This mornings meditation walked me back through one of my friendships, so I thought I might share this.
I have a friend who is born on the same day as me. He is the 5th child of large landowners and hoteliers here in Aus. He went to private schools and he is particularly well educated. I really appreciate his mind - he is a thoughtful, generous soul - a very considerate type, when it comes to others. He can also hold a conversation that goes beyond the weather, and I always enjoy talking to him, and when we do, it is usually very lengthy. He has a great grasp of finances, investments, business and has also studied psychology. He presents very smartly and begins each day by swimming laps at the local pool. He is gorgeous...fit, bronzed, blonde... very much the typical Aussie in appearance.
He wakes each day in an industrial rubbish bin or similar place. He sleeps on picnic tables in summer and bins in winter. He has had periods of time during the wet season when he slept on my couch, and he rises immediately grateful for simple things, like a convenient toilet and available coffee or a piece of toast. He has always paid his way - and we have argued often, when he has left money on my table to say thankyou for a sandwich or some other trivial thing that simply does not incur a debt in friendship.
Despite periods of sobriety, he today remains wet. He has been a member of AA for about 12 years. He's had a series of menial jobs, like washing cars etc. that are well below his ability and education, but he prefers them because there is less fuss when a car washer loses the plot or arrives drunk for work.
I have also sat with this man, when he has cried like a baby and shared his desperation. I have stepped forward when he feels like yelling at someone or wants to act on his hurt. I have woken up to find him sleeping in my driveway, and other times on my couch - which is a little disturbing because he never remembers how he got in, and there is never any sign of his entry. I have picked him up from the watch-house after a series of arrests. I have delivered him to rehabs, where he has completed several lengthy programs and re-established himself temporarily in society... securing a 'respectable' home and employment, only to slowly sink back into a slow loss of self respect, that eventually leads back to a drink and the rubbish bin.
What I can honestly say though, with all respect - is that in all the time we have known each other, we have never been able to move past the first step together. He jumps all over the place... admits defeat, then rushes off to help others, then jumps back to sink into an inventory based only on his defects, then runs round to a series of churches, and starts sprouting spiritual talk. He intellectualises every word of the steps and can quote them even when laying face down in his own vomit.
He just kept on coming back, kicking and fighting with his own mind. Trying to make sense of our own senseless behaviours when under a powerful influence. He wants things to add up. And he refused to accept that sometimes things just don't add up - no matter how you try to fiddle the numbers.
He arrived at meetings - sometimes stark raving blind, other times humbled, sometimes angry, sometimes tearful, sometimes defiant, sometimes desperate, and sometimes naked. No matter how he came, I was always glad to see him. He is my friend.
Amidst all the mental kicking and fighting, I have always related to so much. I have no doubt this man has been a crucial aid to my sobriety. A willingness to admit defeat is not enough, an admission of unmanagability is not enough. When WE (together) come to truly BELIEVE in that power greater than ourselves, we stop kicking and fighting - but WE can't do that on our own. WE need each other, not just as trail blazers or lighthouses - but as supports, guides, fellow believers in the spirit of humanity, and friends. We need each other to remind us of our potential, help us count our blessings, abilities and personal achievements - and to BELIEVE in that spirit or power that lives in and beyond each of us, that is GREATER than what we had previously come to believe.
Here's what came of all this (for me...)
Taking that step has nothing to do with church, or a God of someone elses understanding - it about believing in our own potential (the power greater than us), acknowledging our true worth and striving for an inner belief, that has the power to take us out of the bin, the gutter, personal prison or brothel and place us firmly in the life we want to live (away from the insanity of misery, pain, defeatism, ridicule, failure, boredom etc). But none of us can see that potential when left to our own devices... we need others to help us take inventory, and acknowledge that coming short is part of striving - not a failure, just part of the process. We need others to believe in us, because when that belief remains subject to our own appraisals - they can often be coloured by feelings of "less than" or "not good enough" - so the threat of strengthening that belief is very strong.
With the help of other AA's we eventually stop kicking and fighting - and we come to believe. I think maybe, the first part of helping another is taking the time to see the good in them, and then introducing them to that goodness.
All the best everyone,
Nic
Rick said
Jan 29, 2005
Nic Thats a sad story lots of them out there. Went to a meeting yesterday, a man said he was frustrated.(I saw him analyzeing the hell out of things ) He said we all have the desease to different degrees. I agree totally. Sometimes we have to keep it real simple--don't drink go to meetings. He also made a statement he thought we may all be alcoholics, but were not same. Why of course!! We are all individuals!! Why would are desease be the same?? Why must we all have different bottoms?? One thing for sure we can carry the message not the alcoholic. I'm going to visit my cousin in the hospital today. Don't know the complete story, but between drugs and alcohol he nearly lost his life. Not sure if he tried to end it or just a OD of accident. Anyway he helped me get back on track when I came back to the program. I called him and we did a meeting together. Ive stayed clean, he can muster about 30 days and relapse. I guess the BB says there are tougher paths. It also says GOD will disclose more as we go on.
GOOD DAY GOOD POST Really makes u think where we came from. I can say I'm a grateful recovering Alcoholic today. We all kicked and fought in are own way.
A funny thing the man at the meeting helped my dad get sober. My dad died last March with 33 years of sobriety. I remember my dad telling me about this man, what a nice guy he was but he just couldn't get it. He told me the same story, how he just couldn't stay sober. He now has about 17 years!!
-- Edited by Rick at 08:32, 2005-01-29
Nic said
Jan 29, 2005
Yes. It's about each of us helping each other to see our contribution, I think. Realising our worth and part in the greater scheme of things...
Have a great day Rick, and give that guy in the hospital a grin from me.
I'm glad he's still around. It really bugs me when the disease gets a win...
