Hi everyone!! Hope this finds everyone happy and healthy!! I am doing okay today. I am dealing with the repercussions for my actions 2 weeks ago. I had to go see a therapist for an "evaluation". It went pretty well, its what I needed. He made me realize that the depression I have (which is really bad) is putting me in danger. That no, I did not intentionally go back "out", but it is a symptom of of relapse mode. See, when I started using, it started the same way, deep depression. So, I go see a psych this week to see if I am in need of meds again, which is fine, cause I really don't want to have anything bad happen to me. As for work, they (case manager) still did not want me to return to work. Which is extremly depressing. So I have been out for 2 weeks now. It is scaring the hell out of me, cause I am the breadwinner. I tried to explain to them, if I don't work, I don't make money, when I don't make money, I can't pay rent, car payment, insurance or get food for my family. AND i can't the drug screen forms, and if I can't drug screen.... ya know, the viscious cycle. I don't want to end up on the street.... It really is scary. They told me that if i do another drug screen, see the therapist again and psych this week, they might let me go back to work this weekend. I am praying really hard that this is the case. I have been going to a lot of meetings this past 2 weeks. I have been trying to get the support I need. Today is hard, I worry alot, but I am trying to realize that all things happen for a reason. If I can get through one day at a time, and not worry about tomorrow, then I will be okay. But NOT worrying about tomorrow is very difficult for me. Thanks for letting me share. love and peace kim

Hi Kim. I can identify with your fear and worry. --lived every day with it--My whole life was based on fear, anxiety, and worry. One "H' of a pattern to be in daily.

I had to learn that I have no control over a lot of things. Had to also learn that there is a Higher Power greater than myself.

When I turn things over to that Higher power, it becomes much easier.

I learned to talk and pray to that Higher Power--just in small bits at first. Eventually I came to Beleive.

Yes-everything happens for a reason, and nothing happens by mistake. Growing pains arent easy some days. But then, living in reality isnt all that great some days either. But we do know "It does get better."

I look at a lot of things I worried about and feared--especially the fear of the unknown.

A lot of things, I worried myself sick over. Usually turned out ok anyway. A lot of days "If I wasnt worried, I was worried." :)  Lotta patterns had to be practiced and changed.

Depression? Yup. Denial.  Finally had to surrender to the fact that chemical depression cannot be solved on ones own will power.

Today, I hafta take stuff to keep a physical balance. I dont want to--I haftoo. 

Then I can keep working on the emotional balance that we try to attain. Through our program.

You keep at it Kim. Practice isnt easy some days, and we didnt get the way we are overnight.

One thing at a time--one day at a time--we just try to do our best.

You are not alone.  We care.

Things always work out the way they are suppose to. In AS BILL SEES IT.  WORRY = FEAR

I've been having a little trouble getting motavaited myself. Depression is spelled Acoholic in my book. At least u want to go on and work, not lay down and die. This is great in itself. Don't hurry and don't worry, it dosen't pay. It will be ok. I'm trying to post something out of as Bill sees it. Also out of 12 x 12  This says alot, not that I'm great at it. Progress not perfection

Losing Financial Fears

When a job still looked like a mere means of getting money rather than an opportunity

 

 for serv­ice, when the acquisition of money for financial in­dependence looked more

 

 important than a right dependence upon God, we were the victims of un­reasonable

 

fears. And these were fears which would make a serene and useful existence, at any

 

 financial level, quite impossible.

 

But as time passed we found that with the help of A.A.'s Twelve Steps we could lose

 

those fears, no matter what our material prospects were. We could cheerfully perform

 

humble labor without worrying about tomorrow. If our circumstances happened to be

 

good, we no longer dreaded a change for the worse, for we had learned that these

 

troubles could be turned into great values, for ourselves and for others.

 

-- Edited by Rick at 09:23, 2005-02-28

Sorry best i can do  I quit for now.

just reciently i went on anti depressants.  i had had alot to deal with in my second year and i was just lamenting from time to time and it was just taking it's toll.  i was real burnt out.  i always suffered depression just not when i was trying to work this program.  i mean that i got sober to be happy and joyous and free not miserable.  but when you are pre disposed to it, it takes alot of work to be on top of it.  i really understand what you are talking about.  at any rate i feel so much better and i really can enjoy sobriety so much better.  not that i am saying that you need meds or anything i just wanted to say that i battled with this on a daily basis and it isn't fun but it is workable, and there is hope.  have a blessed day.

Thanks everyone. I know I am not alone in this issue. I was originally diagnosed with depression when I was 16, I am now 38. OVer the years I have been on various antidepressants. Nothing ever truly "worked" for me, well I should say they worked for a time, then didn't do so good, and ended up coming off them. Then again, the closer I am looking at things these days, hmmm, maybe they DID work, and I would choose to go off them, cause I felt better, then I'd get worse again.!!! LOL boy is that addictive/alcoholic behaviour. Well, I am praying this time I get it right. Thanks everyone. kim