"The most heated bit of letter-writing can be a wonderful safety valve," AA confounder Bill W. said, "providing the wastebasket is somewhere nearby."
This is a delightful bit of advice about the right way to handle anger. Writing an angry letter is at least a way of bringing our feelings out so that we can see them. This is far healthier than the peculiar method of "stuffing" one's feelings and pretending that there was no hurt or offense.
But an angry letter, once mailed, can be more destructive than a bullet. We may live to regret ever having mailed it. It could have unintended consequences of the worst kind.
That's why the wastebasket becomes the second handy way to deal with our anger. We throw the letter away and let time and wisdom heal the matter. What usually happens under the guidance of our Higher Power is that we find a much more satisfactory way of settling whatever has happened.
If I become angry today, I'll admit it to myself. Perhaps I'll even put my feelings on paper. But I'll have the good sense not to go further with such outbursts.
******from the book "walk in dry places"
great topic. I did use letters to address some serious resentments in early recovery and it was very effective, but later noticed a pattern, that usually when I was having trouble with one person, I was having trouble with several. My first sponsor used to pound me with the "spiritual axiom" every time I tried to tell him about "what so and so did..."
" "Anger that we feel justified in holding on to because of the circumstances. According to the Big Book, there is no justification for remaining angry about anything. Often we 'justify' the anger so we don't have to look at ourselves and our own part in creating it. The Twelve and Twelve reminds us, 'It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule' What about 'justifiable' anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad' Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of AA, these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it. Anger, though inevitable on occasion, should be felt and then released as soon as possible lest it turn into a resentment. When someone offends, we should say to ourselves 'this is a sick person, too. How can I be helpful?' "
So I set about trying to avoid anger (not deny the feeling) by several methods, and these have served me well. My serenity is very valuable to me and I guard it carefully. Also being a 40 something yo man, Anger will shorten my life.
1.) I avoid dysfunctional people, honestly the red flags are everywhere if you look for them. Just run away from them, even if they are family run away for a minute, or an hour. Avoid negative people, and don't let them call you and dump on you. I noticed that after I let people do that, I get angry.
2.) I try to interpret what people are saying in the best possible light (turn off the victim filter that tries to make something out of nothing)
3.) Give people the "benefit of the doubt" (see #2) most things are said or done through omission rather than commission, or self centered-ness. People aren't staying up at night trying to figure out how to piss me off, they're just self centered, insensitive, or raised with no manners. I just say to myself "pitty they were born that way or raised that way they can't seem to help themselves" and I don't waste negative energy on them.
4.) I end conversations or communication way before they get out of hand. It's very clear when a conversation is escalating to an emotional level. In person the body language appears with the rolling of the eyes and head shaking. At that point don't re-iterate just say "let's agree to disagree" and end it.
5.) I cut people off in mid-sentence when they are about to make a stinging derogatory remark. It's very tempting to want to hear what someone, who is being negative, has to say about you. I think it's because of our self-centered-ness and false pride. But don't let that person spell out those negative remarks about you. That stuff will eat you up for days. We don't need negative validation, we got enough of that stuff from our parents and that's probably why we are attracted to it. So when you hear those verbal cues like "well you're just a..." or "you know what?..." just interupt them mid-sentence and say "this conversation is over" or "It's not a good time to talk about this" or "tell it to someone who cares".
6.) What other people think about you is none of your business, unless it's positive and they care to share it with you. Don't look for gossip about yourself. Their opinion is simply that.
7.) Don't take constructive criticism to heart. If someone is trying to give you advise they obviously care about you or they wouldn't go to the trouble to think about you or approach you.
8.) Don't mistake humor for a personal attack. This is a tough one because everyone is so sarcastic these days (worst offender is myself). I just blow it off and recognize the persons attempt to be funny and Usually just throw a one liner back at 'em. If it's a little too off color, I just say "that wasn't nice or funny" and usually the person will concede.
