Every time I hear that "half measures availed us nothing" I think, half ASSED measures availed ME nothing.  I am doing this recovery thing half assed a lot of the time.  I only make it to about 3 meetings a week.  I put time with my kids, my husband, and work demands ahead of my recovery.  I sometimes do, sometimes do not ask a higher power for help or thank him/her for helping me stay sober.  I tell my sponsor some things but not others.  I minimize what I need to do when talking to my husband because I want him to think I'm better instead of constantly worrying about whatever drama I'm going to cook up next.  And the result is, I'm walking around overflowing with anger.  I don't think I want to drink, but apparently I'm not ready to completely surrender.  I'm jealous of people who have surrendered.  I fear that I'm headed down the familiar road of self sabotage.  I also use all of this to beat up on myself for doing a crappy job at recovery.  I hear the same voice in my head telling me I'm a fraud, no good, etc., etc.  Last week's meeting with my sponsor was so great.  I wish I could bottle that and sprinkly a little in every day. Why can't I just give in and do this?

Don't beat yourself up too badly. Sobriety takes practice. Nothing wrong with 'faking it' till you make it on some things, but be careful of which you choose to 'fake'. You're not alone, hun, I too half assed sobriety the first 2 yrs I was in the program. It always got me drunk (not to say it will you). But, it took what it took for me! It wasn't until after my last relapse that I 'discovered' I could ADMIT I was an alcoholic, I just couldn't ACCEPT it. Today, I accept it and I am grateful to be a recovering alcoholic. Never in a million years would I have thought that one! I taped 'prayers' to the bathroom mirror to remind me to ask for help and to say thank you (I still have one up there that just reads "PRAY DUMBASS!) It really is progress not perfection. So keep practicing......And no matter what, don't drink! ((((hugs)))) love and prayers. Jen

Hey Jen The most important thing you can do is ask yourself if this is what you really want! I came in because my husband did and there was no way I could have stayed with him and my kids if I didnt do the same as him! So, for 2 months, I went to meetings everyday, and after my husband went to work at night, I would drink! Thought I was making him happy while lying to him. Of course he knew what I was doing because I couldnt wait any longer for him to go to work and Id end up drinking and try to hide it! I really didnt want all this... Didnt think I had that big of a problem! But lo and behold! I went and listened to others and realized...Shit! I AM AN ALCOHOLIC!!! How else could I explain the fact that I had given up my fancy bottle of wine now and then for the pints of cheap vodka I stashed all over the house! How I could go to my kids high school functions with alcohol on my breath or drive my kids around, and their friends with a buzz!? Have friends over and be the first one wasted and either go to bed or worse yet...(havent admitted this one here but its a biggy...flirt with my girlfriends husband!!! Yuck, the choices I made! But I was just FINE!!! Now that I look back...I thank God everyday for relieving me of the obsession to drink! I just said the words, didnt really mean them, didnt even want them! But today I am so thankful for everything I have. Hell no its not easy and I have my days of craving like crazy! But they are getting farther apart each day! Like Doll said..fake it till you make it! You are so worth it!! Nobody works a perfect program! The only thing that worked for me was meetings everyday, talking to my sponsor, and putting my sobriety before anything! There will come a time when 2-3 meetings a week will be ok, and forgetting to pray everyday isnt too big of a deal. But for now, decide if youre willing to take a chance towards happiness! No one is making you do this. You dont have to completely surrender today. Baby steps is all it takes and a willingness to at least try. Youve come this far and look back at all that you have achieved! Think of taking your kids to the park and enjoying planting a dang rose bush! Think of all the great new people (esp. on here!!lol) that you met. Its nice when the good things add up eveyday that you can be thankful for rather than ashamed of! Its up to you to add more "sprinkles" to your day!!!! Good luck!!! (sorry so long winded!!!) Lani

Hi Jen, Keep your head up, tomorrow will be a better day. You're still gonna have rough days a couple times a week for awhile. When it happens, just keep you head down and put one foot in front of the other and say "this too shall pass". Everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end. When we were drinking, we never wanted it to end. That's what trips us up when we give up drinking, we still want to do a lot of one thing. Doll already said it, "We seek progress not perfection". It's easy to see that you are a "driven" individual. That's a good thing, as long as you know when to relax and take time for other things. You have a very full life, and it's amazing that you were able to keep all those balls up in the air, while you were drinking. The reality is, as our disease progresses, that sooner or later, the ability to keep it all together goes away. And intuitively, you knew that, because you're smart. Realize now that your disease is talking to you when you get frustrated and think that some things went a little smoother when you were drinking. If you search back a few pages on this forum, you'll find where I posted three threads about "PAWS" or post acute withdraw syndrome. Or google it. Dean

That voice inside your head, we all have it. It's our disease (600 lb Gorilla) trying to get us to set it loose so it can create more havoc. It tells us were a piece of shit, that we're fatally flawed, that this program works for others but can't work for us because we're so much worse then anyone else. Don't believe it, it wants to destroy every good thing in our lives. Bob.

Thanks everyone.  After reading posts here, going to my favorite noon meeting (at which I kvetched and cried and cursed -- and in return got love and good humor), and meeting with my sponsor, I feel somewhat renewed.  Somewhat.  I guess that's enough for now, and I am grateful.

Glad you headed to a meeting today, jc. It sounds like you need to take an account of the things you ARE and HAVE been doing that are positive. We can easily criticize ourselves back into the bottle. We not only search in recovery to try to get a positive attitude about external things, but we MUST start thinking better thoughts about ourselves. We have GOT to stop being perfectionists. I struggle with this immensely. I did not become the stark raving mess of an alcoholic that stumbled into AA overnight... no, it took me many years to become as pathetic as I unfortunately was. So if I think I can somehow have it all together on the inside in a matter of months, I am kidding myself. I need to learn to put away the baseball bat that I keep beating msyelf up with, and just let the program do it's work on me over time.... Easy Does It... I am not the best at this yet, but I am trying. And I call my sponsor and I come here and you wonderful people tell me to Take It Easy sometimes, when I can't do it myself. Hope you ended up having a good day, jc, and remember, you are GOOD, and you are right where you are supposed to be, as we all are. ((((hugs))))