my problem is i just recently had my truck break down on me and my husband is waiting on customers to cut checks for the work that he has already done. some approval thing. now my thing is that during my husbands drinking career he had taken advantage of his mothers good will and he took it upon himself to deside that she stay here about a third of each year. now she is alright but she carries so much negativity and always voices her opinion about everything that i do. believe me i am not that interresting. and i am used to being around those that keep to their own back yard.
i brough up the vechicle thing because i am some what trapped and don't have the freedom to come and go as i would do when i get my buttons pushed. i politely stay quiet and calm down and it is wearing on me.
this problem isn't exclusive to me i have a sister in law that goes through the same thing. mom can't afford to be on her own. she likes to take over and be all envolved in everything. and she tares my sister in law up with words. even her own daughter had her living with her and she and her husband set her straight but would not have her there again. she just doesn't know when to let things go and manipulates to get her way. stirs the pot if you will.
this is my third month and believe me that if i was just being petty i would have written earlier i guess i need to vent but i also need some tools that could be eluding me to use....i have 6 weeks to go and i am gonna need them. i havent been talking about it to anyone in the rooms because i would hate to have my husband thinking that i have a big mouth. my sponsor has had a sick spouse and she don't need this shit. so here is where i thought that i would go for some good suggestions. thank-you have a blessed day to all of you
Phil said
Mar 19, 2005
Good Morning Ellen.
As a recovering Alcoholic, my first reaction would be to jump right in and tell you exactly what I thought, and what you should do:)
But I cant. I used to be able to talk the talk, but walking it was a different story.
I dont even have any suggestions on this one.:)
I do know that Spirituality works, and if there are situations and things in my life that I cant fix or change, I hafta pray about them, to a Higher Power of my understanding.
I also know from experience, that when I hold anger inside it can turn into a cancer of depression, so I hafta deal with things that bother me, in some positive form or another.
If I was in the same situation, I would likely try to sit down quietly and calmly, with my spouse, and share how I feel.
If I was reacting in my old ways--God help everybody!! hahaha
My thoughts are with you my freind, and you are not alone.
Its pretty hard to live and let live some days. Had to put the guns and baseball bats away.:)
I do know that, with this alky, anyway--that the more meetings I go to, the better I feel.
Serenity Prayer helps to Let Go And Let God. Hugs Phil.
Nic said
Mar 19, 2005
Hi Ellen,
If the truck can't be worked into the budget over the next 6 weeks, it may be time to ask for some help.
I remember struggling for weeks when my two little ones were young... catching buses with two in a pram (ugh...no fun). Anyway, I just kept on struggling and one day I just broke down and cried in the street, because I missed a bus and had to pick my kids up on time, couldn't afford a cab, had all the shopping, the kindy was about to close and the truth was I just wasn't coping.
An AA member walked past (yes Rick...twas a timely intervention ), and I was a right mess. He asked what was wrong and all I could say through my tears was "My bloody car died and I've got to pick my kids up!"
He didn't even hesitate or ask how far it was. He just told me he'd take me, and helped me carry my stuff to his car. While we were going there he asked what was wrong with it and I told him the head gasket had gone and the mechanic told me not to drive it before spending about a month and half of groceries on it.
When he dropped us home, he asked me if I wanted to learn how to fit a head gasket. A bit sceptically, I told him I didn't know if I could. He said he'd be back the next day.
He didn't actually turn up and my alkie head went riot with it all, because I'd stayed home waiting for him...(he went sailing with a chicky babe and of course I thought my situation was much more important ) but he did arrive the following afternoon and over two days I learned how to replace a head gasket. While we were working he asked me why I'd never shared my problem at a meeting. I said I didn't know. That was my initiation to mechanics - a gift he shared with me, that I have long since continued to enjoy. It was also the beginnings of my pride inventory.
Sometimes we suffer our own pride. It is hard to ask for help. We think we have no right, or don't deserve it. We think we should endure things alone. We think people won't care or will reject us. AA teaches us that we don't have to think like that any more. At any moment we can change that thinking and start believing in ourselves and in others.
There will be a mechanic in AA who can help get your truck back on the road, Ellen. Or someone who knows someone who can help you, or will let you pay it off. Do you actually know what's wrong with it? Maybe we can talk you through a repair online? (A guy in England helped talked us through a brake job our old Kombi, which is a vehicle totally unto itself- so depending what it is, it may be possible).