9.) "Pick your battles". Don't go around bumping heads with everyone over everything. Dale Carneigie said "yield on matters that are of little concern to you". Most of the stuff people bicker about is not important. Don't bring up issues on "general principal", let it go for the benefit of your serenity.
10.) Own your feelings! Nobody can piss you off but You. It's our reaction to other people or things that disturbs us. We can choose to Let it go. "I'm going to pretend that I didn't see that". I am not an Alarm that goes off every time I see something that is wrong. This is not stuffing feelings, it's preventing them. Remember "feelings are not facts" they are reactionary emotions. If you choose not to react then you can choose not to have those negative feelings.
edit: I had to add this, John Bradshaw believes that people, like us, can become addicted to negative emotions due to the chemicals that they release in our brain (dopamine for one). This would suggest that we could be using the "victim" thing for an excuse to release these chemicals thus making us an internal drug addict. Think about that for awhile and see if it doesn't change your perspective.
sorry didn't mean to "take you all to school" lol this was as much for me, to consolidate and review as I've been "bumping some heads lately"
edit: I just saw that this was posted last week while I was out of town
-- Edited by StPeteDean at 09:04, 2007-10-18
-- Edited by StPeteDean at 09:49, 2007-10-18
Dona2 said
Oct 18, 2007
#1 above has thrown me for a loop? As a "newcomer" I most certainly have anger issues, yet this leads me to believe that I cannot express these to my sponsor or other AA people?
I need some clarification on this. Right now, I'm afraid to call anyone now.
I know your intentions are very well meant, but I'm confused.
Any and all input is helpful, please. Thank you.
lani said
Oct 18, 2007
St Pete:
I always love when you share. Im guessing that you have grown up quite a bit! I love your candor and your no frills approach to life. We women, are a little more gentle about things. Most old timer AA'ers say stick with women. But, I ,loving women and men, love the variety of inspiration both have to offer. My husband is in AA and I laugh at how brutally honest they are with one another. But, men seem to just say it like it is, get it off their chests and move on. No one is offended, at first maybe, but then they move on. As I have shared, I now have a little circle of friends who totally call me on the carpet. Thats cool, but I still branch out to other people and listen to what they have to say.
As far as the writing a letter to someone who just totally makes me mad..I think I need to do that. And yes, I would have to throw it in the trash because I'm afraid it wouldn't be very nice. Its been almost two weeks now that I haven't worked. I had a great job, great money but one person had it out for me. I knew that and should have done everything possible to avoid her wrath!!! But no, alky that I am, had to mess up and give her the rein to get me fired! I know it was all me, but I will never get over the fact that I was screwed. Do I dwell on it, yes, but now is the time to get over it! My friend works where I used to work and I stated that maybe now that I'm gone, Kim could find a little peace in life. But no, she's still ranting and raving over the small things.... So, its cool to see, its her, not me.... Bad Laurie, but thats ok today! I just have to pray for her(almost wanted to say her sorry butt) but didn't, even tho I just did. Man, I feel good. Life is good. I have never not worked, or provided for my family, but that will soon end. I know it! This has been the greatest few days of my life! I have hit sooo many meetings and have been honest for once in my life!! So, my gosh, Miss Babbler, as usual is done. Love ya!!! I think my husband has a cousin right where you live.....I'll check it out. Have a great day! Lani
StPeteDean said
Oct 18, 2007
Hey Dona,
As a newcomer, a lot of this won't make sense. your sponsor certainly wants to hear what going on with you. I went back and re-read #1 and was really referring to was dealing with people outside of the program. I'm sorry if this was confusing.
