Subject: Fw: Chilli Bake Off > Some of you probably got this one before but it will still put tears in your > eyes from laughing. > Phil > > Subject: FW: Chilli Bake Off > > > > > > The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was > > visiting Texas from the East Coast: > > > > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili > > cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened > > to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the > > Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two > > judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, > > besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I > > accepted." > > > > Here are the scorecards from the event: > > > > Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili) > > > > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. > > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. > > Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could > > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put theflames > > out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > > > > Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili) > > > > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. > > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken > > seriously. > > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what > > I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who > > wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer > > when they > > saw the look on my face. > > > > Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili) > > > > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. > > Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. > > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels > > like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get > > me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my > > backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from > > all of the beer. > > > > Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic) > > > > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or > > other mild foods, not much of a chili. > > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to > > taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was > > standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.er is starting to > > look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an > > aphrodisiac? > > > > Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover) > > > > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding > > > > considerable kick. Very impressive. > > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit > > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I > > can no longer focus my eyes. I let off gas and four people behind me needed > > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili > > had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring > > beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips > > off. It really peaves me off that the other judges asked me to stop > > screaming. > > Screw those rednecks. > > > > Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety) > > > > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of > > spices and peppers. > > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. > > Superb. > > Judge #3-- I had an accident, when I let off gas and I'm worried it will eat through > > the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She > > must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to > > wipe my butt with a snow cone. > > > > Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili) > > > > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. > > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of > > chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried > > about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing > > uncontrollably. > > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I > > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds > > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which > > slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to > > match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. > > I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not > > getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through > > the 4-inch hole in my stomach. > > > > Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili) > > > > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold > > but spicy enough to declare its existence. > > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor > > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, > > fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if > > he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really > > hot chili?

In the TexMex restaurant my godson used to work in, the chili chef was rotated regularly because you very quickly build up a tolerance to it.