I wont bore you with a story but cliff notes up to this point, been in and out of AA for 8-10 years now. Never got more than 6 mos sobriety so I decided to do the steps with a sponsor this time. I'm 3 months sober and have been meeting with a BB sponsor weekly and recently took a 3rd step and started into the writing. My wife used to work for law enforcement, so she picks up on everything, also I can't lie to her at all. every time I ever hid anything in the house or car, she always managed to find it ( on accident or purpose we will never know) So basically my sponsor said something along the lines of " keep this in a safe place, because if found it makes for interesting conversation and usually not the good kind" So to me that meant hide it, but like I said I cant hide anything in my house. I'm finally trying to do things the right way so I thought about it. Should I hide it and hope she doesn't find it ? Should I tell her im doing a 4th step and writing stuff that's personal ? Maybe I should have posted this first but hind sight is always 20/20. I thought being open an honest about the situation would be the best route... boy was I wrong. I explained I was doing a 4th step which required writing some things in a notebook. That I haven't started writing yet but when I do, it may be personal and its probably best she didn't read it. ( I wrote some journals in detox and let her read them) but a 4th step is a bit different. Basically my wife is now upset about it, but I feel like if I hid it from her it would have caused more problems, just later down the road. She keeps asking me why I would want to remember my shitty past and all my ex "whores" shes very upset over it... I don't know what to do. any advice ? experience ?strength? hope ? I didn't even start my 4th step yet and skipping it is starting to seem like a good option...
First of all, congratulations on your sobriety time. Try not to let the past influence your present. I tried several times to get sober and am hopeful this time it sticks for good.
Remember that your 4th Step is between you and your HP. You choose to share it with your sponsor who is not supposed to share your personal information with anyone else. You are trusting him to keep his lips zipped. Your 4th Step is none of your wife's business. Your sponsor and your HP will help you in determining what amends you need to make and that is when you may have things you want to "come clean" about with her. She does not understand why you want to hide your notebook with your personal info from her. Look at it like a diary. No one but you is entitled to read your personal thoughts. If you choose to share it with someone, that is your choice. If she or anyone were to get your "diary" and read it without your permission than they are invading your right to privacy. It is actually illegal, to my knowledge, for someone to do something like this. It is like tape recording a personal conversation, hacking into your computer and reading your personal info. She is in law enforcement and is fully aware of this; however, since it is about you and you are married to her, perhaps it has "slipped her mind".
This is what I would do.....get a safe deposit box and store your notebook in there. I know of no other place where you can put it without her finding it. It is a shame you cannot stick it in your drawer or car, however it sounds like those places are not safe from her snooping. Just remember this.......it is extremely important that you do not let her or anyone else derail you on your path to sobriety. It is far more important that you work and stay focused on staying alive than it is for her to get upset because you are working this vital step. You work on taking care of your resentments, and leave your wife to deal with hers. And once you do work it you will feel so much better and as long as you continue to work the Steps as suggested in the Big Book, these disagreements between you and her and others as well will lessen and you will be able to handle them, shrug them off, and not let them bother you as much.
It sounds like your wife does not have a clear understanding of what the 12 step recovery process is, and is making some assumptions based on your past actions and past problems between the two of you which have hurt her in the past. I would encourage her to get to Alanon ASAP and get some assistance from other people who are also dealing with alcoholics (sober or not) in their lives. Just like you shouldn't have to try to get sober alone, SHE shouldn't have to go through HER side of this situation alone.
If she won't go to Alanon and learn about these issues and take steps to take care of herself, leave the notebook with your sponsor and hope for the best.
From my experience Dave is most right on. If your wife is having a reaction about something you are doing to help yourself the best place for her might be the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups for the friend and families of alcoholics...they are as affected as we are as you can tell by her reaction. Suggest it and then leave it alone. Maybe your 4th step can be done not in book form but page form....do a page and give it to your sponsor and then another page. He can hold the pages for you till you're done. Often times a spouse will be critical of the recovery work the alcoholic is attempting to do because they carry anger and resentments just as we do. You're not recovering for her...she has to do that for herself. You're recovering for you...I wish you success and am in support. An aside? there is also an Al-Anon board on this web site.
First, congratulations on having the willingness to do the work.
Second, your sponsor sounds wise.
A great discovery I've made (and still work on) is knowing where I and others begin and end. This is your fourth step it is between you and God and whoever you read it to. It is very private and spiritual and it should be honored as that. By you.
My mother goes through my things. We call her "Big Bad Bev the Detector Inspector". She once actually pieces together a love note I had written to someone and tone up in tiny pieces and put in the trash can when I was staying with them. I came home and she fling it from behind her back proudly, all taped together. The worst part was it was very intimate and she showed it to my father. I'm a woman and was horrified and embarrassed.
I am selective about what I share with her although I love her very much. Tellin her something private is a BIG INVITATION for her to want to know more, they can't help it. Have compassion and honor what's yours and yours alone.
Could you put it somewhere out of the house and retrieve it each day? A church, safety deposit box, or somewhere else? You could even write outdoors in a private place being that it's summer. Or anywhere quiet where you can concentrate and get lost in it.
Or, did a place in the house and stop talking about what you're doing and trust God.
Many of us WANT people to find it, lol. It we want the validation of our loved ones so we tell them what we're doing.
The right answer will come if you want it badly enough.
