A man stranded on a desert island comes across a woman who has washed up onto shore. The man helps the woman and welcomes her to the island. Later on that day, the woman says, "I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded on this island, did you?" The man explains that he did smoke before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a cigarette from her bag, and they enjoy a smoke together. A little later, the woman says, "I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded on this island, did you?" The man explains that he did drink before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a flask from her bag, and they enjoy a drink together. Some time later, the woman says, "So, you've been on this island for ten years without a woman, huh?" "That's right," says the man. The woman continue, "I don't suppose you'd like to play around?" "Good God lady," exclaimed the man, "you have a set of clubs in that bag too!'

There's an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman stranded on a desert island. A bottle is washed up on the shore and once the cork is removed a geni pops out who grants them three wishes. The Scot says "I wish I was back home in Dundee with my family". Whooosh he disappears. The Englishman says "I wish I was at work in Scunthorpe". Flaaash he disappears. The Irishman says "Oh jeez it will be very lonely round here, I wish the other two were back".

Here's one with a wee accent for ya Phil...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dooblin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "Ya knooooo, a pint goes flat soon after I draw it, sooo it would taste better if yoooo bought one at a time.

The Irishman replies, "Well, ya seeeee, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Oooorstralia, and I'm in Dooblin. When we all left hooome, we promised that we'd drink this way to rrrrremember the days we drank togetherrrr. So I drink one for each o' me brothers and one for meeeeself."

"Ock, aye!" The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn - one sip of each glass at a time.

One day, he comes in and orders only two pints. All of the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender
says, "I doooon't want to intrude o yourrrrr grief, but I want to offer my condooooolences on yourrrrr loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment. Then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Ock, noooooo! Everybody's jus fine," he explains.

"It's jus that me wife dragged me doooown to Aaa Aaa, and they dooooon't allow drinkin, soooo I ad to quit."

"Hasn't affected meee brooothers thooooough."

Eye me Gads bye!! Em tartin tu tuk foony!! Ef ther es e GAD PLIS HULP MU!! Mist bee thum pupils frum cruss te ocuns!! Too muche Grog!! Ta TA ROFLMAO

Oooooh. I've jus near weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed meeeeeeeeself!!!

ROTLooFLMAO

One year during the audit of a construction company, I asked why the company bought so many bunches of flowers when I had seen none in any of the offices and they certainly would not have them on site and even the board of directors could not have had that many mistresses. I was referred to the head of the Personnel Department, who explained that they go and take them round to the pensioners on a regular basis. I commented that that was very kind of them. He laughed and told me about when they called round to give one pensioner his flowers, the son who was an old man himself said that his father had died a couple of years back. When asked about why the pernsion had continued to be drawn each week, he said "Oh me old dah left me that". No prosecution was brought for the theft, but the payments stopped forthwith.