-- Edited by StPeteDean at 12:51, 2007-10-18
StPeteDean said
Oct 18, 2007
Hey Lani,
thanks. I know that I'm rather direct about working the program. I guess I'm turning into one of those stiff old timers that I used to think were up tight and out of their mind. But After going in and out for 2 years I realized that I was trying to do it "my way" and I was failing miserably. I finally got it, after getting the gift of desperation , and the accompanying impending doom lol, I was ready to give up on "my way" and follow what other successfully recovering people were doing. There was an AA census done the year after I got sober (1990?). In that Census it said that the average AA had just under 5 years of sobriety. I'm a numbers guy, and that meant to me that once you got past 5 years (one day at a time of course) that your odds of staying sober long term were going to improve exponentially. At that point I started really listening to, hanging around (and actually renting out rooms in my house to) AAs with more than 5 years of sobriety, hopefully to "Glean" sobriety from them. And I think that it worked. Fake it till you make and all that.
"Rarely have we heard a person fail who has throughly followed our path". I'll add to that, "be careful who's path that you are following because you might just follow them right out of the program". I never thought that I'd get soooo serious about following directions (suggestions) but this program has taught me, by the statement above, that not only can we get sober through imitation, but that we can achieve anything we want to by the same means, if we follow the directions (suggestions).
So forgive me for being direct. I'm also a General Contractor, and my job revolves around making sure stuff gets done right the first time. Kinda ironic huh?
mikey50 said
Oct 18, 2007
Good Topic Dean . For me anger is like this ...It is a double egde sword ....which we end up using on are selves.... wen i first sober up i had 2 emotions anger and rage...i had to learn what was behide it ....with the help of a sponcer and 12 step program mainly the ''4th and 5th'' step... found out what was behide my anger- fear ...''.self center fear ''....fear of not getting what i want or losing what i have.. and there is such a thing as justified anger ...i cannot aford it.. i cannot say that i am with out anger ..because i would not be human....but i try and not stay there to long .....for the longer i stay with anger the closer i am to a drink.
Today The Solution for me with anger is the 10th step ....
Thank's Dean Russell
-- Edited by mikey50 at 14:57, 2007-10-18
lani said
Oct 19, 2007
Im bored, so excuse any non revelant thoughts that come into my mind..I'll bet any money you look just like the git er done guy! I dont know why im so obsessed with what we all look like. But, it just struck me as funny that you are him!!!!! Cable dude for sure!!! Anyways, have a great day, LANI
lani said
Oct 19, 2007
hEY dONA:
i GUESS THE BEST ADVISE TO YOU RIGHT NOW IS TO BE TOTALLY HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR SPONSER. tHATS THE BEAUTY OF aa. wE CAN SHARE STUFF THAT WE THINK IS TERRIBLE AND YOU KNOW WHAT, CHANCES ARE, WHO YOU SHARE WITH HAS HAD IT MUCH WORSE THAN US! sO, FEEL FREE TO BE YOU. iT'S TAKEN ME A WHILE, BUT NO ONE JUDGES YOU IN THIS PROGRAM. lANI-
StPeteDean said
Oct 19, 2007
lani wrote:
Im bored, so excuse any non revelant thoughts that come into my mind..I'll bet any money you look just like the git er done guy! I dont know why im so obsessed with what we all look like. But, it just struck me as funny that you are him!!!!! Cable dude for sure!!! Anyways, have a great day, LANI
I think it's because I posted Larry the CG in that thread by chicken little. here's a picture of some guys I ride motorcycles with. if you look at my avatar you might figure out which one is me. Altough LGC might be distant cousin of mine.
lani said
Oct 20, 2007
Hey Pete:
Im guessing your the dude on the left?? It does look like your avatar!! Go redskins!-Lani
StPeteDean said
Oct 20, 2007
For Pete's sake, my name is Dean. Go Skins!
lani said
Oct 21, 2007
Ok DEAN...You didnt say which guy you were tho!!!!Lani-
StPeteDean said
Oct 21, 2007
you guessed correctly
ryananderes said
Sep 12, 2024
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kidsfun768 said
Sep 19, 2024
Dealing with anger is crucial for overall well-being, and its great to see conversations around this topic. It's important for men to prioritize their mental health and find constructive ways to manage anger. Understanding triggers, practicing mindfulness, and seeking support can make a big difference. Lets keep pushing for awareness on mens health and emotional well-being.
