Hi there everyone, I'm Carolyn & I'm an alcoholic. What a relief just to be able to say that without any shame !

This is my second time around in AA as I drank again after 13years purely because I gradually stopped "doing the doing". I started using another illness (which I've still got) as an excuse not to go to meetings, then stopped calling/talking to other AAs, was still talking to my sponsor but was only telling her what I thought she wanted to hear. The day came when I realised I'd lost my faith & I wasn't praying any more - I had no defence against the first drink, not long after that the inevitable happened and I drank again. I truly found out how cunning, baffling, powerful and oh so patient this disease is. I'd been very ill prior to getting sober first time round. I had very bad DTs with nasty withdrawal fits needing life support at one stage, my liver was badly damaged (it recovered eventually) & I weighed about 6stone. When I got sober in AA my life went from black & white to full blown technicolour and I grasped it with both hands. I loved AA and this new way of life, couldn't imagine life without God in it and got fully involved, trying to give back a little of what was freely given to me. I learned how to live life on life's terms, not Carolyn's terms. I used to say never mind the "yets" (those things that had "yet" to happen to me through drinking), I don't want the "agains" !!

Of course, when I drank again all the "agains" happened & a hell of a lot of the "yets". I'd never tried suicide before but slashed my wrists and ended up in a psychiatric institution. My sister, who found me, asked me to leave the home I'd shared with her for the past 17years. I didn't become as ill physically as I'd been before but mentally & emotionally I was absolutely beaten to bits. I was "out there" for two years & I know I was looked after otherwise I wouldn't be here now. I moved into this flat in July 2010 & this wonderful message was carried back to me by a recovering alcoholic who lived in the very next block of flats (how's that for a God-job ?!) I rang my sponsor, who stuck with me throughout all this, God bless her, in October 2010 - I'd finally hit rock bottom again (a blessing in disguise) and I was desperate. She rang this alcoholic next door & she spent a good couple of hours with me and got me back to my first meeting. I had to swallow my pride but my pride had nearly killed me by keeping me away from meetings. One day at a time I haven't had a drink since then.

If I "came to" at this time in the morning (it's 4.30am here in UK), I'd be counting down the time till I could buy more booze or wondering if the guy in the corner shop would sell some to me out of licensing hours. When I did buy some, as soon as it was open all I could think was "what am I going to do when this runs out"? I never had enough & was completely obsessed with the stuff as only an alcoholic can be. And the thing was, I knew it was killing me but I didn't care as my life didn't matter to me & I thought it didn't matter to anyone else either. This was my worst time of day if I was conscious, I hated it.

Today, I love this time of day - even if I've been awake all night because of my other illness like now. I made a cup of coffee, sat in the window & had my "quiet time" of prayers and meditation. My day quickly goes down the pan if I skip this. I always feel able to cope better with whatever the day holds & to appreciate it more after this special time. The birds are singing beautifully (strange how they just made an awful din when I was drinking !!) & I feel at peace with the world (I always wanted to fight it). I am not well off materially, but in the things that I now know really matter, I am rich beyond my wildest dreams !! My sister & I are closer than ever now and have great times together, I babysit my nieces baby & toddler and I have friends who I love dearly and who love me. I've learned to distinguish between my needs & wants - my wants are endless but my needs are few & everyone is met.

I guard against complacency & make sure I don't isolate myself today as I know how fortunate I am to have got back to AA & got sober again. I know the doors of AA are always open to anyone with a desire to stop drinking but not everyone gets back to the door. My primary purpose is to stay sober & to carry the message -  I am responsible....... I don't think the God of my understanding wants me to cast my eyes ahead to the destination though, I believe He wants me to enjoy the journey & to appreciate this wonderful world of ours. So if any of you lovely people are thinking of skimping on any part of your programme please bear in mind what happened to me........Sent with love & Peace