it was a 2 sided coin.
On one side, I wanted nothing more than to succeed in these areas.
When Ide get to a point of succeeding--I would self sabotage.
Self esteem and self confidence--through these failures--became nill.
There were a few of these situations also, where due to other circumstances it was not my doing at all-but I would take all the blame and put myself down for it regardless. It became a habit and a big pattern.
So-you take an insecure person-and they hide all the negative stuff within, and try to control people places and things--they try harder each time they fail. People dissappear and they are left alone, and wonder why. I used to start blaming when I was in that mode also, and had a lot of denial.
I portrayed an outgoing--"had it all together person"-was inside the picture frame looking out--not outside looking in, and was nothing more than a play actor. I hid behind walls, and they were big ones.
I lived a life of total fear on a daily basis. I also did that for a long time in AA--worked 2 steps--and as they say in the big book--I dare not look and I dare not go there.
I could take a full day with this one Want.
I finally had to go there-4-5-6-7-8-9. It was hell bringing that stuff out.
After a lot of days in AA-outside councelling-physical sickness--emotional bottoms etc. this guy finally found ME.
I learned to show emotions and love and just what life was all about. I learned that I am a good person, and that I dont hafta doom myself to failure.
I learned that I can be loved by others just for who I am, and I guess self love and a bit of self confidence help too.
I learned to give from the heart without expectations in return. I learned that success starts within us and in baby steps and 12 steps goes forward a bit at a time.
I still have some days where I wait for the hammer to fall-I still remember what my Father told me as a child. I never saw love either, way back then--and never knew how to show it, except by giving materially.
The last 4 months Ive had something inside bugging my butt. Ive never really found out what that was till yesterday.
Nothing more than those little pangs of "Fear Of Failure"
Today those pangs are gone. Im in a marriage that I know is going to work. I have responsibilities that are being taken care of. I have a Higher Power which I trust on a daily basis. A program that I work, to become a better person. Some days, we fall flat on our face. We get up--dust ourselves off-and get back into the positive.
How easy it is to think one negative thought and pile negatives on top. It causes pain and emotional turmoil and fear. Yersterday is gone. What we do today, contributes to the tomorrows. All we hafta do is beleive in ourselves, just do our best, and truck on forward.
Give of ourselves with love from our hearts, help others and be there for others when we can, and to me--thats what its all about.
I remember sharing with a loved one yesterday, and I beleive it to be true.
We had to go through all those yesterdays to get where we are today.
Right now, at this moment--I have no doubts in tomorrow--no what ifs. Im in a marriage today that my best freind and I are "THERE" We both know where we are going and where we wish to be. We both know it takes committment and work, individually and together.
It takes love--and its going to be OK. Thats success!!
I beleive also that nothing--absolutely nothing, in this world happens by mistake, and that everything happens for a reason.
I can look back today and not dwell on things, but just understand and be grateful. I can just be me. An imperfect loving person. I used to think that showing emotions and love to others was being weak. I realize today--its a sign of honesty and strength.
You have a great day, my freind!!
Hi Phil...Your growth is so evident!!! thank you for taking the time to reply to my question.
Balance is what i'm striving for today. I fear success, i fear failure. But i'm learning to live in the moment...to be fully present in the moment. This has helped me immensely. Today i don't fear life...i soo used to. I worship life...i think thats success. My dad, when i was 16, told me i'd be the slut of Alberta....thanks Dad...I'm getting over it. You're right , learning that i am a good person...a sick person but learning to be grateful for that. I think God spent a little more time on us alkies!! : ) Self sabotage was my middle name...not to mention procrastination. But i'm growing, i'm learning.In my dictionary failure is stated as: Bankruptcy, Deficiency, deterioration, decay. Fail: To become feeble, to die away, to fall short, to become absent or inadequate, disappoint, neglect.
And success: favorable or desired outcome. To me... Its a journey , not a destination.
Succeed: to follow next in order or next after another. And another and another. I like that.
Fear: An unpleasant often strong emotion caused by expectations or awareness of danger, anxious concern, dread, fright, alarm, panic, terror,trepidations.
Giving up, not trying...thats failure. so as long as i'm trying. Today life is sublime, never thought i'd say that. At this moment in time life is sublime.
Ya looking back i haven't succeeded at a whole lot in my life...i graduated afrom high school,,,thats about it. But I'm looking at success in a whole different light these days, you are right. it does start within. Thanks to finding recovery and the twelve steps...God only knows where i'd be today
I think what i'm having the most trouble with today is really knowing what it is i'm feeling...stuffing them for so many years. its almost like i'm disconnected. That 2-sided coin is myself. Like a jekle and hyde sorta thing but they don't know eachother. In trying to peel these layers of my onion its like i've come up against a block...ya one of those BIG walls and i don't know how to break it down. Like theres something just waiting to break free....I have completed step 5,...
Its kinda of like an awake dream...and i want to move but i can't, not sure which direction. Is that fear? Just fear itself...not of success or failure...just fear.
Maybe i'm rambling now...
Thanks again, and i hope you have a beautiful, blessed day.
Reply to Phil really! wow thats exactly what my dad tokld me! Under the swipes of a leather belt with a medal of the holy virgin sown into it! Do you know what though/ You do come to believe it when its been belted into you for 15 years! well you do I bet! Phil I'd like to talk to you more please. My e-mail is bplawlor@hotmail.com. firrst time I've come across anyone with asimilar tale or reason, if I need one. Don't know what I mean but please do e-mail me if you see this again
Wendy,
Sucesses? You've been sober almost a year, that's one. You have a relationship with your children, that's two. You have a relationship with your Mom...should I go on? The little things we now take for granted that before recovery seemed so far away, all successes in my book. A job, a home, etc...Ok so maybe the job isn't great or the transportation isn't what we want it to be, but these are things that will come, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
For me, putting one foot in front of the other and letting Creator lead me to where I need to go, that's all I need for today.
Love you, cheri