-- Edited by kidsfun768 on Thursday 19th of September 2024 03:56:00 AM
great topic. I did use letters to address some serious resentments in early recovery and it was very effective, but later noticed a pattern, that usually when I was having trouble with one person, I was having trouble with several. My first sponsor used to pound me with the "spiritual axiom" every time I tried to tell him about "what so and so did..."
" "Anger that we feel justified in holding on to because of the circumstances. According to the Big Book, there is no justification for remaining angry about anything. Often we 'justify' the anger so we don't have to look at ourselves and our own part in creating it. The Twelve and Twelve reminds us, 'It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule' What about 'justifiable' anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad' Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of AA, these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it. Anger, though inevitable on occasion, should be felt and then released as soon as possible lest it turn into a resentment. When someone offends, we should say to ourselves 'this is a sick person, too. How can I be helpful?' "
So I set about trying to avoid anger (not deny the feeling) by several methods, and these have served me well. My serenity is very valuable to me and I guard it carefully. Also being a 40 something yo man, Anger
will shorten my life.
1.) I avoid dysfunctional people, honestly the red flags are everywhere if you look for them. Just run away
from them, even if they are family run away for a minute, or an hour. Avoid negative people, and don't
let them call you and dump on you. I noticed that after I let people do that, I get angry.
2.) I try to interpret what people are saying in the best possible light (turn off the victim filter that tries to
make something out of nothing)
3.) Give people the "benefit of the doubt" (see #2) most things are said or done through omission rather than
commission, or self centered-ness. People aren't staying up at night trying to figure out how to piss me
off, they're just self centered, insensitive, or raised with no manners. I just say to myself "pitty they were
born that way or raised that way they can't seem to help themselves" and I don't waste negative energy
on them.
4.) I end conversations or communication way before they get out of hand. It's very clear when a
conversation is escalating to an emotional level. In person the body language appears with the rolling of
the eyes and head shaking. At that point don't re-iterate just say "let's agree to disagree" and end it.
5.) I cut people off in mid-sentence when they are about to make a stinging derogatory remark. It's very
tempting to want to hear what someone, who is being negative, has to say about you. I think it's
because of our self-centered-ness and false pride. But don't let that person spell out those negative
remarks about you. That stuff will eat you up for days. We don't need negative validation, we got enough
of that stuff from our parents and that's probably why we are attracted to it. So when you hear those
verbal cues like "well you're just a..." or "you know what?..." just interupt them mid-sentence and say
"this conversation is over" or "It's not a good time to talk about this" or "tell it to someone who cares".
6.) What other people think about you is none of your business, unless it's positive and they care to share
it with you. Don't look for gossip about yourself. Their opinion is simply that.
7.) Don't take constructive criticism to heart. If someone is trying to give you advise they obviously care
about you or they wouldn't go to the trouble to think about you or approach you.
8.) Don't mistake humor for a personal attack. This is a tough one because everyone is so sarcastic these
days (worst offender is myself). I just blow it off and recognize the persons attempt to be funny and
Usually just throw a one liner back at 'em. If it's a little too off color, I just say "that wasn't nice or funny"
and usually the person will concede.
9.) "Pick your battles". Don't go around bumping heads with everyone over everything. Dale Carneigie
said "yield on matters that are of little concern to you". Most of the stuff people bicker about is
not important. Don't bring up issues on "general principal", let it go for the benefit of your serenity.