I've learned I'm not real good without transport. I start feeling confined, and get all irritable and restless. I like to know I have the freedom to exit if I need it...(and it doesn't need a mother-in-law to tilt my scales when I'm like that. I can do that all on my own.) Maybe you are a bit like that too?
Let the folks who can help you know that you need help. First things first.
stancamden said
Mar 19, 2005
I can see no harm in telling the old bat where to get off.
Next time she does something really annoying, pull her up on it. Don't be rude or aggressive and make sure you keep your temper even if she flies into hissy fits.
Let her know that she is annoying and upsetting you and that you are counting the hours till she leaves.
Ask her is she wants to be hated like that or whether she would prefer to be liked. Point out how she could modify her behaviour, so that her presence would give pleasure to both of you.
Sometimes asking someone if they would like to be your best friend or your worst enemy works. There is nothing to lose.
amanda2u2 said
Mar 19, 2005
All very interesting perspectives in reply to you,,, and here I add mine:
there is a concept called 'detachment' that has to be understood rightly... it is like 'letting go and letting God' somewhat. It means that we don't get emotionally tangled up in what the other person is doing. We don't have to defend ourselves against someone else's criticisms. We don't have to answer every question we are asked. We don't have to jump just cuz someone else says so. We don't have to go through all those hoops at all. And we don't have to bother with the negativity of angry retorts either. Detachment means we are centered with who we are and what we are doing, in our Higher Power. We can listen and consider what the other person is suggesting and then respond confidently in the way we think is best. Another person might have a good point and I will take it into consideration,, but I am not obligated to let anyone else become my 'center'.
Negativity can be very draining if we are constantly in a negative environment and allowing it to drain us... so Nic's ideas are good to make getting your transportation issues remedied. Some of my recovery friends tell me.. to work the Steps and try my best to stay 'normal' and positive,, no matter what chaos is around me.
love in recovery,
amanda
-- Edited by amanda2u2 at 16:52, 2005-03-19
Rick said
Mar 19, 2005
I guess if it was me. I'd have to deal with it.if I held it all in it would eat at me. I can say the serenity prayer for a while, then I have to move on. First I would talk to my wife, explain what's going on.( honesty) If I didn't get any releif thru her then I'd go to the mother in law. I just can't be traped. I,ve got to be real careful and take care of me. If something keeps building up in me, I have to think about where it use to take me. And I sure don't want that. My dad passed this year, now my mom is up constantly. I have to be ready. She can really push my buttons. For me,sometimes I just have to walk off. She always finds something thats not quite right with a meal,dessert or something else. Last week I asked Her why she came up to eat if was never good enough. Say a prayer for her. I guess all we can do is try.
my problem is i just recently had my truck break down on me and my husband is waiting on customers to cut checks for the work that he has already done. some approval thing. now my thing is that during my husbands drinking career he had taken advantage of his mothers good will and he took it upon himself to deside that she stay here about a third of each year. now she is alright but she carries so much negativity and always voices her opinion about everything that i do. believe me i am not that interresting. and i am used to being around those that keep to their own back yard.
i brough up the vechicle thing because i am some what trapped and don't have the freedom to come and go as i would do when i get my buttons pushed. i politely stay quiet and calm down and it is wearing on me.
this problem isn't exclusive to me i have a sister in law that goes through the same thing. mom can't afford to be on her own. she likes to take over and be all envolved in everything. and she tares my sister in law up with words. even her own daughter had her living with her and she and her husband set her straight but would not have her there again. she just doesn't know when to let things go and manipulates to get her way. stirs the pot if you will.
this is my third month and believe me that if i was just being petty i would have written earlier i guess i need to vent but i also need some tools that could be eluding me to use....i have 6 weeks to go and i am gonna need them. i havent been talking about it to anyone in the rooms because i would hate to have my husband thinking that i have a big mouth. my sponsor has had a sick spouse and she don't need this shit. so here is where i thought that i would go for some good suggestions. thank-you have a blessed day to all of you
Good Morning Ellen.
As a recovering Alcoholic, my first reaction would be to jump right in and tell you exactly what I thought, and what you should do:)
But I cant. I used to be able to talk the talk, but walking it was a different story.
I dont even have any suggestions on this one.:)
I do know that Spirituality works, and if there are situations and things in my life that I cant fix or change, I hafta pray about them, to a Higher Power of my understanding.
I also know from experience, that when I hold anger inside it can turn into a cancer of depression, so I hafta deal with things that bother me, in some positive form or another.
If I was in the same situation, I would likely try to sit down quietly and calmly, with my spouse, and share how I feel.
