Where do we get the strength to be honest with others about ourselves, without fear of rejection??? What is the idea behind rigourous honesty? thank you, mary

Honesty within ourselves. Honesty with others. Scared of rejection. False fronts. Fear. Not wanting to be alone. Heavy stuff Mary. If there are people in my life that I love, and they love me unconditionally in return, then I shouldnt be afraid to be completely honest with them, and visa versa We play mind games with ourselves, to cover up self honesty within.--because we do that, we automatically play mind games with others. Im just speaking for myself here. I put on masks and cover up how I trully feel inside, therefore I cant show others how I truly am and feel. I just came out of a marriage, where Ide do anything, not to rock the boat. I knew my partner had been through hell in her life, and was mistrusting of everyone, had walls up a mile high. was moody, and was carrying a lot of baggage. I also was carrying a lot of baggage. I had to do something about my baggage. I thought it was all me. That they were ok. They thought they were ok. To make a long story short--I cleaned up my side of the street-I learned to show love, trust, give etc --no ulterior motives or games whatsoever. Went to insane lengths to do that. Things would be ok for a while then a trigger would set things off, and Bang. I blamed me. Self esteem went for a complete crap. Got sick because of it all. Allowed myself to become emotionally controlled beyond beleif--took blame-would not react because of fear of negative reactions in return. Understood what the other person was going through, but refused to set boundaries for myself, and held a lot of anger inside, because I didnt stand up for myself. I allowed myself to be used as a scapoegoat for anothers reactions, that really had nothing to do with me whatsoever. It was stuff from the past, that wasnt even mine to take on. Finally after a lot of more outside councelling, and a phycologist, it clicked, that unless the other person got outside help for their baggage, that nothing, absolutely nothing, was going to change. The patterns would stay the same forever. They stayed the same. Pull in-because of love---push away because of fear. I finally had to cut the strings FOR ME. and accept that nothing was going to change. And it was not all about me any more. I had done all I could. I had to get Honest with me. I rationalized, made excuses, and knew, and had no doubts, that it all could have worked, but without the other party committed on a full time basis, had to finally realize that there was just no way. I still stand by with unconditional love--through God. And in time maybe they will get the help they need for them. But for now I get on with living, and leave what happens tomorrow in a Higher Powers hands. Unconditional love between people is Just that. It involves honest communication. Trust. Giving without motives and game playing. Problem solving. Committment. Forgiveness, and acceptance FULLY of each other. If Im honest with myself, and honest with others. Thats the Biggy. It hasta start there. If others cant accept my honesty, then its not my stuff--it becomes theirs. My problem was Fear of rejection. Fear of failure, again. Fear of getting to know the real me, and giving me self love and self forgiveness. Fear of being alone. Dont know if that helps any Mary. Its just a small part of my experience that I share with you, as we do with each other---and learn one day at a time as we go. I dont have all the answers. I just know that life is just too short, and Honesty within oneself HAS to come first.

-- Edited by Phil at 17:13, 2004-12-18

 That is the very topic that has been on my mind all week, and has indeed put me in a crisis with a friend of mine, and in general with myself.

There were 3 of us after the AA meeting last week, at breakfast. We were talking, and I said something that I felt important to stand up about. My friend told me not to push it, and I said that I had to tell the truth. He asked, as Pontius Pilate did, in the Bible, "What is truth?"  I left, and thought a lot about it. Even at this morning's meeting..  we were talking about it.  I told that that today, my name is amanda, and I am a wine connoiseur and taster who is temporarily out of work. Many of us have very shaky self-images...   some of us don't want to say we are homeless moochers, but we want to say we are holy mendicants. While others of us want to say we are absolutely not worth the space we are taking up on this earth and are complete jerks. The truth lies somewhere in the middle, I think.

Honesty doesn't mean we have to tell everyone everything. I like to say that people are on a need to know basis. Many of us are coming to see that we are not as bad as we thought, nor as grandiose as we dreamed. We are from all walks of life, with various talents and foibles, struggling with our own weaknesses. Some of us are willing to admit that our particular struggles include one with alcohol, and we go on to say that we are gratefully recovering through the AA 12 Step program. We have found, those of us who can do this, that tho some people react negatively, many people respect us, and some even quietly admit that they are friends of Bill W. also.

We are not required to put our jobs in jeopardy, nor invite scandal, that is why this is an anonymous program. Well, one reason why. Nor should we pretend that we are perfect people with no flaws.

For all of that,,,   you must gauge each situation for yourself and decide what is appropriate in that situation.

love in anonymous recovery,

amanda

-- Edited by amanda2u2 at 18:40, 2004-12-18

thanks Phil and Amanda. I got a lot from reading your posts. Mary