Hi, my name is Ginger and I am not an Alcoholic but my husband is and I have some questions and I thought who better to answer. First my husband and I have been together for 21 years and through out that time he has battled with sobriety. I think maybe he went 2 years at the most without a slip. Well that is the longest he has went. Here lately he cannot even go 3 days without getting drunk. He is actively involved with AA face to face meetings. He will go drunk or drinking or get up in the middle of the meeting and leave.
I have supported him in any endeavor he chooses with his addiction. He has been through a Rehab and stayed for 30 days. I have joined Alanon (years ago) to help support him. In other words I have been there for him every step of the way.
Well he told me that he wanted to drink and he knew that I wouldn't allow it at our house. Recently he had taken to not coming home from work for 1 to 3 days at times. So I decided okay I would let him come home and sober up so he wouldn't get into any trouble. Well he has taken advantage of that and decided that he would come home every day drinking or drunk.
So I ask him to make a choice sobriety or leaving the home. Well he chose to leave which is what I had expected. My question for you is ; Was that the right thing to do from your perspective? Can he sober up if he wants too? Should I do anything else to help him with his sobriety or is it up to him at this point? Does it appear from your perspective that he just doesn't want to get sober?
I would really appreciate any help or advice you all could give me on this. I thought if anyone would know the answers it would be you all. Thanks in advance! Ginger
Phil said
Jan 23, 2005
Hi Ginger. Sounds to me as if you have done all the right things.:)
And Personally I dont think theres anything more you can do except carry on taking care of you.
Alcoholism is a pretty powerful disease.
I remember when I was given those same choices, and as much as I loved my family and wife dearly, the alcohol had to take priority, because I craved it,and I needed it to function, --I was powerless.
As much as I knew where AA was and where the help was--the alcoholic monkey on my shoulder kept saying more-more-more. I couldnt turn it around.
When the people around me left, I could then do all the drinking I could do, without having people on my back. By doin that, I was able to hit a bottom of my own making, where it was either die or go back to AA.
He has got to hit his own bottom where, maybe this time he will GET IT--but then again--maybe he wont.
As hard as it may be to do its the "Let Go and Let God" Take care of you dear, and pray. Good luck. Phil
Gngr said
Jan 23, 2005
Phil,
Thank you so very much! You will never know how much what you just said has helped me. Even though I read all the books, attend meetings, etc, it's nothing better than hearing things first hand from someone who knows.
Thanks a million! Congratulations on your maintaining Sobriety !!
Ginger
ellen said
Jan 24, 2005
just reciently i have been trying to help two people in the family on my husbands side in trying to get sober. i am in recovery for the past two and a half years. the thing is for me is to help them to a point. i shared to them my experience strength and hope. let them know the program and the whys, and to tell them that on the level of the insanity, that we all are different but we have a common bond. i don't believe in shame but honesty. but at some point the ball must be placed in their court and you have to stand back and let them have the right to do what they are going to do. to then get on with your own life and do the things that you need to do for yourself. never allow you to participate in the misery loves company thing. well one of the family members now calls me up to go to meetings and the other plays victim then is where you now know to invest time or not in a persons recovery.
you have done all you can and all you can do and it is hard is to wait and see what they do--but you must go and take care of yourself at all times he may be squandering his life but you have a responsibility not to squander yours. really that is all you can do.
Cabbageheadchris said
Jan 24, 2005
Good morning. Good advice from Phil and Ellen, you can't make someone stop drinking, they have to come to that realisation themselves. Some people realise early and some people realise late, all down to the individual. Hitting rock bottom was a great way of shocking me into taking action.
Hi, my name is Ginger and I am not an Alcoholic but my husband is and I have some questions and I thought who better to answer. First my husband and I have been together for 21 years and through out that time he has battled with sobriety. I think maybe he went 2 years at the most without a slip. Well that is the longest he has went. Here lately he cannot even go 3 days without getting drunk. He is actively involved with AA face to face meetings. He will go drunk or drinking or get up in the middle of the meeting and leave.
I have supported him in any endeavor he chooses with his addiction. He has been through a Rehab and stayed for 30 days. I have joined Alanon (years ago) to help support him. In other words I have been there for him every step of the way.
Well he told me that he wanted to drink and he knew that I wouldn't allow it at our house. Recently he had taken to not coming home from work for 1 to 3 days at times. So I decided okay I would let him come home and sober up so he wouldn't get into any trouble. Well he has taken advantage of that and decided that he would come home every day drinking or drunk.
So I ask him to make a choice sobriety or leaving the home. Well he chose to leave which is what I had expected. My question for you is ; Was that the right thing to do from your perspective? Can he sober up if he wants too? Should I do anything else to help him with his sobriety or is it up to him at this point? Does it appear from your perspective that he just doesn't want to get sober?
I would really appreciate any help or advice you all could give me on this. I thought if anyone would know the answers it would be you all. Thanks in advance! Ginger
Phil,
Thank you so very much! You will never know how much what you just said has helped me. Even though I read all the books, attend meetings, etc, it's nothing better than hearing things first hand from someone who knows.
Thanks a million! Congratulations on your maintaining Sobriety !!
Ginger
just reciently i have been trying to help two people in the family on my husbands side in trying to get sober. i am in recovery for the past two and a half years. the thing is for me is to help them to a point. i shared to them my experience strength and hope. let them know the program and the whys, and to tell them that on the level of the insanity, that we all are different but we have a common bond. i don't believe in shame but honesty. but at some point the ball must be placed in their court and you have to stand back and let them have the right to do what they are going to do. to then get on with your own life and do the things that you need to do for yourself. never allow you to participate in the misery loves company thing. well one of the family members now calls me up to go to meetings and the other plays victim then is where you now know to invest time or not in a persons recovery.
you have done all you can and all you can do and it is hard is to wait and see what they do--but you must go and take care of yourself at all times he may be squandering his life but you have a responsibility not to squander yours. really that is all you can do.
Good morning. Good advice from Phil and Ellen, you can't make someone stop drinking, they have to come to that realisation themselves. Some people realise early and some people realise late, all down to the individual. Hitting rock bottom was a great way of shocking me into taking action.
Best wishes.
Chris.