Hi All,
This mornings meditation walked me back through one of my friendships, so I thought I might share this.
I have a friend who is born on the same day as me. He is the 5th child of large landowners and hoteliers here in Aus. He went to private schools and he is particularly well educated. I really appreciate his mind - he is a thoughtful, generous soul - a very considerate type, when it comes to others. He can also hold a conversation that goes beyond the weather, and I always enjoy talking to him, and when we do, it is usually very lengthy. He has a great grasp of finances, investments, business and has also studied psychology. He presents very smartly and begins each day by swimming laps at the local pool. He is gorgeous...fit, bronzed, blonde... very much the typical Aussie in appearance.
He wakes each day in an industrial rubbish bin or similar place. He sleeps on picnic tables in summer and bins in winter. He has had periods of time during the wet season when he slept on my couch, and he rises immediately grateful for simple things, like a convenient toilet and available coffee or a piece of toast. He has always paid his way - and we have argued often, when he has left money on my table to say thankyou for a sandwich or some other trivial thing that simply does not incur a debt in friendship.
Despite periods of sobriety, he today remains wet. He has been a member of AA for about 12 years. He's had a series of menial jobs, like washing cars etc. that are well below his ability and education, but he prefers them because there is less fuss when a car washer loses the plot or arrives drunk for work.
I have also sat with this man, when he has cried like a baby and shared his desperation. I have stepped forward when he feels like yelling at someone or wants to act on his hurt. I have woken up to find him sleeping in my driveway, and other times on my couch - which is a little disturbing because he never remembers how he got in, and there is never any sign of his entry. I have picked him up from the watch-house after a series of arrests. I have delivered him to rehabs, where he has completed several lengthy programs and re-established himself temporarily in society... securing a 'respectable' home and employment, only to slowly sink back into a slow loss of self respect, that eventually leads back to a drink and the rubbish bin.
What I can honestly say though, with all respect - is that in all the time we have known each other, we have never been able to move past the first step together. He jumps all over the place... admits defeat, then rushes off to help others, then jumps back to sink into an inventory based only on his defects, then runs round to a series of churches, and starts sprouting spiritual talk. He intellectualises every word of the steps and can quote them even when laying face down in his own vomit.
He just kept on coming back, kicking and fighting with his own mind. Trying to make sense of our own senseless behaviours when under a powerful influence. He wants things to add up. And he refused to accept that sometimes things just don't add up - no matter how you try to fiddle the numbers.
He arrived at meetings - sometimes stark raving blind, other times humbled, sometimes angry, sometimes tearful, sometimes defiant, sometimes desperate, and sometimes naked. No matter how he came, I was always glad to see him. He is my friend.
Amidst all the mental kicking and fighting, I have always related to so much. I have no doubt this man has been a crucial aid to my sobriety. A willingness to admit defeat is not enough, an admission of unmanagability is not enough. When WE (together) come to truly BELIEVE in that power greater than ourselves, we stop kicking and fighting - but WE can't do that on our own. WE need each other, not just as trail blazers or lighthouses - but as supports, guides, fellow believers in the spirit of humanity, and friends. We need each other to remind us of our potential, help us count our blessings, abilities and personal achievements - and to BELIEVE in that spirit or power that lives in and beyond each of us, that is GREATER than what we had previously come to believe.
Here's what came of all this (for me...)
Taking that step has nothing to do with church, or a God of someone elses understanding - it about believing in our own potential (the power greater than us), acknowledging our true worth and striving for an inner belief, that has the power to take us out of the bin, the gutter, personal prison or brothel and place us firmly in the life we want to live (away from the insanity of misery, pain, defeatism, ridicule, failure, boredom etc). But none of us can see that potential when left to our own devices... we need others to help us take inventory, and acknowledge that coming short is part of striving - not a failure, just part of the process. We need others to believe in us, because when that belief remains subject to our own appraisals - they can often be coloured by feelings of "less than" or "not good enough" - so the threat of strengthening that belief is very strong.
With the help of other AA's we eventually stop kicking and fighting - and we come to believe. I think maybe, the first part of helping another is taking the time to see the good in them, and then introducing them to that goodness.
All the best everyone,
Nic
Nic Thats a sad story lots of them out there. Went to a meeting yesterday, a man said he was frustrated.(I saw him analyzeing the hell out of things ) He said we all have the desease to different degrees. I agree totally. Sometimes we have to keep it real simple--don't drink go to meetings. He also made a statement he thought we may all be alcoholics, but were not same. Why of course!! We are all individuals!! Why would are desease be the same?? Why must we all have different bottoms?? One thing for sure we can carry the message not the alcoholic. I'm going to visit my cousin in the hospital today. Don't know the complete story, but between drugs and alcohol he nearly lost his life. Not sure if he tried to end it or just a OD of accident. Anyway he helped me get back on track when I came back to the program. I called him and we did a meeting together. Ive stayed clean, he can muster about 30 days and relapse. I guess the BB says there are tougher paths. It also says GOD will disclose more as we go on.
GOOD DAY GOOD POST Really makes u think where we came from. I can say I'm a grateful recovering Alcoholic today. We all kicked and fought in are own way.
A funny thing the man at the meeting helped my dad get sober. My dad died last March with 33 years of sobriety. I remember my dad telling me about this man, what a nice guy he was but he just couldn't get it. He told me the same story, how he just couldn't stay sober. He now has about 17 years!!
-- Edited by Rick at 08:32, 2005-01-29
Yes. It's about each of us helping each other to see our contribution, I think. Realising our worth and part in the greater scheme of things...
Have a great day Rick, and give that guy in the hospital a grin from me.
I'm glad he's still around. It really bugs me when the disease gets a win...