If I was reacting in my old ways--God help everybody!! hahaha
My thoughts are with you my freind, and you are not alone.
Its pretty hard to live and let live some days. Had to put the guns and baseball bats away.:)
I do know that, with this alky, anyway--that the more meetings I go to, the better I feel.
Serenity Prayer helps to Let Go And Let God. Hugs Phil.
Hi Ellen,
If the truck can't be worked into the budget over the next 6 weeks, it may be time to ask for some help.
I remember struggling for weeks when my two little ones were young... catching buses with two in a pram (ugh...no fun). Anyway, I just kept on struggling and one day I just broke down and cried in the street, because I missed a bus and had to pick my kids up on time, couldn't afford a cab, had all the shopping, the kindy was about to close and the truth was I just wasn't coping.
An AA member walked past (yes Rick...twas a timely intervention
), and I was a right mess. He asked what was wrong and all I could say through my tears was "My bloody car died and I've got to pick my kids up!"
He didn't even hesitate or ask how far it was. He just told me he'd take me, and helped me carry my stuff to his car. While we were going there he asked what was wrong with it and I told him the head gasket had gone and the mechanic told me not to drive it before spending about a month and half of groceries on it.
When he dropped us home, he asked me if I wanted to learn how to fit a head gasket. A bit sceptically, I told him I didn't know if I could. He said he'd be back the next day.
He didn't actually turn up and my alkie head went riot with it all, because I'd stayed home waiting for him...(he went sailing with a chicky babe and of course I thought my situation was much more important
) but he did arrive the following afternoon and over two days I learned how to replace a head gasket. While we were working he asked me why I'd never shared my problem at a meeting. I said I didn't know. That was my initiation to mechanics - a gift he shared with me, that I have long since continued to enjoy. It was also the beginnings of my pride inventory.
Sometimes we suffer our own pride. It is hard to ask for help. We think we have no right, or don't deserve it. We think we should endure things alone. We think people won't care or will reject us. AA teaches us that we don't have to think like that any more. At any moment we can change that thinking and start believing in ourselves and in others.
There will be a mechanic in AA who can help get your truck back on the road, Ellen. Or someone who knows someone who can help you, or will let you pay it off. Do you actually know what's wrong with it? Maybe we can talk you through a repair online? (A guy in England helped talked us through a brake job our old Kombi, which is a vehicle totally unto itself
- so depending what it is, it may be possible).
I've learned I'm not real good without transport. I start feeling confined, and get all irritable and restless. I like to know I have the freedom to exit if I need it...(and it doesn't need a mother-in-law to tilt my scales when I'm like that. I can do that all on my own.) Maybe you are a bit like that too?
Let the folks who can help you know that you need help. First things first.
All very interesting perspectives in reply to you,,, and here I add mine:
there is a concept called 'detachment' that has to be understood rightly... it is like 'letting go and letting God' somewhat. It means that we don't get emotionally tangled up in what the other person is doing. We don't have to defend ourselves against someone else's criticisms. We don't have to answer every question we are asked. We don't have to jump just cuz someone else says so. We don't have to go through all those hoops at all. And we don't have to bother with the negativity of angry retorts either. Detachment means we are centered with who we are and what we are doing, in our Higher Power. We can listen and consider what the other person is suggesting and then respond confidently in the way we think is best. Another person might have a good point and I will take it into consideration,, but I am not obligated to let anyone else become my 'center'.
Negativity can be very draining if we are constantly in a negative environment and allowing it to drain us... so Nic's ideas are good to make getting your transportation issues remedied. Some of my recovery friends tell me.. to work the Steps and try my best to stay 'normal' and positive,, no matter what chaos is around me.
love in recovery,
amanda
-- Edited by amanda2u2 at 16:52, 2005-03-19
I guess if it was me. I'd have to deal with it.if I held it all in it would eat at me. I can say the serenity prayer for a while, then I have to move on. First I would talk to my wife, explain what's going on.( honesty) If I didn't get any releif thru her then I'd go to the mother in law. I just can't be traped. I,ve got to be real careful and take care of me. If something keeps building up in me, I have to think about where it use to take me. And I sure don't want that. My dad passed this year, now my mom is up constantly. I have to be ready. She can really push my buttons. For me,sometimes I just have to walk off. She always finds something thats not quite right with a meal,dessert or something else. Last week I asked Her why she came up to eat if was never good enough. Say a prayer for her. I guess all we can do is try.
Best to ya Rick