could someone explain why I feel guilty about not wanting to have my husbands

alcoholic brother and his wife living with us for supposedly a month could go longer.

Now we have never got along and I would have to deal with the BS which drives

me crazier.   Now we live in a warmer climate and bro in law wants to bring his

motorcyle out here to ride in nicer weather.  Now they couldnt stand to be in the

same room with me and I do know what I would have to deal with.  I know thru

program I have choices and boundaries but where does this guilt come from

that I dont want to live that way again.... its so confusing   Busbe

Hi Busbe. --Dont know if Ile make any sense. :) We try our best to help others any way we can by giving of ourselves. Ive done that, and at some points have given till I had nothing left to give, and was exhausted, and drained. Boundaries? As much as Ide like to help sometimes, we hafta get selfish and think about us first. The Guilt part to me, is having to say "NO" I cant do this." So-theres usually a reaction within me or outside of me, that creates Guilt, because as much as I want to help, I cant do it. If it was my family Ide likely feel the same way, but I know that Ide hafta say no, even if it p$#@#ssed them of or not. Its the "people pleaser" in me. Dont know if that helps or just confused yu more(Smile) Ive got a saying that I picked up not that long ago. "Trying to please others sometimes, is like helping a little old lady across the street,-- and you both fall and slip in a big mud puddle. You help her up, and she gives you Sheeet for getting her all muddy." Then you feel guilty. ----("SCREAM!!!) Have a nice day:) Hugs

An Article on Guilt:Why Do I Feel Guilty? Have you ever blown up at someone and then felt guilty about it? Or maybe you've felt bad after lying to your parents. Feeling guilty can make you feel afraid, ashamed, or disappointed in yourself. Guilt can make your life miserable unless you learn how to deal with it in a constructive way. Guilt is when you feel bad because you know you’ve done something wrong. Having feelings of guilt can be bad for you, but they can also be good. It all depends on the kind of guilt you feel, and why you feel it. The kind of guilt feeling that can be good for you is called constructive guilt. Constructive guilt makes you feel bad about something you did that really is wrong—by anyone’s standards. For example, if you cheat on a test, you should feel guilty. It’s wrong. That feeling of guilt can lead you to feel angry and disappointed in yourself, and that will help you not to do it again. This kind of guilt is not bad for you; it’s your conscience. The kind of guilt that can be bad for you is called destructive guilt. It makes you feel bad about something you did—or even just thought about doing—that really isn't wrong. This kind of guilt is bad because you worry so much about what's wrong with you that you can't enjoy what's right with you. Destructive guilt can also be the kind you use as payment. This means you did something wrong, and you feel rotten about it. But then you go out and do it again, and again. You figure you're paying for your mistake by feeling guilty about it. But that's all you do. You never go beyond that to improve your behavior. What can you do if you're feeling a lot of destructive guilt--the kind that messes up your head? One thing you can do is to look at those things you do that are right, not just the things you do that may be wrong. If you get uptight and feel bad about every little thing you do that you or others don't approve of, pretty soon that's all you'll think about. You'll constantly feel guilty for not being a better person. But if you put the accent on what's right with you, you'll cut down on the amount of guilt feelings you suffer. Another thing you can do is to learn more about those situations that cause you to feel guilty. For example, if you feel rotten when you blow up at your parents, learn more about parent-teen relationships. Talk to a teacher or counselor at school, or to a clergy-person. You'll probably realize that it's natural for you to lose your "cool" with your parents once in a while, that there's no reason for you to feel guilty when this happens occasionally. When you learn more about why you act the way you do, you'll know whether or not you really do have something to feel guilty about. "_Since guilt can be such a strong motivator, some people use it against us. Making someone feel guilty when they don’t deserve it is a way that some people make others do what they want them to. Maybe your friends have said something like, "You've got to get your dad's car so we can make the party. Otherwise, none of us can go." That’s a way to make you feel guilt about “not being a good friend,” when, in fact, you’re just obeying the rules. It’s not a good way to act, and it’s not a good way to feel." Guilt can be good and guilt can be bad. If you’re feeling guilty, think about why. Were your actions wrong? If so, how can you make up for it or change so as not to do it again? Or are you feeling guilty for no good reason? Is someone making you feel guilty and you don’t think you deserve it? Then talk to someone you trust about it. You can keep from getting down on yourself when you do make mistakes by remembering that you do a lot of things right, too.

Thanks Phil for replying I have been obsessing over this far too long. It just sticks

in my craw and cant unload it.  U have helped me with this dilema and let me know

that my thinking is not so far off track......We just dont blend well together ( husbands

family and I)   no one is interested in any kind of recovery.....Busbe

Hi Busbe,

I think one of the hardest things for us is learning to say No. To grog, anyone or anything.

I feel as though I can really understand your feelings right now. Sometimes just using our voice to state our truth, is so hard isn't it? Recovery to me means I am striving to recover so many things that I lost, threw away and in some cases, can't ever remember actually having! So when I stand to protect myself (which is always harder than protecting someone else) it is often followed by a period where I question, doubt and reassure my own worthiness. It is hard to maintain a peaceful world, but once you have a taste of it - you don't want to let it go again.

Sometimes to maintain and value our peace we have to do and say things we know we wouldn't want said or done to us... or things that may have actually been done or said to us - so we already know they hurt. But we still have to do it. And when you have been hurt, it is very hard to do things that may hurt others.... and enter into potential conflict. Sometimes we can smile, shrug whatever and just move on (physically and mentally), but when people come directly into our lives on a full-time or semi permanent basis, who can press our buttons and encourage us to be less of our own potential (we all know our worst, and don't want to even get close to it) - we just have to say No.

Your guilt is normal. Too me it is. People call me a very assertive person, but they don't see the inner struggle that takes place, whenever I have to actually assert myself. It is hard work. They don't see the guilt I have to process, everytime I decide something I value is really worth standing up for, and just how hard it is for me to remember that. The effort is worth it though, because I have the peace I prayed for,(more than I don't, at least). I just have to be prepared to maintain it.

I hope this helps you Busbe.

All the best,

Nic

Thanks Nic I really appreciate your input I really struggle with this, its hard earning your

peace of mind.  There are so many people places and things that dont want u to have it...

Busbe

Busbe, I learned that you can't please everyone and you'd go crazy trying.  It was extremely hard for me in learning to say no.  I had no self-worth and was always afraid of confrontation or displeasing others... I put everyone on pedestals.  The first time to say No was the hardest and after that it came a little bit easier, and I was able to say it and NOT have to explain or defend myself to death.  And the reason I had to say No was to protect my sanity and the well-being of my children.

Ask God for Strength and Courage and then believe that He is giving it to you

My best to you,

Alice

Thanks Alice for your reply needed to read that I sure struggle with that wanting to please

although Im doing better than before Thank God....Busbe