10.) Own your feelings! Nobody can piss you off but You. It's our reaction to other people or things that
disturbs us. We can choose to Let it go. "I'm going to pretend that I didn't see that". I am not an
Alarm that goes off every time I see something that is wrong. This is not stuffing feelings, it's preventing
them. Remember "feelings are not facts" they are reactionary emotions. If you choose not to react
then you can choose not to have those negative feelings.
edit: I had to add this, John Bradshaw believes that people, like us, can become addicted to negative emotions due to the chemicals that they release in our brain (dopamine for one). This would suggest that we could be using the "victim" thing for an excuse to release these chemicals thus making us an internal drug addict. Think about that for awhile and see if it doesn't change your perspective.
sorry didn't mean to "take you all to school" lol this was as much for me, to consolidate and review as I've
been "bumping some heads lately"
edit: I just saw that this was posted last week while I was out of town
-- Edited by StPeteDean at 09:04, 2007-10-18
-- Edited by StPeteDean at 09:49, 2007-10-18
As a newcomer, a lot of this won't make sense. your sponsor certainly wants to hear what going on with you. I went back and re-read #1 and was really referring to was dealing with people outside of the program.
I'm sorry if this was confusing.
-- Edited by StPeteDean at 12:51, 2007-10-18
thanks. I know that I'm rather direct about working the program. I guess I'm turning into one of those stiff old timers that I used to think were up tight and out of their mind. But After going in and out for 2 years I realized that I was trying to do it "my way" and I was failing miserably. I finally got it, after getting the gift of desperation , and the accompanying impending doom lol, I was ready to give up on "my way" and follow what other successfully recovering people were doing. There was an AA census done the year after I got sober (1990?). In that Census it said that the average AA had just under 5 years of sobriety. I'm a numbers guy, and that meant to me that once you got past 5 years (one day at a time of course) that your odds of staying sober long term were going to improve exponentially. At that point I started really listening to, hanging around (and actually renting out rooms in my house to) AAs with more than 5 years of sobriety, hopefully to "Glean" sobriety from them. And I think that it worked. Fake it till you make and all that.
"Rarely have we heard a person fail who has throughly followed our path". I'll add to that, "be careful who's path that you are following because you might just follow them right out of the program". I never thought that I'd get
soooo serious about following directions (suggestions) but this program has taught me, by the statement above, that not only can we get sober through imitation, but that we can achieve anything we want to by the same means, if we follow the directions (suggestions).
So forgive me for being direct. I'm also a General Contractor, and my job revolves around making sure stuff gets done right the first time. Kinda ironic huh?
For me anger is like this ...It is a double egde sword ....which we end up using on are selves.... wen i first sober up i had 2 emotions anger and rage...i had to learn what was behide it ....with the help of a sponcer and 12 step program mainly the ''4th and 5th'' step... found out what was behide my anger- fear ...''.self center fear ''....fear of not getting what i want or losing what i have.. and there is such a thing as justified anger ...i cannot aford it.. i cannot say that i am with out anger ..because i would not be human....but i try and not stay there to long .....for the longer i stay with anger the closer i am to a drink.
Today The Solution for me with anger is the 10th step ....
Thank's Dean
Russell
-- Edited by mikey50 at 14:57, 2007-10-18
here's a picture of some guys I ride motorcycles with. if you look at my avatar you might figure out which one is me. Altough LGC might be distant cousin of mine.
DumpsBuddys experts are well-aware of the prerequisites of the CFA Institute ESG-Investing Exam Dumps and offer you the most updated and verified study material to grasp all concepts of CFA Institute Exam ESG-Investing. You can opt for DumpsBuddy Questions Answers to equip yourself with deep and flawless understanding of the each and every topic of the syllabus. All the complex and confusing concepts of the certification exam are made clear in an easy to understand language. No worries from which academic background you come from. You will find DumpsBuddy Questions Answers immensely easy and interactive.
Dealing with anger is crucial for overall well-being, and its great to see conversations around this topic. It's important for men to prioritize their mental health and find constructive ways to manage anger. Understanding triggers, practicing mindfulness, and seeking support can make a big difference. Lets keep pushing for awareness on mens health and emotional well-being.
-- Edited by kidsfun768 on Thursday 19th of September 2024 03:56:00 AM