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Post Info TOPIC: Sharing Early in Sobriety


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Sharing Early in Sobriety
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When I first got sober, it was months before I shared, and I did so because an old timer who was sitting next to me punched me in the arm. No joke. It was with his balled up fist and it hurt. He had been trying to talk me into sharing, saying "It's your turn" to me during a few of the previous meetings. It is funny how pain sometimes causes us to do things we otherwise wouldn't do and if I wasn't so damned determined to stay sober, I would have left that night and never come back to an AA meeting.  (I get along fine with the man now, however, I still am a bit scared of him since that happened.) I still have trouble sharing and I pray before every meeting that if there is something that my HP wants me to share and will be helpful to others to do so. Otherwise, to help me keep my mouth shut and listen. I don't have the need to go on and on about my problems. I take those to my HP, my sponsor, my mom or a close friend. I share on things which are helping me stay sober.

Over the last couple of years during my sobriety time, I have been curious about the different thoughts about newcomers' shares. I have been in meetings where, when a newcomer shared a good length of time, an oldtimer has hollered at him or her to "shut up and listen", sometimes using profanity while doing so. "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth!" is another thing I have heard several times. I have even heard people say in their shares that newcomers shouldn't share at all in their first six months, or a year. I wonder if these demands and "rules" keep some of the newcomers from attending AA meetings after hearing those kinds of things.

For me, I know when I was new in sobriety I didn't know anything about staying sober. Not only did I not want to share because of fear of people, I wanted to listen. I am amazed when a newcomer comes and shares at every meeting. We even have had a newcomer who has had difficulty staying sober and been in and out of sobriety, shares at every meeting, chair a few meetings with under a month of sobriety. When I was new,  I was a mess, just managing to drag my a** into meetings at all. I was filled with worry, anger and pain and there was no way I was going to get in front of a group of people and do that. And gratefully, I was never asked to chair a meeting until I had a year of sobriety, and then I wasn't asked, I was told by my sponsor to do so.  A part of me admires others new in sobriety, that can. They are doing service work and if it helps keep them sober, that is the main thing. I must admit when the newcomer said that she was going to start calling on people to share because as she said "I am the chair and I can do that" I was floored! Particularly when we had a fairly large group, and people were sharing one after the other.  If she called on me to share I was going to say my name, confirm I am an alcoholic and let the group know that before each meeting I pray for guidance from my HP about whether I should share and then say "I pass". I guess it is my ego going on here...however, I am going to say it because I doubt I will ever share this in one of my meetings....I felt forced to share by an oldtimer when I had several months of sobriety, and I'll be darned now with more sobriety time, if I am going to be forced to share by a newcomer.

Thank you for letting me share and get this off my chest. I am going to pray now because I feel I have let this become a resentment.

 

 



-- Edited by hopefulone on Saturday 27th of June 2015 10:25:40 AM

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MIP Old Timer

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hopefulone wrote:

When I first got sober, it was months before I shared, and I did so because an old timer who was sitting next to me punched me in the arm.


 How many months?



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I had six or seven months of sobriety at that time and it was another several months before I shared after that. Like I said, I still have a hard time doing so.

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So don't share.

It's not mandatory and you should politely tell anyone who tries to force you to do it to go make love to themselves.

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MIP Old Timer

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hopefulone wrote:

I had six or seven months of sobriety at that time and it was another several months before I shared after that. Like I said, I still have a hard time doing so.


I had a hard time sharing in meetings early on. I didn't know what to say. Didn't think my stuff was important. Wasn't as glib as others I heard, including some other newcomers. My instincts were to just hold back--let the other guys do the talking. And, anyways, I was pretty much in a fog for many months, so I was dazed and confused. Unconfident. But, fortunately, the format for sharing at most of the meetings I went to was round robin, starting at one point in the room then going to its opposite point. Everyone got called on to share. When called upon, one could make his or her contribution. One could also pass. It was non-pressured. Somewhere along the way, I got the advice, "Pass if you want to but make the effort to share something. It's part of the process and it will help you--even if you say some dumb stuff. You won't be judged and you will feel more connected to the group and meeting."

That was great advice and that's what I did. Retrospectively, it was crucial for me to participate by sharing at nearly every meeting, even though I didn't really want to. I believe if I had stayed on the periphery of meetings for the first year, without sharing, I probably would have drifted away from the group--as so many newcomers do during that crucial period when the vast majority of relapses occur.

Not sharing at all for 9 to 12 months is not a good situation. It's an extreme approach. Hardly anyobody does that and survives 9 to 12 months. Glad you made it through, H1.

I can't go along with the "shut up, newcomer" approach. It has never been directed at me and I've never seen it blatantly used in a live meeting. (I have seen it, not infrequently, in online forums.) The cotton sticking line is particularly offensive. It doesn't originate from the literature and is abusive. It's unacceptable. It's not AA. Bill Wilson didn't tell Dr. Bob to "shut up." No reason to tell any newcomer to "shut up."

I believe the "shut up, newcomer" approach is one of the most glaring and persistent faults of AA. It comes from some weirdly distorted version of spiritual hubris. It may very well be a significant factor for AA's declining membership.

Sharing is an important part of the AA program of recovery. The most basic and compelling description of the program is that it's one alcoholic talking to another.  That's what sharing is.

 



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I agree with Tanin. I also think newcomers meetings are ideal to get newcomers to share. I went to 3 newcomers meetings a week for a good while and I share all my newcomer drama there and on this board too and I am glad I did.

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Thanks for the great shares guys! I hope my posting didn't sound like I think newcomers shouldn't share. Didn't mean that at all. I need to hear them as well as the oldtimers to remember the cra*. (Not really going to forget all of it, just being reminded of it helps.) And I cringe when anyone tells newcomers they cannot share. Just because I was a shy guy doesn't mean others who are braver should not be able to. I am sharing more at the meetings, like I said, just ask for my HP's guidance on that. If I didn't get it, I know I would go on and on and not shut up and then would come the coughing, feet shuffling, and lots of clearing of throats. :)

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Speaking for myself I gained a great deal from listening in the first couple of months. I was frightened to share and when I did, I did it with the wrong motives so it didn't help me much. You often hear a problem shared is a problem halved. That may be true in general but for me it was the other way around. A problem shared (with self seeking motives) was a problem doubled.

I had two main motives. One was to gain sympathy for poor me. The other was to appear is if I knew something about sobriety, seeking to impress. I didnt know this at the time, but being pre steps my thinking hadn't changed and I was still driven by instinct, in this case prestige and security, which had been the driving forces in my life since alcohol had killed off any true emotions or feelings.

Post steps my thinking changed. I began sharing with a view to helping others, rather than feed those troublesome instincts. As Bill found, emotional stability comes from giving not receiving. I dont think my early sharing helped anyone, least of all me, but it did give the other members a chance to practice tolerance and patience, which they did in the kindest way.

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