My meeting the other week with my sponsor went great! I really dreaded it because I had written out a situational 4th Step for actually several resentments which I had been carrying with me. What this person and that person had done to upset/hurt me. Of course it was not nearly as many as when I first did my 4th Step, one was too many to hang onto.  I felt a little relief after I read them. I did tell my sponsor that I couldn't believe some of the stuff I let get to me. I felt embarrassed reading some of it as it seemed petty. (Why couldn't I have thought the things as petty before?) No tears this time, as with my first 4th Step. I wondered if it would "take". Oh, I need to pray over them. So I did when I got home. Still no huge relief as with the first time. Again, I wondered what is going on? Am I being sincere? Honest? Do I really want to let these crappy things go?

I got my answer by the next day. It was getting later in the day and I realized I was not thinking about such and such which was on my list like I had done every single day several times throughout the day. I also realized that I had not been thinking about some of the other things on my list. Actually, I had been having a very good day free of that usual "what am I going to do about ....." or "why did she/he say that to me?" In fact, it was one of the best days I had had in quite a while!

So it is very important to me that I listen to my sponsor and do my homework every day and write this crap down that bothers me instead of holding on to it. It is equally important that I don't put myself in situations which I know may be upsetting to me. I cannot "borrow trouble" as my mom has said in the past. If there is someone who seems to enjoy putting me down when I am with that person, and I don't have to be around that person, I won't be anymore. It is kind of like avoiding that wine aisle in the grocery store. If my male friend and I have a particular conversation which always ends up in a verbal confrontation--I avoid bringing that subject up. (Well, okay, sometimes I have slipped on that one. Overall, I am pleased with my ability to keep my mouth shut more than I used to be able to.) Yesterday, I almost let another person upset me....I caught myself and said "Uh, oh! Here I go again....making a mountain out of a molehill....giving this person too much control in my life... Write it down. Pray over it." ......AMAZING! Any frustration and anger disappeared. This program does work if you work it.

I will continue everyday to be diligent and watchful for triggers which can cause me to get upset. I know that no one can get under my skin, make me mad, angry, po'd unless I give them my permission to do so. If I slip and "let" someone get to me, then I have to pull out my notebook and write it down. Someone says something I don't agree with or even really like--I am ignoring that person. Walk away. In the Bible, it says to "turn the other cheek". I must admit, I thought the meaning involved physical pain. It means to "refrain from retaliating when one has been attacked or insulted". Now that has been hard for me over the past 5 plus decades of my life. It ain't easy to ignore insults and put downs. The Bible tells me I need to do that and the Big Book tell me I need to do that in order to stay sober.

It really feels good to know I have more power and control in my life. I get to decide what is petty and what is important. I need to always stay on course in my sobriety. It is the most important thing in my life. Without it, nothing else matters.